Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Ok let's cut to the chase

    I'm at uni and have been going out with my girlfriend for nearly a year now. She is completely in love with me and has been since fairly early on. Problem is that to me it hasn't felt completely right since the beginning, there are many things about her that I haven't particularly been a fan of. As much of a **** I might sound, I hoped that over time and with a little encouragement these things would change, but they haven't changed much at all.

    *tries to keep it shorter*

    I sometimes used to speak to a girl (that I used to like) that is a couple of years below me at school/sixth form and have stopped communication with her since leaving. I still like her because from what I can remember and stalk (sorrrrryyy) she ticks nearly all my boxes in terms of the kind of person I want to have a long lasting relationship with.

    I don't have the heart to dump my current girlfriend after everything that we've been through, although we've both known that I've been close to doing that many times already...

    My thoughts have been:
    a) Dump current girlfriend and try to reach out to potential love of life.
    -ve: Wait until holidays, talk through skype, wait until we both leave uni (ie wait a few years) so we can actually enjoy eachother's company. May not even work out anyway...
    +ve: Be challenged and feel pushed to achieve, obtain a new level of confidence that she would instill in me. Find someone that I love with the full strength of my heart, someone I would fight for and always respect. Eventually die a happy and fulfilled man

    b) Stay with current girlfriend and live a somewhat happy life
    -ve: Always have that feeling of remorse and feel that I'm trying to fit a cube into a circular hole with our relationship. Feel like I'm being held back. Die slightly unfulfilled. Be in a relationship with someone that I barely respect anymore. Have children that don't turn out as amazing as I want them to be.
    +ve: Make a lovely girl very, very happy. Have a girlfriend who will be with me for the whole of my life, who will do anything with me and for me.

    c) Same as a) but no dumping until I feel confident about securing the other girl...
    -ve: Current girlfriend may find out (she probably wouldn't). I'd be living a lie for a while and feel horrible about it.
    +ve: If things don't work out I haven't dumped anyone and can carry on if I still want to


    Sorry, that was long and probably unclear but any help would be appreciated

    (I'm actually a nice guy if you got to know me but I have to be blunt about things here...)
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Basically if you're unhappy with your current relationship then end it. Whether you go for the other girl or not is your choice but don't string your current gf along. Simples.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Oranges)
    Basically if you're unhappy with your current relationship the end it. Whether you go for the other girl or not is your choice but don't string your current gf along. Simples.
    Hmm it's just that the current situation is very comfortable and convenient for me. I feel like I'm making progress in terms of self confidence, etc which I may begin to lose by dumping her... I also don't want to break her as she will literally rip to shreds. I do like her and I'd be pretty upset if she wasn't a part of my life, but I don't think she is "the One" as they say.

    Will think about your comment. Cheers
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hmm it's just that the current situation is very comfortable and convenient for me. I feel like I'm making progress in terms of self confidence, etc which I may begin to lose by dumping her... I also don't want to break her as she will literally rip to shreds. I do like her and I'd be pretty upset if she wasn't a part of my life, but I don't think she is "the One" as they say.

    Will think about your comment. Cheers
    So you're going to stay with someone you know you don't want to be in a long term relationship with because it's 'convenient'? Clearly that's not gonna work. You are inevitably going to dump her, surely it makes more sense to do it sooner rather than later.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    You shouldn't use people just to make yourself feel better. It's a lot worse than breaking up now.
    I've been used by almost every guy I did anything with, and it's not a fun feeling. It'll hurt loads more when you actually break up and she finds out.

    OP - how old are you? You're at uni, you should be relatively young, why look for "the one" now? :/
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Le Récamier)
    You shouldn't use people just to make yourself feel better. It's a lot worse than breaking up now.
    I've been used by almost every guy I did anything with, and it's not a fun feeling. It'll hurt loads more when you actually break up and she finds out.

    OP - how old are you? You're at uni, you should be relatively young, why look for "the one" now? :/
    Am I using her? I want our relationship to work for both of us, not just her and I've been fairly patient in order to see what happens.

    Well I want to find someone that is incredible now rather than wait and find that all the good ones have gone and begin to get scared/desperate when I'm older. Having kind of old, divorced parents does this too you...

    I just don't see much point if it's not someone special and I'm wasting my youth (and good looks (lol)) by not finding them

    I know it'll hurt, which is why I'm thinking very carefully. Can't even focus on my revision...
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hmm it's just that the current situation is very comfortable and convenient for me. I feel like I'm making progress in terms of self confidence, etc which I may begin to lose by dumping her...
    That's using her for me.

    Someone wisely told me once that settling down isn't settling down WITH someone but settling down FOR someone.
    You'll find the right person at the right time. At the end, it isn't about where you end up, but how you end up there. You're not wasting time by spending time with someone who isn't "the one." You're just enjoying every day as it comes and gaining more experience. It'll also help you understand more who you are and what you want. There's a world between our ideals and our reality by the way. Just because she ticks every box doesn't mean she's "the one." Love is something you cannot predict, it comes with the people you least expect it to come.
    • #2
    #2

    Ok, I wish WISH my ex had dumped me sooner, we went out for two years (in 6th form so a tad younger than you but similar situation excluding uni) and i knew he had issues with the relationship/me but he just wouldn't ditch me until he met another girl who had a big thing for him and she has now been his gf since we split up just under half a year ago... I would have been so much happier if he had dumped me sooner and/or told me the truth about why.

    DONT string your gf along.. it's horrible, even if she knows you have issues she is not going to end things but in the long run its kinder to her.
    You need to man up and end it,
    and this other girl? Yes leave it a little bit and see how things go as trying to go straight into another relationship with a girl you "really like" through a casual bit of stalking is probably not the best idea... get to know new people at your Uni and see how things go, and if that other girl comes into your life again well thats great but probably not great straight away.

    a.) Not great but probably best option
    b.) You don't want this option so dump her, nicely face to face, telling the truth
    c.) This makes you seem like really really big **** head.


    [btw. if your current gf goes to your uni, you have allot/a few mutual friends, with facebook etc. she will find out if you immediately get with another girl (maybe not right away but it will happen).]
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Le Récamier)
    That's using her for me.

    Someone wisely told me once that settling down isn't settling down WITH someone but settling down FOR someone.
    You'll find the right person at the right time. At the end, it isn't about where you end up, but how you end up there. You're not wasting time by spending time with someone who isn't "the one." You're just enjoying every day as it comes and gaining more experience. It'll also help you understand more who you are and what you want. There's a world between our ideals and our reality by the way. Just because she ticks every box doesn't mean she's "the one." Love is something you cannot predict, it comes with the people you least expect it to come.
    Thanks for that, 'twas nice to read.

    Would I be using her in the same way that she uses me for protection and guidance? I don't want to debate this really, maybe I am using her slightly and maybe not.

    What you say is true, I am enjoying each day and understanding more about who I am and what I want. I don't know if I should use her in this way, since when I think about it I know that we may not go anywhere because I don't feel like I want to. I cried with emotion when we said we love each other the first time but I don't really feel it anymore

    I just know that I have goals in life and one of them is to meet a certain person who I'd be willing to make sacrifices for because we amaze each other. Although things are nice as they are, there's certainly something that feels wrong. aghh
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Guess I should talk to her about it? Perhaps I shouldn't and talking would rock the boat for no reason...
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Guess I should talk to her about it? Perhaps I shouldn't and talking would rock the boat for no reason...
    Also, with exam season looming I wouldn't want to ruin both her and my revision by bringing this up and making me worry even more... (unless it would settle my mind, if anyone could recommend?)
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ok, I wish WISH my ex had dumped me sooner, we went out for two years (in 6th form so a tad younger than you but similar situation excluding uni) and i knew he had issues with the relationship/me but he just wouldn't ditch me until he met another girl who had a big thing for him and she has now been his gf since we split up just under half a year ago... I would have been so much happier if he had dumped me sooner and/or told me the truth about why.

    DONT string your gf along.. it's horrible, even if she knows you have issues she is not going to end things but in the long run its kinder to her.
    You need to man up and end it,
    and this other girl? Yes leave it a little bit and see how things go as trying to go straight into another relationship with a girl you "really like" through a casual bit of stalking is probably not the best idea... get to know new people at your Uni and see how things go, and if that other girl comes into your life again well thats great but probably not great straight away.

    a.) Not great but probably best option
    b.) You don't want this option so dump her, nicely face to face, telling the truth
    c.) This makes you seem like really really big **** head.


    [btw. if your current gf goes to your uni, you have allot/a few mutual friends, with facebook etc. she will find out if you immediately get with another girl (maybe not right away but it will happen).]
    Ah bugger didn't see this until just now, perhaps it was being checked by admins.

    I may go with your advice, it seems like the best option to at the very least tell her how I feel and at least end it in the short run... Sad times.

    Lol, you're not going to like this but I just realised that I forgot to tell you all that I'm living with her next year in a house of 5....... But that shouldn't make a difference as I'd still enjoy her company.

    Thank you for your help, I feel somewhat better about this situation now. Actually thank you everyone who has posted here!

    Hopefully karma will be nice to you some day
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    If you have no respect for your current girlfriend, end it with her for her own sake. It sounds like you've already pretty much decided on it
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Clumsy_Chemist)
    If you have no respect for your current girlfriend, end it with her for her own sake. It sounds like you've already pretty much decided on it
    Yeah somewhat.

    I just find that she's pretty much the only person I can truly relax around. But yes I am leaning towards leaving...
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    It's better for your gf to end it now. You shouldn't stay in a relationship where you're not happy.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Jade4666)
    wow, its strange to find theres someone in the same position as im in at the moment. good luck making the right decision x
    Heh, you too. I think I'm going to have to wait until after exams. Or else we'll probably both be wasting too much time being upset about it...

    Good luck
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ok let's cut to the chase

    I'm at uni and have been going out with my girlfriend for nearly a year now. She is completely in love with me and has been since fairly early on. Problem is that to me it hasn't felt completely right since the beginning, there are many things about her that I haven't particularly been a fan of. As much of a **** I might sound, I hoped that over time and with a little encouragement these things would change, but they haven't changed much at all.

    *tries to keep it shorter*

    I sometimes used to speak to a girl (that I used to like) that is a couple of years below me at school/sixth form and have stopped communication with her since leaving. I still like her because from what I can remember and stalk (sorrrrryyy) she ticks nearly all my boxes in terms of the kind of person I want to have a long lasting relationship with.

    I don't have the heart to dump my current girlfriend after everything that we've been through, although we've both known that I've been close to doing that many times already...

    My thoughts have been:
    a) Dump current girlfriend and try to reach out to potential love of life.
    -ve: Wait until holidays, talk through skype, wait until we both leave uni (ie wait a few years) so we can actually enjoy eachother's company. May not even work out anyway...
    +ve: Be challenged and feel pushed to achieve, obtain a new level of confidence that she would instill in me. Find someone that I love with the full strength of my heart, someone I would fight for and always respect. Eventually die a happy and fulfilled man

    b) Stay with current girlfriend and live a somewhat happy life
    -ve: Always have that feeling of remorse and feel that I'm trying to fit a cube into a circular hole with our relationship. Feel like I'm being held back. Die slightly unfulfilled. Be in a relationship with someone that I barely respect anymore. Have children that don't turn out as amazing as I want them to be.
    +ve: Make a lovely girl very, very happy. Have a girlfriend who will be with me for the whole of my life, who will do anything with me and for me.

    c) Same as a) but no dumping until I feel confident about securing the other girl...
    -ve: Current girlfriend may find out (she probably wouldn't). I'd be living a lie for a while and feel horrible about it.
    +ve: If things don't work out I haven't dumped anyone and can carry on if I still want to


    Sorry, that was long and probably unclear but any help would be appreciated

    (I'm actually a nice guy if you got to know me but I have to be blunt about things here...)
    Finish with your current girlfriend. She'll pick up on it eventually that something's wrong, and it will worry her a lot. Although she'll be devastated at first, she'll be happier afterwards knowing that you were honest with her and if she cares for you, she'll probably want to see you happy. Don't drag it out, it will only make things worse.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ah bugger didn't see this until just now, perhaps it was being checked by admins.
    Yhere it was, TSR can be so slow at times! This will probably take a couple of hours too...

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I may go with your advice, it seems like the best option to at the very least tell her how I feel and at least end it in the short run... Sad times.

    Lol, you're not going to like this but I just realised that I forgot to tell you all that I'm living with her next year in a house of 5....... But that shouldn't make a difference as I'd still enjoy her company.
    Oh dear well basically end it on as good terms as possible without saying you will get back with her or want to because if you don't this again leads to the stringing her along thing and will make things more painful for her when you move on and she has been left waiting around for you.
    The difference this makes is be truthful but don't tell her about this other girl and reallyreallyreally don't hook up with anyone now otherwise next year will be hell, she will hate you and it will be exceptionally (more) awkward.
    I don't think you can really end a relationship on 'good' terms so this makes sense why you haven't broken up with her as you are living together next year, i find it bad enough that my ex is in my bio class and we have to do practicals together every now and again (though like I said the way things ended wasn't great, allot of lying and transfer of blame onto me and all this done by phone+telling me it was just going to be an extended break so he could 'enjoy 6th form', as far as handling breakups he was shockingly awful...:rolleyes:) think I would feel completely **** living in a house with him and seeing a girl leave his room in the morning/his gf staying over allot etc...

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you for your help, I feel somewhat better about this situation now. Actually thank you everyone who has posted here!

    Hopefully karma will be nice to you some day
    Sorry if this is unhelpful and a bit of a backtrack, but I thought I better reply.
    Karma's been a ***** so far, but maybe eventually it will pay of
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: March 25, 2011
Poll
Do you agree with the PM's proposal to cut tuition fees for some courses?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.