I am gay, and so is my best friend. We've been really close for just over a year and a half and, during this time, neither of us had boyfriends. I'd always quite liked him and thought that maybe there was a spark between us, but he was quite confused and overcome about his sexuality so I never acted upon what little feelings I had. I moved away to go to University in October and, within a few weeks, I found out that he'd got a boyfriend. I was quite surprised, but happy for him all the same.
When I returned home at Christmas, we met up and he told me all about this guy (who he'd met online and lives a few hours drive away). He seemed to really like him and I was happy that, after a long period of confusion, my best friend was finally in a good place. However, when I brought the issue up he spoke to me about it with some hesitance and that old spark between us was still there, possibly even stronger. I went back to Uni thinking that I was starting to really like him.
I came home for the weekend at the start of February and we spend the day together. He seemed really happy with how things were going with his boyfriend but there seemed to be more of a suggestion of an "us" this time. He smiled about how we sounded and acted like a couple in some of the things that we did. It was very odd of him in particular and just a bit strange in general, considering the circumstances. I returned to Uni and realised that I'd fallen in love with him.
I started a month long break last week and I spent the evening with him. Things really seem to have sped up between him and this guy; they've even discussed moving in with each other later on this year. However, things seemed really different between me and him too. We spent the evening laying on my bed. We hugged, we talked about sex, we even watched porn; all of this instigated by him. This really isn't normal behaviour for us; despite being gay, neither of us are stereotypical gays. We were really affectionate with each other. It was strange, but I really liked it. It was also very awkward when he asked me to step outside and meet his boyfriend; I was talkative and asked questions, but the boyfriend acted as if he really wasn't interested. It was as if he knew, and the fact that the boyfriend arrived an hour and half early to pick up my friend confirmed this.
So, I'm conflicted. I really want to tell my friend how I feel but I've never seen him so happy since he's been with this guy. I don't want to hurt him and I love the friendship that we have but things are so bizarre that we really need to have THAT conversation. Is it selfish to tell him how I feel or selfish to keep hiding something that we could both be thinking? If I told him and he turned me down then I'd accept it and try to move on; whatever happens, I still want him to always be my best friend, however silly that sounds. I'm terrified that our friendship will suffer if I don't confront what's happening between us, yet terrified that our friendship will suffer if I DO confront what's happening between us.
Thanks in advance
(And, as a preemptive thing, there is nothing wrong with being gay and "seeing the light" and "turning" straight will not solve my problems)
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I'm in love with my best friend - please help watch
- 23-03-2011 19:14
- 23-03-2011 22:33
- 23-03-2011 22:43
I think your friend is possibly as confused as you are! I expect that he does like you, but you're his best friend, he's decided he won't try it on with you and has gone for the other guy instead.
As to whether you should tell him, I'm not sure. It depends on what sort of person he is and whether he'll be able to discuss it maturely with you or just argue with you for telling him this whilst you're in a relationship.
- 24-03-2011 00:25
You say he's joked about things, such as how you act like a couple, and clearly he's ok with banter and even being quite intimate....so maybe in a hypothetical/jokey way you could raise the issue next time he mentions something relevant to how close you are etc, just to test the waters before making a full-blown confession.
Though from the sounds of it he has some of those feelings in return but maybe isn't confident enough to make the first move, and is with this other guy because that guy is more dominant and decisive e.g. making plans, turning up really early without really asking. Not saying you should be like the other guy, just that your friend seems to lack the confidence, you'll have to make the first move probably.
- 24-03-2011 09:30
- 24-03-2011 14:35
- 24-03-2011 16:31
Sorry for continually bumping this, but I'd really like more advice
- 24-03-2011 18:25