How should I guy treat a girl?

Right... a little bit of explanation needed here. :rolleyes:

At present I am a little bemused and confused. :frown:

I've always been the kinda guy who feels protective towards girls. You know, walk a girl home, never hit them, treat them well... better in other words than I would a guy. I'm talking in general here btw... not in a relationship specifically, just friends and acquaintances.

Thing is I was having a conversation yesterday, in which I was accused of being sexist and patronising for showing this viewpoint. :s:

I basically said I wasn't overly happy about a girl, a friend of sorts, walking home drunk (although she did do this).

The thing is Im confused... I've always tried to do the right thing and I've seen it as the right thing to do - just good manners. But she is right, it is sexist and possibly patronising. But up to this point I'd always thought of it as a good thing. So does that make me a bad person? She compared it to racism, saying that the way I had been brought up was no excuse. :frown:

So I'd like to know the general consensus of TSR. Clearly each person must be treated on their own merits. But what is your own personal opinion on this matter? Girls in particular, Id like your opinions. I dont mind what you say, all comments welcome positive and negative. I just want help in clearing my head cos its driving me mad! :frown:

Poll coming up, its a private poll so be honest - no-one will know what you say. Thanks a lot for any help you can provide :smile:

Reply 1

sassy_j85*

7

F1 fanatic

Right... a little bit of explanation needed here. :rolleyes:

At present I am a little bemused and confused. :frown:

I've always been the kinda guy who feels protective towards girls. You know, walk a girl home, never hit them, treat them well... better in other words than I would a guy. I'm talking in general here btw... not in a relationship specifically, just friends and acquaintances.

Thing is I was having a conversation yesterday, in which I was accused of being sexist and patronising for showing this viewpoint. :s:

I basically said I wasn't overly happy about a girl, a friend of sorts, walking home drunk (although she did do this).

The thing is Im confused... I've always tried to do the right thing and I've seen it as the right thing to do - just good manners. But she is right, it is sexist and possibly patronising. But up to this point I'd always thought of it as a good thing. So does that make me a bad person? She compared it to racism, saying that the way I had been brought up was no excuse. :frown:

So I'd like to know the general consensus of TSR. Clearly each person must be treated on their own merits. But what is your own personal opinion on this matter? Girls in particular, Id like your opinions. I dont mind what you say, all comments welcome positive and negative. I just want help in clearing my head cos its driving me mad! :frown:

Poll coming up, its a private poll so be honest - no-one will know what you say. Thanks a lot for any help you can provide :smile:

Well i think it is a shame that there arent more guys like you-in my experience it is a rareity. I dont see how you not wanting to let a drunk girl walk home on her own is sexist or patronising. You were just showing that you care and have this girls best interests at heart. Whats sexist or patronising about that?I would be more worried about a guy if he did want to let me walk home on my own.

x

Reply 2

sr4470

15

Well, I guess theres a point where you have to draw a line with the protectiveness bit. Girls dont like it when you baby them, they can look after themselves (well, most of the time :rolleyes:

). Obviously some people wont find it partonising or offensive. Perhaps you shouldnt make it seem like you're treating them differently purely because theyre female.

Reply 3

*Sarah...*

I'm a girl and I like guys who are gentlemen, open doors and walk me home etc. I think the problem is too many people are into "girl power", which I agree with to a certain extent eg, equality in work etc but why would anyone want to be treated badly??
I don't think you're being sexist just being a gentleman theres not enough men like you around!! :biggrin:

Reply 4

mynameis

oppsite to how you treat your mates

Reply 5

sr4470

15

sassy_j85*

Well i think it is a shame that there arent more guys like you-in my experience it is a rarity.

Its also a shame some girls dont appreciate it when there are, either.

sassy_j85*

I dont see how you not wanting to let a drunk girl walk home on her own is sexist or patronising. You were just showing that you care and have this girls best interests at heart. Whats sexist or patronising about that?I would be more worried about a guy if he did want to let me walk home on my own.

x

I guess she doesnt see it that way, but you're right, he hasnt technically done anything wrong (other than maybe annoying her, but thats her problem really if she cant see his good intentions).

Reply 6

*starry_eyed_*

14

If only there were more guys like you! Seriously, I have guy mates like you, who make an efort to make sure I'm safe. TBH, I do think they are a bit overprotective at times, but I know they do it out of love, not to carry on the traditional patriarchal role! Your friend seems to have mis-interpreted your actions and jumped down your throat for caring! You need to tell her you're only doing it because you care, but take into account how she reacts to things, for next time :smile:

Reply 7

F1 fanatic

OP

16

Ok this might help explain things. This is the transcript of the conversation. I've renamed the other person as I dont think its fair to give their name out on an internet forum :s:

:

MSN

Abigail: so you "werent totally happy" about it because i was drunk, but i was supposed to say "i am drunk, please come help me"?
Stu: well as i said youd gone and I thought she shouldnt be doing that
Abigail: this is very slightly patronising btw
Stu: but as I didnt know where you'd gone I couldnt do much about it
I dont see it as such. You were drunk. Its just my protective nature Im afraid.
Its nothing personal.
Abigail: i havent drunk to the point where i lost it since i was about 16
Stu: I dont see you as any different to anyone else - Im not singling you out here :smile:

Abigail: and i really dislike the suggestion that because i'm female i can't take care of myself, because frankly its really patronising. i can handle my alcohol
Stu: I dont think I said that
Abigail: i go to self defence classes
Stu: If a bloke was drunk it would be the same
Abigail: and i'm gobby so i reckon i'd probably be better on my own than with the "help" of most of the blokes who want to look after me
Stu: In this case its not your sex that determines it though it would have been had you had to go a long way home
Abigail: because you'd be able to protect me?
Stu: its not that as such. I just see it as my duty - linking in to before I would never forgive myself if something did happen
Abigail: i'm sorry but this is so offensive. your duty? because i'm a weak pathetic little girl?
Stu: no!
Abigail: i'm older than you
Stu: I know It just feels the right thing to do. Im not going to force it upon you but I would offer. I see that as just being polite. Im sorry Im the way I am - but its just the way I was brought up.
Abigail: if i was racist because it was how i'd been brought up, would that me acceptable?
Stu: but its not like that
Abigail: would it be cool for me to say sorry but thats just how i was brought up. it is, you're being sexist and patronising
Stu: Im sorry Its not meant that way I promise. Ive said before that I see women as better than men
Abigail: thats sexism. sexism is distinguishing, women arent better or worse than men. hello sexual equality
Stu: well I fancy girls - I dont fancy guys, hence my judgement is warped + you give me the choice between hanging out with guys or girls and Id probably choose girls - I just in general get on better with them. besides - this isnt just about girls, this goes for anyone. I always try to put others before myself. I dont always succeed but I try. I feel so bad about all this. Mainly because in a way i think you might be right :frown:

. i can only apologise and say i will never treat you like this.

Reply 8

*starry_eyed_*

14

F1 fanatic

Ok this might help explain things. This is the transcript of the conversation. I've renamed the other person as I dont think its fair to give their name out on an internet forum :s:

:

awww she's being totally unfair! by the sounds of it, she's picked out things you didn't even say and is twisting everything! In reality, I think you should just give it time for everything to blow over and then approach her. Is she a close friend btw?

Reply 9

evil groove

F1 fanatic

Ok this might help explain things. This is the transcript of the conversation. I've renamed the other person as I dont think its fair to give their name out on an internet forum :s:

:

You were definitely right to try and look after her. She's just angry/ embarrassed because she got drunk. But if she doesn't appreciate you, help others instead of her, next time!

Reply 10

SunburnedCactus

11

I don't think it's you with the problem here.

Reply 11

Poica

14

She's either feminist or you just pissed her off so she's having a go at you for whatever reason. Either way, it's completely unjustified, you seem like a really nice bloke, and she sounds like a silly bitch. Sorry if you're close, but I say what I think.

Reply 12

*Emily*

1

i think that people shoudnt go home late and drunk on their own whether they're a girl or boy.. there are people out there who are dangerous and who may grab someone whether to rob/hurt them, doesnt matter whether the person is male/female, the risk is still there. so people should walk home together if possible, and you were just being friendly and helpful, dont worry about it, most people wouldnt be offended :wink:

Reply 13

*Sarah...*

I'd make a point of not helping her for a while... see what she thinks if you shut a door infront of her etc... :p:

Reply 14

F1 fanatic

OP

16

*starry_eyed_*

awww she's being totally unfair! by the sounds of it, she's picked out things you didn't even say and is twisting everything! In reality, I think you should just give it time for everything to blow over and then approach her. Is she a close friend btw?

Not overly close no. I dont really know her that well. Shes a girl that lives in my block at uni. If I knew her really really well I'd wouldnt have said any of the things I did about walking her home, as its clear she isnt into the mindset of being walked home.

Its not so much her individual case thats the thing. I mean I do hardly know her and you could argue... well its just one person. But thats the thing, she does have a serious point. If we are being honest it IS sexist and patronising. The question is, is it acceptable in todays society? Hence why I posted - I wanted to judge peoples opinions on it.

And thanks for all your replies btw :smile:

Reply 15

TheLameMonkey

I'd ALWAYS walk a girl home if she was drunk, I find it very uncomfortable letting them walk by themselves at night.

Its not patronising, nor is it chauvinistic - the fact is, women are more likely to be attacked than men, and they're not as likely to be able to defend themselves. Its just common sense that someone should look out for them :/ :redface:

Reply 16

shrutikim

1

Exactly if she cant see, your good intentions, then maybe she is THICK and immature.

If you wanted you could have let her, walk home alone, when she was drunk and unconscious ... she could have been run over by a car.... or bumped into some sick man (and that wouldn’t be nice at all)
But you were so considerate and you thought of her ... and instead of being grateful for what you did for her, if she is behaving like this then, there isn’t much to say.
But just because, it was you, she is behaving like that, had it been her elder brother of her father, would she do the same.

Reply 17

SunburnedCactus

11

I thought it was called "being a gentleman", anyway.

Reply 18

F1 fanatic

OP

16

*starry_eyed_*

If only there were more guys like you! Seriously, I have guy mates like you, who make an efort to make sure I'm safe. TBH, I do think they are a bit overprotective at times, but I know they do it out of love, not to carry on the traditional patriarchal role! Your friend seems to have mis-interpreted your actions and jumped down your throat for caring! You need to tell her you're only doing it because you care, but take into account how she reacts to things, for next time :smile: