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Trusting someone again after being cheated on? watch

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    Is it possible?

    My boyfriend and I have been together nearly a year and have been pretty much amazingly happy together. Last month I found out from someone that he'd been seen making out with another girl in public (and sober) while I was at uni for the day. I'm still not 100% sure what/why it happened, apart from that she was 'depressed' and it 'just happened'. He denied it at first but then admitted it a few days later in tears, saying that it was a mistake. This deeply shocked and upset me, though I was willing to stay with him since he seemed so genuinely apologetic about it and nothing like that had happened before.

    Lately he has been really into going out with his friends and getting completely drunk, something he didn't seem bothered with before, and with friends I've never met and have no idea who they are. I suggest that we go to see them together, but he gets annoyed and says he never has any time to himself to see his friends. I'm not into drinking or clubbing at all (tried it enough times, not for me) so he says because of this I wouldn't enjoy it anyway, though surely there's more ways to have a good time with friends than getting disgustingly drunk? It worries me that he's so reluctant to share his friends with me, and I'm worried about him possibly cheating on me again, especially in a situation where he's more than likely to be drunk, and that if no one rats him out to me again I'll never find out. I really wish I didn't feel like this about it, but after him cheating on me it's difficult to have the same amount of trust in him as I did before.

    I've tried talking to him about my concerns about both the cheating and his unusual behaviour but he seems fed up of hearing it now as I bring it up often and wants me to just trust him anyway, which is rather difficult considering what's happened.

    Also I've been having trouble with housemates in my uni house recently as I was put in with a group of people who I'd never met before and they've basically been ganging up and bullying me so much I can't stand to live in the house and have had to move back home whilst I still commute an hour and a half to uni every day. I've been ignoring their phonecalls, texts and malicious Facebook messages, though since they can't get in contact with me they've been trying to contact me through my boyfriend. I just want them to leave me alone and he's not helping by replying to their messages, and won't delete them from his Facebook since he says they're 'really nice people' and that he enjoys chatting with them. I found it pretty hurtful that he's not respecting my decision to ignore them - especially as he barely knows them anyway and only from seeing them around the house - if someone bullying my boyfriend and causing him this much grief wanted to have a friendly chat with me on Facebook I'd just tell them to eff off and internet-punch them in the stomach for being such dicks. Besides, it's not as if they're going to invite him round for a friendly chat considering the circumstances so I don't know why he's so eager to stay in contact with them.

    Lately we've just been arguing about all of this, him saying that I should just trust him and let him live his life, and me feeling that he's not respecting me as a girlfriend and taking me for granted by doing all this rubbish, knowing I love him so much I can't just leave him.

    I want to sort this out more than anything, I believe it can be sorted but I don't know what to do. He's the only person I've ever been with who I can genuinely see myself with in the far-away future and don't want to give up on everything we have together as a couple just because of these problems.

    Apologies for the long post and sounding as if we should be on Jeremy Kyle. </3
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    tbh, your boyfriend is being a ****.
    He cannot expect you to 'just trust him again' after he has cheated. If you need some reassurance such as meeting his friends or occasionally going out with him, then he should be more than willing to oblige (seeming as he seemed so 'genuinely' remorseful of his cheating). Maybe suggest going to the cinema, or bowling, or even just to a pub for a more quiet, sociable, but still drink-based meeting.
    Also, he absolutely should not be chatting to people who made your life hell. Does he not care that they made you so upset they drove you out of the house? Seems suspicious to me, a group of *****y girls talking to your previously cheating boyfriend and hes 'ok' with it.
    Talk to him, hes being unreasonable.
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    Thankyou lovely <3

    Those are fantastic ideas, definitely worth giving a try. & it's good to know that I'm not the only person who thinks he's acting up! His parents are trying to give advice on the situation for both of us, but he hasn't told them about cheating on me so they think I'm being a bit crazy!
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    Your boyfriend sounds like a complete ****. If you can't actually talk to him about your concerns and he wont respect certain things you'd like, then dump him. Sounds like he's taking the relationship, and you, for granted. Don't stay in a relationship where you're unhappy unless there is a way you can work things out but from what you've said, it doesn't seem possible right now.
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    He keeps contact with the people that bullied you, cheated on you, and doesn't want to involve you in his social life. Yet you see a future with him?

    Get some courage and dump him. He's a douche and he's taking you for granted.
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    It doesnt sound like a good relationship. First relationships are always the hardest to walk away from...even when the worst possible things happen.

    If you're not happy...dont stay in there.

    Once you've been cheated on..then it's really hard to see the person in the same view again.....you have a reason to not trust him fully..and he should understand that.

    :dontknow: about his friends...but i've come across some guys who dont like their gf's to mee their friends..because their friends are really lound and annoying....but if it's been over a year he should have introduced you to them..especially if you have to your friends.
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    Your boyfriend has no respect for you at all. Why the hell is he being friendly and chatting to people that make your life misery?

    The guys a muppet. I think he won't let you see his friends because he routinely acts up when he goes out with them. You can understand seperating friends and girlfriend a bit, but not completely. I wonder how much they know of your relationship?

    He can't expect you to trust him after he has already cheated on you, then lied about it. You don't get any points for "owning up" when you've been caught lying. Not only that but he doesn't make any effort to change his behaviour. He goes out and gets wasted. Does what he pleases without caring what you think about it, when he (especially so soon after messing around) should be trying to make things up to you.

    He's completely taking you for a ride. And not a good one.

    So, so many girls settle into relationships like this. Why? Loving someone is not a free rule for them to as they please, and by his actions I'd say he definitely doesn't love you. (btw, the infatuation/chemical/hormone/LOVEISADRUG stage of your relationship will be starting to settle down now (12-18 months), so I dare say this is part of the reason for him being a **** - he doesn't want it any more.)
    I say dump him and get your self-respect back.
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    Speaking from experience..walk away and definately don't look back when he comes back begging two months later.
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    sorry to say it but if he's cheated on you sober and didn't feel guilty enough to tell you then he's more than likely doing it drunk
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    Sorry to say this, but I don't think that you should trust him any longer!
    My best mate is always cheating on his girlfriend.. Once a cheater, always a cheater. There's no way of getting around it. In my experience, after someone has cheated in a relationship, it's never the same again. I also think you could find equal happiness with someone else. Sorry to have to say it like that.
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    To be honest, I think you're going to cause yourself more heartache if you stay with him. You're going to have to deal with trying (and probably failing, understandably) to trust him again as well as dealing with what he did and trying to forgive him. When you can't trust him, you'll get frustrated with yourself, miserable and it'll cause tension in the relationship and you really don't deserve that. This is just my take on the matter, but I think that staying with him will just continue this pain and he may repeat what he did. Obviously you need to get to a stage where you let go and don't feel bitterness towards him, but there is a large difference between that and giving him affections that frankly he really does not deserve.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Is it possible?

    Last month I found out from someone that he'd been seen making out with another girl in public (and sober)

    Lately he has been really into going out with his friends and getting completely drunk, something he didn't seem bothered with before, and with friends I've never met and have no idea who they are. I suggest that we go to see them together, but he gets annoyed and says he never has any time to himself to see his friends.

    I've tried talking to him about my concerns about both the cheating and his unusual behaviour but he seems fed up of hearing it now as I bring it up often and wants me to just trust him anyway, which is rather difficult considering what's happened.

    I want to sort this out more than anything, I believe it can be sorted but I don't know what to do. He's the only person I've ever been with who I can genuinely see myself with in the far-away future and don't want to give up on everything we have together as a couple just because of these problems.

    Apologies for the long post and sounding as if we should be on Jeremy Kyle. </3
    It seems that his behaviour in going out and being one of the boys is a sign that hes looking for something... else... something more than just a life as the boy with the girlfriend... this perhaps suggests that at times he wants to feel free and single, so he wasnt thinking of you when the cheating occured...

    To bridge this gap I would directly talk to him about his need to be almost a different person and whether or not hes happy with his identity including a relationship (becaue you cant really have both!)

    Maybe if he realises you know and understand that hes trying to be different people (which is where the trust issue is a little) then drinking and partying with the lads wont be the escapism he may have been looking for... i dont know what else you can do though

    And the trust, well, I think that once hes sure of who he wants to be, you will be sure of how he will behave and will be able to trust him again
    • #1
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    #1

    Yay, you are all brilliant people, thank you so much! <3

    Having a talk between us tomorrow as today I'm madly completing a referred unit to hand in next week, & crossing my fingers it won't be too messy.
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    Hmm, just had an unpleasant phone conversation about it where I calmly expressed my current problems and worries regarding our relationship and his actions: he's really angry and still saying I should just "trust him anyway", that he doesn't want to hear any more of it and that I'm not letting him live his life or enjoy himself.

    If he has any kind of sense, he should know how in the wrong he is and that he needs to sort himself out before he's ready for a grown-up relationship. The only kind of girls he would get in his current state would be deluded 14 year olds who would just put up with being mistreated and taken advantage of, & I know that few other half-decent girls would never put up with his behaviour, though I'm still willing to sort it out if and when he has the maturity to sort himself out first.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hmm, just had an unpleasant phone conversation about it where I calmly expressed my current problems and worries regarding our relationship and his actions: he's really angry and still saying I should just "trust him anyway", that he doesn't want to hear any more of it and that I'm not letting him live his life or enjoy himself.

    If he has any kind of sense, he should know how in the wrong he is and that he needs to sort himself out before he's ready for a grown-up relationship. The only kind of girls he would get in his current state would be deluded 14 year olds who would just put up with being mistreated and taken advantage of, & I know that few other half-decent girls would never put up with his behaviour, though I'm still willing to sort it out if and when he has the maturity to sort himself out first.
    There are only so many attempts you can make to talk to him to try and sort it out before you lose your patience.
    He's trying to play the victim in all this when he should really grow a pair and take responsibility for his actions.
    The fact that he can't even talk about the issues that are worrying you suggests that he doesn't see how they affect you or why they bother you.
    Living his life and enjoying it does not mean he can hurt you like he has and treat you like you he has. He really needs to get a grip and you also need to realize that whilst he may not be all that bad, he's not treating you the way you treat him - that alone should be enough to help you see that you are better off without him.
    I understand that you are more than willing to forgive him and have a future with him, personally, its not the road I would go down because cheating is breaking trust and if don't/can't trust the person then you can't really love them. Honesty is the foundation of any relationship and its time he realized that. When and if his ego allows this, hopefully, you may be able to save your relationship.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    </3
    Personally for me I couldn't trust again even after a kiss. What the hell is "she was depressed" and "it just happened" ? Awful excuses (Not sure I know of any good excuses). I believe that thing some people say about trust being something you can put back together but it will never be the same again.

    Then again for me loyalty means everything and your bf seems to be consistently showing a lack of loyalty to you.

    Put him on his bike and tell him to do one.
 
 
 
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