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    2 year relationship. Broke-up about 5 months ago (my choice). Found it really hard for a good while. A month ago slept together, and then did it again recently. I don't really know what's going on. I feel like it's wrong but it also seems to be good for me - it's somehow helped me to get over him faster - I've realised I'm not in love with him anymore and that we've both changed too much to work like we used to. I don't want to get back together but am enjoying this. I don't feel like it's changing my behaviour with him or with anyone else. Can something like this ever be healthy though? We don't see each other often and it feels like it can be harmless fun until either of us does find somebody else. I realise that might hurt a little, but I think that this won't make it that much more painful than it would be anyway.

    Thoughts? Should I really stop doing this or is it okay at this point?
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    It depends as well on the thoughts of your ex. Even if they say they could be doing it 'just for fun', they might just be saying that, especially if you were the one who ended the relationship. Personally, I say each to their own, and if you want to have sex with your ex then go for it. But you really need to talk to him and see how he feels about it all. You could find yourselfs falling into a routine that may be much harder to get out of than a relationship.
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    (Original post by choly7)
    It depends as well on the thoughts of your ex. Even if they say they could be doing it 'just for fun', they might just be saying that, especially if you were the one who ended the relationship. Personally, I say each to their own, and if you want to have sex with your ex then go for it. But you really need to talk to him and see how he feels about it all. You could find yourselfs falling into a routine that may be much harder to get out of than a relationship.
    Thank you - that makes a lot of sense
    I'm somehow a little wary of talking to him. This might sound strange, but it feels like what we're doing somehow belongs in the dark at nighttime, so that our daytime relations don't get affected by it.
    I've kind of assumed that he feels roughly the same - when we broke up I think he definitely was more in love with me, but as a guy he's found it a lot easier since to just ignore and forget about those feelings. I've been a little surprised (in our recent encounters) by realising that he doesn't seem to love me anymore and I think I'm right in noticing that
    I did worry vaguely about this becoming routine, but we have so few chances to do it that the possibility of that happening is limited - we live in different cities so don't see each other often, and it's only a possibility if parents/flatmates are away from home, which doesn't happen much anyway.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    2 year relationship. Broke-up about 5 months ago (my choice). Found it really hard for a good while. A month ago slept together, and then did it again recently. I don't really know what's going on. I feel like it's wrong but it also seems to be good for me - it's somehow helped me to get over him faster - I've realised I'm not in love with him anymore and that we've both changed too much to work like we used to. I don't want to get back together but am enjoying this. I don't feel like it's changing my behaviour with him or with anyone else. Can something like this ever be healthy though? We don't see each other often and it feels like it can be harmless fun until either of us does find somebody else. I realise that might hurt a little, but I think that this won't make it that much more painful than it would be anyway.

    Thoughts? Should I really stop doing this or is it okay at this point?
    From my own personal experience, it's not a good idea to sleep with an ex - old feelings can easily resurface, generally when you least expect them to. Not even necessarily on your part, but on his. Then, when the break-up (or whatever you want to call it) occurs, you run the risk of one person being resentful of being "dumped" for lack of a better word, and then friendship is not easily achieved.

    I reckon you run a real risk of falling for each other again when you sleep together - if you want to be friends after a break up, it is being slowed down by the two of you sleeping together, as you're constantly going to see each other in a different light.

    I reckon it's a bad plan, but again, that's just my opinion. It may work out for you - either way, if you're going to keep it up, make sure you both are aware it's just a sex thing - talk to him. Hope it works out well for you both.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    2 year relationship. Broke-up about 5 months ago (my choice). Found it really hard for a good while. A month ago slept together, and then did it again recently. I don't really know what's going on. I feel like it's wrong but it also seems to be good for me - it's somehow helped me to get over him faster - I've realised I'm not in love with him anymore and that we've both changed too much to work like we used to. I don't want to get back together but am enjoying this. I don't feel like it's changing my behaviour with him or with anyone else. Can something like this ever be healthy though? We don't see each other often and it feels like it can be harmless fun until either of us does find somebody else. I realise that might hurt a little, but I think that this won't make it that much more painful than it would be anyway.

    Thoughts? Should I really stop doing this or is it okay at this point?
    Just two things:
    - By sleeping with your ex, you are only making it less likely that you will meet someone and if you do, it will only be complicated and difficult. If you want to meet someone then just end this mess. If you're not that bothered and meeting someone is not that important, then so be it but you're only going to in a no man's land in terms of relationship status and sooner or later, you're going to have to break away and accept that you are a single girl with no complications. That's the only way you're going to make it likely that you'll meet someone and start a happy and enjoyable relationship.
    I've started seeing girls in the past and found out that they were still in the middle of ending things with their boyfriend but while still insisting that actually "it's totally finished". In the end, I've usually thought "I can't deal with this mess" and I'd rather find a girl who doesn't have some baggage, issues and crap that I have to deal with.

    - If you are seeing this as a stop-gap, how do you feel about him meeting someone next week? How do you feel about him sleeping with someone at the same time as you? Surely if you're totally over him and what is going on is "nothing", surely you can't be expecting some mutual exclusivity clause?
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    (Original post by choly7)
    It depends as well on the thoughts of your ex. Even if they say they could be doing it 'just for fun', they might just be saying that, especially if you were the one who ended the relationship. Personally, I say each to their own, and if you want to have sex with your ex then go for it. But you really need to talk to him and see how he feels about it all. You could find yourselfs falling into a routine that may be much harder to get out of than a relationship.
    A very good description of such a situation.

    I've met girls and when asking them if they have a boyfriend, the answer has been "no but I'm seeing someone but not really, but it's complicated". I now know to run a mile or to just consider them for something casual (such girls then wonder why they can't get into a proper relationship...). In the past, I've been foolish enough to show such girls attention. Now I really can't be bothered.
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    (Original post by SamTheMan)

    - If you are seeing this as a stop-gap, how do you feel about him meeting someone next week? How do you feel about him sleeping with someone at the same time as you? Surely if you're totally over him and what is going on is "nothing", surely you can't be expecting some mutual exclusivity clause?
    I have wondered about this myself. As it's not happened, I can only think two things.
    a. the minute either of us has anything with someone else, we would stop doing this. We respect each other enough to be open and honest and to recognise that neither of us might want to be additional to sex got elsehwere.
    b. I might even be okay with it (if it was a one-off thing, obviously not if it was a proper ongoing relationship). Obviously I can't know this until it happens.

    I don't think either of us see this as mutually exclusive in a permanent sense as it is, just that we should let each other know if anything else with anybody else does happen as obviously informed choices are best.

    I also understand what you say about being wholly single. The point I'm at in my life really means there's no point forming a new relationship for at least the next six months though (as I'll be moving city then), so for the time being I don't think any chances of mine are being held back.

    I don't think my ex is likely to find anybody anytime soon either. If I realised he was interested in another girl, properly, I think I would feel a bit sad (but because of our past relationship, not because of this) but let go so he could go for it
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    (Original post by SamTheMan)
    I've met girls and when asking them if they have a boyfriend, the answer has been "no but I'm seeing someone but not really, but it's complicated". I now know to run a mile or to just consider them for something casual (such girls then wonder why they can't get into a proper relationship...). In the past, I've been foolish enough to show such girls attention. Now I really can't be bothered.
    Also, I don't think that if I met someone I was interested in I would ever describe myself as 'seeing someone' :P If I was into someone, I would immediately stop the situation with my ex as I would be able to prioritise in terms of the happiness a potential new relationship could offer me v the pleasure I occassionally get from sleeping with my ex.
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    As long as you understand that sleeping with him does not mean there is a chance of you and him getting back together or that he is still a 'part of you'. So many of my friends don't see this before sleeping with their ex's, few months down the line they feel even worse because they thought sleeping with him meant that some part of him was still with them.
    Each to their own but as long as you both are clear of where you stand and know where the sleeping together is heading. In most cases, people end up hurt and broken up about sleeping around with their ex more than how bad they felt when the relationship ended...
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    Op sounds like a bad idea.
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    (Original post by Goody2Shoes-x)
    From my own personal experience, it's not a good idea to sleep with an ex - old feelings can easily resurface, generally when you least expect them to. Not even necessarily on your part, but on his. Then, when the break-up (or whatever you want to call it) occurs, you run the risk of one person being resentful of being "dumped" for lack of a better word, and then friendship is not easily achieved.

    I reckon you run a real risk of falling for each other again when you sleep together - if you want to be friends after a break up, it is being slowed down by the two of you sleeping together, as you're constantly going to see each other in a different light.

    I reckon it's a bad plan, but again, that's just my opinion. It may work out for you - either way, if you're going to keep it up, make sure you both are aware it's just a sex thing - talk to him. Hope it works out well for you both.
    Thanks for your advice
    I have no idea what this will do to our friendship, but I hope that it won't alter it for the worse. One thing I'm worried about is that I'm trying to regain the old him I can connect with by doing this. We've both changed so much and when I see him around others he's not a person I particularly like anymore, but when we're together alone it's lovely. It's not that I still love him or want him as a boyfriend, it's just that I enjoy seeing that side of him. I know that's bad But I've found it easier to be friends with in a normal sense since we slept together than before we had, and it doesn't seem to be complicated by this. We are both aware of the boundaries - there are things that we don't say that we would have said when we were together etc.
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    (Original post by DeepStar)
    As long as you understand that sleeping with him does not mean there is a chance of you and him getting back together or that he is still a 'part of you'. So many of my friends don't see this before sleeping with their ex's, few months down the line they feel even worse because they thought sleeping with him meant that some part of him was still with them.
    Each to their own but as long as you both are clear of where you stand and know where the sleeping together is heading. In most cases, people end up hurt and broken up about sleeping around with their ex more than how bad they felt when the relationship ended...
    I definitely don't feel like this means that he's a part of me
    It literally started for purely physical reasons - hadn't had sex since we broke up and quite fancied it. I think we both see this as something fun but temporary and meaningful only in the moment.
    I think that because this is so infrequent, because we live in different cities, we can't have any regular pattern of expectations so that should mean there isn't a particularly visibible ending to this which will hurt. This just sometimes happens when we do see each other and the circumstances are right - it's certainly not pre-planned. That should mean that it doesn't come to an abrupt end that hurts someone, just that it phases out.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you - that makes a lot of sense
    I'm somehow a little wary of talking to him. This might sound strange, but it feels like what we're doing somehow belongs in the dark at nighttime, so that our daytime relations don't get affected by it.
    I've kind of assumed that he feels roughly the same - when we broke up I think he definitely was more in love with me, but as a guy he's found it a lot easier since to just ignore and forget about those feelings. I've been a little surprised (in our recent encounters) by realising that he doesn't seem to love me anymore and I think I'm right in noticing that
    I did worry vaguely about this becoming routine, but we have so few chances to do it that the possibility of that happening is limited - we live in different cities so don't see each other often, and it's only a possibility if parents/flatmates are away from home, which doesn't happen much anyway.
    I do get what you mean! Though just because it doesn't happen frequently doesn't mean it can't turn into a routine. I personally wouldn't get into it simply because theres a fine line between the old feelings and the new ones, and you never know how you're gonna end up feeling. I think next time you see him you should just bring it up, and explain that you like the situation you've got, and that you hope he feels the same about it being just sex, and if not then to tell you then. That way he has the chance to tell you how he really feels if he wants to, and if he does lie to you, then at least you shouldn't feel guilty if it does go wrong.
    The way you've decribed it as being the nighttime thing, and not the daytime, does sound like a normal 'friends with benefits' situation. I hope it turns out alright
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for your advice
    I have no idea what this will do to our friendship, but I hope that it won't alter it for the worse. One thing I'm worried about is that I'm trying to regain the old him I can connect with by doing this. We've both changed so much and when I see him around others he's not a person I particularly like anymore, but when we're together alone it's lovely. It's not that I still love him or want him as a boyfriend, it's just that I enjoy seeing that side of him. I know that's bad But I've found it easier to be friends with in a normal sense since we slept together than before we had, and it doesn't seem to be complicated by this. We are both aware of the boundaries - there are things that we don't say that we would have said when we were together etc.
    Wow, this could be me a few months ago. Spooky.

    I got BIG alarm signals when I read "around others he's not a person I particularly like anymore, but when we're together alone it's lovely". That is my ex personified. I'm sorry, but DO NOT FALL FOR IT.

    Likelihood is he has changed, the side he has around his friends that you don't like is the real him. So sleeping with him to try and regain the sense of the old him is a bad idea, as it's giving him the impression that no matter how much of an a$$hole he is, people will put up with it. There is a real, REAL danger here that you could end up falling for the "real" him, and end up as his bit on the side.

    I know it sounds unbelievable, but I thought the exact same thing a few months ago, and although I did not become his bit on the side, I DID waste my time sleeping with him, and believing him over others' advice, and generally acting like a fool.

    Tbh, the signals all round are looking bad, and in my opinion it may be better to cut this no strings sex thing now, and save a lot of problems later on.

    PM me if you want to go into more depth, I'd be happy to talk to you about this.
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    As previous posts have stated theres nothing wrong with a bit of sex with the ex as long as you know very well in your own mind that your not going to get back with him .Remember this, the majority of men are different when it comes to sex we can do it and it doesent mean nothing , whereas in my experience with regards to most females but not all , they catch feelings even when you have stated that this is just sex and not love and guess what he ends up the bad guy for being honest! So if your sure this is what you want go ahead sex is the most wonderful and pleasurable thing so dont feel guilty about it just dont end up all bitter and twisted when he tells you hes had enough and wants to see other people.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Also, I don't think that if I met someone I was interested in I would ever describe myself as 'seeing someone' :P If I was into someone, I would immediately stop the situation with my ex as I would be able to prioritise in terms of the happiness a potential new relationship could offer me v the pleasure I occassionally get from sleeping with my ex.
    I understand you not wanting a relationship right now if you are moving city then maybe having this kind of relationship with your ex, although it's not necessarily healthy, can be seen as a way to pass the time but you should probably recognise that.
    I see too many people making these choices then wanting their cake and to eat it too and then getting frustrated when they realise it's not working as it should do, in theory.

    You may not realise it but if you are sleeping with your ex, you are not really single in more ways than one. Just the way you are around other guys will be influenced subconsciously by the fact that you are sleeping with another guy.

    It's also naive (although I hear plenty of people attempt to do so) to think that you can just hide the fact from anyone you meet.
    Sure you can do that but then you start a relationship off with dishonesty.

    Also from experience, it's not always easy to know when to "cut off". You meet someone really nice who you're attracted to. Do you stop sleeping with your ex then moment you see this guy, the moment you speak to him, the moment you think he might be interested, the moment you think there might be something that could happen between you, the moment you go out on a date if you do, the moment you sleep with him? The fact is, you can't know for certain when and if you will have a proper relationship until much later.

    To be honest, I'd be particularly annoyed/upset if I found out that my girlfriend had been sleeping with her ex when we first met and we were having our first "moments".

    Despite what people say, girls are sometimes a lot more cerebral than men and think more with their head: they'll state "but I had ended things with him, by the time we were official so that means I'm not a **** and since not being a **** is the most important thing in life, that means I've done nothing wrong". The fact is, there are no rules and when you upset someone, you upset them, no matter what rule you try to present.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I definitely don't feel like this means that he's a part of me
    It literally started for purely physical reasons - hadn't had sex since we broke up and quite fancied it. I think we both see this as something fun but temporary and meaningful only in the moment.
    I think that because this is so infrequent, because we live in different cities, we can't have any regular pattern of expectations so that should mean there isn't a particularly visibible ending to this which will hurt. This just sometimes happens when we do see each other and the circumstances are right - it's certainly not pre-planned. That should mean that it doesn't come to an abrupt end that hurts someone, just that it phases out.
    Just because you think the chances of getting hurt are slim doesn't mean you won't get hurt but maybe I'm being too cautious I do think its good that you have thought ahead about it and are prepared for anything that may or may not happen.
    As long as you are sure that you won't get hurt (we dont want that ) and its fun for you both then I can give you my blessings
 
 
 
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