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How do I tell my boyfriend that my depression isn't his fault? watch

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    Hi, please keep anon. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

    Since I was 14 I've been depressed I guess. I was going through a horrible time in my life, I felt like I'd lost control and everyone was telling me what to do and how to behave. Cutting, starving myself, overdosing. I get better for phases, but I'm 19 now and last month I cut myself for the first time since I've been at uni.

    In June I started seeing my boyfriend, I'd known him since I was 9. Things were great. I was happy. Despite the fact that the day after we got together I overdosed and had to spend the night in hospital. We've been together 9 months now, and I love him.

    But the depression keeps coming back. There are days when I can't make myself get out of bed, I can't make myself shower, or make food. I make excuses so I don't have to go out with my flatmates. And I've started getting really annoyed with my boyfriend for stupid things.

    I hate that, I love him, and I hate that he thinks me feeling like this is his fault. I've tried to explain it to him, but he still keeps coming back to 'what have I done?' and 'how can I make it better?' He thinks that because he's my boyfriend, it's his job to make sure I'm happy. He just doesn't realise that since I've been with him the spells where I'm down have been less, but they're starting to creep back again.

    I know that he does just want me to be happy, but honestly, I can't ever see me getting through a day without wanting to cry. I just want to let him know that it's not his fault, but nothing I say will make him understand. And my mood is just getting worse. Last night I was considering overdosing again...

    tl;dr : I've been depressed for about 5 years now, and now my boyfriend of 9 months thinks that it's his fault because at the moment I'm really low, like almost at my lowest point. I've tried explaining it to him, but I can't make him understand.

    Thanks for any help.
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    you literally tell him "i suffer from depression and i hope you understand its got nothing to do with you."
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    (Original post by Doyle&TheFourFathers)
    you literally tell him "i suffer from depression and i hope you understand its got nothing to do with you."
    This. :curious:
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    (Original post by Ape Gone Insane)
    'It's not you, it's me'.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Hate those words.
    It's you!
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    Have you seen your GP about this? It might help telling him that depression is an illness like a broken leg but you just can't see it on the outside, it's no ones fault in reality. Depression isn't an easy battle to win, it's long winded and explaining this may help. If you go to your doctor try to get counselling as I found this helped more than drugs - it may help if you take your boyfriend with you. Maybe write him a letter explaining what it is like.

    You both obviously care about each other but you'll work through, the first steps are often the hardest. I remember when I told my parents they shouted at me and I sat in my room crying, my mum wouldn't talk to me for a few days (she's quite OTT and stressy though). But now everything is better in the relationship terms.

    I think it's harder dealing with it as a girl because our hormones are more volatile. Knowledge is power though, I keep a journal off all the tips and info I find and write it down so I can skim through it to keep check.

    You can get through this and he will understand. If worst comes to worst then he's not for you and it wasn't meant to be at time stage in your life. Hope it works out for you!

    xxxxx
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    You have clinical depression, it's like if he blamed himself for you having a cold... unless he gave you the cold, bad example
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks for the replies

    Yeah, I've tried telling him that it's not his fault, and I thought explaining to him the history of it would help him understand, but he still gets all worked up about it. And that makes me feel even worse...

    I saw a therapist for a bit when I was 15, but everyone just blamed one part of my life and no one seemed to listen to me properly (a bit cliche really...). Plus I didn't really like the guy I had to see. Then after a few sessions he decided I was fine, when I was still hiding cuts under my jumper.

    Then after my overdose at the end of a levels I got referred to my GP (well, my mum went behind my back to set the meetings up...) and we talked for a bit. I liked him more, but I still don't feel like I can be fully open with people like that.

    I try to work through why I do things myself, but I just come up with the 'standard' answers - control, guilt etc. All of which seemed relevant, but none of which were right.
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    You'll be a uni know so you will probably see a new therapist. If you explain how you felt with your last one your GP should understand. Especially as you're at uni you're parents won't know that you're going into therapy again. Personally, I went private but only because my dad paid for it - don't get me wrong my Dad is a self-employed gardener, my mum's a house wife and I have two brothers. If you can then it may give you more control.

    It sounds like in your previous experiences you haven't had a lot of control and so now at uni when you go this will be upto you and it is upto those around you to support you.

    The letter idea may work though. When he reads it he will think it through logically and have time to mull it over rather than miss the point. If you do then start with why he's so important to you and why you need his support. If you compliment him first he will be more inclined to see it as just an illness that he can't see. Explain how blame never fixes anything, you need to take action and make a difference - with or without him. You don't blame him but if he still feels guilty then explain he can help you get through this and try to understand you better.

    http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stre...ief_coping.htm It might help if you skim through here because it helps to know why something is beneficial and you might pick something out to help. (:

    What're you thinking about it now? xxx
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    CBT may be for you, it actually takes effort, but it's meant to change how you feel and think. I've only just been introduced to it, so I can't really tell you much, maybe look it up on google.
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    Best way to deal about this is communication so I suggest that you should talk to him.
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    Reverse psychology. Tell him it is all his fault until he becomes defensive.

    Okay so that's a terrible idea :p:

    Maybe you could get through to him by showing him accounts or reassurances from other people with depression? About how it isn't their partner's fault I mean.

    Or there must be websites and the like the exist to support and offer explanations to the spouses/partners of people with depression.

    He's probably confused and saddened by the whole thing, and partners need support too. Obviously is difficult for you to provide that support yourself, which is why I think it would be a good idea to direct him to somewhere that can tell him its normal (but unfounded!) to feel guilty/ can answer his questions etc.
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    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Macroverse)
    ...
    That link it really good, thanks I'm forever googling things like that and going on websites like the nhs one to try and find out more about it.

    And yeah, I think I will write my boyfriend a letter explaining it all. I just don't want him to worry too much. He's the type of person who would rush me to hospital with a nosebleed... :rolleyes:

    Some days I really hate living like this, and other days I don't even want to get better.

    My dad told me that he feels like this too, but he deals with it because he has a family to support. It made me feel bad that I can't deal with it, like I'm weaker in some way. Me and my dad are really similar in other ways though, we both have the same temper, you would not want to see us in a fight with other...

    I don't really think I could go to someone to talk to about this, I wouldn't know how to start the conversation with my GP, and I wouldn't be able to keep talking. I remember last time I went he kept talking about me finding a coping mechanism that I could do when I start to feel low again, but I had no idea what type of thing he meant. For me, not eating for a set number of hours, or whatever, was my coping mechanism.

    I kind of feel like I should let one of my flatmates know, just in case, but then again, I wouldn't know who to tell, or what they would think...
 
 
 
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