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To what extent does a bad childhood affect relationships? Watch

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    How do you feel to this issue?
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    it affects everything.
    i know personally
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    It only affects half, the other half is what kind of person you are. I had an average childhood, nothing wrong with it yet I cant properly form relationships with people due to the kind of person I am. Then you have people who had horrible ones who are great with people.
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    Well my parents were "emotionally unavailable", and so am I, at least in the sense that I am secretive and don't talk about emotion. My bf says this is a problem though I don't personally see that it is. I guess that is an effect, anyway.

    Based on what I know I tend to agree with the poster above that childhood, whether it was good or bad, affects everything in life.
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    I think it can certainly shape you as a person, especially during adolescence, but there comes a time where you have to put to bed a lot of stuff that happened in the past, otherwise it just ends up defining you. I believe we're a lot more adaptable than we give ourselves credit for, and to be honest, it's not that attractive to hear of a 33-year-old still blaming his present situation on stuff that happened when he was 6.
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    Haven't had a bad childhood.
    Me and marge have our ups and downs, due to growing up and being more aware I can see I want to be nothing like her when I'm her age.

    I think a less-than-average quality childhood can be a bonus if you're aware of it while you are living it. I mean, one motivation of mine is that I never want to end up like my parents, not that they're bad people, I just hope to lead a better life than they have.
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    It can affect it but I strongly believe that life is what you make of it, so if you make the effort to turn things around then its possible to lead a healthy, happy life. My dad for example had a terrible childhood but he did everything possible to make sure that it did not affect the rest of his life or his relationships with people. Of course your childhood will impact on your life, but people deal with things differently so it just depends on the person.
    • #1
    #1

    Depends on the person and what happened... Im really intrested in this topic!
    An example..
    For me, my dad had an affair when i was 7 with a 19 year old girl who had a 4 year old son, he gave up on my family and after stringing my mum along, eventually disappeared one day, contact after that wasnt often and i had a very bad relationship with him, he became more and more violent and abusive and things went more and more wrong and our relationship pletty much diminished to a point the court stopped any contact. For years I lived without him, a pretty normal happy life, i was too young to understand what had happened and his actions.
    When I reached about 15 it really hit me what he'd done and how my life was so different and had something missing. I couldnt be happy and let it take over my life, I ended up self harming and very low. I have always had low confidence. I eventually got help and worked through it, I made contact with my dad and talked about what had gone on. I realised he has (to a degree) changed, heard about his life and new family and by dealing with the past I felt it settled my mind. The pain and memories of what happened will never go, but the way I think about it is different and through dealing with it i have become a far stronger person, more confident and self-assured as well as having a lot more appreciation for life and the family i do have and completely different aspirations and goals in life. I think it has made me a very determined person.

    In terms of relationships, I think I naturally am the kind of person who puts lots in and really cares for a person, I think my experiences have shaped who I am and what I want from life, and hence the type of relationships I want, but I think the past doesnt directly effect relationships, I don't feel insecure or lack of trust and I would certainly never go the way my father did or treat anyone how he treated me.. I think its a lot about the way people think too.. I could still go over and over and be depressed by what happened and hte still rocky relationship i have with my father, but I have learnt to accept realtionships can be hard and not let it emotionally take over my life, I live with it and am very happy, reasonably open and emotionally stable!

    In ways if my experiences hadnt happened I would not be as strong and resilient as I am. I know a lot of people who blame everything on their past and othera actions towards them but I think you have to reach a stage and move on and take responsibility for your response to the past.

    ...not intending to write so much so deep ha! leave anon or delete please.
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    It can affect it because it affects who you are. The important thing is decide one of two things: tell the significant other what happened or not to tell them. I always go for the former because, even though it isn't pleasant, when I have my 'down days' my girlfriend then knows why I have troubles and is always willing to support me. I also think it means that, like all other aspects of a relationship, I just came out of a relationship where someone was quite unsympathetic. I am not self-pitying, but on the other hand, there are always the rough days when you think back to it or when certain people who remind you of it are around. She never really cared or supported me that much... needless to say that relationship ended. So I think it can 'affect a relationship' but it isn't the relationship that is affected per se, it is the person that is affected and the affect it has on their moods/personality is something that always needs to be taken into account when finding someone to date.
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    Quite a lot, I think. Feels like I could write an essay on this!
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    read about Attachment Theory (Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby are the two authors you are looking for), it will be a real eye opener on the topic
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    Well it left me with a crippling social anxiety and an inability to understand human behaviour, so I haven't had many successful relationships.
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    depends whether you deal with it or not
    you let it rule your life course it affects relationships, you move on, your personality has still been shaped by that but it ownt affect it so much
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    I t has a massive impact, as relationships depend entirely on who you are as a person and childhood has a massive bearing on that. However, I would not say this effect is definable, I know from both personal experience and close friends that abusive childhoods can lead to all sorts of effects, both good and bad (strong motivation being a good example and trust issues a bad one).
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    (Original post by Iorek)
    How do you feel to this issue?
    The things that happen during your childhood are implanted in your mind, especially traumatic things. Your mind buries them so that they're forgotten but the fears that came with them do not. These fears can carry through into adulthood and can define you. They can break you if you let them.
    A lot of people with seriously traumatic childhoods, e.g. having gone through sexual abuse, often have deep rooted fears of intimacy (in this case). But you can get over them no matter the circumstances; it's not easy but it's definitely possible.
    A bad childhood will definitely affect your relationships. Even having socially inept parents can affect your relationships.
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    It affects my ability to trust people.
    On a more general note, Attachment Theory has a load of interesting stuff on this, read about John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth etc. It's good stuff.

    Edit: Somebody else has already mentioned the above lol. Oops. But the point still stands.
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    I think it can affect adult personality a great deal, but the best route to overcoming emotional problems like this is exploring and understanding them, possibly with a shrink.
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    I know more about this than I would ever really need to know.

    Let's just say that people who have been deprived cruelly of their innocence can feel soiled, damaged, without hope of shelter, and profoundly unable to quite trust men again. And this filters with devastating effect into every area of their life. Nothing can make such an innocent person feel quite so complicit.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bH1TkRJFSZk
    • #2
    #2

    well from my experience my parents split up when i was 8.... there was always arguing going on before that.it was a very very messy separation ( i was even put into foster care for a while) i blocked alot of it out because it was that bad. i dont speak to my father now not because he left my mother just because i have nothing in common with him its like talking to a stranger and convo we ever had has always felt forced which is scary when you compare it to the way i was a daddy's girl before i turned 8. not to mention growing up with a abusive mother who has bi-polar didnt help me at all!

    so to sum it up i have
    - trust issues with people
    -i dont expect anything from people so i dont get hurt
    -fear of commitment
    -excessive anger ( i have been told )

    so even with all that in my life...... im going to uni, i have my friends , im motivated to get the career i want and love ( which is working with animals and all i can say is i love them have a relaxing effect on me), a good social life maybe too much im a bit wild ha.... so overall my life is improving all the time
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    A LOT
 
 
 
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