Turn on thread page Beta

I have no idea what to do about my boyfriend watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Really not sure where to begin so pretty sure this will be a long post so I apologise in advance. I’d like to point out that my problem with him is essentially when we’re apart – whenever we’re together we have a great time, and I do whole heartedly love him to bits. We’ve been together for a year and a half and for the most part I’ve loved it.

    When we were in the LDR he was in uni while I was at college and it went great (we were 175 miles away and it was for 10 months); both of us were working incredibly hard to get the grades we wanted so we often kept each other's morale up and really, really looked forward to seeing each other, which generally was every other weekend. He seemed to like all of my friends and have a good crack with them, as did I when I saw his friends. Obviously he being in uni he went out with his friends a lot more than me, but it never bothered me that I had college at 9am in the morning and just laughed at the drunk texts he'd send me at 3 or so while I was up doing an all-nighter doing coursework.

    Now, the roles have swapped somewhat. He's graduated and now has a 9 - 5 job that is only 35 miles away, whereas I am in my first year of uni. This means that we see each other a lot more – usually every weekend with one of us coming over for a night during the week. Because he does not know the area he works in well, he has very few friends, whereas me being at uni means I socialise with people all the time. But the difference is, while I was happy for him when he was having fun with his friends at uni, he’s quite nasty about me doing it. Whenever I go to a club I get sarcastic texts saying ‘bet you pull’ and the like. He said he was only taking the mick, but now it’s pretty clear that he means it – about 3 weekends ago, we were out on nights out in different cities and for some reason my phone went faulty at 1am and I stopped receiving text messages for a couple of hours (he had sent 20 in about 2 hours it turned out). In that time, my bf got it into his head that I must be cheating on him for not to be replying to his texts, especially when I ‘stayed silent’ at texts that outright accused me of cheating. Because he sent so many, when I received them at from 3am – 8am I automatically assumed he’d taken drugs and had gotten paranoid off them! When it was cleared up, not once did he ever apologise for doubting my faithfulness or anything

    Additionally, he only likes one of my uni friends even though I have quite a big mixture of friends, so whenever I mention my uni friends he grumbles and mentions that he’d rather hang out with 4 of my home friends (despite 3 of them being at uni in separate cities themselves so it’s simply impossible!). He’s particularly nasty about one of my best male friends at uni even though he’s done nothing wrong. My bf took an instant dislike to him and constantly calls him a **** and hates it when I spend time with him -- he even told me that he hates my friend texting me, even though the reason why is that he has depression so he texts me to ask him to cheer him up. He also told me he’d flip if I even set foot in his flat or did anything like go to the cinemas with him. Pretty hypocritical when my bf’s female best friend is going to stay over at his flat for 2 nights next month and I wasn’t even asked if it was okay as my bf knows I trust him enough not for it to be even a slight issue. Nor have I even given my opinion my bf’s friends as I don’t think it’s my place to – never mind decided if I like them or not! Particularly annoys me when the only criticism he’s got of one of my best friends at uni is that she’s fat, especially as he hates it when I comment on any man’s appearance!

    Finally, I hate how controlling my bf sometimes gets over my life An example of this happened today when my boyfriend decided that he’d like to see me on Wednesday – already knowing that I had already planned to see one of my friends that day but it wasn’t an issue because of my bf being at work when she and I were planning to see each other. He mentioned that he’d like to see a particular film with me that day I laughed at coincidence as my friend and I had already decided days before to see that same film that day. Instead of just accepting it, he took real issue with it saying that he purposely booked his haircut on the Thursday as he expected to see me on the Wednesday. When I replied it might be an idea to check if I’ve got plans before assuming that I’m going to be totally free to do whatever he wants he got into an even bigger mood with it!

    Really don’t know how to approach this or if I’m in even in the right to say anything as when we’re together it’s lovely. Just don’t know how much of this paranoia, controlling nature and dislike to me having any sort of fun when I’m without him. We have a holiday booked together in June that I’m really looking forward to, and because I worked my arse off to make sure I could pay for my half for us to go together I really don’t want a proper argument as we’ve never had one before so I don’t know if how we’d react to one.

    Again, sorry for the length, hope someone can make light of what I could do in this situation
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    If you feel like he's being controlling, he's being controlling. I'd try talking to him about it in a calm way, and see what happens from there. No one should be running your life or telling you what to do.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    am I an idiot for always thinking 'I wish I had a bf that cared that much about me' when reading this and similar posts?

    he seems insecure and jealous of your male friends for fearing you will leave him and get off with somebody else. I suppose the only thing you can do is have a serious talk with him about it and reassure him that he is the only one for you. unless, of course, he is not...
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    yeah,i agree with you.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    There's obviously something wrong with this relationship, trust and respect is a two way street and you don't seem to be getting any back. If you like this behaviour and your willing to stick with it ? .. Fine. If not you should take a stand to it now. Explain to him, how you've explained to us, and tell him to change his ways. If he does. GREAT. If not, ask yourself is this the kinda person you REALLY wanna be in a relationship with.
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    I think it's pretty obvious that he cheated on you at uni and thinks you're doing the same thing. confront him and ask why he's so paranoid. i think you need to put your foot down, sounds like you're being far too tolerant.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by reisen)
    I think it's pretty obvious that he cheated on you at uni and thinks you're doing the same thing. confront him and ask why he's so paranoid. i think you need to put your foot down, sounds like you're being far too tolerant.
    yep, i totally agree
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Cheers for the replies guys I didn't put it in my post because it was already ridiculously long, but the fact that people have picked it up shows it's probably true: he finished his relationship of 3 years in order to be with me, so there's a good chance he's probably worried I'm going to do the same thing to him.

    I'm just not sure how to bring it up tbh we sometimes bicker when we're apart, but he always drops it in person and doesn't mention it again. An example of that happened on friday, as he wanted to see me at 4 so got up an hour early for work so he could. I had a house signing that day, and it took a lot longer than expected so I legged it to the train station but just missed the train, so I had to catch one half an hour later. Over text, we were bickering because he outright accused me of 'always putting him last' and that really upset me as I had spent that entire week at the library getting my assignments done so I could come him for as much as I could that weekend. When I finally got to see him, he seemed a bit baffled that I was visibly upset and mentioned oh let's go to the pub and never brought up what we had been discussing other than me explaining how the house signing ran over. Hours later, he did say that he does appreciate that I work hard so I have all the free time to see him, but never once congratulated me on finally finding a place to live next year or anything :/

    I think part of the reason why he avoids confronting me in person is because he'd be incredibly lonely if he didn't have me -- all of his friends and family are now at least 130 miles away and he probably sees them about once every 2 months if even that. He's quite a social person as well, so I've tried doing subtle hints to try help matters like saying I would 100% support him if he found a new job in his hometown or where he used to go to uni at, or even suggest that he starts going to the gym with some of his friends at work as quite a lot of them go and that.

    As awful as it sounds, I sometimes wish we were back to a LDR as we appreciated each other a lot more. Either that, or we lived in the same city as each other so this silly 'I'm annoyed you've got plans on wednesday and the only reason I can't see you thursday cuz I've got a haircut' malarky would stop.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    Think maybe he's lonely and slightly jealous of the fact you have all of these new friends and he doesn't have many now. Maybe just have a chat with him and reassure him that he's the only one you want and keep telling him how excited you are about your holiday? If it was me I'd be slightly concerned as to why he's so paranoid about it though.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    I think he's got some underlying issues that are making him so paranoid and controlling. I agree that he could've possibly cheated on you when he was in uni or possibly he wasn't as sociable as you might've thought. Either way there's something causing such jealousy.

    Things like this put me off the idea of a relationship. There's no reason why he should dislike your pals either without a real reason.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Having been in a controlling relationship I can tell you that you need to stop his behaviour now or else it will only get worse.
    He's acting insecure and probably feeling a tad bitter at times that you have more friends with him etc. This is understandable, but if he really loves you, he shouldn't want to hold this against you.

    You need to talk it out with him the next time you see him, reassure him that there is more to uni than shagging around and that just because you go out often and have lots of friends, it doesn't mean that you are out cheating on him etc.

    He's only going to drive a wedge between the two of you if his bitterness carries on escalating, he probably needs to know this so that it might force him to address his insecurities.

    Good luck!
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Berbalicious)
    Having been in a controlling relationship I can tell you that you need to stop his behaviour now or else it will only get worse.
    He's acting insecure and probably feeling a tad bitter at times that you have more friends with him etc. This is understandable, but if he really loves you, he shouldn't want to hold this against you.

    You need to talk it out with him the next time you see him, reassure him that there is more to uni than shagging around and that just because you go out often and have lots of friends, it doesn't mean that you are out cheating on him etc.

    He's only going to drive a wedge between the two of you if his bitterness carries on escalating, he probably needs to know this so that it might force him to address his insecurities.

    Good luck!
    Did you manage to resolve the issues between you and your girlfriend or did the two of you split up as a result?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by DanielleT192)
    I think he's got some underlying issues that are making him so paranoid and controlling. I agree that he could've possibly cheated on you when he was in uni or possibly he wasn't as sociable as you might've thought. Either way there's something causing such jealousy.

    Things like this put me off the idea of a relationship. There's no reason why he should dislike your pals either without a real reason.
    He's definitely got underlying issues (insecurity, a dented ego, low self-esteem mainly) but I think its a bit harsh to speculate whether he might have cheated whilst he was at uni. He's gone from being the life and soul of the party to being stuck miles from home with a massively reduced social life, whilst you've gone from being in a situation where he didn't even have to think twice about what you were up to, to being immersed in one of the most intense and enjoyable (and ultimately tempting) social scenes of your life.

    If you really love him, then (1) tell him exactly how you feel, and how his behaviour is making you feel, understand that rightly or wrongly, he's going to need a bit more reassurance that he is the only guy you're interested in, and definitely encourage him to develop his social life so he has less time to worry about what you're up to!
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by dinglemeister)
    .
    It may be harsh, but is possible. However, there's no use in drilling something into the OP's mind that might not be true.

    I agree with your explanation to his behaviour - it's obvious he must be feeling lonely after being so used to having a busy social life to having virtually none at all.

    I just think you need to communicate because he's not dealing with it in the way you did when he was at uni. He cannot simply dislike your friends either without much justification but IMO he's probably resenting them now that he has no-one secure enough to call a friend but you, thus probably feels they're taking you away from him.

    All that probably needs done is a little encouragement to get him out and about again. I'm sure once there's a boost in his social life the relationship will start to fall back in place.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by DanielleT192)
    It may be harsh, but is possible. However, there's no use in drilling something into the OP's mind that might not be true.

    I agree with your explanation to his behaviour - it's obvious he must be feeling lonely after being so used to having a busy social life to having virtually none at all.

    I just think you need to communicate because he's not dealing with it in the way you did when he was at uni. He cannot simply dislike your friends either without much justification but IMO he's probably resenting them now that he has no-one secure enough to call a friend but you, thus probably feels they're taking you away from him.

    All that probably needs done is a little encouragement to get him out and about again. I'm sure once there's a boost in his social life the relationship will start to fall back in place.

    Couldn't have said it better myself, you sound like you'd make a lovely girlfriend and understand how a fella's mind works!
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by dinglemeister)
    Couldn't have said it better myself, you sound like you'd make a lovely girlfriend and understand how a fella's mind works!
    Haha thanks! I do talk to a lot of people and have 4 brothers, so maybe that helps a little bit with empathy :P
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by DanielleT192)
    Haha thanks! I do talk to a lot of people and have 4 brothers, so maybe that helps a little bit with empathy :P
    You should have your own colun in The Sun, you could give Dear Deardrie a run for her money! :-)
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by reisen)
    I think it's pretty obvious that he cheated on you at uni and thinks you're doing the same thing. confront him and ask why he's so paranoid. i think you need to put your foot down, sounds like you're being far too tolerant.
    100% with this.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by dinglemeister)
    You should have your own colun in The Sun, you could give Dear Deardrie a run for her money! :-)
    Pfft Dear Deardrie's advice consists of forwarding people to phonelines that cost 10p per minute, so hardly competition :P. My advice isn't that good to get a column on any newspaper though haha!
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by DanielleT192)
    Pfft Dear Deardrie's advice consists of forwarding people to phonelines that cost 10p per minute, so hardly competition :P. My advice isn't that good to get a column on any newspaper though haha!
    I actually got a letter back from "Deidre" once, so it's not all "Performance issues...how to be good in bed" premium rate phone calls etc....shame she never really answered my question though lol
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: May 7, 2011
Poll
Which accompaniment is best?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.