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Being "friend" material but not dating material Watch

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    I'm waiving my right to anonymity because I'm cool like that and don't really care what people think.

    But anyway.

    Anytime I get to know a girl, it seems It goes alright until the inevitable friendzoning. I'm accumulating a collection of girls I've got to know and now were sort of BFFL (if that means what I think it does). I've been told that "****buddying" isn't "me" (I don't have that ruthless streak it's true) but that's no biggie. It's just that... I hate to build bridges with people only to be told that they like me more as a friend than anything. I know it's not because they have second thoughts about my credibility as a potential boyfriend in the respect that I'm too unattractive or I've got a **** personality. I genuinely think it's because I'm "too nice". :/ I don't know in what respect but I get that impression. It's not even that I'm being let down gently because I can take it. It just becomes a bit grating and I kind of think "oh well, WHEN am I going to meet that person who sees me as a potential partner?"

    Anyone think that this happens to them a lot? Does it bother you....

    And girls, how do you differentiate between a guy friend and a boyfriend??

    xxx
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    Ask them out :confused:

    Isn't that the obvious?

    I think that is the only connecting bridge from boy friend friend to actual boyfriend.
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    (Original post by SuperiorHuman)
    Ask them out :confused:

    Isn't that the obvious?

    I think that is the only connecting bridge from boy friend friend to actual boyfriend.
    Hmm maybe. But then again, I don't believe in formally asking a girl out, I used to do that on the playground in primary school I'm too old for that now. If you mean ask them on a date, I have done in the past. It's not that I particularly get attached to the girls, not as such. It's more I end up thinking, wow this can't be modified. It's you, it's a part of you. And not only do I end up getting thought of as a friend by them, I also end up doing it myself. The more I get to know a girl the more I think we get on well, I can't seem to transcend that bridge between liking a girl in a "get on great with" way and thinking "omg I love this girl". It's like a psychological barrier there.
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    (Original post by jaydoh)
    I'm accumulating a collection of girls I've got to know/I hate to build bridges with people only to be told that they like me more as a friend
    Those bits sound a little ruthless. Do you not make friends with girls without wanting it to be more?

    Us girls are simple creatures and tend to like people who like us. Just pay more attention to one girl, so that she starts thinking about you in that way.
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    (Original post by jaydoh)
    I can't seem to transcend that bridge between liking a girl in a "get on great with" way and thinking "omg I love this girl". It's like a psychological barrier there.
    so do you not actually experience any feelings yourself which you'd class as feeling something more then just being friends?

    Anyway..I don't think there's a lot of point trying to change who you are. I'd say I was quite nice and avoid conflict so I'm rather submissive. Now although being like that may well result in some girls thinking of me as friend material and not boyfriend material. However since a girl approached me about taking things further then friendship, it would seem like you'll find someone at some point without changing your personally. I think though some people have the problem of being so nice it seems fake. I may back down from the tiniest argument/negative phrase, however later on either she or me will ask if the other is ok (she can get stressed easily) and then I won't just pretend I'm totally fine. Then how I've been verbally abused that particular day will come up and will be resolved.
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    (Original post by Etoiliege)
    Those bits sound a little ruthless. Do you not make friends with girls without wanting it to be more?

    Us girls are simple creatures and tend to like people who like us. Just pay more attention to one girl, so that she starts thinking about you in that way.
    Yes I do make friends with girls and think maybe it could be more but going off past experiences where I have got to know them and it's not worked out I think why should I bother? That's cutting off my nose to spite my face I know....

    As for liking one girl same rules apply, I don't put effort into one girl anymore. I've done that in the past... will I be single forever with that attitude? Probably, yes. And not because I won't. Because I can't emotionally commit....
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    Make it more obvious you want more? They're obviously all thinking you just want to be friends...
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    (Original post by jaydoh)
    Yes I do make friends with girls and think maybe it could be more but going off past experiences where I have got to know them and it's not worked out I think why should I bother? That's cutting off my nose to spite my face I know....

    As for liking one girl same rules apply, I don't put effort into one girl anymore. I've done that in the past... will I be single forever with that attitude? Probably, yes. And not because I won't. Because I can't emotionally commit....
    I don't think you quite understood, making friends with/getting to know girls because you are attracted to them is fairly obvious. I have a friend similar to you, I knew his motives but because he was a nice guy other than that, I became friends with him. Your girl mates may be doing the same.

    The second part? Yes, you will be single if you don't put effort into one girl. Surely it's a contradiction to want a girlfriend yet be trying it on with loads of girls at once. Emotional commitment isn't relevant to initially getting a partner. But if you can't commit then 'fwbs' could work for you? You may not have a ruthless streak but you certainly seem to think in a way that would make it work for you.
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    Okay so in our friendship group, in general the boys think the girls are really attractive and would like to shag them, but we would never go there with them because they are too nice.
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    My best friend is a lad, and we've had 'the talk' and he wouldn't want to be anything else because he doesn't want to ruin it.

    But he always goes on about how he wants A girlfriend. Makes me feel like anyone will do for him apart from me.
    So my advice if you like a girl, dont talk about other girls to her
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    (Original post by redsauce101)
    My best friend is a lad, and we've had 'the talk' and he wouldn't want to be anything else because he doesn't want to ruin it.

    But he always goes on about how he wants A girlfriend. Makes me feel like anyone will do for him apart from me.
    So my advice if you like a girl, dont talk about other girls to her
    My advice to you, regarding your best friend, is that he fancies the pants off you and don't be put off because he just talks about other girls.... the only girl he is genuinely interested in is you!
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    (Original post by dinglemeister)
    My advice to you, regarding your best friend, is that he fancies the pants off you and don't be put off because he just talks about other girls.... the only girl he is genuinely interested in is you!
    I don't think he fancies the pants of me, although we've had drunken history..
    I think he just see's me as 'me' not a girl!!
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    I know exactly what the problem is.

    The issue is that you are spending time 'getting to know' the girl before you make a move. If you go in making friends first, then quite obviously you are going to be put in the friend zone and not thought of as much beyond that - of course there are exceptions, but in general, and that's what it seems to be in your case anyway.

    When you first meet a girl you fancy, you need to make your intentions CLEAR FROM THE START. At university, I can put the guys i've met into two categories. The ones who immediately hung out with me, became good friends, chatted to about other girls etc. Now some genuinely weren't interested in more, and we're excellent friends, but a couple of others then tried to make a move months down the line, and it's like, no - we are just friends now, I don't see you like that.

    And then the ones who are confident... and how do I put this, 'alpha like'(?), who meet me, get my number, and move very quickly onto a date or kiss or whatever within the next few days - letting me know they're interested as soon as possible. This is the way to go - it's cliche but confidence is sexy, and it works the majority of the time! Of course it doesn't work all the time, sometimes they're not my type or we don't click personality wise at first, but it's so so so so much better than pretending to be a friend for ages and then hitting on a girl. If you get rejected, then it's so early into meeting the girl, you can be friends without any of the awkwardness or one person pining secretly over the other.

    This is just my experience and a general thing I've noticed, but I hope it helps!

    Edit: So to sum up, you need to MAKE YOUR MOVE VERY VERY VERY EARLY ON.
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    (Original post by redsauce101)
    I don't think he fancies the pants of me, although we've had drunken history..
    I think he just see's me as 'me' not a girl!!
    He he do elaborate more on your 'drunken history' - has it ever gone any further than a booze fuelled kiss and a hug....?

    I bet you'd be surprised - I'd be willing to stake a limb on the fact that he sees you as much much more than just you.... more like an unobtainable object of his desires! x
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    (Original post by Etoiliege)
    Us girls are simple creatures
    http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhjqp5ivNG1qc6bd7.jpg
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    (Original post by redsauce101)
    My best friend is a lad, and we've had 'the talk' and he wouldn't want to be anything else because he doesn't want to ruin it.

    But he always goes on about how he wants A girlfriend. Makes me feel like anyone will do for him apart from me.
    So my advice if you like a girl, dont talk about other girls to her

    Maybe...he just isn't that into you?

    I'm Lillie has a point, though I think not to her extreme.

    You don't need to be a slathering shameless letch (only if you want to) because allot of girls are not so easily woed by basic displays of primate lust, but DO be flirty.

    Also do not move at a glacial pace.

    Basically never let a friendship get too comfortable, and if you fancy a girl and want to do something about it, move things along at a reasonable pace.

    Basically let her know by your behaviour that while you do like her as a person or whatever, that you aren't going to allow yourself to be friend-zoned.
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    I have the opposite problem, girls want to be more than friends but I have little interest in a relationship and then you just feel like a bad person :sigh:
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    And girls, how do you differentiate between a guy friend and a boyfriend??
    We want to kiss and **** the boyfriend, not the guy friend, of course. Same way you differentiate between the girlfriend and the girl friend, presumably...
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    (Original post by I'm Lillie)
    I know exactly what the problem is.

    The issue is that you are spending time 'getting to know' the girl before you make a move. If you go in making friends first, then quite obviously you are going to be put in the friend zone and not thought of as much beyond that - of course there are exceptions, but in general, and that's what it seems to be in your case anyway.

    When you first meet a girl you fancy, you need to make your intentions CLEAR FROM THE START. At university, I can put the guys i've met into two categories. The ones who immediately hung out with me, became good friends, chatted to about other girls etc. Now some genuinely weren't interested in more, and we're excellent friends, but a couple of others then tried to make a move months down the line, and it's like, no - we are just friends now, I don't see you like that.

    And then the ones who are confident... and how do I put this, 'alpha like'(?), who meet me, get my number, and move very quickly onto a date or kiss or whatever within the next few days - letting me know they're interested as soon as possible. This is the way to go - it's cliche but confidence is sexy, and it works the majority of the time! Of course it doesn't work all the time, sometimes they're not my type or we don't click personality wise at first, but it's so so so so much better than pretending to be a friend for ages and then hitting on a girl. If you get rejected, then it's so early into meeting the girl, you can be friends without any of the awkwardness or one person pining secretly over the other.

    This is just my experience and a general thing I've noticed, but I hope it helps!

    Edit: So to sum up, you need to MAKE YOUR MOVE VERY VERY VERY EARLY ON.
    I think the quote above sums it up well.

    It definitely is not a part of you as I was exactly in your position, and turned it around. The problem you probably have is that you dont show any interest in the girl from early on. After meeting and speaking to her normally for about 10 minutes, find something that genuinely interests you about her from what she has said. e.g. you like the fact that she is an adventurous person. Then ask her to exchange numbers and say you would like to have a coffee or something simple. If she says yes shes already contemplating a relationship because she wouldnt go with you alone if she wasnt.

    Try this with every new interaction you have from now and I guarantee that you will attract many more girls than you already do.

    Good Luck
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    (Original post by Etoiliege)
    Those bits sound a little ruthless. Do you not make friends with girls without wanting it to be more?

    Us girls are simple creatures and tend to like people who like us. Just pay more attention to one girl, so that she starts thinking about you in that way.
    I lol'd.
 
 
 
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