Bad jokes. Watch

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hornblower
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#61
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#61
(Original post by elpaw)
<physics geek> you probably mean ion </physics geek>
Whoops! Yes, I forgot about that. I've changed it now. I don't tell that joke very often...
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Pollo Loco
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#62
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#62
Not as bad as some already posted but bad anyway.


1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

5. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round. The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

21. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

22. A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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MattG
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#63
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#63
dear god these are shocking ROFL
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4Ed
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#64
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#64
(Original post by MattG)
dear god these are shocking ROFL
what do you think of this...




What do you call a man with no arms and legs, who successfully swims across the Atlantic?

Clever ****
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Juwel
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#65
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#65
A biscuit gets run over. His friend says "crumbs"...
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waiting2smile
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#66
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#66
(Original post by 4Ed)
what do you think of this...




What do you call a man with no arms and legs, who successfully swims across the Atlantic?

Clever ****
i think absolutly charming :rolleyes:
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lou p lou
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#67
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#67
these jokes are all so bad... i like them

lou xxx
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Juwel
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#68
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#68
An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar.

The barman says "Is this some kind of a joke?"
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young_free
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#69
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#69
Why is the graveyard so noisy?



Because of all the coffin.
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magicalsausage
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#70
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#70
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a country lane.
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Pollo Loco
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#71
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Not jokes just really gross facts

Fresh urine is cleaner than spit or the skin on your face because healthy pee is not home to bacteria.

About ten billion tiny scales of skin rub off your body every day. In a lifetime, you could fill eighteen sugar bags with dead skin.

Your mouth is one of the liveliest parts of your whole body. More than 100,000,000 micro-creatures live there at any one time.

Feet sweat because there are about 250,000 pores on their soles that squirt a quarter cup of liquid each day.

Your nose can sense smell best when you are about 10 years old. That's probably why kids notice gross smells faster than adults.

Every year, parks in London alone are doused in one million gallons of dog urine

If your body's natural defences failed, the bacteria in your gut would consume you within 48 hours, literally eating you from the inside out.

What is one of the most difficult items for sewage works to handle, as it is insoluble, yet fine enough to pass through most filtration systems? (Every month Thames Water removes over a ton of this substance from its water treatment plants, whereupon it is taken away to a landfill site and buried). You guessed it - pubic hair.

Parasites count for 0.01% of your body weight.
Henry II was murdered by by his homosexual lover, who pushed a red hot poker 0.5 metres up his rectum.
The longest recorded tapeworm found in the human body was 33 *metres* in length.
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magicalsausage
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#72
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Henry II was murdered by by his homosexual lover, who pushed a red hot poker 0.5 metres up his rectum.
I've always found that particularly amusing. I think there might be a song about it.... if there isn't somebody should write one now.
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young_free
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#73
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only replying to see what my avatar looks like.

A man went to visit his friend with an iron burn on each of his cheeks. His friend asked how he had done that and he replied
"Well I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang, by accident i picked up the iron and said 'hello' "
So his friend then asked why he also had an iron burn on the other side of the cheek. He replied
"The person rang back."

I dont know if i told that right. hmm.
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DanMushMan
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#74
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what's the smallest pub in the world?

thalidomide arms

sorry..
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Sire
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#75
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I'm not sure if many will have the sense of humour to appreciate these jokes. It really is in bad taste but I'm going to post anyway for the benefit of those mature few who can appreciate good humour, despite the implications.

Q - What is better than winning Gold in the special Olympics?
A - Having two legs.

Q - What is black and sits in atop a flight of stairs in a wheel chair?
A - A paraplegic after a house fire.

very bad I know
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sarahwhatevver
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#76
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#76
Am I just weird or do most people find these jokes funny? :confused:
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Sire
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#77
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(Original post by sarahwhatevver)
Am I just weird or do most people find these jokes funny? :confused:
I love bad jokes. They generally go over the head of most people though, but I found the thread on the 3rd page one day and just kept searching for it to post on. Others seem to like it though. Uhmm do you not find any of these funny? And time for another bad one.

A man walks into the doctors office and flops his penis out on the desk. "Take a look at this will ya doc?" The doctor prods it a few times and indeed looks it over. "I can see nothing wrong with your penis sir" replies the doctor. "I know" beams the man "Isn't is a beauty?"
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tessie
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#78
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#78
when is a door not a door?
when it's ajar.
*buh dum dum ching*
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sarahwhatevver
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#79
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I hope nobody gets offended by this...it is all in good humour!

Capitalism for Dummies

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.

Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.

Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.

Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.

Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.

Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.
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elpaw
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#80
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#80
(Original post by Pollo Loco)
Henry II was murdered by by his homosexual lover, who pushed a red hot poker 0.5 metres up his rectum.
ouch. that must have hurt! (dur... obviously :rolleyes: )
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