I'm writing this as a cathartic release; basically, I'm a textbook narcissist, apparently there are two types, the arrogant/in-your-face type, and the shy/covert type. I'm the latter.
I check my reflection in windows, mirrors etc probably about 20+ times a day, I sometimes feel incredibly inferior to everyone, then other times I feel like I'm the greatest human being alive (best-looking, smartest, funniest etc.) I am a name-dropper, I'm manipulative (e.g. lie to achieve my own ends), I often have feelings of self-entitlement, I'm "often envious of others or believes others are envious of me".
Around people I deem to be worse-looking or less intelligent or less popular, I'm really confident because I have some kind of superiority complex or something, but around people I deem to be better-looking or more popular etc. I recede into myself and suddenly feel self-conscious; which people assume is down to my anti-social or snobbish nature.
I often have "grandiose fantasies". For example, I'm a pretty good singer, but nobody, literally not a single person, knows that about me, and out of fear of failure or just fear of judgment I haven't attempted to get singing lessons or anything.
I'm also good-looking (objectively speaking, I'm not just being arrogant here), and yet there are some days when I feel like I'm just downright ugly and other days when I ponder a career as a model, and yet I've never had a girlfriend in my life, I'm 16 btw, even though deep down I know that all I have to do is ask, again fear or rejection/failure/judgment (i.e. other kids calling my gf ugly).
My question is why??? I know reading this you'll think I'm some kind of social retard but really I get on pretty fine, its just that I know for a fact that I'm a narcisisst, and this has resulted in me having very few "true" friends" and no gf.
Possible reasons (don't judge lol):
1. Parents divorced when I was 5.
2. Mum & Dad did not love each other
3. Only moved to UK when I was 7
4. Haven't seen my Dad in 10 years (lack of father figure)
5. Raised entirely by a very busy single mum
6. Older brother beat me up when I was young (he's 5 years older than me)
7. Excessive praise + Excessive criticism from perfectionist mum.
If you read all that... Wow. If you read a bit, ty. Any thoughts??
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