Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    When I was about 10 my dad told me he was going to divorce my mum when my little sister went to university. He told me not to tell my mum and I didn't.

    Fast forward 7 years.

    My dad left my mum, earlier than he said he would, and told her I hadn't told her he was going to leave. My mum gets very angry at me and tells me she will never forgive me and won't come to my wedding or funeral.

    My reasoning for not telling her: my little sister was 6, I thought he might change his mind in 12 years so why rock the boat. Secondly I was (still am) terrified of him, I rarely saw him as he went to work early, came home, hit me and my sister for anything my mum reported we'd done wrong, then ****ed off out until after we were in bed, every day. I didn't want to make him angry or make him hate me for telling her.

    Did I do something terrible or is what I did reasonable?
    Offline

    7
    ReputationRep:
    I don't believe you did anything wrong. Your dad put you in an horrible position. Your mum hopefully see sense soon and realise you haven't done that much wrong and it's your dads fault to put that on you when you were 10.

    Just talk to her, it seriously would help.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    im so sorry

    if your dad only mentioned it once its not unreasonable to think that in 12 years he might change his mind
    dont feel bad about it
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    no, i think your mum is being unfair, you were only 10 and you hoped it would change, it was unfair of your dad to put you in that position and tbh i wouldn't stay in contact with him after he actually told your mum that you "knew". and yes i would have done the same as you at that age, and 12 years is a long time, and oyu felt threatened. it is in no way your fault, i can understand why she's upset but it is not your fault, i'd give her time to cool off, then go and speak to her and explain. i mean you're still only 17, i really don't see how she can say those things to you. you must be feeling really awful but i really think once your mum has had time to calm down then things will be ok, though it might take a little while.
    • PS Reviewer
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    PS Reviewer
    You were 10, how were you supposed to know he was serious?
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    No, what you did is ok. It's not your fault and your mother shouldn't hold this against you.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    As sad as this scenario is, I don't think you did anything wrong. To me, it seems like you just didn't tell her because you didn't want to break her heart, or cause any pain or discomfort in her life that you didn't know whether it would happen or not.

    You did the right thing man, and I would have done the same. It isn't your fault that they got divorced but just try and do what you can to help her get through it. She probably doesn't really hate you or anythign, just the situation is... well really bad and you have to think about how she feels... .knowing that you knew this before she did..
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Bellissima)
    no, i think your mum is being unfair, you were only 10 and you hoped it would change, it was unfair of your dad to put you in that position and tbh i wouldn't stay in contact with him after he actually told your mum that you "knew". and yes i would have done the same as you at that age, and 12 years is a long time, and oyu felt threatened. it is in no way your fault, i can understand why she's upset but it is not your fault, i'd give her time to cool off, then go and speak to her and explain. i mean you're still only 17, i really don't see how she can say those things to you. you must be feeling really awful but i really think once your mum has had time to calm down then things will be ok, though it might take a little while.
    I forgot to mention, fast forward another 3 years. She still brings it up every time I talk to her or visit her or interact with her in any way, she still regularly screams at me over it so I tend to contact her as little as possible now.

    She still hasn't got over it, and yes I am very angry at him for telling her I knew, but mostly I just want other people's views on this as to whether I really am as bad as she's making out.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    When I was about 10 my dad told me he was going to divorce my mum when my little sister went to university. He told me not to tell my mum and I didn't.

    Fast forward 7 years.

    My dad left my mum, earlier than he said he would, and told her I hadn't told her he was going to leave. My mum gets very angry at me and tells me she will never forgive me and won't come to my wedding or funeral.

    My reasoning for not telling her: my little sister was 6, I thought he might change his mind in 12 years so why rock the boat. Secondly I was (still am) terrified of him, I rarely saw him as he went to work early, came home, hit me and my sister for anything my mum reported we'd done wrong, then ****ed off out until after we were in bed, every day. I didn't want to make him angry or make him hate me for telling her.

    Did I do something terrible or is what I did reasonable?
    No hun you were 10 years old-far too young to be burdened with such a big thing. You're mum was angry so probably didn't think reasonably. Over time she will think rationally and see your point of view. Maybe you could write what you've written in this thread in a letter and give it to her? Good luck and tbh from what I've read maybe it's a good thing he's out of her life...
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    Very unfair of your dad to do that to a ten year old child - my dad did similar, when he divorced my mam he got down on his knees, put his hands on my shoulders (I was 5) and told me he didn't love my mam and was going - this though was in front of my mam, he just didn't have the guts to tell her himself! You've not done anything at all wrong, is it possible you can speak to another trusted adult (maybe a relative) about this? I'm imagining your mum is a bit upset about the divorce - and might calm down if you give her time. It sounds a bit like you didn't have a very happy time with yoru dad as you grew up, which obviously isn't good either - noone should be scared of their parents!

    It might help you to talk all this over with someone?
    PM if you like xx
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I forgot to mention, fast forward another 3 years. She still brings it up every time I talk to her or visit her or interact with her in any way, she still regularly screams at me over it so I tend to contact her as little as possible now.

    She still hasn't got over it, and yes I am very angry at him for telling her I knew, but mostly I just want other people's views on this as to whether I really am as bad as she's making out.
    wow, i'm really sorry, that must be horrible... i don't really know what you can do since she isn't being rational about it. have you ever tried sitting down with her and talking about it properly? what about your sister, what does she think, would she help you? or another close family member you're both close to?

    maybe if she won't listen to you you could send her an e-mail/letter and explain everything properly and tell her how you feel? i know it'd probably feel a bit weird but she might read it and take it in instead of not listening when you talk to her.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I can't see how you've done anything wrong. As others were said, you were only 10 years old, would have had no idea he was serious, and as you said - he may well have changed his mind.

    This is such a sad situation, and I sincerely hope that your family can find some sort of unity and peace.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    don't beat yourself up over this - after all, all you did was what your dad told you not to do...

    just explain to your mum what your dad said and hopefully she'll come around
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Jeez, your mum is being a bit of a cow tbh.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    If my father told me something like that and then told my mum when he left her that I knew just to cause an issue he'd be leaving in an ambulance.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    i'm sorry (you've probably heard that so many times!) nope! it wasn't your fault, adults tend to use kids as scapegoats cuz they're too young to know anything. I hope you and your mum sort things out cuz you were just a child!
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    This actually makes me very sad to hear,not your fault at all, it's a shame your mum didn'tnnlet you support her.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 2, 2011
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Would you rather give up salt or pepper?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Write a reply...
    Reply
    Hide
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.