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    Hey, i started revising for AQA English Language A and i tried a descriptive writing exam question. If you can read it and give it a grade and comment on ways to improve then thank you. Criticism accepted

    Describe a city, real or imagined?





    It rattled through the mass and drummed of the shacks. It roared through the air and engulfed those near by. It conquered my heart and blocked the blood that flowed by. It was everywhere. It motivated me; it scared me. It made me fear all that i loved: my safety, my body and my soul. Selfishness? Not even close. Was it only me? I didn't think so. Could it have scared everyone? I'm sure. But why? It was just an eerie sound. Half blowing, half booming. It was strange. But why? It got louder by the minute and the blood that coursed through my body, ripped through my veins and made the little, miniature, binomial particles of blood repel one another. Scared! Definitely.

    They scurried desperately. though not a thing if such pleasant sight, still my heart was affectionate for this helpless and unimportant creature. it nibbled at the tough steel shacks. there was no food. Just the sweet moisture that flowed mellifluously in the air. The creature glanced a sneak peak at all angles, trying to effortlessly locate some food. It was hungry, and i couldn't possibly describe how i felt. Past hunger. That's for definite. I picked up the decomposing leaf from the floor and handed it, in a friendly gesture to the creature. It didn't have a seconds thought before both claws went for my and and the nibbling mouth lapped up the leaf. The whole leaf.

    Steel. Protective. That's what i thought. Yet the sound shook it's very foundation; disassembling what was a strong safety feature, now making it a weak wrought piece of everyday metal. Just like all others, succumbing to the sheer strength of the booming sound and all the blitzing wind it brought with it too. Something tells me that this is not the end. There was something going on. I didn't know. My instinctive animal traits have been cowardly undressed by the booming noise. I haven't planned or even thought of leaving. Have i lost?

    They stood there aimlessly. Blackly looking at the sky, remembering the joys of early lives. The formations of their very existence in their mothers womb. No worries, no fear. Just the worry of the after taste of the food that soared through the umbilical cord; providing a safe haven of nutrients. The drools swung low from their mouths and they sat their defeated. Lost. It was a real life remake remake of 'The Hare and The Tortoise'; except we already know who's going to win. Survive?. Their eyes spelt a sigh of spryness and as they sky roared and growled with the wind, their expression changed. Motionless.

    Now both the booming sound, the creature and the existence that stood motionless succumbed both to nature and it's evil wits. It was sly. I felt excited. But all for the wrong reasons. The booming grew louder. I grew scared. The blood sequenced in a rhythmic co ordinance with the engulfing sound. As the sound grew louder, my veins Took a bashing from my agitated blood. If it bursts i die. If not, i'm hungry; I die,
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    Any one
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    This was always the most fun thing in English.
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    I wish I could write like that.

    I love it.
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    (Original post by FindBeautyInNegativeSpace)
    I wish I could write like that.

    I love it.
    Really. Thanks a lot.
    if you could what grade what you say it is, and what would need improving?
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    Uncapitalised "i's" ! Blasphemy!

    =P

    One thing that would help is stating what you're trying to write - is your city actually real or imagined? (Exam technique of treating examiners like idiots, so they have no excuse, if, touch wood, a remark is required. Believe me, it happens.)
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    That's fantastic! You've written really well, but you've written more of a story than a description, I think, which is easy to do if you write in 1st person.
    I've been taught this as a structure:
    An overveiw (the city was windy / people milling about etc)
    Then zoom in to one specific thing
    Zoom in on something different
    An overveiw

    Some of the tips I've been given:
    To use all 5 senses
    Use repitition
    Use metaphors
    Start paragraphs with prepositions (above of, etc)
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    Thanks. I was wondering that as well because i read in my head a couple of times and it did sound like a story to be honest.
 
 
 
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