My brother is self harming...

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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 9 years ago
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Both my mum and I know that my brother is self harming. We've seen the scars, he works in a kitchen so he uses his hands alot and one was so bad that couldn't go in. Although he tried to say it was an accident. We thought it had stopped, but today my mum was cleaning and found knives with blood on them. He has also recently broken up with his girlfriend. The last time, my mum asked him about and he admitted but said he'd stopped so he didn't need to go to the doctors or wherever. So this time we don't want to ask him outright because he'll just say the same as before. What should I do/say to him, he obviously needs help?
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*Dreaming*
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#2
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Talk to him, offer your support, let him know that you are there for him, and try and make him see that cutting isn't the answer. Try and suggest a councellor
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fire2burn
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If he doesn't want to accept help you cannot force it upon him. Only when he himself chooses to seek help for his self harm will the situation be resolved.
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Anonymous #2
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The best thing you can do is to make sure he feels like he has your support. Most people who self harm are not doing it for attention etc. and are in fact very ashamed that they do it. I know that I have always worried that if my friends or family were to find out that I cut myself they would be ashamed of me or that I would worry them. Reassure your brother that you're not frightened or put off by his self-harm (even if you are) and that it is normal to feel confused or anxious.

Why don't you try to find out why he self harms? If you can get him to open up that might help. Or you can try to help him find alternatives to self harm, running has helped to reduce the amount I cut myself. Remember though that while someone injuring themselves might seem frightening it's not necessarily the case that they want to do anything like commit suicide. It is probably just a coping mechanism for him. If he is cutting himself carefully and in a safe manner and if he can find no alternative to self harm then maybe you should just leave him be. I know it's not the answer you want to hear, but if you try to stop him cutting himself he will only become more secretive about it.
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wannabeteacher
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dont be too harsh on him and go in with all guns blazing, this will lead to him self harming more. Just have a sit down with him and ask what triggers his harm and give him a listening ear. A self harmer has to choose to seek help for themselves and not be forced. Unfortunately it is a vicious cylcle and addictive, not something that is easy to break but is possible with the right support system
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foreveryoung01
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Don't let him have the option of telling you he's stopped, tell him you know, and make sure he goes to see someone, he won't do it himself. Give him your support, let him know there are people there for him and he's not alone.
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fire2burn
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(Original post by MeWantConsultant)
Confront him: Absoloutely destroy him emotionally and tell him to pick up his life and stop being an idiot. If you try and support him he'll begin to think he can get away with anything and do just that. Many people will disaprove of this but its really the only way to get to him. If he's the rebellious type he'll take it in his stride but atleast you'll know that he knows that his a disgrace to you.
Possibly the most idiotic thing I've read on this forum so far today. Do not under any circumstances choose this option unless you want to make it much worse.

Most people will rightly disapprove of your post because it is the wrong thing to do. Destroying someone emotionally, telling them to stop being an idiot and pick themselves up is the most unhelpful thing you could possibly do to a person who self harms. It is nothing short of bullying and simply shows you are incapable of empathy or understanding. Self harm is a coping mechanism, a method of dealing with problems that a person feels unable to cope with. If you simply try to force the person to stop self harming without tackling the underlying triggers for the behaviour you can either make the self harm worse, or simply cause them to turn towards other methods of dealing with the problem i.e. drugs or alcohol.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by MeWantConsultant)
Confront him: Absoloutely destroy him emotionally and tell him to pick up his life and stop being an idiot. If you try and support him he'll begin to think he can get away with anything and do just that. Many people will disaprove of this but its really the only way to get to him. If he's the rebellious type he'll take it in his stride but atleast you'll know that he knows that his a disgrace to you.
There is a time and a place for stupidity and this is not it. I sincerely hope this was some attempt to be 'amusing and controversial' rather than actual help. This would just end up causing him to self harm more, and in a more secretive manner.
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wannabeteacher
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#9
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(Original post by Anonymous)
are in fact very ashamed that they do it. I know that I have always worried that if my friends or family were to find out that I cut myself they would be ashamed of me or that I would worry them. .
I know what you mean I self harm and in scared to death of my family finding out but that doesnt stop me, ive taken up art to try and suppress the urge but somedays it gets too much
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MeWantConsultant
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(Original post by Anonymous)
There is a time and a place for stupidity and this is not it. I sincerely hope this was some attempt to be 'amusing and controversial' rather than actual help. This would just end up causing him to self harm more, and in a more secretive manner.
Theres one thing addicts to best, and thats fail to quit. Im just working from experince, shunt me or not, but otherwise support simply equals another way to enforce your brother that no one cares enough to tell him he's ruining his life and his life is something more people other than him care for.
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MeWantConsultant
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(Original post by fire2burn)
Possibly the most idiotic thing I've read on this forum so far today. Do not under any circumstances choose this option unless you want to make it much worse.

Most people will rightly disapprove of your post because it is the wrong thing to do. Destroying someone emotionally, telling them to stop being an idiot and pick themselves up is the most unhelpful thing you could possibly do to a person who self harms. It is nothing short of bullying and simply shows you are incapable of empathy or understanding. Self harm is a coping mechanism, a method of dealing with problems that a person feels unable to cope with. If you simply try to force the person to stop self harming without tackling the underlying triggers for the behaviour you can either make the self harm worse, or simply cause them to turn towards other methods of dealing with the problem i.e. drugs or alcohol.
It really depends on who your brother is: When I was in secondary I always used to think smoking and drugs would something I would absoloutely never do and thus it was hard to empathise for me. Self harming is just that: I imagine once you get into it you just can't stop, no matter how hard it is. It's like when my parents confronted me for... well exploring the pleasures of... *masturbating*.
That did not end well...
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don'tyouremember?
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#12
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tell him you know and that you want to help him. offer to go with him to the doctor?
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wannabeteacher
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#13
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(Original post by MeWantConsultant)
Theres one thing addicts to best, and thats fail to quit. Im just working from experince, shunt me or not, but otherwise support simply equals another way to enforce your brother that no one cares enough to tell him he's ruining his life and his life is something more people other than him care for.
A self harmer already feels worthless and ashamed of what they are doing which is why they hide it, so if you go and tell them those things you are going to confirm the thoughts they have in their head thus resulting to them self harming to cope with the emotions they feel. This defeats the whole purpose of getting them to stop.
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imperial maniac
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#14
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Show him that he is hurting you too.
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MeWantConsultant
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#15
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(Original post by wannabeteacher)
A self harmer already feels worthless and ashamed of what they are doing which is why they hide it, so if you go and tell them those things you are going to confirm the thoughts they have in their head thus resulting to them self harming to cope with the emotions they feel. This defeats the whole purpose of getting them to stop.
Seriously it really does seem like your working from personal experince here, associating it from something YOU did wrong.

Self harming is much more serious then masturbating or smoking or whatever teenagers do anymore: DO NOT WORK FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. I've been in an extreamly similiar situation to this and when me made the idiot feel like... well defecations in that mutually accepted way he'll start to confront himself as opposed to us trying to confront him.
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wannabeteacher
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(Original post by MeWantConsultant)
Seriously it really does seem like your working from personal experince here, associating it from something YOU did wrong.

Self harming is much more serious then masturbating or smoking or whatever teenagers do anymore: DO NOT WORK FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. I've been in an extreamly similiar situation to this and when me made the idiot feel like... well defecations in that mutually accepted way he'll start to confront himself as opposed to us trying to confront him.
I am working from personal exprience of how I would feel if someone confronted me about my self harm. You do have to confront yourself and you know that it is wrong but it is soo hard to stop doing something that has become your crutch. Its like a druggie somtimes you need your fix and come hell or high water your going to get it.
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MeWantConsultant
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#17
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(Original post by wannabeteacher)
I am working from personal exprience of how I would feel if someone confronted me about my self harm. You do have to confront yourself and you know that it is wrong but it is soo hard to stop doing something that has become your crutch. Its like a druggie somtimes you need your fix and come hell or high water your going to get it.
Addiction is addiction: Its influenced by nothing and influences everything. If you have personal experince then you'll know the *Oh my god, I've just done it again, No more i say!* Feeling before you go off do it again. You cant cure addicts either way: Emotional support is no differant to a heated ultimatium.
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wannabeteacher
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(Original post by MeWantConsultant)
Addiction is addiction: Its influenced by nothing and influences everything. If you have personal experince then you'll know the *Oh my god, I've just done it again, No more i say!* Feeling before you go off do it again. You cant cure addicts either way: Emotional support is no differant to a heated ultimatium.
I agree with you about saying your not going to do it again but you do (the amout of times ive tried to stop) but i think that it really depends on the person to see what will work for them. Some people need the in your face approach(but still not too harsh) but some need people who will take it slower.
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j_a_z_z
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#19
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hey, so's my younger sister... maybe we should set them up?
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MeWantConsultant
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#20
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(Original post by wannabeteacher)
I agree with you about saying your not going to do it again but you do (the amout of times ive tried to stop) but i think that it really depends on the person to see what will work for them. Some people need the in your face approach(but still not too harsh) but some need people who will take it slower.
:/ Agreed

I still like the idea of making failures feel like failures: Seriously am I the only sadistic arse who absoloutely hates people who bring things on themselves and expect people to help them? I mean seriously...
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