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Parents want me to marry my cousin... Watch

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    Your family are important.

    But they are nowhere near as important as you. It's your life, your future, and you will be the one who has to live with the woman you marry. Don't marry anyone you don't want to. Do not be pressured. Choose what you want. It's up to you.
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    tbh i think the idea of marrying ur own cousin is quite odd

    but if u have no feelings for her then i suggest you shudnt get married

    dnt let ur mum force u into marriage it shud be ur decision not hers
    • #2
    #2

    I'm a British Asian who's the, er, by-product of two cousins and I really wish I weren't. Besides the stigma attached to the idea, I have a very rare blood disorder and ****ed up teeth which can't be fixed as a result meaning no one's going to be attracted to me anytime soon.

    Tell your parents to think of their grandchildren over anything else. Do they really deserve to suffer?
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by DeepStar)
    Also, whilst DNA mutation might mean your children will be born with high risks, a lot of cousins to get married and their children are born as normal so there are both sides to the studies you have mentioned. Hypothetically speaking, if the risks were extremely low, would you marry her?
    I don't really know what else to say other than speak calmly to your mum about how you feel about it all. Good luck
    A risk is a risk. Please, OP, avoid at all costs.
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    (Original post by s_libra)
    omg I totally forgot its April fools today But I don't think this is a joke sadly alot of this kind of stuff happens in asian families, one of the reasons I refuse to go to pakistan!


    .... because they force tourists to marry their cousins?
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    If your not interested, say no and stand by it. It'l be hard, but don't give in to pressure.

    Asian parents have a tendency to take advantage of their parental status by emotionally blackmailing their kids into doing what they want.

    This isn't always bad as parents generally do what's best for their kids. But sometimes you need to know when to draw the line.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Firstly thank you to all who replied with helpful comments. I wrote all of the OP on my phone and didn't realise how much I'd written until I read it just now! So props to all who managed to read all of it. :adore:

    Secondly, this isn't an April's Fool day joke... do you really think anyone would be sad enough to write all that on a PHONE just to troll? I doubt it...

    I wanted to reply to every comment but I don't have time so I won't be able to but a LOT of the comments here have reassured me that I'm doing the right thing.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm a British Asian who's the, er, by-product of two cousins and I really wish I weren't. Besides the stigma attached to the idea, I have a very rare blood disorder and ****ed up teeth which can't be fixed as a result meaning no one's going to be attracted to me anytime soon.

    Tell your parents to think of their grandchildren over anything else. Do they really deserve to suffer?
    This is the point I've been trying to get across the entire time. My mum's response is something along the lines of "Everyone I know who married their cousin turned out fine..." or "It's Allah's will, if it's going to happen we can't stop it...". I've tried every single thing I could to change her mind but she just wouldn't listen to me. What I'll try to do now is find someone who was born into a cousin marriage and has a disability and ask them to somehow reason with my mum.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This is the point I've been trying to get across the entire time. My mum's response is something along the lines of "Everyone I know who married their cousin turned out fine..." or "It's Allah's will, if it's going to happen we can't stop it...". I've tried every single thing I could to change her mind but she just wouldn't listen to me. What I'll try to do now is find someone who was born into a cousin marriage and has a disability and ask them to somehow reason with my mum.
    well I guess I could send a message or summat if you like. ;p
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    Or you could just flat-out tell your mother it aint happening.

    Let her know straight up how disgusting the notion of cousin marriage makes you feel.


    Your mum might not be able to relieve herself of her silly incestuous world view but at least she can appreciate the futility of her suggestion when she realises it holds absolutely no interest for you whatsoever.

    In a country where marrying the girl next door seems a little too close for comfort let alone distant cousins it is perplexing your mother seems totally oblivious to the fact there are plenty of nice Asian-British girls to potentially join the family.
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    Nononononononononononononononono nonononnono
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    Eh, if your family has been intermarrying for a while and you can't see any genetic disabilities in any children of other consanguineous marriages then maybe you're of good genetic stock and you lose the scientific argument for the health of your children. The real issue is your parents making you marry - you don't have to, it's your choice, and if you want to wait for love or someone very hot and rich then stand up to your parents.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Come on... you kinda knew this thread was from an Asian, didn't you?

    Long read ahead sorry so apologies in advance.

    So, I'm a British Asian. Pakistani to be exact. I've lived in Britain all my life but was born in Pakistan. Both my parents have large families in Pakistan (6 or 7 siblings each) and before you ask, no my parents aren't cousins, thankfully. This marrying one's cousin thing is quite popular in Pakistan since they want to "keep things in the family" and it's apparantly promoted by Quran as well, although I'm only a moderate Muslim so can't tell if it is or not myself. My aunties and uncles, on my mum's side as far as I know, have married some of their children to each other. Now these children aren't some uneducated layabouts in a tiny village in Pakistan. These people are either aborad and have a university education or have taken over their family business and taken it to new heights. So I'm assuming that they knew the risks and dangers of having children with their cousin...

    Now, I'm 19 and went to Pakistan for the first time in 10 years last year. We stayed at my auntie's house (more of a mansion tbh...) where they had about 5 staff working for them and a driver and 2 bodyguards/watchmen. I felt very uncomfortable about that but that's another topic for another time. So we were there for about a month and the only person my age in that house was their daughter, my cousin, who turned 18 recently I think. I hadn't seen this girl for 10/12 years and couldn't remember how she looked like. Now this girl is very spoilt. She has everything a girl could possibly ask for. She went to a £10k/pa international school in Pakistan and since she's the only daughter in a family with 4 sons they are very protective of her, etc.

    Ok so this girl. When we landed they all came to pick us up from the airport. It was an emotional reunion between my mum and my auntie and there was a lot of greeting/hugging etc and my siser and my cousin, being the only girls there, were talking and from the corner of my eye I could see tha see that the girl was staring at me. She was staring at me the entire time, 20 or so mminutes, that we were there and then for 3 days afterwards but I naturally assumed that this was because she hadn't seen me for so long. After about a week the awkwardness went away and I spoke to her and she seemed very friendly and was the only person there I could actually be around who was in any way similar to me. So for the next 3 weeks she showed me her town, with a bodyguard and the driver with us, and basically I was around her for about 10 hours each day but always thought of her as my cousin. When we were leaving she hugged me and started crying but I again assumed it's because she probably wouldn't see me for a long time and had no attraction topwards her whatsoever and didn't think she did either.

    Last month my mum got a call from my auntie and after a long phonecall my mum told me that my cousin really likes me and wants to marry me. Apparantly she hasn't been herself since I left and has been crying in her room quite often. My mum forced me to call her and I spoke to her and I could notice she was happy to speak to me but she's always been happy so I didn't notice anything different.

    This girl is very nice, caring and attractive to an extent that I'm sure any guy on TSR would be happy to date her. She's been very shielded so I think she's attracted to the idea of a relationship rather than me.

    Anyway, my mum has since been trying to get me to agree to the marriage. She says that I don't have to marry her until I finish my degree but that we have to get engaged this year. I've explained the reasons why it's so wrong but she always manages to mind**** me into a guilt trap somehow. She always gets emotional everytime I try to tell her the reasons, scientific reasons of what would be wrong with out children, I've even shown her studies and examples but she just refuses to listen to me. I love my mum more than anything in the world, she's done a lot for me but I'm running out of time and I really don't know what to do.

    I wrote all this on an iPhone lol so don't give me that tl;dr crap please. Took me agesss to type all that so really need some solid advice.
    At the end of the day, it's your choice. Your family might pressure you but you don't have to do anything. I know it's hard coming from a different culture, I have a dual nationality and my father's parents always tried to tell my mum to bring me up in "the old ways" (basically traditional stuff) and it used to cause a few problems. What you have to do is make a decision that will be best for you and stick to it, because your parents can't actually force you to do anything against your will. It's hard going against family but you have to do what's right for you. There are people you can contact to help you out: http://www.forcedmarriage.net/
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Firstly thank you to all who replied with helpful comments. I wrote all of the OP on my phone and didn't realise how much I'd written until I read it just now! So props to all who managed to read all of it. :adore:

    Secondly, this isn't an April's Fool day joke... do you really think anyone would be sad enough to write all that on a PHONE just to troll? I doubt it...

    I wanted to reply to every comment but I don't have time so I won't be able to but a LOT of the comments here have reassured me that I'm doing the right thing.



    This is the point I've been trying to get across the entire time. My mum's response is something along the lines of "Everyone I know who married their cousin turned out fine..." or "It's Allah's will, if it's going to happen we can't stop it...". I've tried every single thing I could to change her mind but she just wouldn't listen to me. What I'll try to do now is find someone who was born into a cousin marriage and has a disability and ask them to somehow reason with my mum.
    Yup, the religion arguments. A lot of religious families will use things like that (I've had similar type things said to me!) whatever religion they are, but you just have to explain that you're doing what is right for you and you hope your family will understand. They will eventually.
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    In your original post, you stress how well off your cousin's family are, with a very luxurious lifestyle and servants. Clearly, they have plenty of money.
    I don't want to ascribe ulterior motives to anyone, but I can see from parents' point of view this proposed marriage would be a very good way of keeping the money "in the family" as well as following what have been called "traditional values".
    I'm sorry but I can't help wondering how keen people would be on this marriage if the girl came from a poor rural family.
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    Cousin marriage is well linked to epilepsy. e.g. http://www.pjms.com.pk/issues/octdec...article10.html

    also in that article the news that cousin marriage is linked to low social status in pakistan - maybe that'll carry more weight with your mum :rolleyes:

    anacdotally I went to the national epilepsy centre for a job and just looking around the place there seemed to be a disproportionately high number of indian/pakistani looking patients there.
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    Tell your mum that you understand where she's coming from and that you find your cousin nice but there is no way in hell you're going to marry her. They can't literally make you marry her. It's your life, do what you please. You shouldn't have to marry someone you don't want to, esp a cousin, that's just eew!

    You have to put your foot down. You're 19 afterall, I'm sure you live away from home during Uni term time so you shouldn't have to deal with their manipulation for long. Why don't you ring your cousin and explain to her why you can't marry her. That way if she sees sense she'll let her mum and your mum know and then surely your parents should drop the whole idea.
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    Show her this?

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Hi guys op here, writing on a phone again so apologies in advance for poor English.

    Since the time I made the op I've managed to convinced my mum that we aren't a good match and I wouldn't be happy with her.. After all those arguments and hours wasted giving her scientific facts thats all it took. I'm very close to my mum and she to me (miracle child) so I guess my happiness was of some value to her.

    BUT

    While at uni ive controlled myself and not done anything that might seem unethical to Muslim parents because no matter how bad I still believe in Islam.

    But now for me it's turned into a case of damned if you do damned if you don't. Relatives clocked on that I'm going to a good uni doing a good course and that my future doesn't look too bleak and paired with the fact that I actually look healthy now (did drugs before, looked like male Amy winehouse) people have started asking my parents to get me married to their daughters wtf. They had like 3 proposals this year but good thing is they were all from people in uk and one of the girls was SEXY so maybe who knows. She doesn't like me tho I dont think so fack her.

    Anyway just thought I'd update everyone who posted in this thread.

    /life of a paki
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Also guys wtf is it that only paki girls like me... I have a paki flatmate and shes hinted so many times that we should go out (don't like her) and another paki girl likes me I think but no girl from any other culture seems attracted to me
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Come on... you kinda knew this thread was from an Asian, didn't you?

    Long read ahead sorry so apologies in advance.

    So, I'm a British Asian. Pakistani to be exact. I've lived in Britain all my life but was born in Pakistan. Both my parents have large families in Pakistan (6 or 7 siblings each) and before you ask, no my parents aren't cousins, thankfully. This marrying one's cousin thing is quite popular in Pakistan since they want to "keep things in the family" and it's apparantly promoted by Quran as well, although I'm only a moderate Muslim so can't tell if it is or not myself. My aunties and uncles, on my mum's side as far as I know, have married some of their children to each other. Now these children aren't some uneducated layabouts in a tiny village in Pakistan. These people are either aborad and have a university education or have taken over their family business and taken it to new heights. So I'm assuming that they knew the risks and dangers of having children with their cousin...

    Now, I'm 19 and went to Pakistan for the first time in 10 years last year. We stayed at my auntie's house (more of a mansion tbh...) where they had about 5 staff working for them and a driver and 2 bodyguards/watchmen. I felt very uncomfortable about that but that's another topic for another time. So we were there for about a month and the only person my age in that house was their daughter, my cousin, who turned 18 recently I think. I hadn't seen this girl for 10/12 years and couldn't remember how she looked like. Now this girl is very spoilt. She has everything a girl could possibly ask for. She went to a £10k/pa international school in Pakistan and since she's the only daughter in a family with 4 sons they are very protective of her, etc.

    Ok so this girl. When we landed they all came to pick us up from the airport. It was an emotional reunion between my mum and my auntie and there was a lot of greeting/hugging etc and my siser and my cousin, being the only girls there, were talking and from the corner of my eye I could see tha see that the girl was staring at me. She was staring at me the entire time, 20 or so mminutes, that we were there and then for 3 days afterwards but I naturally assumed that this was because she hadn't seen me for so long. After about a week the awkwardness went away and I spoke to her and she seemed very friendly and was the only person there I could actually be around who was in any way similar to me. So for the next 3 weeks she showed me her town, with a bodyguard and the driver with us, and basically I was around her for about 10 hours each day but always thought of her as my cousin. When we were leaving she hugged me and started crying but I again assumed it's because she probably wouldn't see me for a long time and had no attraction topwards her whatsoever and didn't think she did either.

    Last month my mum got a call from my auntie and after a long phonecall my mum told me that my cousin really likes me and wants to marry me. Apparantly she hasn't been herself since I left and has been crying in her room quite often. My mum forced me to call her and I spoke to her and I could notice she was happy to speak to me but she's always been happy so I didn't notice anything different.

    This girl is very nice, caring and attractive to an extent that I'm sure any guy on TSR would be happy to date her. She's been very shielded so I think she's attracted to the idea of a relationship rather than me.

    Anyway, my mum has since been trying to get me to agree to the marriage. She says that I don't have to marry her until I finish my degree but that we have to get engaged this year. I've explained the reasons why it's so wrong but she always manages to mind**** me into a guilt trap somehow. She always gets emotional everytime I try to tell her the reasons, scientific reasons of what would be wrong with out children, I've even shown her studies and examples but she just refuses to listen to me. I love my mum more than anything in the world, she's done a lot for me but I'm running out of time and I really don't know what to do.

    I wrote all this on an iPhone lol so don't give me that tl;dr crap please. Took me agesss to type all that so really need some solid advice.
    April fools, or not, you got that bit wrong didn't you pal.
 
 
 
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