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Compulsive lying

I wonder whether anyone on this forum has experienced first-hand compulsive lying or has been acquainted with anyone who is a compulsive liar and has any ideas as to how one should go about dealing with those who have this condition.

I have a friend who lies compulsively. Here’s a bit of background: We’ve been friends since we were about 6 years old or so and I’d say I know her just as well as she knows herself. But for as long as I can remember she has lied consistently about everything and anything; it’s unbelievable when you consider the things she lies about, even seemingly mundane things such what clothes she’s brought, who she’s spoken to, who she’s seen and so on. Basically she lies about things on the spot, I don’t even think she thinks about what she says. It’s almost as if it’s natural for her to make false assertions.

I thought she may have grown out of it, but we’re both 19 years old now and she still lies compulsively. Last week really demonstrated to me the extent of her erratic behaviour. I asked her what university she was now attending (she was unsure about where she wanted to go) and she told me, but it was a different university to the one she had told me about previously and the course she was supposed to be studying was different too. The university she claims to be attending is a highly prestigious one and I seriously doubt she goes there. Just weeks before she had given me the names of two other unis, not to mention different courses too. I’m fairly sure she’s lying about her A level grades as well. I asked her whether I could see her university student ID and she pretended like she was getting it out of her bag and then made some clumsy excuse about it being right at the bottom of her bag and that she couldn’t get it out. Doesn’t she realise how easily she could get caught out? Does she think that I’ll never find out or something? I don’t understand why she does it. How am I supposed to react? How do I handle her tactfully with out being insensitive?

Does anyone know whether this is actually a form of mental illness?

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I love you Xanthe

does she know that you know that she's lying?

Reply 3

Xanthe

She doesn't know...but I'm sure she has some idea. She's quite clever/cunning.

Reply 4

Icy Ghost

Have you ever been straight with her, like ask her why is she telling you different stories, and that you know she isn't telling the truth and she has been like this since she was really young?

Reply 5

Xanthe

Icy Ghost

Have you ever been straight with her, like ask her why is she telling you different stories, and that you know she isn't telling the truth and she has been like this since she was really young?

No.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, we've been really good friends for such a long time, I don't want to cause her any embarrassment...I just think it's getting out of hand now...but I don't know how to handle it...

Reply 6

Feefifofum

It might be a good time for "cruel to be kind" though. You're clearly a nice enough person not to make an issue of it, but at uni (whichever one that may be) there's no telling how people will react to it. Also it may cause her serious problems later in life: applying for jobs, trying to meet partners etc. Maybe you should sit her down and have a good chat about it? That might backfire and make her feel alienated though. It is possible that she notices that she's doing it, but can't stop; if this is the case she might appreciate having someone to talk to about it. Also, even if this is not a form of mental illness in itself, it does show that she clearly has some kind of problem, whether it is mental health-related, or just a lack pf confidence in herself.

Reply 7

Juno

I had a friend who lied about everything. One week she thought she was pregnant, the next she was a virgin and hadn't done anything with boys! In the end I got fed up of her, and stopped being friends with her.

Your friend might have lied for so long she's got used to it, and so it will be harder for her to tell the truth. You probably should try to talk to her about it before it gets any worse.

Reply 8

icklehc

i had a friend who compulsively lied. Not major things but things like saying she had met famous people. She was actualy quite lonely and i think it was a form of attention seeking.

Reply 9

Sheen

thats strange...youd think if since she's know you since you were 6 she'd be abel to trust you

Reply 10

gigglybum

maybe she feels that she has to keep up with you or something......if u get what i mean?!

Reply 11

Xanthe

Feefifofum

Maybe you should sit her down and have a good chat about it? That might backfire and make her feel alienated though.

The thing is, she has soo much pride. For as long as I've known her she has never wanted to admit that she may be wrong about something. She's really stubborn too and at school she was popular and people (class mates, teachers) respected her etc because she was religious and sanctimonious about everything. She exercised this sort of power over people, she could get people to do anything she wanted. As I mentined before she's a very cunning person. I don't think she'd ever admit to being a compulsive liar.

feefifofum

It is possible that she notices that she's doing it, but can't stop; if this is the case she might appreciate having someone to talk to about it. Also, even if this is not a form of mental illness in itself, it does show that she clearly has some kind of problem, whether it is mental health-related, or just a lack pf confidence in herself.

I agree with your first sentence very much. But I don't know how I can help her since I'm not sure whether she would ever admit to being wrong or indeed accept anything I say. I'm thinking maybe she needs to see a therapist or something. I fear she may collapse in to some sort of nervous breakground in her later adult life.

Reply 12

Evenstar

I've known people who lie compulsively. It's really sad because you get to the point where you can't take anything they say for real, you just question everything and there's no trust left. What is any relationship/friendship if there's no trust?

Reply 13

Xanthe

gigglybum

maybe she feels that she has to keep up with you or something......if u get what i mean?!

We were both quite competitive at school and I have seriously considered this suggestion. But it's not just the university situation she's lied about and she lies about other things as well and I'm fairly sure she doesn't do it only to me.

Reply 14

Xanthe

L.J

I think you should try to catch her out. If you don't want to hurt her, then next time she says where she studies, just say "oh but I thought you studied at x" and look at her suspiciously. When she says "no I didn't", say ok and let it go.

That's what I said to her when I saw her, I said "I thought you studied X?" then she said "No, I'm taking some courses there" which BTW is an outright lie as I know that university doesn't have any sort of partnership with that the other college and especially for her course. I applied to that university last year and I know with 100% certainty.

L.J

Then do it again with something else. She should realise that you're catching on and maybe stop.

I personally would just confront her because I'd be offended that such an old friend was lying to me and making me look like a fool. Maybe she needs to talk about it?

I just wouldn't know where to start if I did have this conversation with her... :frown:

Reply 15

gigglybum

just sit down with her and say "look, i want to talk to you about something which has been bothering me over the years........STOP LYING!!!!!!!!!!!!"............
she'll freak out, cry a bit, and then confess :biggrin:

Reply 16

xelprep

lol strange situation. to tell or not to tell. i dont i would Xanthe because she's done it for so long if you tell her now you knew all these years she'd been lieing she might go insane. maybe slowly hint to her that lieing is bad and being truthful is good between friends. but not say it explicitely?

Reply 17

Dragonshorts

I knew a girl who lied about everything. Even really mad stuff, like once she told a teacher, infront of the whole class, that she and her friend who was sitting next to her at the time, had been in the recent American Hurricane. It was crazy. It was obviously not true, since she had been in school at the time of it, and because the girl she claimed had been with her had no idea what she was talking about, but she inisisted she'd been there. I used to think maybe she just did it to test what she could get people to believe, and then because she did it so often the things really became real to her. I used to always laugh when she told an obvious lie, thinking she was joking, and then she'd ask me why i was laughing at her all serious and i got really freaked out. The only thing that worked was picking gaping holes in her stories to prove they couldnt be true to the point she couldnt deny it anymore. I wasnt friends with her for long. I don't know if this is the same with your friend, but i think you should definately say something to her, even if it isnt a direct confrontation. Just show her that you KNOW its not true, and so the lies are unnecessary and unappreiciated.

Reply 18

Logan

well compulsive liers can be treated when they get caught that they are lying. It is better to be straight to them and tell them or remind them in a good way that they are lying again. I show no interest in listening to a person who is lying, they sense that youre not so keen on listening and so theyll slowly change their ways. But i steer clear from these people as the stories they make are dangerous, and can be very negative and you can get affected.

Reply 19

gigglybum

maybe she just likes being the centre of attention.....like she wants everything to happen to her....maybe to simply 'entertain you'.........i would just confront her, besides she's been LYING to YOU!!!.....if you 'upset' her its her god damn fault!.....she'll get over it and never do it again :smile: