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I'm finding it difficult to respect my dad watch

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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Anon or delete

    My dad recently applied for a management position at his current workplace and this evening he had the cheek to ask me to do his online psychometric tests for him. I refused.

    I've recently been offered a job at a global firm and was required to do the usual SHL psychometric tests which I obviously passed for that specific role.

    I really resent the fact that he's coming to ask me to cheat for him, I have too many issues with my dad, I do not even know where to start.

    Background:

    1. My parents placed my two brothers at private schools, my sister and I were sent to badly performing govt schools.

    2. I have speech dyspraxia and when I was young my aunt raised concerns that I need a speech therapist but my parents chose to ignore her, today I struggle really badly with my speech. I am hoping to pay for some sort of speech or elocution lessons in the near future.

    3. When I started my driving lessons, he didn't give me a penny towards my lessons nor did he buy me a car and yet he bought my brothers cars, took them driving and their driving tests were a walk in the park. I paid over 2k for driving lessons and tests, with 5 failed tests.

    4. He's always treated me as if I'm stupid and yet he only got a 2.2 at his polytechnic university. I managed to get a 2.1 at a decent university.

    5. When I was at uni, I supported myself through-out. All he paid was the fees. Unfortunately for me, my parents combined income at that time was 60k and I was assessed not to need much financial support. The problem is that I wasn't supported in any way by my parents. All they did was pay the fees which wasn't even much at that time, I never got anything else, I just had to survive on a small loan and part-time work. My dad chose to waste all his money on ventures that have come to nothing. All his money has been thrown into a bottomless pit over the last five years.

    6. I did a post-grad, I paid all my fees and received no help what so ever from my parents. When it came to the graduation day, I needed to get tickets for the guests. I asked my dad if he could pay for his and my mums tickets and he claimed not to have money. It was a big fat lie, only moments later he blew about £200 on some equipment for my grand-dad which has now gone to waste. Anyway, I ended up not having them at my graduation for my masters.

    There are so many things, the list is endless and thinking about it just annoys me. A few years back he made some comment as some sort of emotional blackmail, saying that he knows which of his children will look after them when they are older. He was trying to imply that my brother will look after them or whatever. The funny thing is that today my brother is suffering from alcohol dependency, he's reckless, he's had 7 car accidents in the last 10 years and in only one of them being his own car and he was let go from his first graduate job at an accountancy firm, I think they had had enough of him.

    Anyway, I could go on. I need to rant.

    I don't know what to do about the future, whenever I think about these things, I'm just frustrated but I can't choose my family . My dad has never shown any respect for me and I struggle to have any respect for him.

    I'm an honest person, I feel ashamed that a person I call my dad is asking me to cheat for him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    All he paid was the fees.
    Daymmm, that's ALL he did? Sounds like a right jackass to me :P
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    There's worse dads, trust.
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    **** i feel for you, you seem determined to better yourself though...
    you're really trying to make something of your life ... so good luck!
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    don't pay for his care home, that's about all you can do to financially hurt him without hurting yourself. I mean, you could be a bum and make sure everyone knows he's your dad when in public, but that wouldn't be good for you. I suppose you could pretend to be a bum?
    • #2
    #2

    Not trying to sound rude OP, but there are MUCH worse fathers out there. At least he's not physically or emotionally abusive towards you .
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    (Original post by Anonymous)

    I'm an honest person, I feel ashamed that a person I call my dad is asking me to cheat for him.
    Sounds pretty harsh but maybe thats made you stronger and more determined. I would say try and do well at your job and move out when you can and then one day ask him why he did all of these things such as not support you but wait until you have moved out just incase

    Edit: Why was i negged for this :confused:
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    All parents are fallible, some more so than others. While I'd actually want to hear his version of this story, believe it or not (you're fallible too), I'd say that the main problem here is that you still live with him. If you're earning, or can otherwise afford it, take yourself somewhere else as soon as you can. Whatever happens, the pair of you need to stop adding to this list of mutual grudges - and to do that you'll need some distance. Then take it from there.
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    Is your mum around? What does she think?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Zax)
    All parents are fallible, some more so than others. While I'd actually want to hear his version of this story, believe it or not (you're fallible too), I'd say that the main problem here is that you still live with him. If you're earning, or can otherwise afford it, take yourself somewhere else as soon as you can. Whatever happens, the pair of you need to stop adding to this list of mutual grudges - and to do that you'll need some distance. Then take it from there.
    I actually moved out of home two years ago. I go there to visit occasionally as they are still my family. The reason I was at home yesterday is because I was dropping off my mum after she had asked me to take her somewhere.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by insignificant)
    Is your mum around? What does she think?
    My mum is around, unfortunately she's not very bright and she has very outdated views. She thinks that a wife should be submissive to the husband and he as the head of the home should make every decision. She was brought up with really good values which she threw down the drain when she married him. She's totally different from her sisters who actually have minds of their own.

    In the five years aso my dad has thrown 85k down the drain on an investment that has come to zero. She had reservations about it but never expressed them, she just parted with her money and now there's no point crying over spilt milk.

    He still wastes money today, she's finally found a voice but it's not really enough.

    Oh they own this other flat that my dad decided to allow one of his relatives (my cousin) to stay in free of charge. My cousin then decided to let out the flat to his friends so he could have the rent. They totally messed it up, my savvy aunt has had to get involved in helping deal with the dispute that has arisen. Goodness knows whether the matter will ever be sorted.
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    I meant five years ago*
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    what are you doing to yourself? Holding a grudge is not doing you any favour. You are an adult and independent now, maybe your route to where you are now was not always easy but you got there in the end. Forgive your dad and learn from his mistakes, its better for you and him. Show him kindness and love as he will always be your dad. Love always changes people for the better he may come to realise his mistakes if you are consistently good to him. I know what I am saying sounds impossible and difficult. But think about it the minute something horrible happens to your dad all you will remember is good things he has done for you the relationship you could have had. Its not too late. Many who lost their fathers would tell you life too short for that. Repair your relationship now. Don't do the psychometric tests and tell him gently why you would never do that for anyone.
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    Sorry, but what are you expecting to gain from this thread?
    If you can't find a reason to respect him, then don't. Nothing we can say will change your mind.

    If you think he's that much of a jackass, just try not to see him, all there is to it, really.
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    Thanks for responding. Having established that you don't live in this household and therefore don't have to routinely endure all the problems you describe, what is it that you actually want to achieve in relation to them? Give me a list.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Zax)
    Thanks for responding. Having established that you don't live in this household and therefore don't have to routinely endure all the problems you describe, what is it that you actually want to achieve in relation to them? Give me a list.
    You don't need to thank me for responding.

    I also don't need to give you a list of problems as if you are my shrink or therapist.

    The reason I wrote this thread is because I wanted to rant, I wasn't looking for people to solve my problems for me.

    If you don't understand my frustration then I don't see much point in your responses.

    My issue is that I have to look after my parents when they are OAP and I find it difficult to come to terms with the way my dad has treated me.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon or delete

    My dad recently applied for a management position at his current workplace and this evening he had the cheek to ask me to do his online psychometric tests for him. I refused.

    I've recently been offered a job at a global firm and was required to do the usual SHL psychometric tests which I obviously passed for that specific role.

    I really resent the fact that he's coming to ask me to cheat for him, I have too many issues with my dad, I do not even know where to start.

    Background:

    1. My parents placed my two brothers at private schools, my sister and I were sent to badly performing govt schools.

    2. I have speech dyspraxia and when I was young my aunt raised concerns that I need a speech therapist but my parents chose to ignore her, today I struggle really badly with my speech. I am hoping to pay for some sort of speech or elocution lessons in the near future.

    3. When I started my driving lessons, he didn't give me a penny towards my lessons nor did he buy me a car and yet he bought my brothers cars, took them driving and their driving tests were a walk in the park. I paid over 2k for driving lessons and tests, with 5 failed tests.

    4. He's always treated me as if I'm stupid and yet he only got a 2.2 at his polytechnic university. I managed to get a 2.1 at a decent university.

    5. When I was at uni, I supported myself through-out. All he paid was the fees. Unfortunately for me, my parents combined income at that time was 60k and I was assessed not to need much financial support. The problem is that I wasn't supported in any way by my parents. All they did was pay the fees which wasn't even much at that time, I never got anything else, I just had to survive on a small loan and part-time work. My dad chose to waste all his money on ventures that have come to nothing. All his money has been thrown into a bottomless pit over the last five years.

    6. I did a post-grad, I paid all my fees and received no help what so ever from my parents. When it came to the graduation day, I needed to get tickets for the guests. I asked my dad if he could pay for his and my mums tickets and he claimed not to have money. It was a big fat lie, only moments later he blew about £200 on some equipment for my grand-dad which has now gone to waste. Anyway, I ended up not having them at my graduation for my masters.

    There are so many things, the list is endless and thinking about it just annoys me. A few years back he made some comment as some sort of emotional blackmail, saying that he knows which of his children will look after them when they are older. He was trying to imply that my brother will look after them or whatever. The funny thing is that today my brother is suffering from alcohol dependency, he's reckless, he's had 7 car accidents in the last 10 years and in only one of them being his own car and he was let go from his first graduate job at an accountancy firm, I think they had had enough of him.

    Anyway, I could go on. I need to rant.

    I don't know what to do about the future, whenever I think about these things, I'm just frustrated but I can't choose my family . My dad has never shown any respect for me and I struggle to have any respect for him.

    I'm an honest person, I feel ashamed that a person I call my dad is asking me to cheat for him.
    Re the bit in bold: this is apparently completely normal. My mum was horrified by the amount of her friends expected her to send me to a bog standard comp while my brother went to a v. expensive public school.

    As for all your other points I can see your frustration, I was very lucky that my parents were so helpful and still are really. All I can suggest having not been in your position is to leave, but I'm assuming if you could afford that you would have already. You can really only make the best of what you've got, you've done pretty well for yourself regardless of your family, you have a degree, a masters and a good job. Don't do your dads tests for him, if he can't pass them himself he obviously isn't suitable for the job.

    You are not obliged to look after your parents when they're old, if you dad doesn't think he can rely on you, prove him right, leave it all to your brother and it will serve him right. My brother and I will jointly look after my parents when they are old, because they deserve it, from what I can see your dad doesn't.
    • #4
    #4

    My dad died a year and a half ago so i wish i had your problems - much better to have a dad you dont respect than no dad at all!
 
 
 
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