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My girlfriend is asking questions I really don't want to answer. watch

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    I don't think you should lie to her. If you do, and then later tell her the truth, there'll probably always be that thought in her head, "he lied to me once, what if this story is some sick lie as well?" You don't need to tell her the whole truth right away if you don't feel ready. Maybe you could tell her that your past is very painful, and that you're not ready to tell her everything yet. I can't speak for her, but if it was me, I'd be thankful for you being straight with me.

    Besides, if she's a good person she won't react badly to this and she'll be there for you. Even if you're not ready right now to tell her, telling her in the future might prove to be cathartic for you.

    Well done for getting your life back on track. I really admire you!
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    Dont go in detail about what happened to you .Just insinuate that your childhood was nowhere near conventional and she should fill in the blanks . You got to remember that your in uni so your just starting the rest of your life .You dont want to be telling someone you just met the most intimate deatails of your life and then a year later you maybe split up , youl end up in a mental hospital again and paranoid that she may have told the whole campus . Its very rare that young people keep secrets no matter how dark and tragic they are.Tell the real intimate stuff to health professionals such as doctors and psychiatrists.
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    I appreciate that you already have a girlfriend, but... marry me?!

    I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. Maybe reveal things little by little and see how it goes, being very general and vague at first, gauging her reaction. You could constantly emphasise that you would rather not dwell on it and are just telling her to get it out of the way, so you can move on.

    I'll admit that I am also curious about the cheesy inspirational part now.. could you pm it to me too please?
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    I'm really sorry about all the **** that you've had to go through.

    Just tell her that you've had a very difficult past that you'd rather not talk about and say that you no longer see your parents because of it and you only have university friends on facebook because you're trying to move away from your past. You don't need to tell her any details that you're not comfortable with her knowing, but at least this way she knows that you have reasons.
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    Such an amazing story, mucho respect and admiration to you. Speaking as a girl, I understand her wanting to know, but if i were in your situation I wouldn't want someone I liked to know quite soon. I think the besst bet could be to tell her that there are things in your past that you wouldn't like to revisit and if you are prepared to talk to her about it in the future say that you arent ready to speak about it now, but will be in the future.
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    I think the best thing to say is something along the lines of "My past was quite difficult and I'm not ready to talk about it yet." Anyone who cares about you would be able to accept that and not press the issue, and maybe somewhere down the road you'll feel like you can tell her about everything that has happened to you.
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    Aww that's a really sad story Glad you've found a lovely girlfriend though and kudos to you for getting yourself back together. If she loves you, she'll understand. I think if you end up staying with her you'll have to eventually open up but for now just tell her you don't get on well with your family? God bless xx
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    Oh my God :cry2: That's such a sad but moving story :console: You don't have to tell her yet. I wouldn't tell her yet if it was me. Just say you had a rough childhood and haven't kept in contact with anyone from your past. I'm just thinking that if you break up in a year or something (as much as you think everything is fine now) she might tell people about your past. I'm one of those people who tell some people some things and other people other things so that no one knows everything about me. I hold it like a talisman really that I am the only person who knows myself through and through. If it was me, I would just imply a rough childhood and maybe mention that you were abused a child at most but not the other stuff. I would leave that to later if I was getting married or something. I hope that makes sense!

    Edit: I would also like to know the cheesy inspirational bit if you don't mind telling me...:o:
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    (Original post by noobynoo)
    Don't listen to these dumbass girls about telling her everything. girls only saying that because they are naturally nosey and want to know everything. From a man's perspective, don't let your past interfere with your future. This stuff is none of your girlfriends business. So you going to tell every girlfriend all this stuff? that's rubbish. put your past behind you.

    Totally disagree with this "dumbass" comment right here. It's perfectly natural for someone who loves and trusts you to take an interest in you and your past. That's not called "nosey" it's called caring.
    A girl who is unable to open herself emotionally, who has huge zones of past experiences or topics which she won't discuss or disclose is no candidate for a serious relationship. If she can't trust me with her past or intimate feelings then I can't trust her with my commitment.

    I completely understand your position. Your new to the game, you've got a group of friends and a girl in this new life and you worry that By opening up your deepest and darkest secrets, it could bring back all that happened. Yet your obviously blown away by this girl and want her to realise you trust her.

    I'd say tell her that you adore and trust her in every way shape or form, but that your not yet ready to reveal her your past. What you do from thenon is your choice. Personally I'd wait till I was completely immersed in my new life, put most of the past behind me and then tell her.
    Bon chance
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    (Original post by disco1000)
    Totally disagree with this "dumbass" comment right here. It's perfectly natural for someone who loves and trusts you to take an interest in you and your past. That's not called "nosey" it's called caring.
    A girl who is unable to open herself emotionally, who has huge zones of past experiences or topics which she won't discuss or disclose is no candidate for a serious relationship. If she can't trust me with her past or intimate feelings then I can't trust her with my commitment.

    I completely understand your position. Your new to the game, you've got a group of friends and a girl in this new life and you worry that By opening up your deepest and darkest secrets, it could bring back all that happened. Yet your obviously blown away by this girl and want her to realise you trust her.

    I'd say tell her that you adore and trust her in every way shape or form, but that your not yet ready to reveal her your past. What you do from thenon is your choice. Personally I'd wait till I was completely immersed in my new life, put most of the past behind me and then tell her.
    Bon chance
    I agree with this. Have you been following the 'just got shown gf's blog.. should i be worried??' thread by any chance? It's obvious that girl has some kind of traumatic past which she's not willing to share with her boyfriend, and like OP used the internet as an outlet. These things must be handled very delicately, so spilling the beans immediately isn't a good idea IMO until you know you can trust her.
    • TSR Support Team
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    Wow, i thought i'd been through a lot but this is just another level. Absolutely fantastic to see you've recovered mate, its an extremely difficult thing to achieve. Most of the people replying (barring a few idiots) are really proud of you and we've never met in the 'real world', so if she cares about you i'm sure she'll feel so proud/lucky to have you and it'll strengthen the relationship. I know thats how i would feel if my girlfriend had been through anything remotely similiar.

    I understand why you don't want to tell her much about your past, but how long have you two been together? Eventually you'll get to the point where you can trust her and it'll be easier to begin to tell her. For now just tell her you've had a difficult past and nothing more until you are comfortable doing so, she'll understand.

    Regarding Facebook, you could just say you've drifted apart from your school friends.. which isn't entirely a lie. I haven't spoken to anyone from my old school since i left, it is more common than you'd think.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    While I was there I was inspired. I won't say how, because the story is very cheesy, but needless to say it made me really want to improve myself.
    I feel slightly guilty for asking this but is there any chance you could PM it to me? I'm really happy for you that you've recovered, wish you all the best with the rest of your life.
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    Just say that you had family problems which you'd rather forget and that you were affected socially and just want to let go of the past.
    Well done for sorting yourself out like that, it's quite inspiring!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'd really appreciate it if this was kept anon. Can't have this become public knowledge.

    What do I do TSR? I really don't want to lose her, but I also don't want her to know what I've just told you guys.
    Hey. First of all, I'd just like to say what you have done is incredible. As someone who has dealt with similar issues - sexual, physical, emotional abuse, mental disorders, institutionalisation, doctors, suicide attempts, medication, social rehabilitation etc. I can say that choosing to throw yourself into life is incredibly difficult, and you're wonderful for doing so, so well. Much better than I was doing a year into normality after the looney bin. Look at you - this time last year, as you say, on anti psychs, and now you've got a place at uni (!!!), a solid group of friends (!!!!) and even a girlfriend (!!!!!)

    If you think your girl is amazing, kind, caring, open-minded etc. then what you should do is tell her little by little bits of your past.
    Start by telling her that you've had a difficult time in the past, and whilst you have no criminal or amoral skeletons in your closets, there is nonetheless past trauma and a difficult time. Say something like 'hey, I do trust you and I do wish to share things with you, but I've never really done this before, so give me time, and I will try my best to explain certain things and answer some of your questions'

    I know it may seem like she can freak/not understand etc. and whilst she may have not personally experienced all/any of the things you've been through, I am sure she wasn't born yesterday. **** happens in life, and mature, not ignorant people understand that. A lot of it you'll have to explain, but she won't hate or fear you if she's really worth your while.

    Don't spill everything at once but don't pretend like you have no past.
    You want to be with someone you can at times talk to about all your deepest ****, eventually... Otherwise what's the point of a relationship? Don't waste the person you are by denying what you've been through.

    Take care and message me if you want to talk about this in more detail, I'll do all I can to help you.
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    Don't go into detail, if you trust her, tell her you had an abusive childhood and were bullied through high school. say you've had a really difficult past that you've worked hard at to overcome and maybe in the future you'll be ready to tell her everything, but until the time is right you don't want to talk about it.

    don't avoid the subject. don't lie. be honest.
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    Firstly, don't lie. She may find out and then feel hurt about why you lied to her.

    From there you have two options.
    1 - Tell her. Even if its not all of it.
    2 - Just say you had a ****ty childhood and you'd rather not talk about it.

    The problem with the second option is that if she is naturally curious, she still may try to find out.
    Personally, I like the idea of what someone else said. Show her this post, and say you never want to talk about it again. Especially if it is a serious relationship you have.

    (Original post by Studentus-anonymous)
    This, last I checked it wasn't uncommon to pretty much drift away from 'schoolyard chums'.
    But it is uncommon to act like they simply never existed.
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    Well actually as someone suggested, maybe you should print off this thread & send it to her signing off 'the guy's me btw." It actually sounds like a really really good idea & that way you don't have to physically tell it to her face-to-face.

    If I had a bf who had gone through what you have gone through & then sent me a letter like that I actually wouldn't be offended because he didn't tell me face-to-face, I would be able to sympathise with him, obviously I'd let him know that I had received & read the letter & I wouldn't pressurise him into telling me anything else, I wouldn't want to know anything if he didn't want to tell me & basically I'd never mention his past again, not unless he brought up the conversation first.

    If however you don't want to tell her anything just say that you had a really rough childhood where you had no support from your family which is why you don't have any contact with them anymore & that thinking about it or telling her about it just brings up all these horrible memories, ones that you're not ready to open up to anyone about yet & that you'd appreciate it if she didn't ask you anything about your past.

    If she really is an amazing gf then I'm sure she'd be able to imagine what you could have gone through & therefore will accept that you don't want to talk about your past & so the questions should stop.

    Good luck . I hope the rest of your life is as happy as it has been for the last 7/8 months & that your gf sticks with you whether or not you choose to tell her anything .
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    Tough one...

    Perhaps let her on on the fact that you didn't have a great past, but that you don't feel comfortable with disclosing it, at least not all of the details - and maybe just mention you found it hard to get close to people back in school days, which explains why you have not added anyone in your past.

    If you and your girlfriend are going to stay together in a very long term relationship, I do think you should let her know the whole story eventually.

    In short, let her know there is something there (so you aren't lying), but tell her you don't want to tell her all the details yet (she shouldn't push / ask on), and clarify you wouldn't like her to be asking/poking/prying, that you will tell her in due time (this way you can decide when to tell her).

    After the advice, I would like to congratulate you on being able to remake your life, change what you wanted to change, move on and do well after all the terrible things you've gone through. : ) I hope your life continues to go on as well as it is, and that the past remains to be just a dull memory. : )
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    Aww, my heart is cheesily warmed by the surprising amount of love coming out of TSR in this thread!

    I think you should explain, gently, everything you said in this thread.
    I don't think any one of us who read this is scared of you or would be bothered by it or something crazy, and I see no reason why she wouldn't understand like the rest of us have.

    Good luck.
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    Never has a thread on TSR deserved more respect or views than this one.
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    Wow, you seem like a very brave person for having to cope with what I could only imagine would have been very traumatic and difficult experiences for you. I'm sure you can think of a very diplomatic way of basically saying 'I had a hard time growing up and some very unpleasant experiences that I have overcome and now belong in the past, I hope you can understand' etc. If she likes you as much as you say you like her, then she wouldn't push it. Put it this way, if it was the other way around and a girl said that to me, I would completely stop any further inquiries into her past and appreciate her for what she is now. We all have a past, but some people just want to put it firmly behind them and I can completely relate to that on a personal level. I hope it goes OK for you, your story was very inspiring.
 
 
 
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