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    Hi, I don't know whether anyone on here remembers that a few months ago (around August, if I remember correctly), I posted a short excerpt of a novel I was planning to write.

    Over the last few months, I've done some more work on it and I'm nearly at the end of phase one (of two or three phases, so I'm between a third and halfway through.)

    I would love some TSRins to read what I've written and maybe even give me some constructive feedback on it, because it somewhat unnerves me to write a lot and have no idea about the quality/failings of what I'm writing.

    Just as a bit of background, the novel is the first in a series of "Teen Drama" novels, following six characters through their time together, told in first person narrative.

    Thank you so much for anyone who reads it and gives feedback; I'll try and thank you all individually.

    EDIT: As a side note, the actual work so far is 18,000 words. I'll post an excerpt beneath to kind of guide you as to whether to read the rest or not.

    62. Taylor

    Nothing has happened in a while. It doesn’t seem like he’s going to hurt me. I move my arms from in front of my face. I take a quick look at him to see if he’s angry. He’s is still looking at me, a small frown making his eyebrows come together. That means that he’s angry! He’s saying something…

    “…didn’t mean to scare you or jump out at you or anything. I just saw you…by yourself…” I look back at him again, very quickly so he doesn’t think that I’m staring at him and get angry. The frown isn’t there anymore, so what does that mean? Is he trying to hide that he’s angry that I fell over and screamed like the freak, the useless freak that I am. Crap. He’s still talking.

    “…late as well. Look, I’m not going to hurt you. Why would I?” I’m not going to hurt you…I’m not going to hurt you…not going to hurt you…going to hurt you.

    She’s being tucked into bed, the duvet being pushed softly over her chin and mouth, before being pulled back gently so that it’s not hard to breathe. She’s waiting for him to start telling her a story. He takes a deep breath, letting all of the air out of his lungs so that he isn’t Tense Daddy any more. He’s Relaxed Daddy. He knows that Relaxed Daddy is her favourite. Only, he takes another deep breath and his eyebrows come together for a short time, before he lets the air out of his lungs again. Maybe he’s trying to be Super Relaxed Daddy. Especially Relaxed Daddy. He stares at her, and then begins.

    “Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who lived in a magical, magical land far away from here. The sun always shone and it never rained. Now, the princess lived in a huge castle in the middle of the kingdom and there were fields and meadows of daffodils and roses everywhere and there was a river of gold surrounding the castle so that no evil could get in and the princess was safe from harm. The princess had long golden hair and she had ponies which she rode through the meadows every day. Everyone knew that the princess was the prettiest in all the land, and princes from all over the world wanted to gain her hand in marriage.”

    Her father stops telling the story and looks at her, his eyebrows together again. Why isn’t he going on in the story? He knows that she can’t sleep if a story is left unfinished?

    “Taylor?” he says, after a long time of silence. “You know that I love you, right?”

    “Of course, Daddy,” she replies, confused.

    “And you’ll never hurt me, will you, darling?” he says slowly. This isn’t how the story was meant to go. Especially Relaxed Daddy tells a magical story about how the gorgeous princess finds her prince and lives happily ever after.

    “No, Daddy. I’ll never hurt you. Why do you ask?” After all, Daddy is a big, strong man and how could she do anything to hurt him?

    Her dad pauses again, as though he’s not sure about how to answer.

    “I’m just asking you,” he says.

    “Okay, daddy” she says slowly. “You’ll never hurt me-will you?”

    “No, of course not, Taylor-don’t be silly” he answers in a calm voice. “I’ll never hurt you.” There is a long period in which Super-Duper Relaxed Daddy and Gorgeous Princess stare at each other for what seems like forever. Suddenly, Relaxed Daddy turns and begins to walk out of her bedroom.

    “Daddy, you haven’t finished the story!” she says sadly. “I want to hear the rest of the story!”

    “I’ll tell you…some other time. Soon. Tomorrow. I’m tired, lovely,” he says, his eyebrows drawn together like string was pulling them closer.

    “But I want to hear what happens to the princess…”

    “You’ll hear what happens to her soon, darling. I promise you. I won’t break my promise to you.”

    “Like the promise that you’ll never hurt me?”

    “Of course. I’ll never hurt you, darling, ever. Goodnight. Sweet dreams.”

    Gorgeous Princess can’t sleep that night. She tosses and turns, and pulls the duvet off her and pulls it on again. After what seems like the forever that her daddy usually tells her about, the door bangs open. Gorgeous Princess is scared.

    There are voices. Low and gravely, mixed with quiet and tearful. Suddenly, there is a shout.

    “How many more nights am I going to have to sit up here waiting for you to come home!?! How many more nights am I going to have to sit here with the kids, trying to forget that you’re out there whoring yourself with him?” Relaxed Daddy is shouting. Gorgeous Princess tiptoes out of bed and crouches on the stairs, curled into a ball beside the banister.

    “Whoring myself? How dare you? I am conducting a Research Fellowship that focuses on the breakdown of relationships, and that requires me to spend time with my subjects! He is one of my subjects and therefore I’m going to need to get my data and content from him at some point, aren’t I?”

    “Oh…and of course this definitely requires you to meet him at a restaurant or hotel dressed up like a quasi-sophisticated escort wearing mascara and that bloody Calvin Klein Euphoria, does it?”

    “As I have extremely clearly explained to you before, he feels most comfortable in these informal settings, because he is far more of an introvert in a psychologist’s office! As for the pencil skirt and suit jacket, I like to give off the impression that I am a professional, and, with regards to the perfume, I happen to think that it makes me smell nice, and, I know this might be hard for you to grasp, but some people like to feel good about themselves!”

    “All extremely convenient!” shouts Extremely Relaxed Daddy. Gorgeous Princess begins crying silently. “The fact that the *******-”

    “The *******? He has just lost his wife due to the fact that he was made redundant through no fault of his own! If you met him, you would see that he is the sweetest soul alive, and that, in this situation, you are the *******!” There is a sharp sound, followed by the unmistakeable sound of more crying. Relaxed Daddy might have said that it was Extra-Gorgeous Queen crying.

    There are heavy footsteps on the stairs; it’s Ultra-Relaxed Daddy coming up the stairs. Gorgeous Princess scrambles back into bed.

    She never did get to hear what happened to Gorgeous Princess.

    I stare at the boy in front of me, watching him shoot quick looks at me. He’s saying that he’ll never hurt me. His eyes are different. The eyebrows aren’t together as if a magnet was dragging them inwards. They’re normal, and I get that feeling from them…relief? Relief. He’s still talking.

    “Did you…erm…want to walk to school with me, then? It’s getting late, Taylor.”

    He knows my name. And his voice doesn’t have stones in it…gravel. It’s soft. I might as well go to school. I have nothing to do here apart from tear grass in the cemetery. And he says that he won’t hurt me. I can walk just behind him. That way he can’t get to me to hurt me if he wants to. I slowly untangle my legs and try to use the wall to get up. He extends a hand out towards me to help me up.

    I can’t help it. I’ve flung myself back to the ground again, legs tangled again, and the black tells me my arms are over my face. There’s a numb feeling in my back that tells me I’ve hurt myself again. Nice one. Failure. All you bloody do is injure yourself.

    “Whoa…okay,” he says. “I won’t help you, then. Er…sorry.” He takes a step back. Maybe he isn’t going to hurt me after all. I stare at him for a couple of seconds, before looking away again. Idiot. Don’t stare at him. He steps back again. Something in that step tells me to stop being such a stupid scaredy-cat and just walk to school with him. He’s in my class and he’s never ever ever angry, so maybe he’s just not a nasty person. The other part of my brain sees a bottle in the hands of a horrible, evil man holding a broken bottle in his hands.

    But there’s no bottle in this boy’s hands, and his eyes are light brown and not fire red, and I need to get to school. He waits and watches me with a confused face while I use my hands to pull myself up with the wall, and start walking just behind him.



    It's in the attachment below.
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  1. File Type: docCaged.doc (270.0 KB, 164 views)
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    It seems to switch from one thing to another towards the end, confused me a bit :o: maybe I skim read. Also the tone jumps around a lot but I wouldn't mind reading more.. but it's hard to see where it's going or anything.
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    (Original post by KingMessi)
    Hi, I don't know whether anyone on here remembers that a few months ago (around August, if I remember correctly), I posted a short excerpt of a novel I was planning to write.

    Over the last few months, I've done some more work on it and I'm nearly at the end of phase one (of two or three phases, so I'm between a third and halfway through.)

    I would love some TSRins to read what I've written and maybe even give me some constructive feedback on it, because it somewhat unnerves me to write a lot and have no idea about the quality/failings of what I'm writing.

    Just as a bit of background, the novel is the first in a series of "Teen Drama" novels, following six characters through their time together, told in first person narrative.

    Thank you so much for anyone who reads it and gives feedback; I'll try and thank you all individually.

    EDIT: As a side note, the actual work so far is 18,000 words. I'll post an excerpt beneath to kind of guide you as to whether to read the rest or not.

    62. Taylor

    Nothing has happened in a while. It doesn’t seem like he’s going to hurt me. I move my arms from in front of my face. I take a quick look at him to see if he’s angry. He’s is still looking at me, a small frown making his eyebrows come together. That means that he’s angry! He’s saying something…

    “…didn’t mean to scare you or jump out at you or anything. I just saw you…by yourself…” I look back at him again, very quickly so he doesn’t think that I’m staring at him and get angry. The frown isn’t there anymore, so what does that mean? Is he trying to hide that he’s angry that I fell over and screamed like the freak, the useless freak that I am. Crap. He’s still talking.

    “…late as well. Look, I’m not going to hurt you. Why would I?” I’m not going to hurt you…I’m not going to hurt you…not going to hurt you…going to hurt you.

    She’s being tucked into bed, the duvet being pushed softly over her chin and mouth, before being pulled back gently so that it’s not hard to breathe. She’s waiting for him to start telling her a story. He takes a deep breath, letting all of the air out of his lungs so that he isn’t Tense Daddy any more. He’s Relaxed Daddy. He knows that Relaxed Daddy is her favourite. Only, he takes another deep breath and his eyebrows come together for a short time, before he lets the air out of his lungs again. Maybe he’s trying to be Super Relaxed Daddy. Especially Relaxed Daddy. He stares at her, and then begins.

    “Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who lived in a magical, magical land far away from here. The sun always shone and it never rained. Now, the princess lived in a huge castle in the middle of the kingdom and there were fields and meadows of daffodils and roses everywhere and there was a river of gold surrounding the castle so that no evil could get in and the princess was safe from harm. The princess had long golden hair and she had ponies which she rode through the meadows every day. Everyone knew that the princess was the prettiest in all the land, and princes from all over the world wanted to gain her hand in marriage.”

    Her father stops telling the story and looks at her, his eyebrows together again. Why isn’t he going on in the story? He knows that she can’t sleep if a story is left unfinished?

    “Taylor?” he says, after a long time of silence. “You know that I love you, right?”

    “Of course, Daddy,” she replies, confused.

    “And you’ll never hurt me, will you, darling?” he says slowly. This isn’t how the story was meant to go. Especially Relaxed Daddy tells a magical story about how the gorgeous princess finds her prince and lives happily ever after.

    “No, Daddy. I’ll never hurt you. Why do you ask?” After all, Daddy is a big, strong man and how could she do anything to hurt him?

    Her dad pauses again, as though he’s not sure about how to answer.

    “I’m just asking you,” he says.

    “Okay, daddy” she says slowly. “You’ll never hurt me-will you?”

    “No, of course not, Taylor-don’t be silly” he answers in a calm voice. “I’ll never hurt you.” There is a long period in which Super-Duper Relaxed Daddy and Gorgeous Princess stare at each other for what seems like forever. Suddenly, Relaxed Daddy turns and begins to walk out of her bedroom.

    “Daddy, you haven’t finished the story!” she says sadly. “I want to hear the rest of the story!”

    “I’ll tell you…some other time. Soon. Tomorrow. I’m tired, lovely,” he says, his eyebrows drawn together like string was pulling them closer.

    “But I want to hear what happens to the princess…”

    “You’ll hear what happens to her soon, darling. I promise you. I won’t break my promise to you.”

    “Like the promise that you’ll never hurt me?”

    “Of course. I’ll never hurt you, darling, ever. Goodnight. Sweet dreams.”

    Gorgeous Princess can’t sleep that night. She tosses and turns, and pulls the duvet off her and pulls it on again. After what seems like the forever that her daddy usually tells her about, the door bangs open. Gorgeous Princess is scared.

    There are voices. Low and gravely, mixed with quiet and tearful. Suddenly, there is a shout.

    “How many more nights am I going to have to sit up here waiting for you to come home!?! How many more nights am I going to have to sit here with the kids, trying to forget that you’re out there whoring yourself with him?” Relaxed Daddy is shouting. Gorgeous Princess tiptoes out of bed and crouches on the stairs, curled into a ball beside the banister.

    “Whoring myself? How dare you? I am conducting a Research Fellowship that focuses on the breakdown of relationships, and that requires me to spend time with my subjects! He is one of my subjects and therefore I’m going to need to get my data and content from him at some point, aren’t I?”

    “Oh…and of course this definitely requires you to meet him at a restaurant or hotel dressed up like a quasi-sophisticated escort wearing mascara and that bloody Calvin Klein Euphoria, does it?”

    “As I have extremely clearly explained to you before, he feels most comfortable in these informal settings, because he is far more of an introvert in a psychologist’s office! As for the pencil skirt and suit jacket, I like to give off the impression that I am a professional, and, with regards to the perfume, I happen to think that it makes me smell nice, and, I know this might be hard for you to grasp, but some people like to feel good about themselves!”

    “All extremely convenient!” shouts Extremely Relaxed Daddy. Gorgeous Princess begins crying silently. “The fact that the *******-”

    “The *******? He has just lost his wife due to the fact that he was made redundant through no fault of his own! If you met him, you would see that he is the sweetest soul alive, and that, in this situation, you are the *******!” There is a sharp sound, followed by the unmistakeable sound of more crying. Relaxed Daddy might have said that it was Extra-Gorgeous Queen crying.

    There are heavy footsteps on the stairs; it’s Ultra-Relaxed Daddy coming up the stairs. Gorgeous Princess scrambles back into bed.

    She never did get to hear what happened to Gorgeous Princess.

    I stare at the boy in front of me, watching him shoot quick looks at me. He’s saying that he’ll never hurt me. His eyes are different. The eyebrows aren’t together as if a magnet was dragging them inwards. They’re normal, and I get that feeling from them…relief? Relief. He’s still talking.

    “Did you…erm…want to walk to school with me, then? It’s getting late, Taylor.”

    He knows my name. And his voice doesn’t have stones in it…gravel. It’s soft. I might as well go to school. I have nothing to do here apart from tear grass in the cemetery. And he says that he won’t hurt me. I can walk just behind him. That way he can’t get to me to hurt me if he wants to. I slowly untangle my legs and try to use the wall to get up. He extends a hand out towards me to help me up.

    I can’t help it. I’ve flung myself back to the ground again, legs tangled again, and the black tells me my arms are over my face. There’s a numb feeling in my back that tells me I’ve hurt myself again. Nice one. Failure. All you bloody do is injure yourself.

    “Whoa…okay,” he says. “I won’t help you, then. Er…sorry.” He takes a step back. Maybe he isn’t going to hurt me after all. I stare at him for a couple of seconds, before looking away again. Idiot. Don’t stare at him. He steps back again. Something in that step tells me to stop being such a stupid scaredy-cat and just walk to school with him. He’s in my class and he’s never ever ever angry, so maybe he’s just not a nasty person. The other part of my brain sees a bottle in the hands of a horrible, evil man holding a broken bottle in his hands.

    But there’s no bottle in this boy’s hands, and his eyes are light brown and not fire red, and I need to get to school. He waits and watches me with a confused face while I use my hands to pull myself up with the wall, and start walking just behind him.



    It's in the attachment below.
    i'll read it all if you rep me like it says you will in your sig :smug:
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    (Original post by mel0n)
    It seems to switch from one thing to another towards the end, confused me a bit :o: maybe I skim read. Also the tone jumps around a lot but I wouldn't mind reading more.. but it's hard to see where it's going or anything.
    Did you read the excerpt or the attachment? It'll help me to reply better...

    Thanks for the reply, anyway.
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    (Original post by amiejade-x)
    i'll read it all if you rep me like it says you will in your sig :smug:
    :lol: I guess I could throw out a rep for anyone who goes to the trouble...
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    I know you're using it for emphasis but you use the word angry an awful lot

    Other than that it's a good read, the princess story paragraph might benefit from some more punctuation to break that long sentence up and personally I don't really 'like' the constant use of 'relaxed daddy' and 'gorgeous princess'. That's just my opinion though

    So yeah, mostly good
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    (Original post by KingMessi)
    :lol: I guess I could throw out a rep for anyone who goes to the trouble...
    :ahee:
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    (Original post by KingMessi)
    Did you read the excerpt or the attachment? It'll help me to reply better...

    Thanks for the reply, anyway.
    The excerpt. I wouldn't mind carrying on reading though tbh! I think the father's tone is on point but the mother seems FAR too formal imo if she's the kid's mother or whatever I got confused at the point where 'I' is introduced about walking to school or something.

    It's not bad though! Sorry for the criticism, like I said I wouldn't mind reading on though!
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    (Original post by Kaykiie)
    I know you're using it for emphasis but you use the word angry an awful lot

    Other than that it's a good read, the princess story paragraph might benefit from some more punctuation to break that long sentence up and personally I don't really 'like' the constant use of 'relaxed daddy' and 'gorgeous princess'. That's just my opinion though

    So yeah, mostly good
    Thank you for reading. I am painfully aware that I have a habit of overusing some phrases/techniques an awful lot if I think they're appropriate for the time. I used the long sentences to kind of illustrate his distracted tone at that point...almost like a stream of consciousness, monotonous "block of text" sort of thing.

    Thank you for reading-the full attachment's at the bottom of the OP.
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    (Original post by mel0n)
    The excerpt. I wouldn't mind carrying on reading though tbh! I think the father's tone is on point but the mother seems FAR too formal imo if she's the kid's mother or whatever I got confused at the point where 'I' is introduced about walking to school or something.

    It's not bad though! Sorry for the criticism, like I said I wouldn't mind reading on though!
    Okay...I'll re-read the mother's bit tomorrow when I'm slightly more awake, but you may be right. I guess it was to try and portray her eloquence amongst the "childlike" narratives.....thanks for the feedback though-don't apologise for criticism, I await it with bated breath.

    If you really do want to read on what I've done so far is in the attachment in the OP ("Caged")
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    Anyone else?
 
 
 
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