What's green and says, hey, I'm a frog?
A talking frog.
Post your jokes here! watch
- 19-03-2011 15:32
- 19-03-2011 15:37
- 19-03-2011 15:38
The french army.
(Original post by muffingg)
- 19-03-2011 15:40
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
- Thread Starter
- 19-03-2011 15:41
What's grey and bounces around the garden? a rabbit
- 19-03-2011 15:44
Q. What's green, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell from a tree?
A. A pool table.
Q. What is so good about sex with twenty eight year olds?
A. There's twenty of them.
Q. What do goalkeepers and vampires have in common?
A. They don't like crosses.
Q. How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three: one to change the bulb, one to buy the Man Utd endorsed light bulb changing video and t-shirt, and one to drive them both back to London.
Q. What do you do if you see a Liverpool fan riding a bike?
A. Don't run him over, it's probably yours.
Q. What do you call a good looking woman in France?
Q. What do you do if you see a one-armed Irishman hanging from a tree?
A. Wave at him.
Q. Why did the condom cross the road?
A. Because it was pis sed off (edited to avoid the filter)
A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman "I would like a... beer please". To which the barman asks "Why the big pause?"
Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack.
- 19-03-2011 15:46
- 19-03-2011 15:46
Three women, one French, one Swedish and one (insert macho country), part of a feminist group decided to stand up to their husbands.
The French wife said, ok girls, as soon as my husband comes back from work and demands dinner, I will tell him that it is about time he cooks something as well.
The Swedish wife said, right, I well tell mine to cook and also wash the dishes and his clothes.
The "macho country" wife agreed and said she will ask the same thing of her husband, and decided that they should meet one month later to discuss any progress.
One month later they met again. The French wife said, "Well girls, I admit at the beginning I saw no progress, one day passed, nothing, two days passed, nothing, the 3rd day he started cooking and now he contributes more towards the house chores so I am very happy".
The Swedish wife said, "Well girls, at the beginning I saw no progress, one day passed, nothing, two days passed, nothing, one week passed, nothing, two weeks passed, nothing, the 3rd week as by miracle he started helping with the house chores so I am very happy".
The "macho country" wife said, ""Well girls, at the beginning I saw no progress, one day passed, nothing, two days passed, nothing, one week passed, nothing, two weeks passed, nothing, four weeks passed and then as by miracle I started seeing from one eye again but the other one as you can see is still bruised and swollen.Last edited by cybergrad; 19-03-2011 at 15:48.
- 19-03-2011 15:47
I saw a fat singer walking down the pavement the other day, she was carrying a laptop. I think it was a Dell!
- 19-03-2011 15:49
Back when Beckham was at Man Utd, he had an argument in the late nineties with another player that almost lead him to leaving the team. He stormed into Alex Ferguson's office, and the conversation went like this:
Beckham: I demand a transfer!
Fergie: Oh no, why?
Beckham: I just want to leave, now.
Fergie: I bet she put you up to this, didn't she (Posh).
Beckham: Well, no... it's just...
Beckham: Well... last night I wanted to do it, but she turned me down saying she was too tired because she's been doing Giggs all week.
- 19-03-2011 15:50
Where do Bees use the bathroom?
The BP Station.
I got sent out of class when I was 10 for literally not being able to stop laughing at that. Oh dear. I was a tad lame.
- 19-03-2011 15:56
What's brown and sticky?
- 19-03-2011 15:57
What goes click ninety-nine times and clack once?
A centipede with a clubfoot.
- 19-03-2011 15:59
What's brown and sticky?
Thank you Alan Davies
EDIT: Crap, beaten to it XD
- 19-03-2011 16:05
One night Paddy is driving home after a long hard day at work. It's late, it's dark, and he's exhausted. About a hundred yards from his house he sees the pub and decides to stop in and have a drink. Some of his mates might be there, and he just needs to rejuvinate after work.
Paddy goes in, gets a drink, and then notices his mates. They start chatting and Paddy is feeling much better. Soon the drinks start flowing as they really begin to discuss some of life's intricacies. After many drinks Paddy is feeling a bit groggy and decides it is time to go home.
Paddy says goodbye to his mates, identifies the exit, and begins to make his approach to the door. He gets up and begins walking, but after a few steps he has fallen over flat on his face. He brushes himself off, gets up, and decides maybe he got up too fast. After a few seconds to compose himself, Paddy tries again. Paddy begins walking, and yet again, he falls flat on his face. He checks to see if his shoes are untied or if anything is tripping him up, but he can't figure out what it is. He shakes it off and tries once more, but this time falls forward, landing at the door.
Opening the door he crawls out of the pub. Paddy can see his house from here about one hundred yards down the road. Perhaps the pub floor was uneven, or maybe he just needed some fresh air. After a minute Paddy hauls himself up and is ready to go again. Sadly, one again, Paddy falls face first into the floor. Well that's it, Paddy can't understand it, and decides instead to crawl all the way home, dragging himself up the driveway, opening the front foor, crawling upstairs and into bed.
The next morning Paddy wakes up with a huge headache to breakfast in bed and an asprin, provided by his wife. Paddy's legs are aching, and his knees are heavily grazed.
"So you were at the pub then last night, Paddy?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"They called. Said you left your wheelchair there".
- 19-03-2011 16:10
- 19-03-2011 16:19
One afternoon Paddy is out for a drive. Going nicely along some open country roads, Paddy is then confronted with a tree. "Holy crap!" he exclaims as he swerves to miss the tree. He steadies himself and then "FECK!" another tree! Paddy swerves again, feeling that this one was a much closer shave. All seems well once more until "JAYSUS FECK!" as Paddy swerves to miss a third tree, and narrowly misses another motorist.
Paddy pulls up at the side of the road, panting, fearing for his life. "What the feck just happened?". The other road user pulls up, gets out of his car and comes over to Paddy.
"Are you alright, mate?"
"No! I... er..."
"Just... these feckin' trees!"
"These feckin' trees. They kept coming out of nowhere"
"I don't see any trees around here" says the other motorist, as he looks round, bemused.
"They kept coming out of nowhere! I had to keep swerving to avoid them!"
"The only tree I see around here is the one hanging from your mirror".
- 19-03-2011 16:30
Paddy has himself a job as a policeman, and is out patrolling the country roads that are notorious for their dangerous trees. Sat in his car near a T-junction, looking for speeders, he notices a slick handsome man, wearing a suit, driving a really posh looking Mercedes. This car approaches the junction, notices the STOP sign, slows down, looks both ways, nothing is coming, and the car continues round to the left.
This is Paddy's chance. He goes after the driver, and flashes him over:
"Do you know what you did there, sir?"
"No... what happened?"
"Did you see the STOP sign?"
"And did you stop?"
"No, but I slowed down, saw nothing was coming, and when I thought it was safe to do so, I carried on"
"But you're supposed to stop at a STOP sign, not just slow down"
"What's the difference?"
"Step out the car please, sir"
The man gets out, and this is where Paddy pulls out his truncheon, and starts to heavily beat the man to the floor.
"Now, ya fecker!" shouts Paddy, "Would you like me to stop, or just slow down?"
- 19-03-2011 17:55
Those days are over
You don't have to sell your body to the right
- 19-03-2011 17:57
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because they have smelly feet