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Custard
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#1
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I, as i usually do, was pondering the art of insulting people. I have very dry and black humour (sarcasm, irony) and usually never tired of brilliant insults that just have to make you crack up or feel extremely sorry for yourself, but over the last recent weeks i have found my insults gettin rather poor and feeble. Just today i called some a tree! A TREE!! I don't know how that offended anyone, but i just pretended i didn't say it and carried on as normal.
I was just wondering if anyone would help me out and give some inspiration and some amazing quotes taken from your lives so i can, once again, be ace putting people back in their place.

I do not wish for any of the insults to be used on just any person who i decide to pick on for no apparent reason but for people who have a problem with moi.
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Perplexed
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#2
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My standard insult: "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries".
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ThornsnRoses
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#3
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(Original post by Custard)
I, as i usually do, was pondering the art of insulting people. I have very dry and black humour (sarcasm, irony) and usually never tired of brilliant insults that just have to make you crack up or feel extremely sorry for yourself, but over the last recent weeks i have found my insults gettin rather poor and feeble. Just today i called some a tree! A TREE!! I don't know how that offended anyone, but i just pretended i didn't say it and carried on as normal.
I was just wondering if anyone would help me out and give some inspiration and some amazing quotes taken from your lives so i can, once again, be ace putting people back in their place.

I do not wish for any of the insults to be used on just any person who i decide to pick on for no apparent reason but for people who have a problem with moi.
you nabbed my avatar...well the one i wanted to put on but wouldnt upload...hhhhhhhmmmmmmm.....
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Mr White
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#4
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Insults, eh? Learn from the master:

Your parentage must have been a companionship of barnyard proportions!
You sir, are as sharp as a sack of wet mice!
You codswalloping jackanape!
I spit on you! Patooey!
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G4ry
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#5
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I've got a whole book on them

It depends what sort of angle you want go for.
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Custard
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#6
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(Original post by G4ry)
I've got a whole book on them

It depends what sort of angle you want go for.
Witty, dark, ironic, sarcastic and last but by no means least something that they can't come ack to. Just buzz a few on please if you would be so very kind. They have to be better than tree, right?
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boygenious
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(Original post by Mr White)
Insults, eh? Learn from the master:

Your parentage must have been a companionship of barnyard proportions!
You sir, are as sharp as a sack of wet mice!
You codswalloping jackanape!
I spit on you! Patooey!
ahhh the classics. they'll never go out
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Sire
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#8
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*sigh* Another sad case of misdirection. I tell you, if The Way was still in force we could guide you. Anyway, I shall do what I can by myself. The trick to insulting people is not to be flash with a witty comment, though it can be good, but simply to leave a person thinking. If you leave them thinking along the lines of "Holy ****, that guy was right. I really am completely useless at this or that" then you've succeeded. Being ignorant of ones insults is also good. Many a time I've come under a tirade of insults, only to be trying to teach the *******s how to insult someone. Their best efforts appeared to have no effect and one of them was ready to belt me as I began to teach. So... If someone has a go at you, just look them over and say something like "you really are a sad excuse for a man" in a disheartened and slightly disgusted voice. As though their mere presence can make your nostrils twitch. Trust me it works a treat. And you just have to walk off. But it is all in the delivery.
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Perplexed
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(Original post by G4ry)
It depends what sort of angle you want go for.
Pythonesque.

Leaves the victim confused, and the insulter with an air of superiority.
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Mr White
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#10
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(Original post by Custard)
Witty, dark, ironic, sarcastic and last but by no means least something that they can't come ack to. Just buzz a few on please if you would be so very kind. They have to be better than tree, right?
I don't think that this is something you can pre-plan for - any number of situations could arise. You're either funny, or not.
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Sire
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#11
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Oh and whatever you do. Never, ever, under any circumstances revert to the 'yo momma' jokes. They are sad, tired, and utterly useless in the extreme.
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JSM
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#12
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why do you need to insult and as with anything, practice makes perfect, always think up witty rejoiders, even to your teachers, but you dont have to say them
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Mr White
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#13
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(Original post by Sire)
The trick to insulting people is not to be flash with a witty comment...
All good advice. Sometimes, I'll just say, "I would argue with you, but I have better things to do." - not particularly witty, but a good all-round response for when the antagonist is not likely to understand any good witticisms (why waste them?).
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Sire
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#14
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(Original post by Mr White)
All good advice. Sometimes, I'll just say, "I would argue with you, but I have better things to do." - not particularly witty, but a good all-round response for when the antagonist is not likely to understand any good witticisms (why waste them?).
*nods* My version is slightly different. I just exhale/breathe the persons name and say "not now *name*, theres **** to be done" but sometimes add "sometimes I really think you should've been shot into the sheets"
It does seem to work rather well
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Sire
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#15
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(Original post by Mr White)
All good advice. Sometimes, I'll just say, "I would argue with you, but I have better things to do." - not particularly witty, but a good all-round response for when the antagonist is not likely to understand any good witticisms (why waste them?).
Great point on the witticisms too. There is no point wasting a superior mind on the less gifted among us.
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Mr White
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#16
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(Original post by Sire)
Great point on the witticisms too. There is no point wasting a superior mind on the less gifted among us.
True, true. If I'm feeling particularly superior, then I might just say something along the lines of, "You shouldn't speak to your betters unless spoken to first."
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G4ry
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#17
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If you want to insult someone about their extra body mass, "you've got more chins than the hong kong telephone directory" is a good one.

I remember a funny story, Winston Churchill is wandering around the Houses of Parliament and one of his secretaries (i think, it's not important anyway) comes up to him and announces:

"you're drunk!" to which Winston replied.

"and you're ugly, but i'll be sober in the morning"

This can be adjusted for other situations too if you alter a few words.
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Custard
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#18
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(Original post by Mr White)
I don't think that this is something you can pre-plan for - any number of situations could arise. You're either funny, or not.
But i called someone a tree.
Sometimes i just leave the person alone with just a ever lasting comment such as, (it helps if you know the situation in which i live of course but..) You simply look at the person with a hint of utmost disgust on your face and gently turn to your friend and say "Danyel, we are so much better than that" look at the ground she stands on then turn. Oh, the girl in question look so green. It was a classic. Of course she came back with something along the lines of
"shut-up you fat whore"
But you know in the middle of a blazing argument you have to fire out a couple of good insults. Don't you?
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JSM
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#19
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(Original post by Custard)
But i called someone a tree.
Sometimes i just leave the person alone with just a ever lasting comment such as, (it helps if you know the situation in which i live of course but..) You simply look at the person with a hint of utmost disgust on your face and gently turn to your friend and say "Danyel, we are so much better than that" look at the ground she stands on then turn. Oh, the girl in question look so green. It was a classic. Of course she came back with something along the lines of
"shut-up you fat whore"
But you know in the middle of a blazing argument you have to fire out a couple of good insults. Don't you?
no, hit them its more satisfying
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Sire
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(Original post by Mr White)
True, true. If I'm feeling particularly superior, then I might just say something along the lines of, "You shouldn't speak to your betters unless spoken to first."
ah a true master. I hope you're paying attention Custard
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