Turn on thread page Beta

Please help me with my huge problem :'( watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Anon or delete please

    I do this this is all necessary for the situation to be judged properly sorry about the length but please please please read xxx

    This is going to be ridiculously long, but please read if you have just a single parent or your parents have split up or can offer me some good advice, I am at my wits end with this situation

    Right so basically I have a 2 year old baby/child. I was with his father for around 8 months before I managed to get pregnant. When I got pregnant he totally changed he DID want me to keep the child but he become increasingly violent, posessive and scary as my pregnancy continued. These are just a few of the things he put me through when I was pregnant;

    - cheated on me multiple times
    - didnt turn up for my 9 week scan
    - didnt turn up for my 12 week scan
    - was very late for my 20 week scan
    - locked me in his flat for three days with no food/water/television or anything
    - battered me to the point where he had to call an ambulance
    - put me into premature labour at 30 weeks (2 days before my birthday) from beating me up
    - had sex with me against my will when I was 7 months pregnant and gave me chlymidia because he had been cheating
    - got many girls to ring me up claiming they were his new girlfriend or pregnant
    - would throw me out of his flat at 1am/2am in the morning if we argued at 5/6 months pregnant and he lived in a rough area
    - would smoke weed around me
    - never financially supported me for ANYTHING to get ready for the baby
    - randomly ended up in prison 3 times during my pregnancy and I would only find out because his phone would suddenly be off
    - would constantly play mind games about wanting to be / not be with me
    - stopped me from talking to most of my friends
    - didnt turn up to the birth
    - on the day his child was born was attempting to chat up girls on facebook

    When my baby was born he was severely ill (nearly died 4 times) and was in intensive care for 4 weeks in which time his father visited once.... to me this was unforgiveable I had an incredibly traumatic birth and nearly died myself.

    Since my babys been born hes seen him maybe 5 times in 2 years... but when we meet up he either tries

    - really bad tries it on with me / tries to sleep with me
    - smokes drugs around my baby
    - attempts to 'pick up' with my baby in the car
    - was again violent locked my baby in his flat and battered me in the street breaking my ribs, cheekbone, wrist and severely bruising me (the police were called)
    - managed to get social services involved because he battered me and they have been on my back ever since (rightly so, but I get the complete blame)

    Because of this, I am not prepared to let him see my child. He is crazy and I am genuinely scared for me and my childs welfare. However, he always tries to turn it back on me and I admit I have been slightly crazy BUT who wouldn't be, the emotions were too raw every time I let him see him from how much he had hurt me.

    At the end of the day he's made it pretty clear he doesn't really care that much and tbh wouldn't be bothered if he never saw his child again (I don't think... he will probably try to when said baby is old enough)

    The problem is that I no waaaay trust him enough with baby on his own. He smokes drugs / hangs out with dodgy people and my baby is my life I wouldnt want to risk anything. Also social services probably would be against the idea

    Right, now to where I 'make excuses for him', the father was sexually abused by a variety of differnt foster parents when he was in care (his father used to batter his mother and he ended up in care). His mother is crazy and unable to look after him so he has been living on his own since 14/15 in a hostel / smoking drugs / hanging out with the wrong people. The perfect father right, I think this is probably why I made so many excuses for him.

    Right NOW the problem, I now have myself a perfect/gorgous/wonderful/amazing boyfriend who I love so much and literally can see myself spending the rest of my life with and he feels the same......

    Obviously my child is going to want to know who is father is soon (I would say in around 2 years time when he goes to school) my problem is - presuming I am still with my boyfriend which I SHOULD BE. Is do I lie to my child about his biological father? Do I tell my child my boyfriend is his father who literally may possible end up being my husband? I only want the best for my child, my boyfriend would be a perfect dad and he isn't too phased by the idea. It's only because if I have children with said boyfriend, I wouldnt want my child to feel 'left out' and not really part of the family. I also don't want him wondering about his 'real' father and feeling empty and like his life isn't complete. I also know if he went to seek out his real father he wont even want a relationship with him anyway and will just reject him?

    Please help I am so in love with my child, I only want the best for him. I dont want him to ever feel unloved/rejected or anything like that. Advice please...
    Offline

    7
    ReputationRep:
    Do not lie to your child about who his/her father is, reason being when he grows up and finds the truth and most probably from someone else, then YOU will not only have alot of explaining to do but the trust between you and your child would have been broken! At the same time do not poison your child into thinking their father is a wasteman(which from your post he is) let him/her find out for himself then he can make his own mind as to weather he wants to have anything to do with his father.

    lastly yes you might be inlove with your current man, but he is NOT the childs biological father, and the child needs to know that, do not get the child to start calling him "dad" you will mess up the poor kids head.

    yes it will be hard when he grows up seeing his biological father not there, but by your boyfriend, your own father/brother or any male friend being a positive male role model will help much more than confusing the poor kids head.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by emeritus2011)
    Do not lie to your child about who his/her father is, reason being when he grows up and finds the truth and most probably from someone else, then YOU will not only have alot of explaining to do but the trust between you and your child would have been broken! At the same time do not poison your child into thinking their father is a wasteman(which from your post he is) let him/her find out for himself then he can make his own mind as to weather he wants to have anything to do with his father.

    lastly yes you might be inlove with your current man, but he is NOT the childs biological father, and the child needs to know that, do not get the child to start calling him "dad" you will mess up the poor kids head.

    yes it will be hard when he grows up seeing his biological father not there, but by your boyfriend, your own father/brother or any male friend being a positive male role model will help much more than confusing the poor kids head.
    I know it's best to let him find out for himself but I want to protect him and stop him from getting hurt/feeling rejected. it feels so hard for me
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon or delete please

    I do this this is all necessary for the situation to be judged properly sorry about the length but please please please read xxx

    This is going to be ridiculously long, but please read if you have just a single parent or your parents have split up or can offer me some good advice, I am at my wits end with this situation

    Right so basically I have a 2 year old baby/child. I was with his father for around 8 months before I managed to get pregnant. When I got pregnant he totally changed he DID want me to keep the child but he become increasingly violent, posessive and scary as my pregnancy continued. These are just a few of the things he put me through when I was pregnant;

    - cheated on me multiple times
    - didnt turn up for my 9 week scan
    - didnt turn up for my 12 week scan
    - was very late for my 20 week scan
    - locked me in his flat for three days with no food/water/television or anything
    - battered me to the point where he had to call an ambulance
    - put me into premature labour at 30 weeks (2 days before my birthday) from beating me up
    - had sex with me against my will when I was 7 months pregnant and gave me chlymidia because he had been cheating
    - got many girls to ring me up claiming they were his new girlfriend or pregnant
    - would throw me out of his flat at 1am/2am in the morning if we argued at 5/6 months pregnant and he lived in a rough area
    - would smoke weed around me
    - never financially supported me for ANYTHING to get ready for the baby
    - randomly ended up in prison 3 times during my pregnancy and I would only find out because his phone would suddenly be off
    - would constantly play mind games about wanting to be / not be with me
    - stopped me from talking to most of my friends
    - didnt turn up to the birth
    - on the day his child was born was attempting to chat up girls on facebook

    When my baby was born he was severely ill (nearly died 4 times) and was in intensive care for 4 weeks in which time his father visited once.... to me this was unforgiveable I had an incredibly traumatic birth and nearly died myself.

    Since my babys been born hes seen him maybe 5 times in 2 years... but when we meet up he either tries

    - really bad tries it on with me / tries to sleep with me
    - smokes drugs around my baby
    - attempts to 'pick up' with my baby in the car
    - was again violent locked my baby in his flat and battered me in the street breaking my ribs, cheekbone, wrist and severely bruising me (the police were called)
    - managed to get social services involved because he battered me and they have been on my back ever since (rightly so, but I get the complete blame)

    Because of this, I am not prepared to let him see my child. He is crazy and I am genuinely scared for me and my childs welfare. However, he always tries to turn it back on me and I admit I have been slightly crazy BUT who wouldn't be, the emotions were too raw every time I let him see him from how much he had hurt me.

    At the end of the day he's made it pretty clear he doesn't really care that much and tbh wouldn't be bothered if he never saw his child again (I don't think... he will probably try to when said baby is old enough)

    The problem is that I no waaaay trust him enough with baby on his own. He smokes drugs / hangs out with dodgy people and my baby is my life I wouldnt want to risk anything. Also social services probably would be against the idea

    Right, now to where I 'make excuses for him', the father was sexually abused by a variety of differnt foster parents when he was in care (his father used to batter his mother and he ended up in care). His mother is crazy and unable to look after him so he has been living on his own since 14/15 in a hostel / smoking drugs / hanging out with the wrong people. The perfect father right, I think this is probably why I made so many excuses for him.

    Right NOW the problem, I now have myself a perfect/gorgous/wonderful/amazing boyfriend who I love so much and literally can see myself spending the rest of my life with and he feels the same......

    Obviously my child is going to want to know who is father is soon (I would say in around 2 years time when he goes to school) my problem is - presuming I am still with my boyfriend which I SHOULD BE. Is do I lie to my child about his biological father? Do I tell my child my boyfriend is his father who literally may possible end up being my husband? I only want the best for my child, my boyfriend would be a perfect dad and he isn't too phased by the idea. It's only because if I have children with said boyfriend, I wouldnt want my child to feel 'left out' and not really part of the family. I also don't want him wondering about his 'real' father and feeling empty and like his life isn't complete. I also know if he went to seek out his real father he wont even want a relationship with him anyway and will just reject him?

    Please help I am so in love with my child, I only want the best for him. I dont want him to ever feel unloved/rejected or anything like that. Advice please...
    Don't lie to your child. If you lie, it will come out and he will feel very hurt by it. Tell him the truth when he asks you for it. If he is young, don't tell him the circumstances, just tell him that his dad can't be with us or whatever (I don't really know what you could actually say, may be worth seeking professional advice) and if he is a bit older, and he wants to know why he can't be around him and will be able to understand the reasons, tell him the truth then. He isn't going to like the truth, but at least he'll understand why he can't see his father and won't be angry with you.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    I don't think you should lie. First of all, you don't know for certain that things will become that serious with your boyfriend. Second of all, if your child finds out you were lying, it could lead to resentment. Tell him/her that their daddy had to go away, but that *insert boyfriends name here* is going to look after him/her. That way, you're telling the truth, but the child still knows they have a father figure they can turn to.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    This is awful
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Psychopath, don't make contact with him again.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    DON'T LIE TO YOUR BABY, if you really do love him that much!
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    Don't lie. My boyfriend's mum told him growing up that he was an idiot. My boyfriend then met his father twice at about age 13 and decided for himself that he was an idiot. There's no need to lie
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Wow , I'm speechless hun...
    Still slighty shocked you stayed with such a thug for so long.
    Anyway , don't lie to your child. When he's old enough let him know who he is but also make it clear he's not to be trusted woth your toothbrush let alone your life..
    Honesty is the best policy.
    Best of luck for the future I hope you remain happy and well.
    Kels
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    All I want to say has been said. Good luck.
    Offline

    7
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know it's best to let him find out for himself but I want to protect him and stop him from getting hurt/feeling rejected. it feels so hard for me
    Its normall to feel this way about your child but he will get hurt if he finds out you lied to him, as for being rejected who by? his father? just be there for him show him and he will grow up knowing his mother was the one there on his first day at school, when he was ill, on his sports day school play and school disco..this is what his father has lost out on and yes its his loss!
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    a dude that hits women to that extent (or at all) should be killed, i have no respect or pity for people like that.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Although not that violent, my father was pretty much the same. I only know fo him and I chose to limit my contact with him, even when the courts ordered that he had a right to see his children, I refused to do so. My mum did the right thing in telling me who my biological father was, it's made me who I am today and I am very respectful towards women and I am even working towards being a Social Worker. I will be going to university this year.

    My father is my inspiration really, I think of him and always do the opposite of him. Although your ex-boyfriend (child's father) was abused in childhood, this does not condone what he did to you or your child, even if this can make him who he is. Potential harm to the child is no excuse and help can be obtained.
    Even though he said he was sorry and played mind-games and tries to make you think it's your fault, these are the signs of domestic violence and what you described is domestic violence. I think he was afraid of the commitment as well and the fact that he was a father.

    No matter what, he obviously did not care enough to inflict this kind of pain on you. Be happy with the partner you have now but be cautious because it's not your decision for the child to see the father. Only once mental or physical intimidation (potential brainwashing) is noticed, you can step in.

    Kind regards and I would talk more but there's too much to say.
    PM if you'd like.
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    Don't lie to him, just say that his Daddy can't be here, but you and your current BF love him and will always look after him. You should contact Social Services about his Father though, as he shouldn't be able to be with him on his own if everything you've said is true.. after all it's about your child's safety isn't it.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Plleeeaasee do not lie. Your son will find out one day and will not appreciate it.

    Also, please get a restraining order against your ex.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    It is an incredibly difficult situation. You want to protect your son from a painful truth. That's completely normal and just shows that you love your son very much. But unfortunately, your son will inevitably find out who his real father is and want to meet him one day. If you have built up an open and honest relationship then he will know he can come to you about it and you can make sure he is well-supported. You can't protect him from learning about his real father, but you can protect him from doing so alone and unsupported.

    You don't need to tell him the full extent of the abuse you suffered. But he will have friends with separated parents who still see their fathers, and he will need to understand why he cannot. You can explain that his father has some problems and is not able to love him the right way. It's a lot better than telling him his father doesn't want to know. In time he will work out what this means, but by that point he will know he is loved and secure at home.

    You don't need to make it a big heavy conversation. With my little boy (I am not his biological mother) we have just chatted about things in a relaxed way. He knows it's not a big deal to talk about anything that's bothering him. And he didn't have to take it in all in one go. When he was very little he knew he grew in another lady's tummy. He was so young he didn't realise this was unusual. He is 8 now and if he heard that for the first time now it would come as a huge shock and open up all kinds of questions. Starting to explain so young meant that we could do it gradually and answer the questions as and when they came up instead of confusing him. I really do feel that openness and honesty has been the right way to handle our situation.

    There are a lot of step-families out there. If you do have more children with your new boyfriend I am sure you will find really good advice on how to handle this from parenting forums. Many, many families will have negotiated this situation before you and be able to offer you advice.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He is crazy and I am genuinely scared for me and my childs welfare.

    The problem is that I no waaaay trust him enough with baby on his own. He smokes drugs / hangs out with dodgy people and my baby is my life I wouldnt want to risk anything. Also social services probably would be against the idea
    I'm not saying you're to blame for the way the father is, and I feel bad for you going through such abuse, but you're certainly responsible for your child's welfare and should have walked away a lot sooner. Clearly you had no trouble informing the police etc, but this didn't keep you away from him, you went back again and again, as you said you made "excuses" for him and couldn't help how you felt....that's fair enough and quite common with abuse victims, but for the baby's sake you should have forced yourself away, done whatever necessary, restraining order (quite easily attainable nowadays), leave town, stay with relatives, whatever it took to keep your baby away from him, his violence, and the weed he smoked around the baby. You're lucky the baby was even born at all having been through all of that, some women miscarry from less.

    Please don't let him near the baby, at least until the baby is 16-18 years old and can decide for themselves whether they want to know who their neglectful abusive biological father really is. And if that really upsets the father, then maybe he should have thought about that before he abused the baby (he did abuse the child, it was inside you, he knew that), and neglected (missing the scans and birth). Protect your baby, you seem strong enough to make that decision now, and obviously love your child.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    You have issues woman I bet this man who inpregnated you was violent before you even got pregnant the truth is you like most woman are attracted to what they call badboys and yes you! were attracted to this badboy and than you go and get pregnant by him you are a troubled woman and now have created a child that will also have issues in life because he will not know his father. Really if his father is as violent as you say probably it is a good thing.

    Now as for wether to tell your son about his real biological father or not I would say wait until he is of an age he can understand and take it in theres no doubt however that you will leave out the bit where you yes you! decided it was a good idea to have a baby with violent unreliable guy leave out the bits about you making bad decisons which affected you and your child and simply paint the father in a bad light and you as the loving kind maiden who did no wrong.

    You may choose to lie to your son if that is your preferred choice but what if you son has a medical condition connecting him to his biological father and than after all the lies the truth must come out?. What if the biological father comes back and wants a part in your sons life?. You see theres a lot of what ifs so as long as you can live with the constant what ifs and also live with lying to your child I would say go with the lie however if you can not the truth is'nt such a bad thing.

    You see im not someone who simply reads you terrible story and is going to feel sorry for you although I do empathize with your situation and hope that you and you child can have a better future. There are always two sides to a story maybe you could tell us what attracted you to such unreliable violent guy whats your family background I can see you talked a lot about the badguy in this but nothing about yourself what in you made you stay with such a man have you got low self esteem issues which caused you to settle for this man?.

    Not trying to be harsh here just my honest opinions on your issue.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I echo the sentiments of nas - poppa was a playa, perhaps this may be a good way of getting across the character of your babies daddy to your son when he is older.

    Cut all ties with the baby daddy, sounds like a dope feind. Nothing good will come of it. Deny your sons bio father access to you and your son. As your son gets older, inform him of what/whom his father was using the above method and of course if this website is still around, possibily this thread. Given your description of the babies daddy if he is to continue his activities then i doubt he'll be around much longer. Good thing for both you and us as a society.

    Note that a REAL man would NEVER lay his hands on a female to cause her harm.

    All the best.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: March 17, 2011
Poll
If a uni gives me an unconditional offer they....

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.