Turn on thread page Beta

Am I being unfair/unreasonable? (Mother with anxiety disorder/depression) watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter

    I'm 20 years old and currently in my second year at university. I'm an only child and have been bought up in England with a mother from a different culture (South American) and and an English father. Since I was a child my mum has been diagnosed with Depression and anxiety disorder where she would have frequent panic attacks and has been on medication for over 10 years. Growing up she's always been on the overprotective side, it used to irritate me at times as a teen but I thought it was normal due to teenagers being vulnerable to attacks etc. As a teen growing up, I rarely had a life outside school. I had a group of close friends who we visited each other but sometimes we wouldn't do that for months. I never really went to house parties at the age, maybe the odd school disco but that's it. I went to a drama club for a while, which my mum resented at times because I was getting involved with people from different backgrounds compared with at school.

    When I was out of the house at that age, she always wanted to know where I was and who I was with. Sometimes she would even ring me when I was with those people to check up on it. Though her excuse was to see if I was "safe". Now, I am 20, at uni and renting a house with friends. I only live half hour away from my hometown, coincidentally the far away unis did not have the course I wanted to do. My mother is still treating me like this. I have said to her if I don't ring for a while I'm busy doing uni work or out with friends. Recently I've been up to my neck in uni work and rehearsals for exams (I study Drama). Last night I took a break and watched a play with my housemates. I told my mum that the play finished at 10:30 and I might arrive at my house at 11. Though I came home half hour later as the play finished later than usual and we stayed in the uni Bar talking to friends I haven't seen for literally months because of my uni workload. I don't think we were in the bar for that long even.

    When I rang to say I was back (she always has to know if I'm back from somewhere, even if it's 4 in the morning coming back from a night out) she was all like "oh thank God I was so anxious etc. You said you'd be home by 10:30. etc" I said the play was supposed to have finished by then and I did say I would be seeing friends afterwards. When she began to argue about this I just said things don;t always go as plan (play finished later etc.) and that I didn't know that aged 20, living away at uni that I still had a curfew. I spoke on the phone to my Dad about it (he's away travelling on business) and believes that she is acting out of order (she also thinks I'm not studying enough, which is bull) because my boyfriend will be staying over next weekend when the term and the majority of my deadlines will be done.

    Today was a busy day for me, I did some housework then went straight to the library to work on an essay for a few hours. I accidently left my phone in the house so when I arrived back I realised I had 4 missed calls from her. I told her last night anyway that I was going to be in the library but I guess she forgot about it. She said just because I'm at uni and learning to be independant it does not mean that I;m fully mature as they still pay for my groceries (Well technically my Dad does my Mum's a housewife) I have I told her straight I feel like I need to go out and do things without parental control, just stating. She has also rubbed her anxieties on me as I've been having slight anxiety problems now since I was 14 and worsened when I got depression aged 18 when a family member died.

    She then started raising her voice, accusing me of being aggressive and unreasonable. Am I? For starters, I didn't raise my voice at her just tried to be gentle as possible because she's really sensitive when it comes to criticism. She was the one who started raising her voice at me saying if I think I'm so old and independent don't bother ringing back, or ring back when I've "calmed down". I'm not intending to ring back unless she realises that she's the one with issues. Is that being unfair at all?

    Does anyone think I was being too harsh on her by stating this? For years I have felt under her thumb and anytime I tried talking to her and reasoning her with it she only tries to turn things into an argument. Almost every life decision I have made (from Studying Drama to going to a different place for sixth form) she had been against, and has even ridiculed. My Dad has accused her of being controlling, but she can't see it in herself at all. I would like to recommend therapy to her, but I know she's stubborn enough to refuse it.

    Note: She treats my dad exactly the same.
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 1, 2011
The home of Results and Clearing


people online now


students helped last year
How are you feeling about GCSE results day?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.