As the title says, I need your help. I am coming to you, as I don't feel I can talk to anyone else about it, and people are people, regardless of whether you know them in person, or some randoms on an internet site. It's going to be a bit of an essay, so feel free to respond 'tl;dr.'
This is about my love for a girl, an ex girlfriend as it stands, and how I am going out my mind.
I met this girl 2 1/2 years ago, and we were going out for just over 2 years. We had a great relationship, pretty serious, pretty intense, but on the whole, good, our feelings were mutual, infact, I sometimes felt suffocated by how strong her feelings were for me - one day I found a note in her pocket with her first name and my last name togther. Anyway, we broke up - 2 weeks after our second anniversary, I was out and had drank an awful, awful lot, such that I do not remember the majority of the night. I was actually with my girlfriend that day saying how I didn't want to go out, but she insisted, and I facebooked her from my phone aswell saying I wasn't enjoying it and wanted to come home. Low n behold I thought the cure for this was to drink drink drink, and I am left with one memory - making contact with another girls lips. After thinking and thinking about it, It was a kiss on the lips, our rather our lips were pressed against each others for about 2 or 3 seconds. No tongues or anything. I pulled away once I realised what was happening and left the club. Over the next week I told my girlfriend and, as expected, she broke up with me. I fought and fought to win her back, and after 2 weeks she said she wanted to get back with me, to which I replied 'why don't you wait a few days, have a think about it, and make sure your coming back not because you miss me, but because you want to be with me' - well. that was a mistake. The following week, I met her in the morning, kissed her good bye and was coming round to meet her later that night. That night she told me to get out of her life forever.
Over 3 months I tried to talk to her, but each time she seemed insulted that I wanted to speak to her, and took it offensively. She swore at me, told me she didn't love me, and she obviously didn't really before as this was easy for her. It was difficult for me because it was right bang in the middle of my uni exams. She was partying, while I was faced with a book and the 4 walls of my room. It wasn't until decemember when I finally decided enough was enough. We were from the same school and were all out for a birthday in a club, and at the end of the night she was with a guy, looked right at me, then started to kiss him. Pay back you could say. This hurt like a *****. I lost my temper a wee bit, most likely due to the alcohol, and called her a ****. The next day I called her to apologise, and we had a talk - I poured my feelings out for her, but it was ended by her saying she felt she could find someone better out there for her. It was this that made me tell myself that when she comes back for my help, I would never be there for her. I found myself a rebound girlfriend, and got myself over her through using this girl. As soon as I felt I was over her, I broke up with this girl.
Not two days later did I get a call from my ex of two years, crying down the phone to me. Her life was in tatters. I promised myself I would never be there for her, but my love was still there, as strong as ever. In the previous 4 months not a day had passed when I didn't think of her, and so I was there for her. She was falling apart over her uni - she felt she couldn't do any of it, couldn't understand it, felt none of her friends were there for her, told herself they didn't like her, that she had nothing to offer her, and now she was coming to me as a last resort.
Fast forward to now, I have helped her in every way possible. From letting her phone me every night before bed so I can tell her a story so she falls asleep, to writing up references for her essays, I'm her crutch. The only problem is, all my feelings have came back, and there's definitely something still between us. She told me that just now she wasn't ready for a relationship, but would one day once everythings fixed, like to give us a chance. This gave me the motivation I needed to continue on as I was - putting her infront of everything, putting her uni work infront of mine, and being there for her. She was getting worse, and is seeing a psychiatrist, so I couldn't reduce my help. She needed me.
After seeing her every day last week to help her with her work, last weekend we were going out with my friends and my mates girlfriends friends to show her people are interested in her, wanted to see her and were valuable. I wasn't expecting anything from her in terms of hooking up with me - we had kissed the a few times over the course of this time period and both admitted we had feelings for each other, but as I knew, now wasnt the time for anythig like that. But I suppose what I did expect was for her to want to spend some of the evening in my company, which wasn't the case, and I barely saw her the whole night. A night that was supposed to be for both of us to relax after being hard at it for the full week. This was the saturday, and on the friday was the first time I had seen her smiling and holding her head high in months - it made me so proud of her, so as you could imagine, I was pretty down.
On the sunday I called and said I can't do this and I need you to make a decision. All my actions were based on the hope that we would get a chance at the end of all this, and all I wanted was just that hope restored, but I guess part of her misunderstood and thought I was wanting more of a commitment. That night she made a pro/con list of me, and as far as I know the cons out weighed the pros, and on monday she agreed to meet me to 'sort things out.' I could tell in the quiver of her voice in the phone she was not having a good day, so I went and boguht her some flowers, picked some daffodils for her, stuck them in and off I went to her house. She burst into tears once she saw me, and took me to the room where she told me she couldn't do this. She had nothing to give me, and that she doesn't even know if she will ever give us a chance. That she can't deal with this pressure and that she has to do it alone.
After some emotional talking, and me telling her I wanted to be there for her, it stands that I am a friend, nothing more, and there's not even really that hope that there will be anything at the end of it.
This is what true love is - giving everything you've got, but expecting nothing in return. This is what I am doing now, yet it doesn't stop me from feeling empty, and low because atleast before, whilst she wasn't my girlfriend, it felt like she was. Now I'm alone.
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- Thread Starter
- 29-03-2011 13:38
- 29-03-2011 13:46
Towards the end it sounded like she was using you
Yeah I wasn't much help was I?
- 29-03-2011 13:52
It's an absolutely fantastic thing for you to have done - sooo thoughtful and honest
However, if she is in such a terrible state of affairs perhaps she means it when she says she just needs a friend??
If you want to be her friend then be so, but if you feel you cant because you're always wishing for something more, then you have to do the kindest thing and let her go.
It's tough, and having never been in such a situation I darent advise any further that I feel is right of me.
I think this is an instance where you let your head rule your heart - if it is going to end up in tears I guess it isn't the right thing for either of you.
Likewise, if you start getting on with your life and leaving her to deal with her own, your absence may encourage her to find out whether she truly has feelings for you, in which case she will come to you if she does. If she doesn't you know it's not meant to be
Hope you feel better about it all really soon - not a nice place to be!!
Try to take your mind off it all by throwing yourself into your hobbies/uni work etc, spend time with other ppl and try to make the most of your life - she may not have feelings for you, but it's obvious she cares about you enough not to want to be responsible for you being miserable
All the Best!!
- Thread Starter
- 29-03-2011 17:24
yeah she does mean it when she says she just needs a friend right now, like, I'm not worried about anyone else or anything. And she speaks so highly of me, and really appreciates what I'm doing for her...I guess what I'm looking for is someone to say 'stick in there, it might be worth it in the end' or whatever, I mean, I can't leave her in this state can I?
Yeah thats part of it - she doesn't want to hurt me, and feels she is by not having anything to offer me, but she isn't really.