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Being single/my ex watch

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    Ok, bit of background- I pretty much always had boyfriends throughout high school, from the age of 13, despite going to an all-girls school. This doesn't mean I was a **** or something- I didn't sleep with all of them, and the main reason I was taken for so long was because I had two long-term relationships, one lasting a year and another lasting two and a half.
    My boyfriend and I broke up just before I left to start uni because the passion and attraction had gone and we were more like best friends. I had always thought growing up that I'd find the man I was going to marry at uni (I'm sure loads of girls do), and thought I would definitely find someone considering I always seemed to have a boyfriend when I wasn't even at a mixed school- not conceited, I just thought, chances are I'm going to meet someone.

    Anyway...October to December at uni I stayed single. Met a couple of guys (freshers) but it was obvious that getting a girlfriend was the last thing on their minds and they just wanted sex. But a few people at uni were already starting to couple up. It was so weird for me being 'the single one'. My best friends at uni all had someone special.

    Come the end of January and I miss this amazing third year guy who sweeps me off my feet and asks me out. I became the happiest I'd been at uni and had the most awesome time. Being with him made me feel like I could do anything and it actually really helped me with my studies and independence. But then he broke up with me suddenly, saying he didn't want a girlfriend, he just wanted us to be best friends so he didn't feel the pressure of being in a relationship. I was totally heartbroken. Now it's the holidays so I can't see him at all and I miss him like crazy. I want to be with him so badly. We talk every day with texting, emailing and/or skype (as 'best friends'), but everything I've heard is that you should impose 'no contact' on your ex in order for them to realise that they miss you and want you back, etc etc.
    So I don't know whether to start ignoring him or what :/.
    I know this other super sweet guy who is really into me and has asked me out on a date even though he goes to uni miles away (but lives closer out of term time). He's not the type to have ONS or anything like that, he's properly traditional. But I know that I'm still in love with my ex. I wish I could just like this guy or anyone else instead of my ex but I can't. It used to be easy for me to 'rebound' when I was in high school but now it just feels wrong. I feel like if I dated someone else, I'd be thinking about him the whole time and it's not fair to the other person. Or should I just do it if it will help me get over him?

    But probably the worst thing about the whole situation is that I'm scared. When I was in a relationship I was so happy, and now I feel like I can't be happy. I KNOW that you're meant to make your own happiness, love yourself first etc, but I feel like one of those pathetic people who NEEDS a relationship to be happy. I can only think that its because it's what I'm so used to. Being single terrifies me. You'd think being single for 3 months would have allowed me to find peace with it and enjoy being single- but I enjoyed it for a couple of weeks and then it started really getting me down. I'm okay when everyone around me is single and we go on girls nights out etc but that's the only time it seems to be fun. I've tried everything- hobbies, sports, friends, focusing on my work, but all I can think about is the fact I'm single and 'alone'. Should I just accept that I need a relationship to be happy?? Or might it come in time? Am I not happy because I'm not over my ex and want him back?

    TL;DR version: I'm single and I'm not happy. I've been asked out on a date by a really nice guy but I'm still in love with my ex.
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    if you're not happy then leave him and go on a date with the 'really nice guy'.
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    i'd ignore your ex, and see if it makes him miss you, but i wouldn't date the super sweet guy it's not fair to build his hopes up when it's obvious you aren't ready for anything serious because you still love your ex.
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    You haven't been properly single at all. You've been in constant contact with your ex who you've been in love with the whole time. As an aside, if he knows you still love him, he's an absolute ******* for continuing to string you along. "Best friends" my arse. If you have such good potential to be friends, leaving it for 6 months/a year before resuming contact is not going to hurt. I doubt you just want to be friends any way.

    It'd be wrong to get into a relationship with this new guy while you're still pining for you ex, and you're smart enough to realise this. I'd suggest being on your own for a while.

    Again, you acknowledge that you should make your own happiness. So many people place all their worth in what one person thinks of them - it's wrong. Nobody "needs" a relationship to be happy, they need to be happy with themselves. Being in relationships since you were young is irrelevent, really.

    I don't think you'll ever be happy while you have this unresolved issue with your ex, though. You have to cut him off, if you ask me.
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    (Original post by Magsam)
    You haven't been properly single at all. You've been in constant contact with your ex who you've been in love with the whole time. As an aside, if he knows you still love him, he's an absolute ******* for continuing to string you along. "Best friends" my arse. If you have such good potential to be friends, leaving it for 6 months/a year before resuming contact is not going to hurt. I doubt you just want to be friends any way.

    It'd be wrong to get into a relationship with this new guy while you're still pining for you ex, and you're smart enough to realise this. I'd suggest being on your own for a while.

    Again, you acknowledge that you should make your own happiness. So many people place all their worth in what one person thinks of them - it's wrong. Nobody "needs" a relationship to be happy, they need to be happy with themselves. Being in relationships since you were young is irrelevent, really.

    I don't think you'll ever be happy while you have this unresolved issue with your ex, though. You have to cut him off, if you ask me.
    Okay so the problem is, I can't cut him off.
    If it wasn't bad enough that he lives a few doors away from me currently, we've signed a contract to live together next year (BEFORE we got together). We were both in a desperate housing situation and had no one to live with where we want to live (it's actually how we met). So yeah, we're meant to be living together in October, just the two of us. I'm willing to try it out, not that I have much choice.If it's going to be me having my ex in my face all the time and desperately wanting to be with him, I know I'm not going to be able to live with that. But if living together and spending all that time together (and it being really easy to see me alongside doing his studies) brings him back to me...then that's another story.
    So you can see why I'm reluctant to let go, because living with my ex next year would suck but living with my boyfriend would be great.
    Yeah I know, it's a stupid situation. But before he asked me out we reasoned that we get along so great, there would never be hard feelings, which is kind of true. I feel no anger or resenment towards him. Just love him unfortunately.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay so the problem is, I can't cut him off.
    If it wasn't bad enough that he lives a few doors away from me currently, we've signed a contract to live together next year (BEFORE we got together). We were both in a desperate housing situation and had no one to live with where we want to live (it's actually how we met). So yeah, we're meant to be living together in October, just the two of us. I'm willing to try it out, not that I have much choice.If it's going to be me having my ex in my face all the time and desperately wanting to be with him, I know I'm not going to be able to live with that. But if living together and spending all that time together (and it being really easy to see me alongside doing his studies) brings him back to me...then that's another story.
    So you can see why I'm reluctant to let go, because living with my ex next year would suck but living with my boyfriend would be great.
    Yeah I know, it's a stupid situation. But before he asked me out we reasoned that we get along so great, there would never be hard feelings, which is kind of true. I feel no anger or resenment towards him. Just love him unfortunately.
    Christ, what a pile of ****e that situation is going to be!

    I know it's kind of redundant, but it was rather silly to fall in love with someone you'd agreed to live with That's like, uni 101. Be friendly and courteous, nothing more!

    I don't really know what to say to be honest. It's pretty brutal. You aren't "together" at the moment because he doesn't want to be with you.. and you hope that just being around each other is going to make him realise what he's missing..?

    Knowing that you're going to be living together has changed my opinion from my first post. He might not be stringing you along, he needs to keep your relationship friendly because you're going to be with each other so much and he has no choice in it. I don't know if that's better or worse for you.
    What happens if he gets together with another girl when you're living together..?

    You have my complete sympathy. It sounds like its going to completely drain you emotionally. Probably him too. If you can find any way to get out of it.. x
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    (Original post by Magsam)
    Christ, what a pile of ****e that situation is going to be!

    I know it's kind of redundant, but it was rather silly to fall in love with someone you'd agreed to live with That's like, uni 101. Be friendly and courteous, nothing more!

    I don't really know what to say to be honest. It's pretty brutal. You aren't "together" at the moment because he doesn't want to be with you.. and you hope that just being around each other is going to make him realise what he's missing..?

    Knowing that you're going to be living together has changed my opinion from my first post. He might not be stringing you along, he needs to keep your relationship friendly because you're going to be with each other so much and he has no choice in it. I don't know if that's better or worse for you.
    What happens if he gets together with another girl when you're living together..?

    You have my complete sympathy. It sounds like its going to completely drain you emotionally. Probably him too. If you can find any way to get out of it.. x
    Haha looks bad I know...
    This is why it's more complicated than the typical 'getting over your ex' situation.
    Yeah I've told him numerous times "you're just trying to keep me sweet so you have somewhere to live next year" but he passionately denies that, and says he really likes me and I'm him favourite person to spend time with yada yada.
    About getting with another girl...okay I don't want to go into why, but the reason/s he broke up with me quite literally mean that he doesn't want a girlfriend. More than just the work reason. He says if he was going to be with someone, he'd be with me. I've told him that since he's said that, if he ends up seeing someone else, there's no way I'm going to stick around in that flat! Not only because I'd have to see them together but because he would be a liar.
    He on the other hand, says he encourages me to see other people and says it would make him happy to see that I was happy with someone else. He admits it would be hard literally seeing me and someone else together but that ultimately it would be the best situation. Which is just another kick in the teeth!
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    Bump?
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    So the ex situation is crappy and I can't see any good way out of it...

    Does anyone have any general tips about learning to be single and happy?
    I know how pathetic that sounds, don't worry. Maybe independent is the right word.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So the ex situation is crappy and I can't see any good way out of it...

    Does anyone have any general tips about learning to be single and happy?
    I know how pathetic that sounds, don't worry. Maybe independent is the right word.
    He's either an EXTREMELY sefless guy or just someone who's trying to create as little awkwardness as possible. That's a pretty terrible situation you have.

    It's getting warmer, go find an outdoor sport you would enjoy playing and immerse yourself in it. You will be able to take out any emotional frustration on the sport while keeping yourself busy.
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    Embrace being single. You're a fresher at uni, you'll have plenty of time to settle down for a relationship. Have some promiscuous fun; given your background, you sound like you need it.
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    (Original post by TurboS)
    He's either an EXTREMELY sefless guy or just someone who's trying to create as little awkwardness as possible. That's a pretty terrible situation you have.

    It's getting warmer, go find an outdoor sport you would enjoy playing and immerse yourself in it. You will be able to take out any emotional frustration on the sport while keeping yourself busy.
    Erm, how is he being selfless? He broke up with me when we had a near-perfect relationship just because he isn't mature enough for a relationship yet. I think being nice to me is the very least he could do...he is in fact being incredibly selfish considering I did nothing wrong and was a good girlfriend to him after he asked me out. He even says so himself.

    (Original post by FrigidSymphony)
    Embrace being single. You're a fresher at uni, you'll have plenty of time to settle down for a relationship. Have some promiscuous fun; given your background, you sound like you need it.
    (Your username is ironic considering!)
    You say that, and yeah I could go and do that, but the rest of TSR would just say I was a slut. Screw TSR, all my friends would think so too. I'm sure if you're a guy it's great being single. But when you're a girl (at least in my experience) you feel awfully guilty for sleeping with someone who you're not going out with, or flirting with numerous guys at the same time, etc etc. And a problem with living in a house rather than halls is I can't have anyone over without my whole household knowing about it, so yeah they'd know. I saw different guys during the first term at uni, ridiculously naively thinking they were actually interested in me as a person. It's a nice esteem boost at the time but afterwards you just feel awful.
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    Realised I sound a bit pissy in my replies- sorry, you're only trying to help. Just feeling particularly bad today.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    (Your username is ironic considering!)
    You say that, and yeah I could go and do that, but the rest of TSR would just say I was a slut. Screw TSR, all my friends would think so too. I'm sure if you're a guy it's great being single. But when you're a girl (at least in my experience) you feel awfully guilty for sleeping with someone who you're not going out with, or flirting with numerous guys at the same time, etc etc. And a problem with living in a house rather than halls is I can't have anyone over without my whole household knowing about it, so yeah they'd know. I saw different guys during the first term at uni, ridiculously naively thinking they were actually interested in me as a person. It's a nice esteem boost at the time but afterwards you just feel awful.
    Why should you feel awful? You have every right to enjoy yourself first and foremost and to take care of your needs before even beginning to give a damn about what society thinks. As for the gender-related double standard, here's what I've always found- if you maintain a level of class and sophistication when choosing your partners, and don't let your standards decay simply because it's "just sex" (why sex itself should be diminished like that, I will never understand. It's a perfectly valid reason unto itself), you won't come across as a slut, but as a liberated, self-confident libertine.
    One other important thing: always put the cards on the table before anything happens. People need to know what they're getting into, even if it may seem unromantic.
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    (Original post by FrigidSymphony)
    Why should you feel awful? You have every right to enjoy yourself first and foremost and to take care of your needs before even beginning to give a damn about what society thinks. As for the gender-related double standard, here's what I've always found- if you maintain a level of class and sophistication when choosing your partners, and don't let your standards decay simply because it's "just sex" (why sex itself should be diminished like that, I will never understand. It's a perfectly valid reason unto itself), you won't come across as a slut, but as a liberated, self-confident libertine.
    One other important thing: always put the cards on the table before anything happens. People need to know what they're getting into, even if it may seem unromantic.
    Do you think someone can sleep with 'too many' people?
    I have this thing about not wanting to go over 10, especially when I'm not even in my twenties quite yet- although it's currently under 10. But I know a girl who's a year younger than me and has been with 20 or more guys, and she thinks nothing of it! It's something that really bothers me though and I don't really know why- it's stupid if you think about it. I was trying to save myself for sex only within relationships, but then I'm going to want to get into relationships for the wrong reasons maybe
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    try the nice guy? worst thing that happens is it doesnt hit off but u stay mates?
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    You need to love yourself before you can love someone else

    What you're describing is dependency
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Erm, how is he being selfless? He broke up with me when we had a near-perfect relationship just because he isn't mature enough for a relationship yet. I think being nice to me is the very least he could do...he is in fact being incredibly selfish considering I did nothing wrong and was a good girlfriend to him after he asked me out. He even says so himself.
    He's being selfless because he may realize that he doesn't have time for any relationship right now, and is telling you that it shouldn't stop you from finding someone to be happy with. He wants you to be happy even if it means he has to see you with someone else. It may have nothing to do about maturity, just time and priorities on his part.

    Sometimes it doesn't matter how good a girlfriend you have been, the situation may just not support a relationship.

    All that I'm saying could be false, if he is just not interested and just trying to say it in a nice way.
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    (Original post by Reflexive)
    You need to love yourself before you can love someone else

    What you're describing is dependency
    Yes, I know.
    Dependency- I has it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Do you think someone can sleep with 'too many' people?
    I have this thing about not wanting to go over 10, especially when I'm not even in my twenties quite yet- although it's currently under 10. But I know a girl who's a year younger than me and has been with 20 or more guys, and she thinks nothing of it! It's something that really bothers me though and I don't really know why- it's stupid if you think about it. I was trying to save myself for sex only within relationships, but then I'm going to want to get into relationships for the wrong reasons maybe
    Nothing wrong with it at all. For ****'s sake, I've been through something like 15 since September alone, and I've got love handles. People want to have fun, and more people than you'd think want uncomplicated enjoyment. Lose the bloody stigma and enjoy yourself!
 
 
 
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