I'm in emotional pain. I can't make it work with any girl I really respect or want. Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 8 years ago
#1
I think i've just messed up with a girl. I know you can come across as either too aloof, too desparate, like you see her as one of many options(bad, and untrue) or like you see her as 'the one'(possibly also very offputting and too intense)

I don't want to repress feelings, whats wrong with feeling intense stuff, I see someone a bit and want more, I feel things strongyl and gut level. I don't want just anything confortable, I want to at least be in love or experience something intense. I have done now, this girl is great, but I think I've screwed up. I handled it all wrong and hence continued my bad recordw ith women. I didn't mind in the past, but no I've met someone who makes me feel this way and I'm 30. I feel like such a tit, like she thinks that of me.
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OceanSoul
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#2
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A bit more info on your relationship with this girl would do.
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Ian.
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#3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I think i've just messed up with a girl. I know you can come across as either too aloof, too desparate, like you see her as one of many options(bad, and u ...
... me feel this way and I'm 30. I feel like such a tit, like she thinks that of me.
I agree with ocean. Give us a little more info?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by OceanSoul)
A bit more info on your relationship with this girl would do.
To begin, I think it may have to do with some of my problems with all women, which is either being too intense and keen or alternatively to totally aloof and cold.

Anyway, this is what happened;

Met a girl out one night, yes only brief. She was very striking not pretty as such, just had a real presence and I was compelled by her. Looked in her direction and for I think maybe the one time in my life(twenties at least), would you believe it, she comes over to me at the queue for bar. We talk, and it just feels good. Not a connection like I've had with a girl for....just about forever. She's open, attractive, and seems to like me. She introduces herself we shake hands and she goes offf to chat to the people she went there with. I must have been too absent minded to offer her a drink at the time. Then I see her again a few weeks after. She's beautiful, again. I approach at the bar and am a bit tounge tied, but tell her I recognise her, think she maybe remembers. I don't say much,w e both order, then I say cheers or whatever. She goes back to her colleageus, or people she went with. Then she tries to engage me when I walk around the other bar, she's with a guy, Iscrew it up, cos he's there, dunno what to say to him, dunno him from adam, and think he'll get in the way or know I fancy her. (He wasn't really attractive, so I didn't feel threatened that way) I got shy and just went off. So m any times I've done stuff like this without thinking, thinking I may as well avoid anything that doesnt get me to my goal, but I shoot myself in the foot and stop myself getting there. That was her engaging me, twice, and I'm tounge tied both times. She leaves before the others a bit later and we exchange a smile and goodbye. I've seen her around since, she's incredible looking, and tough and beautiful and mysterious looking, I get heartbeats fast and everything near her. That feeling I've always wanted. I see her shopping, she sort of sidles up to me and may be gamcning at me friendly, but I'm so nervous I **** up. I don't engage her, not sure if it's too long, but she did recall me. I wouldn;t get those nerves if she had no effect on me. I walk out feeling this incredible melancholy.(which hits me when I see her at later days) Right after that I get hit by the urgency of life, and the stength of my feelings and , recalling her name, as you would when you have a good chat with someone, and they tell you it, I look herup, not via facebook, but a network site, and I get in touch, but this, althoug just after seeing her in the shop, is a good few months later, I'm talking virtually 6.
Now, you may say thats weird, but I'm notr an any girl type of guy.
Womwne always confude me, saying they want to be made to feel special and not just a viable option or for when someone is desperate but if you are really into just them that can creep them out. or be too intense. They seem to reasd things differently. Talking to my female friend on the net I ask advice. She inteprets it from a feamle perspective. She says my contacted her a good later(than we last talked rather than when I last saw her) may look bad, like desperation and just dredging her up as an option. I did try extra hard to sound casual and maybe this gave a bad impression, cos the reality is the opposite, this girl really has something, and it's not like all the signals had been negative, I mean how many times do girls approach a guy themselves and not wait? She can't be insecure or thinking I dont fancy her if she has that confidence. She smiled and was warm the other times, in the pub then in the shop where I was nervous and didn't know what to do. i feel like such a cretin. I now wish I had been prepared and hadn't spent the last however many years with my head up my arse and not learning stuff like this. I should have got in touch at the time but I suppose I just thought I'll see her down the pub at radnom, silly big gamble, and now my one female friend thinks the late contact may have created a bad impression. I don't know whether it came over overly casual and like i was just dredging her up, or like iot was too stalkerish, but I had to act on my feelings. I wish I'd put it differently now.
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Anonymous #1
#5
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And she didn't reply, I should add. Must have come over bad, either casual(which was a cover up), stalkerish, or I dunno. I'm not bothered about the past much, but I have had initial approches ro chats work but am not good at sustaining things, may be relevant.
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Anonymous #1
#6
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I have moments of shyness, or just unthinking social avoidance which I havent' addreseed. It's conditioned into me from a trouibled past of thinking relationships wouldn't work. Because I'm pretty confident in many situations socially, I just assume I'm not shy and don't deal with the moments when I am.
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Sereni
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#7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
And she didn't reply, I should add. Must have come over bad, either casual(which was a cover up), stalkerish, or I dunno. I'm not bothered about the past much, but I have had initial approches ro chats work but am not good at sustaining things, may be relevant.
TBH she probs doesnt really know who you are. I don't like to be mean but sometimes you have to look closer to home, and what you have described IS stalkerey
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OceanSoul
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#8
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(Original post by Anonymous)
To begin, I think it may have to do with some of my problems with all women, which is either being too intense and keen or alternatively to totally aloof and cold.

Anyway, this is what happened;

Met a girl out one night, yes only brief. She was very striking not pretty as such, just had a real presence and I was compelled by her. Looked in her direction and for I think maybe the one time in my life(twenties at least), would you believe it, she comes over to me at the queue for bar. We talk, and it just feels good. Not a connection like I've had with a girl for....just about forever. She's open, attractive, and seems to like me. She introduces herself we shake hands and she goes offf to chat to the people she went there with. I must have been too absent minded to offer her a drink at the time. Then I see her again a few weeks after. She's beautiful, again. I approach at the bar and am a bit tounge tied, but tell her I recognise her, think she maybe remembers. I don't say much,w e both order, then I say cheers or whatever. She goes back to her colleageus, or people she went with. Then she tries to engage me when I walk around the other bar, she's with a guy, Iscrew it up, cos he's there, dunno what to say to him, dunno him from adam, and think he'll get in the way or know I fancy her. (He wasn't really attractive, so I didn't feel threatened that way) I got shy and just went off. So m any times I've done stuff like this without thinking, thinking I may as well avoid anything that doesnt get me to my goal, but I shoot myself in the foot and stop myself getting there. That was her engaging me, twice, and I'm tounge tied both times. She leaves before the others a bit later and we exchange a smile and goodbye. I've seen her around since, she's incredible looking, and tough and beautiful and mysterious looking, I get heartbeats fast and everything near her. That feeling I've always wanted. I see her shopping, she sort of sidles up to me and may be gamcning at me friendly, but I'm so nervous I **** up. I don't engage her, not sure if it's too long, but she did recall me. I wouldn;t get those nerves if she had no effect on me. I walk out feeling this incredible melancholy.(which hits me when I see her at later days) Right after that I get hit by the urgency of life, and the stength of my feelings and , recalling her name, as you would when you have a good chat with someone, and they tell you it, I look herup, not via facebook, but a network site, and I get in touch, but this, althoug just after seeing her in the shop, is a good few months later, I'm talking virtually 6.
Now, you may say thats weird, but I'm notr an any girl type of guy.
Womwne always confude me, saying they want to be made to feel special and not just a viable option or for when someone is desperate but if you are really into just them that can creep them out. or be too intense. They seem to reasd things differently. Talking to my female friend on the net I ask advice. She inteprets it from a feamle perspective. She says my contacted her a good later(than we last talked rather than when I last saw her) may look bad, like desperation and just dredging her up as an option. I did try extra hard to sound casual and maybe this gave a bad impression, cos the reality is the opposite, this girl really has something, and it's not like all the signals had been negative, I mean how many times do girls approach a guy themselves and not wait? She can't be insecure or thinking I dont fancy her if she has that confidence. She smiled and was warm the other times, in the pub then in the shop where I was nervous and didn't know what to do. i feel like such a cretin. I now wish I had been prepared and hadn't spent the last however many years with my head up my arse and not learning stuff like this. I should have got in touch at the time but I suppose I just thought I'll see her down the pub at radnom, silly big gamble, and now my one female friend thinks the late contact may have created a bad impression. I don't know whether it came over overly casual and like i was just dredging her up, or like iot was too stalkerish, but I had to act on my feelings. I wish I'd put it differently now.
Okay.. (From what I gathered): You already realise it's not very common for a girl to go up to a guy first (at least from what I know as well, that's the case). So she definitely thought you were attractive in one way or another. But you know what, I think you sound too worried that it might all be 'too late' for you to get to know her more and that you created a bad impression but really, I don't think it is. I also don't get how waiting a bit before contacting her makes it seem like you're desperate or stalkerish? Your main issue is that you over think your actions and think very negatively. You're lucky you actually get to see her every now and then; and before it is too late, talk to her. Don't plan on what you will say, just talk to her. Talking comes naturally! Hey, how are you doing, where do you work, where are you from, etc etc. then it goes with the flow. If she's a talkative, open person, and if she's interested in getting to know it, it should be really easy to click with her. Don't act cold thinking she might feel that you're too desperate if you act nice (?) and don't forget to offer a drink and before you finish up your conversation, suggest meeting up at a convenient date.

Edit: Ah, she didn't answer? Maybe she didn't know it's you and how long has it been since you wrote to her? Did you get to see her after writing her?
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Anonymous #1
#9
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(Original post by Sereni)
TBH she probs doesnt really know who you are. I don't like to be mean but sometimes you have to look closer to home, and what you have described IS stalkerey
She does know. But maybe she doesn't like, if I've performed my magic trick of turning initial good impressions into bad ones, the opposite of what many people can do.
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Anonymous #1
#10
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(Original post by OceanSoul)
Okay.. (From what I gathered): You already realise it's not very common for a girl to go up to a guy first (at least from what I know as well, that's the case). So she definitely thought you were attractive in one way or another. But you know what, I think you sound too worried that it might all be 'too late' for you to get to know her more and that you created a bad impression but really, I don't think it is. I also don't get how waiting a bit before contacting her makes it seem like you're desperate or stalkerish? Your main issue is that you over think your actions and think very negatively. You're lucky you actually get to see her every now and then; and before it is too late, talk to her. Don't plan on what you will say, just talk to her. Talking comes naturally! Hey, how are you doing, where do you work, where are you from, etc etc. then it goes with the flow. If she's a talkative, open person, and if she's interested in getting to know it, it should be really easy to click with her. Don't act cold thinking she might feel that you're too desperate if you act nice (?) and don't forget to offer a drink and before you finish up your conversation, suggest meeting up at a convenient date.

Edit: Ah, she didn't answer? Maybe she didn't know it's you and how long has it been since you wrote to her? Did you get to see her after writing her?
Thankyou for a considered response. She told me where she works ,name where shes from. And we talked about more. Thats how i got in touch. I don't know about desperate or stalkerish, but the girl friend I talked to said it could seem like, because i'd contacted after a while, i'd contacted her because i'd run out of other options.(Nothing could be more wrong, thought we'd meet did once months later but messed up, had her in my mind,) And i was casually seeing if she was about. I phrased it self-consciously casually to cover up that she is special. So maybe that's possible. I just told her that we had met on two very specific dates coincidentally, so it stuck in my head. (maybe that was the wrong reason to say it had)I said I hoped it wasn't intrusive. I don't know what she thought of it. I thought I had to risk it, what if I don't see her. My feamle friend thinks she might not think i'm into her, or just that ,like i say, I'm having a go because i lack options now. I want to convey this is not the case, but if i convey i'm too into her it might be too intense and scare her too soon, given we haven't talked much. It's soo weird because when I clammed up in the supermarket, (the day i got so down about it and mailed her after) she sidled up and looked at me friendly, I had a chance. Now i send t his email, and suddenyl the lack of response feels like thats it. I walked into a pub t'othwer day, she's there with colleagues or whatever , makes me nervous and she sees me..Then the look is angry, or maybe just apprehensive or surprised. I know some people are cynical and just said be practical have a relationhsip with the girl in the office or go and join a club and meet one there. But it's not just cold convienience, it's feelings.
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Anonymous #1
#11
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Oh, if I didn;t answer, yes I saw her in supermarket other day, she looks stunning and different each time. Saw her in pub(above) after it too.


I know by the feelings i had talking to her, and how gutted i was when i got nervous and didn't, that...i feel something.
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Anonymous #1
#12
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Oh just a few dates. Talked v briefly last for second time, about april. Mailed her nov.
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OceanSoul
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#13
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thankyou for a considered response. She told me where she works ,name where shes from. And we talked about more. Thats how i got in touch. I don't know about desperate or stalkerish, but the girl friend I talked to said it could seem like, because i'd contacted after a while, i'd contacted her because i'd run out of other options.(Nothing could be more wrong, thought we'd meet did once months later but messed up, had her in my mind,) And i was casually seeing if she was about. I phrased it self-consciously casually to cover up that she is special. So maybe that's possible. I just told her that we had met on two very specific dates coincidentally, so it stuck in my head. (maybe that was the wrong reason to say it had)I said I hoped it wasn't intrusive. I don't know what she thought of it. I thought I had to risk it, what if I don't see her. My feamle friend thinks she might not think i'm into her, or just that ,like i say, I'm having a go because i lack options now. I want to convey this is not the case, but if i convey i'm too into her it might be too intense and scare her too soon, given we haven't talked much. It's soo weird because when I clammed up in the supermarket, (the day i got so down about it and mailed her after) she sidled up and looked at me friendly, I had a chance. Now i send t his email, and suddenyl the lack of response feels like thats it. I walked into a pub t'othwer day, she's there with colleagues or whatever , makes me nervous and she sees me..Then the look is angry, or maybe just apprehensive or surprised. I know some people are cynical and just said be practical have a relationhsip with the girl in the office or go and join a club and meet one there. But it's not just cold convienience, it's feelings.
I understand your point. That's what I also told you anyway, that you shouldn't try to act cold (or too casual) in case she feels like you're desperate but you're also scared she might think you're just trying to get with her for the heck of it if you're too nice - but she came up to you herself in the first place! Did you get to say hi the last time you saw her at the pub? Don't miss the chance of talking to her next time you see her, even if she gives you a strange look. She won't eat you PM me if you like, I'm going off now. I won't reveal your identity if you PM me. Promise.
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Anonymous #1
#14
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Anyone else, insights welcome.
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Anonymous #1
#15
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#15
I have to post. I never felt lower. Nothing goes right ever. No-one gives **** about me, apart from if it's to patronise me. Women don't even have the decency to reject me, they just ignore with utter indifference, like I'm less than human. I'm sick of it.
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Anonymous #1
#16
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#16
This latest pain has crystallised it. Yes, I still have some emotion left in me,bizarrely, a girl approaches me and then doesn't give a ****. Well don't send me any signal, evcen if it is minor and tiny, just more painful.
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Anonymous #1
#17
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#17
Why can't anyone reply?
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prescilla
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#18
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You emailed her? I don't personally check all my email accounts that often because I rarely send emails. So maybe she doesn't ignore you, she just hasn't checked her email. I have to say that you seem really intense, you remind me of my ex. First he was overly excited and then suddenly he started to wallow in selfpity. And I can tell that most people can see from the text you write if you are overly excited or wallowing in selfpity (it looks desperate and creepy). I get really scared if someone who I barely know acts like I mean everything to them. That was the biggest reason why our relationship didn't work. It was either hell or heaven and many girls don't like when you seems too keen or just clingy. I would advise you to calm down and not to overanalyse everything.
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Bboy_Xtreme
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#19
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my advice is to give her some of the sweet talk and then grope her ass if the vibe is going well (they love it really). thats what i did to the missus when she found out that i got two other birds preggers and before you knew it she was sucking me off after half an hour.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by prescilla)
You emailed her? I don't personally check all my email accounts that often because I rarely send emails. So maybe she doesn't ignore you, she just hasn't checked her email. I have to say that you seem really intense, you remind me of my ex. First he was overly excited and then suddenly he started to wallow in selfpity. And I can tell that most people can see from the text you write if you are overly excited or wallowing in selfpity (it looks desperate and creepy). I get really scared if someone who I barely know acts like I mean everything to them. That was the biggest reason why our relationship didn't work. It was either hell or heaven and many girls don't like when you seems too keen or just clingy. I would advise you to calm down and not to overanalyse everything.
You're right. I'm just totally ****ed up. There's no real reason for me to be this way. But it seems to have happened. I haven;t got a clear head these days.
I'm a shadow of what I should me, there's more in this story too. Everything's gone wrong, I have been threatned and things are so sinister sometimes, I try and maintain normality inside me but I am heartbroken increaingly and suicide is looking more and more viable. I can sense what a shadow of what I should be I am. It's really bad, so hard to explain but luck wise and mood wise and mental illness and relationship failure. I am ashamed. I wish I could have been a better son to my parents. No-one in my whole extended family has ended up like this, they are successful and good relationships etc. I feel doomed.
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