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Coping with bereavement watch

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    My dad died very suddenly last month and I'm not sure I'm coping. In the week before the funeral I was doing really well - I was upset, but I was dealing with everything quite well. But instead of getting better, everything's getting worse. I feel frustrated and angry all the time, and obviously terribly sad as well. I've had two really horrible arguments with my boyfriend simply because he's about the only person that has any idea of how bad I'm feeling and I'm just taking it all out on him. I feel horrible - I don't want to do this to him because we love each other and I feel like if I keep acting like this, I'll destroy the relationship, because I'm just hurting him by being nasty and horrible.

    Everyone else thinks I'm coping really well and keeping really upbeat but I just can't tell anyone how I'm feeling, because other people are relying on me. I'm an only child and my mum is chronically ill, so I've got to keep everything together. I was so close to my dad and I miss him so much, and I'm so used to having him there to help look after things, especially with my mum being disabled. Now I don't know what to do at all.

    Has anyone got any advice at all?
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    I've been 'coping' with bereavement for the past 7 months and will come back and reply properly tomorrow...although, if you want to just message me before then that's fine too.
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    One month is very early - my mother died last year and I was very up and down for several months with it.

    There isn't really a simple feelgood solution - you've just got to get through it the best you are able and allow those nearest to you to support you imo.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My dad died very suddenly last month and I'm not sure I'm coping. In the week before the funeral I was doing really well - I was upset, but I was dealing with everything quite well. But instead of getting better, everything's getting worse. I feel frustrated and angry all the time, and obviously terribly sad as well. I've had two really horrible arguments with my boyfriend simply because he's about the only person that has any idea of how bad I'm feeling and I'm just taking it all out on him. I feel horrible - I don't want to do this to him because we love each other and I feel like if I keep acting like this, I'll destroy the relationship, because I'm just hurting him by being nasty and horrible.

    Everyone else thinks I'm coping really well and keeping really upbeat but I just can't tell anyone how I'm feeling, because other people are relying on me. I'm an only child and my mum is chronically ill, so I've got to keep everything together. I was so close to my dad and I miss him so much, and I'm so used to having him there to help look after things, especially with my mum being disabled. Now I don't know what to do at all.

    Has anyone got any advice at all?
    Most people before a funeral usually feel better than after - mostly because, they have so much to sort out that the business almost keeps their mind off the real issue; why the funeral is taking place.

    No doubt, the first few months are very hard. You really have to allow yourself to take time out and recover, as such. Obviously noone has real time for this in a busy world like today and I myself moved away to uni a month after my mum's death, only for two months down the line my grandpa to pass away aswell (hard end to last year).

    If anything, I know it might sound cliche but seeing a counsellor helped me. I got to a point at uni where I felt just terrible, and I was considering self harm again (haven't done it in years). I knew I needed to help myself and I figured that seeing someone would be a first port of call. I know a lot of people are skeptic about it, but just talking to a stranger and getting stuff off your chest can really help. Just having someone listen that wasn't a "biased" person was nice, and I felt like I wasn't being a burden to my old friends and especially the new ones I'd recently made at uni, and my boyfriend.

    If you want to talk about it, PM me
    • #2
    #2

    Having experienced a number of deaths close to me (one of which were extremely traumatic - my friend and his mother was murdered by his uncle) I can say that time is the best healer.
    Just take every day as it comes. I know how much it hurts, but please trust me when I say that you will feel better in time.
    You can return to normal life eventually - it just takes time. I will never forget my friend, but I have mostly recovered from the emotional pain which his untimely death caused me.

    I feel that you should explain to your boyfriend exactly how you are feeling. I always find that talking about my problems helps - bottling it up inside just eats me up and I can't continue with life.

    My condolences. I hope you feel better soon.
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    (Original post by staring.space)
    Most people before a funeral usually feel better than after - mostly because, they have so much to sort out that the business almost keeps their mind off the real issue; why the funeral is taking place.

    No doubt, the first few months are very hard. You really have to allow yourself to take time out and recover, as such. Obviously noone has real time for this in a busy world like today and I myself moved away to uni a month after my mum's death, only for two months down the line my grandpa to pass away aswell (hard end to last year).

    If anything, I know it might sound cliche but seeing a counsellor helped me. I got to a point at uni where I felt just terrible, and I was considering self harm again (haven't done it in years). I knew I needed to help myself and I figured that seeing someone would be a first port of call. I know a lot of people are skeptic about it, but just talking to a stranger and getting stuff off your chest can really help. Just having someone listen that wasn't a "biased" person was nice, and I felt like I wasn't being a burden to my old friends and especially the new ones I'd recently made at uni, and my boyfriend.

    If you want to talk about it, PM me
    Thanks, it's really hard to take time out at the moment. I messed up my exams over Christmas due to having glandular fever (bad start to this year!) and need to do well in May to make up for that fact. I have to keep going somehow at least until my exams are over.

    I have really mixed feelings about seeing a counsellor. It feels a bit like an admission of failure. On the other hand, I can't go on hurting my boyfriend (in particular) because it's really not helping our relationship and it's going to end up destroying it. I don't want to be without him, he's the most wonderful person, but no one is built to carry the weight of someone else's feelings, and no one should have to take my harsh, nasty words even if it is because I'm going through hell..

    Thanks, I might take you up on that offer
    • #1
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    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Having experienced a number of deaths close to me (one of which were extremely traumatic - my friend and his mother was murdered by his uncle) I can say that time is the best healer.
    Just take every day as it comes. I know how much it hurts, but please trust me when I say that you will feel better in time.
    You can return to normal life eventually - it just takes time. I will never forget my friend, but I have mostly recovered from the emotional pain which his untimely death caused me.

    I feel that you should explain to your boyfriend exactly how you are feeling. I always find that talking about my problems helps - bottling it up inside just eats me up and I can't continue with life.

    My condolences. I hope you feel better soon.
    Thanks for your kind words. The second argument happened last night, and I've taken the time today to try and articulate in more detail how I'm feeling. I just feel like it's not enough to justify the way I acted. Grief is driving me crazy, but surely I shouldn't want to hurt someone who's only trying to help me?
    • #2
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for your kind words. The second argument happened last night, and I've taken the time today to try and articulate in more detail how I'm feeling. I just feel like it's not enough to justify the way I acted. Grief is driving me crazy, but surely I shouldn't want to hurt someone who's only trying to help me?
    Different people react differently to grief. Some people tend to lash out at others. Some people cannot hide their sorrow at all. Some people are very good at hiding their emotions.
    Let your boyfriend know that you don't hate him at all and that you are finding it hard to cope and that lashing out at him is not his fault. If he has any kind of intelligence he will understand.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Different people react differently to grief. Some people tend to lash out at others. Some people cannot hide their sorrow at all. Some people are very good at hiding their emotions.
    Let your boyfriend know that you don't hate him at all and that you are finding it hard to cope and that lashing out at him is not his fault. If he has any kind of intelligence he will understand.
    This makes sense, thanks
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks, it's really hard to take time out at the moment. I messed up my exams over Christmas due to having glandular fever (bad start to this year!) and need to do well in May to make up for that fact. I have to keep going somehow at least until my exams are over.

    I have really mixed feelings about seeing a counsellor. It feels a bit like an admission of failure. On the other hand, I can't go on hurting my boyfriend (in particular) because it's really not helping our relationship and it's going to end up destroying it. I don't want to be without him, he's the most wonderful person, but no one is built to carry the weight of someone else's feelings, and no one should have to take my harsh, nasty words even if it is because I'm going through hell..

    Thanks, I might take you up on that offer
    Don't think about it in as being a failure - just a possible source of help at a time when it's very understandable that you'd need it.
    if you've at uni they should have a counselling service, clichéd as it sounds just sitting down and talking about stuff can be really helpful.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have really mixed feelings about seeing a counsellor. It feels a bit like an admission of failure. On the other hand, I can't go on hurting my boyfriend (in particular) because it's really not helping our relationship and it's going to end up destroying it. I don't want to be without him, he's the most wonderful person, but no one is built to carry the weight of someone else's feelings, and no one should have to take my harsh, nasty words even if it is because I'm going through hell..

    Thanks, I might take you up on that offer
    I don't know why people see counsellors as an admission of failure really - there's a reason why they have their job! People have perceptions of them being patronising, condescending and the like, and while there are propbably some out there like that, it's not usually the case. To me anyway, they are just someone I can talk to and I know it's confidential, and there's no risk of gossip, judgement or anything of the likes.

    And yeah, send me a PM if you want to talk more privately
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    Firstly, don't repress it, as it always comes around if you try that. The best thing would be to take a break for however long you need for bereavement. This can include a short break from your partner.
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    If you don't want to see a counsellor you don't have to, maybe you could talk to your mum/other family member or friend? I think what you're describing is perfectly normal and you just need to give it a bit of time before you'll start to feel 'normal' again. Btw I know everyone says 'give it time' but it's true. My mum died a few years ago and I thought I would never get over it but it does get easier (obviously it will still hurt, but you sort of live with it). And what you said about the funeral is so true. My grandmother died during my exams earlier this year so I had to get on with it and revise, but when it came to her funeral it all suddenly dawned on me and it was quite a shock. Don't worry about your boyfriend, maybe you need some time alone? It must be hard for him to see you upset and not be able to help but it will get better. You need to concentrate on yourself for a while. Don't let it eat you up, make sure you get help if you need it. You can pm me if you need a stranger to talk to. Have you spoken to anyone at school/uni to get extenuating circumstances for your exams? :hugs:
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    (Original post by staring.space)
    I don't know why people see counsellors as an admission of failure really - there's a reason why they have their job! People have perceptions of them being patronising, condescending and the like, and while there are propbably some out there like that, it's not usually the case. To me anyway, they are just someone I can talk to and I know it's confidential, and there's no risk of gossip, judgement or anything of the likes.

    And yeah, send me a PM if you want to talk more privately
    I just always think I should be strong enough to cope with anything. I don't know WHY I think that, I just do! But yeah, I should maybe look into it and see if I can get an appointment with the uni counsellor.



    (Original post by -honeybee-)
    If you don't want to see a counsellor you don't have to, maybe you could talk to your mum/other family member or friend? I think what you're describing is perfectly normal and you just need to give it a bit of time before you'll start to feel 'normal' again. Btw I know everyone says 'give it time' but it's true. My mum died a few years ago and I thought I would never get over it but it does get easier (obviously it will still hurt, but you sort of live with it). And what you said about the funeral is so true. My grandmother died during my exams earlier this year so I had to get on with it and revise, but when it came to her funeral it all suddenly dawned on me and it was quite a shock. Don't worry about your boyfriend, maybe you need some time alone? It must be hard for him to see you upset and not be able to help but it will get better. You need to concentrate on yourself for a while. Don't let it eat you up, make sure you get help if you need it. You can pm me if you need a stranger to talk to. Have you spoken to anyone at school/uni to get extenuating circumstances for your exams? :hugs:
    I don't really have anyone like that - I'm not close to my family, and they're not very "talky" people anyway. I'm very close to my parents but I can't talk to my mum because she's got enough to go through at the moment without me making things worse. I'm one of these people who likes to "fix" things and is very impatient, so it's really difficult for me when people say to give it time, even though I DO know it's true. I think I've just made the mistake of trying to get my life back on track far too quickly without giving myself the time I need to heal.

    I worry about my boyfriend because he's one of the few people I felt comfortable telling about how I feel, but this had the unfortunate side-effect of me taking quite a lot of these feelings out on him. I feel better with him around, most of the time, but I just feel like he must be so tired of putting up with me. Sigh. Thanks for all the advice though!

    Also, haven't spoken to anyone at the uni yet about anything (I'm a law student), because I got extenuating circumstances for my last set of exams in January (glandular fever). I probably should, but up until the last week or so I thought I was coping alright and that by exam time I wouldn't need them.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't really have anyone like that - I'm not close to my family, and they're not very "talky" people anyway. I'm very close to my parents but I can't talk to my mum because she's got enough to go through at the moment without me making things worse. I'm one of these people who likes to "fix" things and is very impatient, so it's really difficult for me when people say to give it time, even though I DO know it's true. I think I've just made the mistake of trying to get my life back on track far too quickly without giving myself the time I need to heal.

    I worry about my boyfriend because he's one of the few people I felt comfortable telling about how I feel, but this had the unfortunate side-effect of me taking quite a lot of these feelings out on him. I feel better with him around, most of the time, but I just feel like he must be so tired of putting up with me. Sigh. Thanks for all the advice though!

    Also, haven't spoken to anyone at the uni yet about anything (I'm a law student), because I got extenuating circumstances for my last set of exams in January (glandular fever). I probably should, but up until the last week or so I thought I was coping alright and that by exam time I wouldn't need them.
    Maybe a counsellor would be a good idea then? I know what you mean, I was the same but it's all you can really do. Maybe your mum wouldn't mind you talking to her? I'm sure she would rather that then know you'd been upset on your own. Even if all that happens is that you both end up crying it might be good to have someone to talk about your dad to. She might also not have anyone else to talk to.

    I'm sure things with your boyfriend will be fine, he will just want to help you, even if it feels like you are burdening him with your problems.

    You definately should talk to your uni. When my grandmother died in January, my personal tutor rearranged one of my exams so you will be able to get help. They can also put you in touch with the uni counsellor. The thing is even if you think you'll be ok, you don't know what will happen and the longer you leave it the harder it will be to get help. It's not just exams you have to consider but essays, as well as seminars/lectures (problems now will have an effect when it comes to revision). They won't say no just because you've already had extenuating circumstances before and you've definitely got a real 'excuse'. I've seen some people apply for special circumstances for relatively trivial reasons.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I just always think I should be strong enough to cope with anything. I don't know WHY I think that, I just do! But yeah, I should maybe look into it and see if I can get an appointment with the uni counsellor.
    It's worth a try. At the end of the day, it's free and it's your choice - if it's not for you then at least you know if you've been, and at least you've tried another option. I think anyone would understand if you choose to go.

    Let me know how you get on
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    OP when I had someone close to me pass away, it was horrible. On the day of one of her funerals I had to still go to sixth form to do my exams, I had three that day. I remember sitting there, an it was a really sunny day an I just stared out the window the whole time.

    Things all of a sudden just hit you, reality has a sharp bite. And sometimes you need the edge of reality taken off you to help you cope. If I were you I would find out if there is any help you can get with regards to your mums disability if it's physical or whatnot so it's not all on your shoulders for the timebeing? I really do recommend seeing a counsellor. It's been nearly two years since she passed away but I'm still struggling because her husband is causing hell for us so I'm going to start going back to counselling. It's a way of letting out all your thoughts and they know the right thing to say to you without you feeling like your just getting the generalised "I'm sorry to hear that " phrases. Good luck OP.
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    I'm very sorry to hear for your loss, OP.

    You mentioned in a post that you haven't spoke to anyone at your University yet - I would certainly advise you to speak to people. Do you have a supervisor?
    My mum was in hospital last year, which I found very difficult and upsetting - I felt as though I couldn't really speak to anyone about it because they had their own problems. I spoke to my supervisors and they were very helpful and pointed me in the right directions for seeking further support. I also got a note put in with my examinations. Losing your father must be extremely painful and hard to deal with, you're so strong putting on a front for others. But you need support for yourself.

    As for your boyfriend, he will understand - and if he's argued back it's only because he cares for you and is probably feels frustrated/helpless. Maybe you should talk to him about your arguments if you haven't already? Just to clear your mind so that you don't feel as though you have to be guilty or push yourself away from him.

    A counsellor would be another thing to try as others have said. By the sounds of things, it may be best for you to talk to someone who is outside of the situation - you might be able to open up more about your feelings to a stranger without being worried about being there for them.

    If you find it hard to talk to people, maybe you could start writing a diary? It might sound a little lame..but sometimes writing things down will help you face your thoughts more and help you to move forwards.

    I really hope you find the support you need, it must be a very hard time for you. We're all here for you too if you need to just get anything off your chest. Feel free to PM me *hugs*
 
 
 
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