Open relationships- do they ever really work?! Watch

Anonymous #1
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I broke up recently from a very serious relationship and thrived on my new found singledom when I came to uni. However very quickly I became close to this guy who wanted a relationship.

I told him that I was enjoying being single and he accepted that, however afterwards I realised that I actually quite like him. After making this clear, he suggested an open relationship (mainly for me, but so that he can be in a relationship with me.)

Would this work?! I'm not someone unable to commit I just don't want to have fun, but the fact we have different intentions, could this be problematic?!
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I broke up recently from a very serious relationship and thrived on my new found singledom when I came to uni. However very quickly I became close to this guy who wanted a relationship.

I told him that I was enjoying being single and he accepted that, however afterwards I realised that I actually quite like him. After making this clear, he suggested an open relationship (mainly for me, but so that he can be in a relationship with me.)

Would this work?! I'm not someone unable to commit I just don't want to have fun, but the fact we have different intentions, could this be problematic?!
I'm sort of in the same boat, I wanted it casual but the guy wanted a relationship. We decided to go casual for a while but he was clearly developing stronger feelings(despite claiming he was fine with the laid-back way of things!).

So it kind of fizzled out after I distanced myself...but I met him again recently and we got together again and we're just sort of doing that when we see eachother now. It sounds complicated but actually it's quite straight-forward and I like the casual way things are. I just don't know if it can work when the guy has said he wants a relationship. Surely the more time he spends with you the more he's just going to want that and develop feelings?
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Nuffles
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If he blatantly has feelings for you but you still want to have fun with other people I would see it as kinda irresponsible for you to start a fwb thing. It's not fair on him. By all means start a fwb if both of you genuinely believe that that is what it'll be, but when you actually know that he's only saying fwb so he can be with you, it just makes you a ***** to say yes when you know you'll still hook up with other people.
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Veldrin
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An open relationship is not a relationship at all. Either way it will blow up in your face.
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Neil_K
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I think the title of this thread should be changed to 'Monogamous relationships - do they really work?' or 'Marriage - does it really work?'.

The answer is NO, in both those cases.

As for open relationships, I can say that yes they work far better, since they go with and not against true human nature. See, we humans aren't designed to be monogamous. It's only society that invented to the concept of monogamy to control people....but in our true nature, we are not monogamous beings.

Witness the spectacular failure of monogamy and marriage by looking at life with your eyes wide open....if monogamy and marriage worked, there would be no such thing as break ups, no such thing as cheating, and no such thing as divorce.

So yes....open relationships (i.e. non monogamous relationships) do work. They are the way forward as far as I'm concerned. Society needs to stop buying into this flawed concept of monogamy and instead embrace our REAL nature as human beings.

The idea of being with the same person for life is bull****....not to mention BORING. Who the heck wants to wake up to the same face every morning? I sure as heck don't! Variety is the spice of life, and that includes in dating and relationships!

The best open relationships take the best bits of monogamy (companionship, good sex), without the negative aspects of monogamy (controlling, jealousy, 'ownership' of your partner, arguments, boredom, routine and resentment, loss of freedom).....so when you have an open relationship you can still enjoy your partner just as you would in a monogamous relationship, but also maintain your freedom, dignity and sense of independence that you lose if you enter a monogamous relationship/get married, as well as keep yourself free to date and have sex with anyone else you want without having to feel 'guilty' or worry about 'cheating'.

I can't honestly see why anyone would prefer monogamy over non-monogamy really. If people REALLY stopped to THINK, instead of just going along with society like sheep, they'd see how flawed the concept of monogamy is. They're just 'falsely' locking each other in to something that will one day end anyway, and giving the relationship the 'label' of 'monogamy' so the girl doesn't feel like she's a slut.

The funny thing is, nobody is 'monogamous' with their friends....I mean, you're allowed to have more than one friend without your other friends getting jealous. So equally, you should be able to have as many lovers as you want, without any of your other lovers interfering or getting jealous.

I just can't get my head around monogamy, but each to their own. I'm all for fun, happy enjoyable relationships based on honesty, trust and respect, just as long as they are non-monogamous and not monogamous.
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Threxy
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From what I've seen: Not exactly.

A good friend of mine claims she's having an "open relationship" with her boyfriend, but that's only because she knows he will cheat anyway. She has deluded herself into thinking she has control over it, so while he's screwing other girls she's just left feeling deeply insecure over it. She says she wants the freedom to have sex with any guy she likes too, but the fact is she doesn't because she feels it's wrong.

If you wanna be sleeping around, then don't bother with a relationship at all. Just do it.
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Eloise987
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I'd be offended if someone only wanted to be fwb or in an open relationship.
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Eloise987
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(Original post by Neil_K)
I think the title of this thread should be changed to 'Monogamous relationships - do they really work?' or 'Marriage - does it really work?'.

The answer is NO, in both those cases.

As for open relationships, I can say that yes they work far better, since they go with and not against true human nature. See, we humans aren't designed to be monogamous. It's only society that invented to the concept of monogamy to control people....but in our true nature, we are not monogamous beings.

Witness the spectacular failure of monogamy and marriage by looking at life with your eyes wide open....if monogamy and marriage worked, there would be no such thing as break ups, no such thing as cheating, and no such thing as divorce.

So yes....open relationships (i.e. non monogamous relationships) do work. They are the way forward as far as I'm concerned. Society needs to stop buying into this flawed concept of monogamy and instead embrace our REAL nature as human beings.

The idea of being with the same person for life is bull****....not to mention BORING. Who the heck wants to wake up to the same face every morning? I sure as heck don't! Variety is the spice of life, and that includes in dating and relationships!

The best open relationships take the best bits of monogamy (companionship, good sex), without the negative aspects of monogamy (controlling, jealousy, 'ownership' of your partner, arguments, boredom, routine and resentment, loss of freedom).....so when you have an open relationship you can still enjoy your partner just as you would in a monogamous relationship, but also maintain your freedom, dignity and sense of independence that you lose if you enter a monogamous relationship/get married, as well as keep yourself free to date and have sex with anyone else you want without having to feel 'guilty' or worry about 'cheating'.

I can't honestly see why anyone would prefer monogamy over non-monogamy really. If people REALLY stopped to THINK, instead of just going along with society like sheep, they'd see how flawed the concept of monogamy is. They're just 'falsely' locking each other in to something that will one day end anyway, and giving the relationship the 'label' of 'monogamy' so the girl doesn't feel like she's a slut.

I just can't get my head around monogamy, but each to their own. I'm all for fun, happy enjoyable relationships based on honesty, trust and respect, just as long as they are non-monogamous and not monogamous.


This throws up very difficult questions when it comes to children, home ownership and other various responsibilities of sharing your life with somebody.

If it's with more than one person, how do you suggest that would work? Do you think we should all live in communes?

Things are the way they are for a reason.
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twohanprincess
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If it's not problematic at first, within about six weeks it WILL become problematic. Don't put this nice guy who you genuinely like through feelings of insecurity and general lowliness.
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Neil_K
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(Original post by Eloise987)
This throws up very difficult questions when it comes to children, home ownership and other various responsibilities of sharing your life with somebody.

If it's with more than one person, how do you suggest that would work? Do you think we should all live in communes?
Well, for me, I'm not looking to have monogamous relationships, I'm not looking to get married, I'm not looking to live with a woman, and I'm not looking to have kids. I think a lot of guys go along with that without truly thinking it through first, simply because it is the 'expected societal norm'.

In some cultures, particularly in Europe, men have their wife and come how to their families, but they also have a mistress on the side to satisty their non-monogamous needs. Provided they come home to their wife and kids at night, it's not frowned upon.

The rock star Gene Simmons makes his non-monogamous/open relationship work with his partner Shannon Tweed. They have been 'happily unmarried' for almost 30 years, they live together and have 2 kids (both of whom have been brought up to be decent, well-mannered people).....yet Gene has also slept with around 5,000 women. I think their relationship is an amazing example. Instead of DENYING a man's non-monogamous nature and trying to fight it, why not just ACKNOWLEDGE it and not fight it? Their relationship is a good solution to the fact that humans are, by nature, NON MONOGAMOUS.

People could easily find workable solutions to this. They could live together and bring up kids, but still be free to sleep with other people, should they wish to do so.

Of course, if people can make monogamy work for them and it makes them happy, then good luck to them and power to them.

(Original post by Eloise987)
Things are the way they are for a reason.
You do know that monogamy is a concept created thousands of years ago by religion, right? Monogamy was created as a means to control society; religion brainwashed people into believing it was wrong to be 'non monogamous' and that you'd 'go to hell' if you go against monogamy. Yet, BY NATURE we humans are non-monogamous. Go figure. Trying to deny our true nature as humans is disastrous. May as well be honest with ourselves about out true nature.

Do your research and you'll see this is true.
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Manclad
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I broke up recently from a very serious relationship and thrived on my new found singledom when I came to uni. However very quickly I became close to this guy who wanted a relationship.

I told him that I was enjoying being single and he accepted that, however afterwards I realised that I actually quite like him. After making this clear, he suggested an open relationship (mainly for me, but so that he can be in a relationship with me.)

Would this work?! I'm not someone unable to commit I just don't want to have fun, but the fact we have different intentions, could this be problematic?!
No never... Jealousy kills it... I tried thrice and I think that makes a fool of me enough!
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Eloise987
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(Original post by Neil_K)
Well, for me, I'm not looking to have monogamous relationships, I'm not looking to get married, I'm not looking to live with a woman, and I'm not looking to have kids. I think a lot of guys go along with that without truly thinking it through first, simply because it is the 'expected societal norm'.

In some cultures, particularly in Europe, men have their wife and come how to their families, but they also have a mistress on the side to satisty their non-monogamous needs. Provided they come home to their wife and kids at night, it's not frowned upon.

The rock star Gene Simmons makes his non-monogamous/open relationship work with his partner Shannon Tweed. They have been 'happily unmarried' for almost 30 years, they live together and have 2 kids (both of whom have been brought up to be decent, well-mannered people).....yet Gene has also slept with around 5,000 women. I think their relationship is an amazing example. Instead of DENYING a man's non-monogamous nature and trying to fight it, why not just ACKNOWLEDGE it and not fight it? Their relationship is a good solution to the fact that humans are, by nature, NON MONOGAMOUS.

People could easily find workable solutions to this. They could live together and bring up kids, but still be free to sleep with other people, should they wish to do so.

Of course, if people can make monogamy work for them and it makes them happy, then good luck to them and power to them.



You do know that monogamy is a concept created thousands of years ago by religion, right? Monogamy was created as a means to control society; religion brainwashed people into believing it was wrong to be 'non monogamous' and that you'd 'go to hell' if you go against monogamy. Yet, BY NATURE we humans are non-monogamous. Go figure. Trying to deny our true nature as humans is disastrous. May as well be honest with ourselves about out true nature.

Do your research and you'll see this is true.


How come that's one of the the few things that's stuck then? We've disregarded a lot of what the bible says, but monogamy seems to have caught on pretty well.
Additionally, religion is about rules, and without rules society would be totally chaotic. If everyone just did whatever they wanted all the time nothing would get done. Life is about sacrifices, rather than fulfilling your own selfish needs. It's when people start to think about themselves above others, or perhaps they feel that their significant others don't care about them, that they'll look elsewhere.

And I think choosing a famous person as an example is fairly weak, as the perks of being married to Gene Simmons probably make it easier to overlook his extra-marital affairs. Whereas doing Bob the binman's washing while he's off shagging the bird from down the road, finishing up just in time to come home to his dinner doesn't have quite the same ring to it...
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Eloise987
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(Original post by Neil_K)
Well, for me, I'm not looking to have monogamous relationships, I'm not looking to get married, I'm not looking to live with a woman, and I'm not looking to have kids. I think a lot of guys go along with that without truly thinking it through first, simply because it is the 'expected societal norm'.

In some cultures, particularly in Europe, men have their wife and come how to their families, but they also have a mistress on the side to satisty their non-monogamous needs. Provided they come home to their wife and kids at night, it's not frowned upon.

The rock star Gene Simmons makes his non-monogamous/open relationship work with his partner Shannon Tweed. They have been 'happily unmarried' for almost 30 years, they live together and have 2 kids (both of whom have been brought up to be decent, well-mannered people).....yet Gene has also slept with around 5,000 women. I think their relationship is an amazing example. Instead of DENYING a man's non-monogamous nature and trying to fight it, why not just ACKNOWLEDGE it and not fight it? Their relationship is a good solution to the fact that humans are, by nature, NON MONOGAMOUS.

People could easily find workable solutions to this. They could live together and bring up kids, but still be free to sleep with other people, should they wish to do so.

Of course, if people can make monogamy work for them and it makes them happy, then good luck to them and power to them.



You do know that monogamy is a concept created thousands of years ago by religion, right? Monogamy was created as a means to control society; religion brainwashed people into believing it was wrong to be 'non monogamous' and that you'd 'go to hell' if you go against monogamy. Yet, BY NATURE we humans are non-monogamous. Go figure. Trying to deny our true nature as humans is disastrous. May as well be honest with ourselves about out true nature.

Do your research and you'll see this is true.
And you say you're not looking to have kids but surely that, along with finding food, is the ultimate in human NATURE? That was the original purpose of men sleeping around. So by your reasoning, the fact you don't want kids would suggest you shouldn't really be having sex at all, let alone with multiple women.
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overtherainbow
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(Original post by Neil_K)
You do know that monogamy is a concept created thousands of years ago by religion, right? Monogamy was created as a means to control society; religion brainwashed people into believing it was wrong to be 'non monogamous' and that you'd 'go to hell' if you go against monogamy. Yet, BY NATURE we humans are non-monogamous. Go figure. Trying to deny our true nature as humans is disastrous. May as well be honest with ourselves about out true nature.

Do your research and you'll see this is true.
more likely it was a good way to control the spread of stis when they were untreatable. this is why men with multiple wives is a massive issue for aids spread in africa. they use a condom with the new wife for a few months, then stop but as they have other multiple wives, it is spread very easily (no source but this was explained when i visited africa by non religious volunteers)

also who says monogamy is a human concept? many animals use it e.g. penguins.

and out of interest have you ever been properly in love?
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Neil_K
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(Original post by Eloise987)
And you say you're not looking to have kids but surely that, along with finding food, is the ultimate in human instincts? That was the original purpose of men sleeping around. So by your reasoning, the fact you don't want kids would suggest you shouldn't really be having sex at all.
Sex isn't just for procreation, you know. It's for pleasure too http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/imag...es/biggrin.gif

Perhaps back in 'those days', the world NEEDED populating, people NEEDED to breed. Not so much now, given the over-crowded world we live in. But given the stress of modern life, people wouldn't be arguing, fighting or killing each other so much if they simply had more sex!

To each their own....if people want kids, then good luck to them. The world is already over-populated as it is, though, and people should THINK before having kids and consider the impact their choices will make on the world around them.
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Neil_K
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(Original post by overtherainbow)
more likely it was a good way to control the spread of stis when they were untreatable. this is why men with multiple wives is a massive issue for aids spread in africa. they use a condom with the new wife for a few months, then stop but as they have other multiple wives, it is spread very easily (no source but this was explained when i visited africa by non religious volunteers)
I don't know if stis very around back then. Certainly, AIDS only become widespread in the 1980s. Before that, sex was safe (hence the 'sexual revolution', 'free love' and all that in the 1960s and 1970s).

The idea of monogamy came in when the concept of 'ownership' of property came in thousands of years ago - men wanted to apply the same concept to their women. Back them, harems of women were 'the norm' too. I've done a lot of research into this, and it's a deep subject to say the least, far more than I could go into here!

People should be responsible and take precautions when having multiple partners, of course. It's irresponsible not to be safe when we live in a society where stis are running rampant.

(Original post by overtherainbow)
also who says monogamy is a human concept? many animals use it e.g. penguins.
As humans, we ARE animals. We may be intelligent and be able to appreciate abstract things such as art and music, and we may have constructed a modern and advanced society etc....but at the core we are fundamentally still animals.

(Original post by overtherainbow)
and out of interest have you ever been properly in love?
I've been in long-term monogamous relationships in the past, yes. I thought I was 'in love' at the time, but then again doesn't everybody think that when they are young and their body is flooded full of 'in love' chemicals?

I'm not the type who falls 'in love' easily at all, not these days anyway. I'm very happy with non-monogamous relationships, based on honesty, trust and respect, good companionship and good sex at this stage in my life. It's not because I've been hurt or anything, it's that non-monogamous relationships suit my life better. I like my own freedom, space and independence, and right now I couldn't go back to the limited framework of a monogamous relationship.

I could happily fall 'in love' with a girl if I meet the right one, as long as she's cool about me seeing other girls, no marriage, no kids, and no living together full-time, and doesn't expect me to drop everything or give up my goals/dreams in order to be with her.

Ultimately, I think for monogamy to work, both partners have to WANT to be monogamous. If I ever meet a girl who I like so much that I have no desire to be with anyone else, and she was to feel the same way about me, then we'd sort of naturally be monogamous. And I'd honestly love that, IF it were to be possible. Until that point, non-monogamy suits me just fine. And to tell you the truth, I'm very happy being single for periods of time too. I think it's important to be happy and comfortable in your own skin and be happy whether you're single or in a relationship....otherwise you will just become really needy when you get into a relationship.

So yeah, I do believe in love and I think there is more to life than meaningless, random, sexual encounters (though those are fun). I also think that you can be in love even if you have a non-monogamous relationship....you don't need to be in a monogamous relationship to be truly in love.

The more I think about this subject, the more I think that men are torn in two directions....one direction is the desire to bang as many girls as possible, the other is the desire to be loved. I guess a non-monogamous relationship is a way to have BOTH these needs met. I certainly feel this way....I like and enjoy meeting different girls and could never be with just one right now, but I also really enjoy getting to know a girl too and it being more than just a meaningless encounter where we don't make any connection - there's something quite fulfilling in the soul when you make an impression on a girl on a personality as well as sexual level.

One last thing I'll say about non-monogamous/open relationships is BE HONEST right from the start when you meet someone that this is what you're looking for, so nobody gets mislead, nobody gets hurt and nobody gets the wrong idea and thinks you wanted a monogamous relationship when you didn't. Better to be upfront and honest and give them the choice as to whether they want this type of relationship or not, and be respectful if they're not interested.

Or a guy could simply 'sow his oats' until he is bored of it, and settle down in a monogamous relationship then. Whatever suits them really.

Ultimately, what I like is PEACEFUL relationships. I don't like stress, drama, negativity, arguments, jealousy and all that....I just want it to be a positive and happy experience for both myself and the girl, and that includes both IN the bedroom as well as OUTSIDE the bedroom.
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Neil_K
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(Original post by Eloise987)
How come that's one of the the few things that's stuck then?
Brainwashing and peoples' lack of ability to think for themselves. I reposted an interesting post on this subject a week or so back about how to become a free-thinking human being (not my post, but saw it on a site I frequent)..... http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show....php?t=1540549

(Original post by Eloise987)
We've disregarded a lot of what the bible says, but monogamy seems to have caught on pretty well.
We all know deep down it's wrong to lie, steal, kill, etc. Our conscience tells us that.

Monogamy is a MAN-MADE concept, as is religion. In fact, if you go back through the old testament of the Bible, non-monogamy was the norm. What about all the men in the old testament who had multiple wives?

Whether you take the Bible as truth or not is entirely up to you to decide.

(Original post by Eloise987)
Additionally, religion is about rules
Religion is someone trying to impose THEIR set of rules and perspective on everybody else about how to live their lives. That's why I don't agree with the concept of organised religion. (I do actually believe in God though....but religion and God are 2 separate things. Religion is a MAN-MADE entity. A deep subject, and probably best left for another time and place and not on this thread). I believe God gave us the reasoning and free-will to think for ourselves about how best to live our lives for our own happiness, and not just blindly follow a set of rules someone else created and named it as their 'religion'.

(Original post by Eloise987)
without rules society would be totally chaotic. If everyone just did whatever they wanted all the time nothing would get done. Life is about sacrifices, rather than fulfilling your own selfish needs. It's when people start to think about themselves above others, or perhaps they feel that their significant others don't care about them, that they'll look elsewhere.
It's not that I believe society should have no rules. Rules and laws that protect humans from other human beings', such as being punished if you kill, steal etc SHOULD be there. I agree with that.

It's just that I believe people should think for themselves rather than allowing 'societal norms' to dictate their choices. For example, people go along with what the media and society tell them, instead of deciding for themselves what is best for them, e.g. what music to listen to, what type of haircut to have, what type of clothes to wear, etc. Equally, there are no laws that say one MUST be monogamous. Again, read that post I linked to above, it'll clear up everything you need to know!

I believe that in life you should do whatever you want, as long as you don't hurt anybody else.

The ONLY thing that matters in life is that you are happy. End of. Do whatever it takes for your own happiness and inner fulfillment....just, don't break any laws and don't hurt anyone else in the process and you're fine.

(Original post by Eloise987)
And I think choosing a famous person as an example is fairly weak, as the perks of being married to Gene Simmons probably make it easier to overlook his extra-marital affairs. Whereas doing Bob the binman's washing while he's off shagging the bird from down the road, finishing up just in time to come home to his dinner doesn't have quite the same ring to it...
What about David X from www.davidxdating.com? He's slept with over 500 women, and had harems of women for years, and was never ever rich or famous.

Gene's financial and career success no doubt help his cause....but it's still possible for a guy who is not rich or famous to have successful non-monogamous relationships, should he wish to do so. Or if he is happy and content with monogamy, that's fine too.

I'm not actually against monogamy....I think if 2 people have thought things through and GENUINELY want to be with each other and not with anyone else, then great. But BLINDLY going into a monogamous relationship because it's the 'norm' and without considering whether monogamy really does suit you is just daft.
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jonski
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I think open relationships are great, you can hang out and get to know someone without any commitment which makes it easier to be honest and get to know the true person, then you can just see how it goes, sometimes it can develop into a full relationship, other times they just fizzle out and you go your separate ways without having lost out. Just make sure your honest and communicate with each other as thats where the problems can start
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overtherainbow
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(Original post by Neil_K)
I don't know if stis very around back then. Certainly, AIDS only become widespread in the 1980s. Before that, sex was safe (hence the 'sexual revolution', 'free love' and all that in the 1960s and 1970s).

The idea of monogamy came in when the concept of 'ownership' of property came in thousands of years ago - men wanted to apply the same concept to their women. Back them, harems of women were 'the norm' too. I've done a lot of research into this, and it's a deep subject to say the least, far more than I could go into here!

People should be responsible and take precautions when having multiple partners, of course. It's irresponsible not to be safe when we live in a society where stis are running rampant.
yes stis existed then, syphilus, gohonrrea (sp?) and various other things were common and deadly, henry VIII had syphilus at least. they were only controllable by antibiotics, discovered around the time of WW2- otherwise they killed you, slowly. Sex was not safe but the known stis were treatable at the time of the sexual revolution. remember back then (when the church put forward the idea of monogamy) condoms didnt exactly exist in a great form (reusable sheep intestine was used from the middle ages- not that trustworthy) so the idea of 2 virgins coming together and staying faithful was put forward by the church to stop people dying of these nasty diseases. in terms of the harems, i assume all the women would be virgins so, in theory, would be safe to bring in.
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emerset
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The answer is an obvious shade of grey. Do try it out. Not only do I support the modern attempt at a mix between human attraction and a personal life (not aiming at the evolutionary matrimonial inevitability), but also, well I always tell myself "if you haven't regretted you haven't lived" and that always helps me make bad decisions.
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