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English GCSE revision help please? Can you tell me what grade you think this is? watch

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    I'm revising triplets, and the one I chose to do today was arguments. My argument is "It is a challenge to be yourself and to do what is right"

    Here is my argument:

    I firmly believe that it is a challenge to do what is right, when you have frequent temptations, provocatively tugging at your mind.
    When you are a teenager, you feel like it is absolutely essential to fit in with other people your age group, but guess what? It’s not. We can do what you want, wear what we (want within reason), and act how we want. But most teenagers are not aware of this, and that is how we get pulled into peer pressure.
    The problem with peer pressure is that it does what it says on the tin. It ‘pressures’ you to do what typically wouldn’t’, but been persuaded. And that’s why I feel that it is a challenge to be myself, because it seems as if following the crowd is today’s new trend, and if I’m not part of that trend, I’m not part of anything.
    Another point I would like to state is, the fact that most people suffer bullying, just for being plainly who they want to be, and so they try to change themselves, to fit the bully’s idea of perfect. I agree with the fact that it is a tough job trying to be yourself in today’s society, and no one wants to get bullied, but things are changing, and day by day we see people who stand out from the rest, and we realise that being different is fine, because if others can accept it, you can too.
    Along with the confusion of personality withdrawal that some people may face, doing what is right is quite a hard challenge also. We see so many bad characters on T.V it’s no wonder why some of us try to live up to their image. I agree that it is enlightening to see that some people can be destructive, and often get away without consequences, but we often forget that this is T.V, and not real life.
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    I reckon that's a B. Nice use of rhetorical question and rule of three. Have you ever done the AFOREST acronym? Might sound silly but it really helped me to cram some nice stylistic devices into my writing: anecdotes, facts, opinions, rhetorical questions, emotive language, statistics, three (rule of).

    Hope this helps! Good luck (:
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    I would say a solid B. Sophisticated vocab, range of puncutation, short sentenses, exageration etc. Would catapult it into a higher grade.
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    Comma overload. :headfire:

    You need some originality to put some flair into your writing; it's so plain and lacking emotion.

    A B grade, possibly C if I'm being very critical.
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    I would recommend starting with a rhetorical question, for example: When does a challenge become a challenge? I firmly believe that it is challenging challenging sounds better to do what is right, when you have frequent temptations provocatively tugging at your undeveloped mind.
    When you're putting "you're" may appear to be lazy, but it shows that you can use your and you're correctly a teenager, you feel like it is absolutely essential to fit in with other people your age group, but guess what? It’s not. You can do what you want, wear what you want (within reason), and act how you want use a synonym for "want" but still use a list of three. But most teenagers are not aware of this, and that is how we get pulled into peer pressure. You keep on changing from "we" to "you", which could show understanding, but, in this case, it seems like you're not doing in accidently - keep it to "you" or "we". In this case, I've chosen to change the middle sentence to "you."
    The problem with peer pressure is that it does what it says on the tin. It ‘pressures’ you to do what you typically wouldn’t, but been persuaded Check this sentence: the structure makes it hard to understand.. And that’s why I feel that it is a challenge to be myself , because it seems as if following the crowd is today’s new trend, and if I’m not part of that trend, I’m not part of anything. The first part is a bit clunky. Try make it two sentences - one short and one complex. However, I like the latter part of the sentence.
    Another point I would like to state is, Not needed - delete it the fact that most people suffer bullying, just for being plainly who they want to be, and, therefore, parenthetical commas. try to change themselves, to fit a bully’s idea of perfect. I agree that it is tough trying to be yourself, in a society like today. No one wants to get Synonym for "get" bullied, but things are changing, and day by day we see people who stand out from the rest, and we realise that being different is fine, because if others can accept it, you can too.
    Along with the confusion of personality withdrawal that some people may face, doing what's "is ... is" doesn't sound great. right is quite a hard challenge also don't use "also" at the end of this specific sentence, use it at the begining or use a synonym: "However, as well as.... We see so many bad characters on T.V I'm stuck here ";" or "," as it can be a sentence on its own, but it doesn't feel right putting a ";" there. it’s delete no wonder why some of us try to live up to their image. I agree that it is enlightening to see that some people can be destructive, and often get synonym away without consequences, but we often forget that this is T.V, and not real life.


    To get the "A" you need: links, anecdotes, facts, and varied sentence structure (short sentences for effect). For "A*" you need originality and humour, to match the audience: "enviro-mental" for example - it's a link from "bulletstorm," it has two meanings and (apart from me) no one has ever used it in an exam before; you could use it like this (obviously, not for your essay): "Our school is (not) enviro-mental."

    I've just given you an example on how to secure that B, to achieve the A you need this:

    -Use semi-colons;
    -Fix commas (for A - A*), but it's not as bad as people are making out;
    -More features;
    -Use metaphors;
    -Use more complicated similes;
    -Use links at the end of a paragraph, and at the start of the next.


    BTW: Starting a essay with incorrect use of commas is bad. Always, start with short sentences:
    "Cold. Silent. Dark" - list of three; short sentences for effect.
    "Silence."
    "****" - Joking. Don't start your essay with a swear word.

    A / A*
    • shows sophisticated understanding of the purpose and format of the task
    • shows sustained awareness of the reader / intended audience
    • content coverage is well-judged, detailed, and pertinent
    • arguments are convincingly developed and supported by relevant detail
    • ideas are selected and prioritised to construct sophisticated argument
    • paragraphs are effectively varied in length and structure to control progression
    • confident and sophisticated use of a range (A, but not A*, yet)of stylistic devices adapted to purpose /
    audience
    • a wide range of appropriate, ambitious vocabulary is used to create effect or convey
    precise meaning
    there is appropriate and effective variation of sentence structures
    • there is a sophisticated use of simple, compound and complex sentences to
    achieve particular effects (AKA: Do it for a reason)
    • accurate punctuation is used to vary pace, clarify meaning, avoid ambiguity and
    create deliberate effects
    • virtually all spelling, including that of complex irregular words, is correct
    tense ("we" to "the teenager" to "we" to "the teenager" - stick with one. I would choose "we" as it more sophisticated understanding of the reader, and you are directly addressing them, so it's a feature. Or, you could have a few rhetorical questions directly addressed ("we") to the user, with the rest being "you / the teenager" which is A*, rather than A.)changes are used confidently and purposefully The chagne from "the teenager" to "we" seems accidental..

    Red = what you have to do to achieve the A* / A
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    I'd second the others and say B. Overuse of commas/need more sophisticated structures/some odd word use/need to cram in a few more stylistic devices to wow the examiners. I think you should be able to get it up fairly easily though: you have the basics there.
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    also for the high grades try and use specialist and abstract knowledge (yes, you can make stuff up providing it sounds correct), also a good controversial essay which goes against what the majority believes will stand out much more than a good conforming one although they are generally harder to do.
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    (Original post by Helloworld_95)
    also for the high grades try and use specialist and abstract knowledge (yes, you can make stuff up providing it sounds correct), also a good controversial essay which goes against what the majority believes will stand out much more than a good conforming one although they are generally harder to do.
    Like "enviro-mental". Boom.
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    Lol, thank you everybody seriously!
    The only thing I can't really do is make links between paragraphs, I find that really hard.
    I also don't know what an anecode is =S, and I have a comma addiction =/ so yeah, I'll just work on those things and everything else you guys have mentioned.
    Once again, thanks!
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    (Original post by TammieNo5)
    Lol, thank you everybody seriously!
    The only thing I can't really do is make links between paragraphs, I find that really hard.
    I also don't know what an anecode is =S, and I have a comma addiction =/ so yeah, I'll just work on those things and everything else you guys have mentioned.
    Once again, thanks!
    Commas go all the way up to A*, so don't worry about it. Based on reading that, in my opinion, you're putting commas every time you see there could be a pause.

    An anecdote is "a short and amusing or interesting story about a real incident or person."

    Looking at the mark scheme again (the latter part of the colourful post), you could also vary the start of your sentences, for example:
    "Also, this gives the impression..."
    "This also gives the impression..."

    Also, you could use: colloquial language (Ain't that) for EFFECT, with speech marks around it, to show that you used it purposefully. And, you could (I can't remember what it's called) do that technique in which you present an opinion as if it's a fact e.g: It is common knowledge that all teenagers are lazy. A fact would be: 50% of teenagers are lazier than Steve Jobs. (This is an example. We aren't lazy, well - I'm not - I hope).
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    (Original post by Hiya123321)
    I can't remember what it's called)
    I think it's called assertion. Also, do you have any tips on how to write coherently (eg. links between paragraphs etc.)
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    (Original post by Benmaster)
    I think it's called assertion. Also, do you have any tips on how to write coherently (eg. links between paragraphs etc.)
    To get links between paragraphs, plan. I know my teacher kept on at me to plan, plan, plan and it worked. No matter how long you have left in an exam, plan.

    For example, if your question was: "Write an article on how to control your teenagers", then this would be your plan.

    P - To advise
    A - Parents
    T - Article

    Formal language; but some informal for effect.

    Plan:
    - Intro, informal langguage used for effect - are your terrible teens "blagging" (lying) their way through school? Rhetorical question, alliteration, "blagging"- sophistication End with: "this simple guide will teach you how not to "kick off" (get angry), but to control your teenage terrors."

    - Paragraph two. How not to kick off (get angry). Now, stop using informal language, otherwise it looses its effect. Intro: "Behaviour! First of all you have the terrible twos, now you have to deal with controlling your teenagers." Link between end sentence of intro "control your teenage terrors" and start of paragraph two "controlling your teenagers." End: "But, be warned, this angry teenager won't admit defeat for long."

    This is how it would actually look in exam conditions:
    - Para 3
    long term
    Start - "You have to get the punishments correct, otherwise it won't last."
    End - "Even with these punishments, they can still "rebel" against you and that's not good (surprisingly)" sarcasm

    - Para 4
    rewards
    Start - "What does a teenager want?"
    End - "Reward are a great way to keep your under control; but, their teeth won't be under control."

    -Para 5
    Keeping your teen clean Rhyming, in prose, is good.
    etc etc.

    If you want me to take a look at your links between sentences, and being concise, do an intro (you can do this title if you want: "Write an article on how to control your teenagers") and I'll have a look at it for you.
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    (Original post by Hiya123321)
    To get links between paragraphs, plan. I know my teacher kept on at me to plan, plan, plan and it worked. No matter how long you have left in an exam, plan.

    For example, if your question was: "Write an article on how to control your teenagers", then this would be your plan.

    P - To advise
    A - Parents
    T - Article

    Formal language; but some informal for effect.

    Plan:
    - Intro, informal langguage used for effect - are your terrible teens "blagging" (lying) their way through school? [COLOR="Lime"]Rhetorical question, alliteration, "blagging"- sophistication[/COLOR] End with: "this simple guide will teach you how not to "kick off" (get angry), but to control your teenage terrors."

    - Paragraph two. How not to kick off (get angry). Now, stop using informal language, otherwise it looses its effect. Intro: "Behaviour! First of all you have the terrible twos, now you have to deal with controlling your teenagers." [COLOR="lime"]Link between end sentence of intro "control your teenage terrors" and start of paragraph two "controlling your teenagers."[/COLOR] End: "But, be warned, this angry teenager won't admit defeat for long."

    [COLOR="lime"]This is how it would actually look in exam conditions:[/COLOR]
    - Para 3
    long term
    Start - "You have to get the punishments correct, otherwise it won't last."
    End - "Even with these punishments, they can still "rebel" against you and that's not good (surprisingly)" [COLOR="lime"]sarcasm[/COLOR]

    - Para 4
    rewards
    Start - "What does a teenager want?"
    End - "Reward are a great way to keep your under control; but, their teeth won't be under control."

    -Para 5
    Keeping your teen clean [COLOR="lime"]Rhyming, in prose, is good.[/COLOR]
    etc etc.

    If you want me to take a look at your links between sentences, and being concise, do an intro (you can do this title if you want: "Write an article on how to control your teenagers&quot and I'll have a look at it for you.
    Thanks, I will definately do that. I will do it tomorrow because my brain is already hurting from all the maths revision today =s But thanks alot, you really don't know how much your help means to me right now!

    Sorry I haven't got back to you lately with this, but trust me I have been VERY busy, but when I get the time I will do it, because it would help me alot.
    I am still very grateful for everyones help!
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    Ok.

    Are you the unfortunate parent of a crazy and or wild teen? Do you miss your angelic Then keep reading, because this article is especially for you!

    Before we get some answers, we need to find a diagnosis to this perplexingly popular topic. So for starters, you know your child is rebelious when:
    He or she does not return your phone calls, your conversations subsequently end with a door slamming, his or her friends become more important than you, Is this you? Then read on.

    What causes a teenager to be rebelious?
    Well, many teens are desperate for the attention, lack of attention can make anyone self supressed and audacious. Maybe they just like the fact that family is family, and no matter what they say, you won't take it to heart. Peer pressure, every parents nightmare, but believe it or not, there is a cure!









    So far that's all I have time to write! I will write the next paragraphs soon, in the next paragraph I plan to link the paragraph before by explaining each point further. Is it possible to mark that so far? Thanks people!!
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    (Original post by TammieNo5)
    Ok.

    Are you the unfortunate parent of a crazy and or wild teen? A rhetorical question at the start of a article is an "A" grade. To improve it use "sophisticated language" AKA: "crazy" is something a 15 year old would put, but in an exam / piece of c/w, you're acting as a professional article writer . Do you miss your angelic ...? Then keep reading, because this article is especially for you!

    Before we get find some answers, we need to find a diagnosis to this perplexingly popular topic Alliteration - B / C grade - but remember you need all the B / C stuff to get the A*. . So, for starters, you know your child is rebelious when:
    he or she does not return your phone calls; your conversations, subsequently, Parenthetical commas end with a door slamming and their showing you can use their / there and it sounds better than his or her friends become more important than you; is this you? Then read on.

    What causes a teenager to be rebelious? Well, Too informal / chatty many teens are desperate for the attention, lack of attention can make anyone self supressed and audacious. I know what you mean, but it doesn't make sense. Maybe: Many teens are desperate for the attention that they may, or (most probably) don't deserve; however, a lack of attention can lead anyone, including adults, to become self supressed and audacious. Just imagine this, amplified with the waves of homework and upcoming GCSE's. Address' the reader directly.

    Maybe they just like the fact that family is always family, and no matter what they say, you won't take it to heart. Peer pressure is every parent's nightmare; but, believe it or not, there is a cure!

    I would go on to say how to make your teens return phone calls, reduce arguments (how to win your arguments: punishments, deals) etc.
    There's very little to improve.
    Red - delete
    Green- added / add
    Bold underline - comments

    I would add:
    -Horror stories from people (anecdotes);
    -Check punctuation;
    -Informal language for effect;
    -Use metaphors;
    -Tense changes - part of horror stories;
    -Conclusion has to be great to get an A.
 
 
 
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