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How did you escape abuse? watch

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    Hi please keep anonymous.

    Sorry this is long.

    If you have ever been through abuse, how did you escape it and deal with it? Did you ever escape it and deal with it?

    I am asking because I am 18 years old and ever since I was young I've been through abuse. I was physically abused up until the age of 12 but I've had threats in the past so I know it could happen again, and I still go through verbal and emotional abuse. Last year I tried to kill myself because of what had gone on and so I was hospitalised and a refferal was made to the social services and I wrote to the social worker a letter about what has been going on in the family and the atmosphere of fear and hostility behind closed doors. She said that she needed to do a home assessment but my parents were being uncooperative and dimissive with her, and she eventually closed the case partly because of this, but because of 'section 47' law.

    I will be going away to university in a few months, but I don't think I can entirely rely on this because I don't know if I will get the grades to get onto the course I want to study. I want to move away eventually and keep my distance and escape. My other worry is my siblings. They are at risk and when I wrote the letter the social worker acknowledged this but since she closed the case telling her that I thought she should reopen it, but I she said that she couldn't reopen it and that if I wanted to I would have to make another referal. At the moment I am seeking counselling at a local counselling service for young people in my borough but I am on the waiting list. I am also rearching assertiveness training, CBT and other forms of help in order to deal with what I am going through.

    How do I get away? How did you get away and deal it?

    Please help.
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    I suffered years of abuse at the hands of my ex-boyfriend. Till I literally walked away and kept walking. After I left I got help from women's aid and the local police force, to whom I am eternally grateful. A very good friend, now my boyfriend, helped me through it emotionally, but it was a very difficult thing to do.

    I realise my situation is different from yours, but I didn't want to read and leave. I hope the fact that I got away and am now living a life a thousand times better than I could have dreamed might bring you a little bit of hope. If I can be of any help at all please do not hesitate to PM me.
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    This is no help to you OP, and I'm sorry and truly hope you find a solution, but: how ****ing disgusting that your case was closed. What a shambles of a system.
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    (Original post by in_vogue)
    This is no help to you OP, and I'm sorry and truly hope you find a solution, but: how ****ing disgusting that your case was closed. What a shambles of a system.
    I agree with what you are saying. This is the third time the case has been closed and now I am lacking in trust in the Social Services, as I am getting the impression that that they don't want to take on the case. What's the point? Maybe there is another way... :confused:
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    #2

    I cut contact with the abusive family member and after several years of me not responding to any communication I think he's given up. I also attended counselling which helped a lot to talk out all of my issues and I've learnt more to focus on the now instead of the past and the fact that I've been strong enough to deal with it. I don't know that I'll ever 100% escape it mentally, particularly because my case was also closed, but I don't wanna let it ruin my life.
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    (Original post by Vohamanah)
    I suffered years of abuse at the hands of my ex-boyfriend. Till I literally walked away and kept walking. After I left I got help from women's aid and the local police force, to whom I am eternally grateful. A very good friend, now my boyfriend, helped me through it emotionally, but it was a very difficult thing to do.

    I realise my situation is different from yours, but I didn't want to read and leave. I hope the fact that I got away and am now living a life a thousand times better than I could have dreamed might bring you a little bit of hope. If I can be of any help at all please do not hesitate to PM me.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I cut contact with the abusive family member and after several years of me not responding to any communication I think he's given up. I also attended counselling which helped a lot to talk out all of my issues and I've learnt more to focus on the now instead of the past and the fact that I've been strong enough to deal with it. I don't know that I'll ever 100% escape it mentally, particularly because my case was also closed, but I don't wanna let it ruin my life.
    Thanks for your responses. But what would be the best way to escape, seeing as my parents (who happen to be the abusers) are from a culture where family is considered to be a massivley important thing?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for your responses. But what would be the best way to escape, seeing as my parents (who happen to be the abusers) are from a culture where family is considered to be a massivley important thing?
    If the abuser was a family member then I'd still cut contact, regardless of whether I'd be looked down on/disowned by other family members or not. I don't have contact with my father's side of the family and I don't regret it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi please keep anonymous.

    Sorry this is long.

    If you have ever been through abuse, how did you escape it and deal with it? Did you ever escape it and deal with it?

    I am asking because I am 18 years old and ever since I was young I've been through abuse. I was physically abused up until the age of 12 but I've had threats in the past so I know it could happen again, and I still go through verbal and emotional abuse. Last year I tried to kill myself because of what had gone on and so I was hospitalised and a refferal was made to the social services and I wrote to the social worker a letter about what has been going on in the family and the atmosphere of fear and hostility behind closed doors. She said that she needed to do a home assessment but my parents were being uncooperative and dimissive with her, and she eventually closed the case partly because of this, but because of 'section 47' law.

    I will be going away to university in a few months, but I don't think I can entirely rely on this because I don't know if I will get the grades to get onto the course I want to study. I want to move away eventually and keep my distance and escape. My other worry is my siblings. They are at risk and when I wrote the letter the social worker acknowledged this but since she closed the case telling her that I thought she should reopen it, but I she said that she couldn't reopen it and that if I wanted to I would have to make another referal. At the moment I am seeking counselling at a local counselling service for young people in my borough but I am on the waiting list. I am also rearching assertiveness training, CBT and other forms of help in order to deal with what I am going through.

    How do I get away? How did you get away and deal it?

    Please help.
    You should not be looking to escape or dealing with it all right now, you are not in such a position to do so and will only make regretful mistakes. You will be able to resolve all of these problems and the root causes all in good time, right now, you need to focus on your studies and career path. Think about your siblings, you can save them, so don't make any hasty moves.

    I'd recommend that you give your life a new meaning and purpose, focus on your education, strive to be the best you can and prepare for a financially secure future and career - it is the only way you will ever be able to escape your past life and secure a decent future for yourself and for your siblings. Do it for your siblings at least. What's more, when you're at this stage, you will should you wish, be able to face your childhood demons without risk of losing anything else.

    It's a long road ahead, education is your best weapon and it'll make or break you - don't give up, work hard and make it happen. You can still turn things around, don't let people walk all over you and certainly don't look towards ending your life over a bunch of abusive ***** - you should be looking to end their lives instead if anything, would you honestly rather prefer yourself to die or a bunch of abusive ***** to die? (I'm not actually saying to go kill them lol - but seriously, you'd be leaving your siblings by themselves and vulnerable, they could be next). You're out for you and your siblings - no one else matters, don't let anyone take that away from you.
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    hmm, well, i don't think i really did anything. i just never got abused, even when i abused the **** out of all those people. man, i hope they didn't get mental illnesses or nothin'.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Final Fantasy)
    You should not be looking to escape or dealing with it all right now, you are not in such a position to do so and will only make regretful mistakes. You will be able to resolve all of these problems and the root causes all in good time, right now, you need to focus on your studies and career path. Think about your siblings, you can save them, so don't make any hasty moves.

    I'd recommend that you give your life a new meaning and purpose, focus on your education, strive to be the best you can and prepare for a financially secure future and career - it is the only way you will ever be able to escape your past life and secure a decent future for yourself and for your siblings. Do it for your siblings at least. What's more, when you're at this stage, you will should you wish, be able to face your childhood demons without risk of losing anything else.

    It's a long road ahead, education is your best weapon and it'll make or break you - don't give up, work hard and make it happen. You can still turn things around, don't let people walk all over you and certainly don't look towards ending your life over a bunch of abusive ***** - you should be looking to end their lives instead if anything, would you honestly rather prefer yourself to die or a bunch of abusive ***** to die? (I'm not actually saying to go kill them lol - but seriously, you'd be leaving your siblings by themselves and vulnerable, they could be next). You're out for you and your siblings - no one else matters, don't let anyone take that away from you.
    Thanks. That's why I've always worked hard at school, because I realised from a young age that education would somehow be a way out of my misery. I understand what you are saying about suicide and that I shouldn't committ, but with the way I have been treated I have always felt that I should never have been born and that I'd rather be dead because I could escape it and be safe. I have always felt as though I was born into the wrong family and I have always felt worthless and extremely miserable.

    I understand what you are saying about hasty decisions. For me I really want to focus on my studies and try to get into university and go as far away as possible, I don't want to rush into anything, but I can't stand back and do nothing any longer, as I can't take what's going on anymore and everyone else in the family just want to turn a blind eye and blame me.
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    Can anyone else help? I need more responses in order to work out what to do.
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    If it was me, I would try cut all emotional ties with the family so their abuse doesn't hurt, carry on with your A levels? Until you can go to uni, and probably not look back.

    I saw you wrote you're from a culture where family is important, that works both ways, it doesn't sound like they value you, they're not worth it, no one deserves abuse at any level and especially family, they're supposed to love you unconditionally, if they cannot, I'm sorry, but in my book they aren't family.
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    (Original post by hazelsaurus)
    If it was me, I would try cut all emotional ties with the family so their abuse doesn't hurt, carry on with your A levels? Until you can go to uni, and probably not look back.

    I saw you wrote you're from a culture where family is important, that works both ways, it doesn't sound like they value you, they're not worth it, no one deserves abuse at any level and especially family, they're supposed to love you unconditionally, if they cannot, I'm sorry, but in my book they aren't family.
    Thanks for your response.

    I have only got a few months until I finnish my A Levels completely, then if I get the grades then I will be off to university in September and I will be moving out of university. I am very worried because I have been struggling with my A Levels since I started A2 and I've have so many exams (8) in the summer, and I want to get good grades. I don't want to miss out on university this year and spend an extra year living with my parents, I don't know how much I can take living in a house in an atmosphere of fear and uncertainty.

    I understand what you are saying about cutting my family off, but I was considering limiting contact with my parents. I am worried that if I cut them off completely, I wont be able to see my siblings or cousins, and that's not what I want, it's not fair on them.

    I understand what you are saying about family. My family go on about respecting your elders and trust and things like that, but I feel so disrespected with the way I've been treated. I can't trust them, I can't respect them anymore, and it's like I am expected to let anyone older than me talk down to me like ****. It's like I am expected to be a pushover, and a scapegoat for the way others are treating me. I don't feel like the house I live in is a home, and I feel as though my parents are sperm and egg donors and are providers. I don't love them, I feel nothing for them.

    Sorry for the long response to your post but I had to let it all out.
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    #1

    I feel so miserable about what's going on, and I feel so stuck. I really wish i wasn't born. I hate myself. I hate my life. I'm focusing on my exams and sorting out uni but I need to get away eventually.

    Please help.

    :cry:
    • #3
    #3

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I feel so miserable about what's going on, and I feel so stuck. I really wish i wasn't born. I hate myself. I hate my life. I'm focusing on my exams and sorting out uni but I need to get away eventually.

    Please help.

    :cry:
    Please do not hate yourself.

    I don't know why you do. But you have been incredibly strong to keep yourself together through all of it and still making plans for your life. You should be so so proud of yourself, to have gotten this far, and to not seek any kind of payback. You are better than your abusers, and you shouldn't forget that.

    I was abused by family members from the time I was 6/7 till I was 12, at which time I left the country, and escaped from it all. I am from a country where family is "the most important thing" too. Younger people are not allowed to talk back. I even wrote about my abuse in a diary, which was opened and read after I'd left the country. Funny thing is, my grandmother was the one who read it, and didn't believe what I wrote. WTF, why would I lie in my own diary. But anyway, that is not the issue.

    I don't often go back to visit my home country, but when I do, I have to face my abusers. I do my best to ignore them at family gatherings, and make my appearance brief. I guess, for you that is more difficult, as they are your immediate family members.

    I don't think I have ever quite dealt with the abuse fully. I have just learned to accept it as part of my life. When I was 16, I was very lucky to meet someone to whom I could speak about my childhood in every detail. That person helped me so much, in understanding that none of it was my fault, nor ever will be. He told me I had incredible strength to have held it in for so many years, and to have coped so well. So now I would like to tell you the same. It is inevitable that you will feel sad about it for the years to come, but it doesn't have to make you feel scared, or doubtful about who you are.

    I thing the most important thing for you right now is to focus on your studies. Once you get in, there are facilities at uni where you can speak to counsellors about your problems, and they will help you deal with your past abuse. For now, you just have to know that you can do it. When you graduate, you will have your own life, completely separate and independent from them. You can always go back home to see your siblings and cousins, but instead of staying in, go out so you can be away from your parents!

    I am glad I got away from it all, and that the experience has taught me to be a stronger person and cope with many other nasty things in life. Right now, my life is exactly how I want it to be, and there is no reason why you couldn't have the life you want. If you would like to have a chat privately about my personal experience, quote me and I will reply!
    • #1
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please do not hate yourself.

    I don't know why you do. But you have been incredibly strong to keep yourself together through all of it and still making plans for your life. You should be so so proud of yourself, to have gotten this far, and to not seek any kind of payback. You are better than your abusers, and you shouldn't forget that.

    I was abused by family members from the time I was 6/7 till I was 12, at which time I left the country, and escaped from it all. I am from a country where family is "the most important thing" too. Younger people are not allowed to talk back. I even wrote about my abuse in a diary, which was opened and read after I'd left the country. Funny thing is, my grandmother was the one who read it, and didn't believe what I wrote. WTF, why would I lie in my own diary. But anyway, that is not the issue.

    I don't often go back to visit my home country, but when I do, I have to face my abusers. I do my best to ignore them at family gatherings, and make my appearance brief. I guess, for you that is more difficult, as they are your immediate family members.

    I don't think I have ever quite dealt with the abuse fully. I have just learned to accept it as part of my life. When I was 16, I was very lucky to meet someone to whom I could speak about my childhood in every detail. That person helped me so much, in understanding that none of it was my fault, nor ever will be. He told me I had incredible strength to have held it in for so many years, and to have coped so well. So now I would like to tell you the same. It is inevitable that you will feel sad about it for the years to come, but it doesn't have to make you feel scared, or doubtful about who you are.

    I thing the most important thing for you right now is to focus on your studies. Once you get in, there are facilities at uni where you can speak to counsellors about your problems, and they will help you deal with your past abuse. For now, you just have to know that you can do it. When you graduate, you will have your own life, completely separate and independent from them. You can always go back home to see your siblings and cousins, but instead of staying in, go out so you can be away from your parents!

    I am glad I got away from it all, and that the experience has taught me to be a stronger person and cope with many other nasty things in life. Right now, my life is exactly how I want it to be, and there is no reason why you couldn't have the life you want. If you would like to have a chat privately about my personal experience, quote me and I will reply!
    Hi thanks for your response. I can't help but feel as though I really should not have been born. I guess your lucky to have been able to get away from it, which country were you living in before? And who are you living with now? It's very good that your away and your strong, I wish I could feel that way, and I am even considering permanently moving to another city in England or to another country, a bit much I know, I want to get away, but I love London too much. I am going away for university though.

    I can understand what your grandma is saying, people don't like to admit when they done something serious but this happened to you and it's good that you are not in denial just because of them. You say you felt you never dealt with it properly, and of course you cannot forget it. Have you thought about having counselling, or any other kind of help? That guy you spoke to was very good, it's nice to be able to speak to someone who listens and understands and doesn't judge you or deny anything. I have told a few people privately about the abuse and they are trying to help me in the best way that they can.
    • #3
    #3

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi thanks for your response. I can't help but feel as though I really should not have been born. I guess your lucky to have been able to get away from it, which country were you living in before? And who are you living with now? It's very good that your away and your strong, I wish I could feel that way, and I am even considering permanently moving to another city in England or to another country, a bit much I know, I want to get away, but I love London too much. I am going away for university though.

    I can understand what your grandma is saying, people don't like to admit when they done something serious but this happened to you and it's good that you are not in denial just because of them. You say you felt you never dealt with it properly, and of course you cannot forget it. Have you thought about having counselling, or any other kind of help? That guy you spoke to was very good, it's nice to be able to speak to someone who listens and understands and doesn't judge you or deny anything. I have told a few people privately about the abuse and they are trying to help me in the best way that they can.
    I was living in South East Asia before I came to the UK. I lived with my mum for a while, but have been living alone since university.

    The person I spoke to was a trained psychiatrist. To be honest, I can't see myself seeking any more help than I already have, because the abuse no longer affects me. I'm not sure if I have gotten "closure" as people call it, but I am not really bothered anymore that this happened to me. It's a sad thing when people are abused, but I made the decision to not let it affect my future or hinder me in anyway. It's a cliché, but I guess time really does heal all wounds. I hope you will realise this in time too.

    London is a big place, big enough for you to be away from whatever and whoever you don't want to see. You may not see it now, but you are strong, and when you look back in the future, you will realise it It sounds like you have people who care about you and who you can trust, which is a really nice thing. You shouldn't base your life value on the bad things only. I'm sure there are plenty of good things in your life for you to focus on and be proud of. I know the bad stuff might overshadows all that right now, but you should try to think about the good things, and try to keep yourself happy. There are plenty of people who appreciate you, and your being here; those who don't are only missing out.

    I am not really sure what kind of abuse you are going through (verbal, physical etc) so I am finding it hard to say anything specific. But it is up to you to evaluate yourself and your achievements. You should take charge and do this, don't let other people do it for you.
 
 
 
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