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Uni, depression and confusion about relationships watch

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    This is probably going to sound so selfish on my half, I understand that. But truth be told I was scared for him.

    I met my ex-boyfriend during a college trip and we had been togetehr for nine months before we seperated.

    I didn't know this at the time, but a week before I met him, I failed some exams, and so the depression kicked in although I was hiding it. It caused me to stumble across a near eating disorder and I was always scared of what he would think of me everytime he even held my hand I was consious of what he might think.

    That summer, 2010, after meeting him in march, I was offered a job working in scotland for a company that would give me experiance for uni for the summer. I was reluctant to leave him, but I new I wasn't going to give up an opportinty like this and we would stay in contact all summer texts everyday and calls a few times a week. Post cards were sent and so on.

    I came back and felt as though I had matured so much, however, reciving summer exam results also added to my depression I did better than pervious, but I failed a geography exam that I worked hard for because I ran ou of time.

    After being away from him for almost eight weeks, I was once again concious about him touching me and comming close to me even kissing me.

    I managed to force it away and lock the reluctancy away but I began making excuses not to see him. Subconsiously I was so scared about what he thought of me I almost lost the person he told me he loved so much.

    January exams were in full swing and I went to scotland to visit my grandparents for the weekend, massive snow fall occured and I was stuck in the valley for the whole of christmas didn't see my parents or family. Internet connection was limited and phone signal was impossible.

    I contacted him when I could online, Told him I was sorry and how much I loved him. I came back from scotland with less than 12 hours before college started since we did our best to plough through the snow.

    When I came back I text him numerous times but truth is both of us are too bigger cowards to initiate the first move. He only replied and decided to find me when I was revising for a exam and came up with two of his friends-not even alone.

    During January we both knew we had to concentrate on exams so our contact was minimal unless he saw me in a coridoor and would romantically swoop in and kiss me before leaving me slightly shocked. I generally love him so much but I didn't realise until it was too late. I honestly didn't understand why anyone would think of me in this way, and doubted myself a lot.

    Exams finished and for some reason, my depression had turned for the worse. I would tense up automatically and pull away from him when he touched me, and he noticed this all through exams and thought it was down to that. I love him so much but was scared once again what he would think if I told him I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. Otehr things contributed to this depression such as family and so on not just exams.

    I became obsessed and reluctant to fail and would bury my head in books any chance I had. That was where he drew the line, we had broken up before, because I realised what I was doing and knew it wasn't fair to him, he could do so much better than me and I'd ratehr he would be happy.

    We broke up but not because we didn't love each other. He asked why I had pulled away, scared once again of what he would think, I told him the fact that we were in uni in a few months and going to be so far away subconciously made me put up causious signs and walls to block everything out because of an automatic response to hurt for us both in september.

    I cried, having never cried before, literally crying is something I am not suceptable to do normally he knew this and begged me not to cry and said that we would still be friends and so on.

    The next day, I was in a tutorial room he found me and we talked, but everywhere I moved he would pull the chair towards im and wrap his arms around me. I knew it was so so wrong for me to accept this, it wasn't fair on him to have to suffer again.

    Before college began we were kissing again and I was nearly crying, It hurt so much to have to pull away from him but I didn't want him to suufer the way he had for so long.

    For a few days we didn't speak, I wanted him to cool off and I wanted us both to realise that no matter how right it felt for us to be together, almost fate or down to 'quantum physics' as we would say. It wasn't fair to trap him, but I still used University as a excuse out of fear. Call me a coward, trust me I know I am.

    About two weeks of silence between the two of us, my thoughts pulled back to him, and I would try to avoid seeing him in college. So would he avoid seeing me

    I had been to teh doctors having lost so much weight in a year, from a size eight to a six, and weighing less than 6.8st was put on a cognitive behavioral theapry course and a nhs advice thing for eating disorders.

    Another week passed and I was finally getting control of myself, then I recived a text at 12.30 at night but I was asleep and recived it in the morning. It was my ex saying he still loved me. I replied saying I still loved him too and that it wouldn't change. But he was busy and so couldn't talk because he was with family in scotland.

    I left it then for him to return and as soon as I signed online, he says he still loves me and starts sayin all these things about how much he missed me and so on, more comments afterwards made me cry after what he said because I realised just how much I loved him and missed him too.

    He said about getting back together, it took me so much energy to say to him but it would hurt later on down the line (about uni) if we stayed together and became closer than we were. I hated lying to him, but I didn't want him to have to suffer because of me anymore. I screwed everyone around a lot when it came to feelings and emotions and so on, my boyfriend suffered the most.

    He asked if we could just have one night, to reconnect again. I wanted that so so much I sobbed for the rest of the night after saying no. He wold only get hurt and it wasn't his fault, he was too good to deserve me.

    Then it was my turn, I thought about him all the time, dreampt about him, everything reminded me of him in some way. I broke and text him saying should we not just enjoy the time we have left together before uni? I miss him so so much.

    He replied saying it was worth considering, and I sent a reply saying could we meet up to talk. No reply ever came and I figured he didn't want too. I didn't want to bug him, or annoy him since he had been through enough trouble from me already.

    Even though I had become better, due to realising that Uni wasn't everything and I had other options in life that were just as good, my depression lifted, don't get me wrong I'm not one hundred percent, but I'm better enough now to consider what if.

    Lately, I''ve been dreaming about the two of us alot, considering what if and the fact that it feels as if (may sounds dramatic) I'm going against nature not being with him. If that makes seense, or in our case against quantum physics.

    I generally do not know what to do. I love him so so much. I always will probably, we broke up on the 2nd of Feburary and its now the 20th of March. Time is going incredibly slow but its empty.

    Comic relief day came, and teh day before was dress like a cowboy day, my he dressed up and came around computer rooms staking buckets of money for comic relief and my heart stopped. I hadn't seen or spoken to him since we both avoided each other. I sound dramatic I know but seeing him that close, was painful.

    He came over having only three people be in this computer room and shook the bucket at me. I was astounded and so shocked and just threw a £5 note into teh bucket. I was dumb struck and lost for words, and just smield as best as I could without letting the true pain show.

    He left saying my name and thanking me before leaving. Even just hearing him say my name sent a shock trhough my system. I sound liek a idiot I know, I've never been able to connect with annyone of this magnitude before, not even family and I'm a highly secrective person hence the reason for all this screwed up mess.

    I have spoken to him, odd texts but he doesn't really reply to me as a friend, more a stranger, which hurts. I guess I deserve it all for what I have done to him. But the truth is I love him so much, and it hurts when I see things that remind me of him. I'm probably soundign incredibbly like a stalker here, but it can't be helped.

    A few days ago, on of his 'friends' added me on facebook I thought nothing of it and accepted. He began asking for my number and I made up exucses, I asked my ex if I had ever even met him before and he said no and to stay away from him. So I did. I politely as I could told him I was increddibly busy since for some reason my facebook will not elete any contact I have at all. So I have avoided going online. I did go online to check my messeges and the 'friend' asked me to go out with him. He knew I had just broken up with my boyfriend and he was jumping straigt in. I wanted nothing to do with it and turned him down. But he will not get the messege no matter how fake the excuses I make seem.

    My ex doesn't know this, I don't want to cause him hastle. But the very though of being with someone else, actually hurts. But I want him to be happy.

    I guess I just dont know what to do, its unfair to mess him around. I love him so much, yet I want to do what's best for him. I guess I just need guidence and I don't want to think what if and regret not trying later on down the line.

    Sorry for being so long winded, but there was a lot to say.

    Any help would be grreatful thanks for letting me bore you

    thanks for letting me bore you
    I wouldn't even worry about boring anybody, chances are everyone is just going to tell you it was too long to read.

    I'm really sorry but is there any way you could cut that done at least by half? You are not going to get any replies with it how it is.

    Pick a dream or a target, obsess over it, get it, and get a new dream/target. Repeat.

    This is life.

    People who pick 10 targets, chase after 5 at once then complain when they're confused and tired need to re-evaluate what they're doing.
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Updated: March 20, 2011
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