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DanMushMan
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#41
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#41
Two eggs are in a frying pan. One egg says 'is it just me, or it is hot in here?' The other egg says 'Holy sht! A talking egg!'
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4Ed
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#42
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#42
(Original post by DanMushMan)
Two eggs are in a frying pan. One egg says 'is it just me, or it is hot in here?' The other egg says 'Holy sht! A talking egg!'
lol i had to read that again before I understood it - but it cracks me up now
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4Ed
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#43
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#43
George Bush goes out to inspect some farms. He sees an animal in the next field, points to it, and asks the farmer 'Why does that cow have no horns?'
The farmer replies 'There are many reasons why a cow may have no horns. Some breeds of cows are born without horns. Some may be too young to have grown their horns, while for certain breeds of cow, only the bull would grow horns. Sometimes, they have been cut off and trimmed by the farmer for aesthetic or disease purposes, and sometimes it gets tangled so badly in wire fences etc, it has to be shorn off. However, there's only one reason why that cow doesn't have any horns...... it's a horse!'
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splaty
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#44
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#44
My worst Joke:

Why didn't the two men fight?

Because there was a jar of Lemon Curd in between them.

Runner up:

Why did the squirrel fall off the mans head?

Somebody buttered its feet.
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viviki
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#45
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#45
(Original post by splaty)
My worst Joke:

Why didn't the two men fight?

Because there was a jar of Lemon Curd in between them.

[/i]
Am i being really thick? I dont get it.
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splaty
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#46
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#46
You have to be there..

It's so ridiculously terrible, it sometimes gets a laugh or two. You're not thick, there is nothing to get, lol

It's sort of like the Knock Knock inverse joke:

Person 1 : 'Okay, I'm going to do a Knock Knock joke, you start..'
Person 2 : 'Alright.. Knock Knock?'
Person 1 : 'Who's there?'
Person 2 : *pause* 'Uhm..'
Person 1 : 'You call that a joke? That's terrible.'

Or.. For a terrible joke with a meaning -

Theres two Fish in a tank. One says to the other, 'How do I drive this thing?'
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Julia O.
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#47
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#47
what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?????

"Where's my tractor?"
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splaty
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#48
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#48
Why did the tree fall over?
It slipped on a Haddock

Why did the car crash?
The driver turned into a Goat.

Why did the blind man walk into a wall?
Because his guide dog turned into a toothbrush.

Got too many of these.. Spent a week making them up when I went away with my youth group in August, heh. You'd think that they wouldn't pass as jokes, but I've put someone into a fit of hysterics with these before.
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DanMushMan
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#49
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#49
(Original post by splaty)
Why did the tree fall over?
It slipped on a Haddock

Why did the car crash?
The driver turned into a Goat.

Why did the blind man walk into a wall?
Because his guide dog turned into a toothbrush.

Got too many of these.. Spent a week making them up when I went away with my youth group in August, heh. You'd think that they wouldn't pass as jokes, but I've put someone into a fit of hysterics with these before.
wow, a great advert for your youth group.....
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Julia O.
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#50
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#50
There once was a guy driving a car down the road. Suddenly, he had a flat. It was late at night and he had no cell phone, so he stopped by a house so he could borrow the phone. The only strange thing was that the house was completely pink. There was pink grass, pink windows, a pink roof, pink walls, and a pink chimney. When he rang the pink doorbell a woman with pink hair in a pink dress with pink glasses answered.

"can i use your phone?" said the guy.

"sure," said the pink lady,"it's upstairs at the end of the hall. but don't go into any of the doors along the hall."

so the guy walked up the pink stairs, down the pink hallway, and picked up the pink phone and dialed a towing company. unfortunately, they said they wouldn't tow that late at night so he asked the pink lady if he could stay the night. "sure," she said, and showed him to a guest room.

another guy was driving a motorcycle down the road when he got a flat tire. he had no cell phone so he stopped by the house with the pink grass, pink windows, a pink roof, pink walls, and a pink chimney. when he rang the pink doorbell, a woman with pink hair in a pink dress with pink glasses answered.

"can i use your phone?" asked the other guy.

"sure," said the pink lady, "it's upstairs at the end of the hall. but don't go into any of the doors along the hall."

so the other guy walked up the pink stairs, down the pink hallway, and picked up the pink phone and dialed a towing company. unfortunately, they said they wouldn't tow that late at night so he asked the pink lady if he could stay the night. "sure," she said, and showed him to another guest room.

yet another guy was driving down the road in a truck when he got a flat tire. he had no cell phone so he stopped by the house with the pink grass, pink windows, a pink roof, pink walls, and a pink chimney. when he rang the pink doorbell, a woman with pink hair in a pink dress with pink glasses answered.

"can i use your phone?" asked the last guy.

"sure," said the pink lady, "it's upstairs at the end of the hall. but don't go into any of the doors along the hall."

so the last guy walked up the pink stairs, down the pink hallway, and picked up the pink phone and dialed a towing company. unfortunately, they said they wouldn't tow that late at night so he asked the pink lady if he could stay the night. "sure," she said, and showed him to another guest room.

when the first guy woke up, he walked down the pink stairs and into the pink kitchen for breakfast. there were six little cereal boxes: three fruit loops boxes and three frosted flakes. he chose frosted flakes, called the towing company, and left.

when the second guy woke up, he walked down the pink stairs and into the pink kitchen for breakfast. he chose fruit loops, called the towing company, and left.

when the third guy woke up, he walked down the pink stairs and into the pink kitchen for breakfast. he chose frosted flakes, called the towing company, and left.

the moral of this story? two out of three people choose frosted flakes over fruit loops.
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splaty
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#51
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#51
(Original post by DanMushMan)
wow, a great advert for your youth group.....
Don't get me wrong, it was awesome.

We camped for a week. The night discussions started to wane and we (we being myself and one particuarly crazy leader) moved on to Fish.. And so the kookiness commenced.
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adelz
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#52
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#52
(Original post by Julia O.)
There once was a guy driving a car down the road. Suddenly, he had a flat. It was late at night and he had no cell phone, so he stopped by a house so he could borrow the phone. The only strange thing was that the house was completely pink. There was pink grass, pink windows, a pink roof, pink walls, and a pink chimney. When he rang the pink doorbell a woman with pink hair in a pink dress with pink glasses answered.

"can i use your phone?" said the guy.

"sure," said the pink lady,"it's upstairs at the end of the hall. but don't go into any of the doors along the hall."

so the guy walked up the pink stairs, down the pink hallway, and picked up the pink phone and dialed a towing company. unfortunately, they said they wouldn't tow that late at night so he asked the pink lady if he could stay the night. "sure," she said, and showed him to a guest room.

another guy was driving a motorcycle down the road when he got a flat tire. he had no cell phone so he stopped by the house with the pink grass, pink windows, a pink roof, pink walls, and a pink chimney. when he rang the pink doorbell, a woman with pink hair in a pink dress with pink glasses answered.

"can i use your phone?" asked the other guy.

"sure," said the pink lady, "it's upstairs at the end of the hall. but don't go into any of the doors along the hall."

so the other guy walked up the pink stairs, down the pink hallway, and picked up the pink phone and dialed a towing company. unfortunately, they said they wouldn't tow that late at night so he asked the pink lady if he could stay the night. "sure," she said, and showed him to another guest room.

yet another guy was driving down the road in a truck when he got a flat tire. he had no cell phone so he stopped by the house with the pink grass, pink windows, a pink roof, pink walls, and a pink chimney. when he rang the pink doorbell, a woman with pink hair in a pink dress with pink glasses answered.

"can i use your phone?" asked the last guy.

"sure," said the pink lady, "it's upstairs at the end of the hall. but don't go into any of the doors along the hall."

so the last guy walked up the pink stairs, down the pink hallway, and picked up the pink phone and dialed a towing company. unfortunately, they said they wouldn't tow that late at night so he asked the pink lady if he could stay the night. "sure," she said, and showed him to another guest room.

when the first guy woke up, he walked down the pink stairs and into the pink kitchen for breakfast. there were six little cereal boxes: three fruit loops boxes and three frosted flakes. he chose frosted flakes, called the towing company, and left.

when the second guy woke up, he walked down the pink stairs and into the pink kitchen for breakfast. he chose fruit loops, called the towing company, and left.

when the third guy woke up, he walked down the pink stairs and into the pink kitchen for breakfast. he chose frosted flakes, called the towing company, and left.

the moral of this story? two out of three people choose frosted flakes over fruit loops.
you are gay
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elpaw
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#53
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#53
(Original post by adelz)
you are gay
thankyou for pointing that out. you have done your country a great service.
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Sire
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#54
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#54
(Original post by elpaw)
thankyou for pointing that out. you have done your country a great service.
*whimpers* All these men of liiiiibbbbeeerrrty
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adelz
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#55
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#55
LOL thank you. I think I deserve to be knighted - even though im not British..
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siren
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#56
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#56
These jokes are in a league of their own.. some should come with a warning label!! i mean lemon curd!?!
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Levithian
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#57
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#57
(Original post by siren)
These jokes are in a league of their own.. some should come with a warning label!! i mean lemon curd!?!
Aren't you glad I got the thread going again?
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hornblower
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#58
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#58
Here's the one I used to alleviate the tension whilst we chemistry applicants were waiting for interview at Oxford:


An ion walks into a bar and says to the barman, 'I've lost an electron.'

The barman asks, 'Are you sure?'

The ion replies, 'Yes - I'm positive!'


J.
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elpaw
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#59
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#59
(Original post by hornblower)
Here's the one I used to alleviate the tension whilst we chemistry applicants were waiting for interview at Oxford:


An electron walks into a bar and says to the barman, 'I've lost an electron.'

The barman asks, 'Are you sure?'

The electron replies, 'Yes - I'm positive!'


J.
<physics geek> you probably mean ion </physics geek>
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MattG
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#60
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#60
two condoms walk past a gay bar

one of them says to the other "lets go in there and get ****-faced"

sorry, it is funny tho

what have gareth gates and harold shipman got in common?

they both can't finish a sentence

two peanuts walking down the road

one is assaulted
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