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What is wrong with me? LONG but help please :( watch

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    I'm in first year at uni and I feel really lonely and depressed. I have friends around me most of the time but even when they're with me, talking away, I just don't feel happy.

    I went to a lecture the other day sitting in a row with my friends and I nearly burst into tears. I would be in my room, sitting at my desk doing work and then all of a sudden I would just burst into tears. Last week I just cried non-stop for 2 hours before I went to sleep.

    I'm beginning to understand why I'm starting to feel so down. I hardly have any self-confidence or esteem and i'm full of self-doubt and always put myself down. I get scared and insecure talking to people, worrying about everything.

    I had a really rubbish childhood and now that im at uni I find myself thinking about it all the more now since i'm away from home and its making me depressed/tearful thinking about it. From when i was about 5 or 6 years old, my parents would argue nearly every day in the evening, violently fighting with each other (would involve blood, tearing hair, my dad would drag my mum along the floor into my room by her hair so that I can see), swearing at each other, all in front of me. Police would have to come to stop it (called by one of my parents), I would go to bed shaking out of worry, sometimes i would even get involved in their fights trying to break them apart but I wouldn't succeed. I would then have school the next day. Sometimes I would burst into tears at school and people would wonder why and I would never tell them. (I also got bullied in school in primary.) This fighting would go on until i was about 15 years old, happening nearly every week, and then my parents finally split up. My parents are still hostile, and I feel torn between them. I love them both so much but they've never really talked to me about what used to happen. I feel like it's starting to affect me now I'm at uni.

    Even after my parents divorced, I was left with my mum. My mum is an angry and depressed person and blames it on her bad life (sometimes she's scarily friendly/almost obsessed with me) and when i lived with her she would take her moods out on me, shouting at me, insulting me, telling me she wishes I was never born, that I'm a burden to her, that I resemble my dad, swearing etc....sometimes she would be shouting abuse all night (all the neighbours hearing). I would get so angry when she would come into my room when i was trying to sleep shouting and insulting at the top of her voice - I would start having panic attacks in the middle of her abuse sessions. When I was about 6-10 years old, she would make sure I studied loads too so that I do well at school and if i ever got anything wrong she would hit me round the head. When I got to 12 she would stop with the hitting. when my parents split i would tell my dad about her and he would say he understands where i'm coming from as he dealt with it when he was married to her. I would go through dark phases where I would feel so down but my mum would keep pushing with her abuse. When I was doing AS exams she would tell me I don't deserve success and she wished I would fail on the nights before my exams. I used to think I hated her and that I couldn't wait to get out to uni...

    I get to uni. Before, and still now, my mum is saying how she's so lonely without me, that she misses me. she visits me bringing food and is all lovely. I go back for holidays and she's then back to the same with her shouting but luckily i'm not there as much anymore.

    But now at uni memories are starting to flood back to me, I flashback to all those horrible memories ^ , i remember things so clearly. I would be at my desk at uni like now and start crying non-stop. I was watching a TV programme the other day, and one of the characters was having a panic attack (like what i used to get) and for the whole night i cried, thinking about my mum etc. I feel very insecure as a person with low confidence and esteem, quite socially anxious, sometimes withdraw from social situations. I worry people hate me at uni or dont like me and all these feeling build up during the day(S) and by the evening I start crying. I would go through phases though - sometimes I would feel confident for a few days and then go back to my insecure shy self. I get a lot of guy attention at uni and i just try to hide away from it ignoring boys as I just don't feel happy enough/confident enough to embrace it.

    I don't know what to do - i have considered counselling but I'm scared that the people will judge me/gossip about me to people who may end up knowing me or something. I'm ashamed of my past and i dont want people thinking i'm a messed up and boring loser with a rubbish family who just sits in her room studying all day. I just feel so trapped and I wish I could be happy all day every day not just for 10% of my day.

    Sorry to ramble...... thought I should get everything out... If you managed to read everything I thank you
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    Go get counselling, serious. Just don't tell people about it, you don't have too. You'd be surprised how many people get it anyway! Plus nobody will care if you are, it won't be some hot gossip topic.

    I got some, and though my issues aren't anywhere near as what you have portrayed, it made a world of difference. It's as simple as that op. Depression is not a personality trait. It needs treating like any other other illness. Go get counselling and get your life on track.

    Ben
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    What a nightmare I would definately reccomend counsiling, a lot of universities offer it, and it really is all confidential- they aren't going to judge you, and they won't gossip either. To have gone through so much for so long must have been/be so difficult! I really hope that everything starts to get better!
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    I really recommend counselling, seriously, you can just talk and talk and get everything off your chest and the counsellor can discuss ways in which you can view the past and how to use it constructively to be able to be more positive. If your GP thinks it's right to do so, they can prescribe your anti-depressants to just take the edge off to help you get through day to day life, although I can't personally recommend them as they didn't have any effect on me whatsoever but it's different for everyone. Good luck! Remember you have your whole life ahead of you so much to look forward to!
 
 
 
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