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Helping someone with bereavement
I wasn't sure whether this is the right forum to be posting in but..hey-ho.
I was wondering if anyone who has ever lost someone, or had someone close to them lose someone could give me some advice. Basically, my friend's mum died on thursday, and I only found out today. After having a good cry, i called her up to see how she was, i told her how sorry i was and that i was here for her if she needed me. But i just feel i should have done so much more than just give her a ring. She sounded really upset on the phone and i really want to just go round there and give her a big hug and just - be there for her. I know i must be strong for her but the death has really affected me, even though i didnt really know her mum that well.
I probably sound really selfish but I would really appreciate some help as I've never had to deal with something like this before.
I was wondering if anyone who has ever lost someone, or had someone close to them lose someone could give me some advice. Basically, my friend's mum died on thursday, and I only found out today. After having a good cry, i called her up to see how she was, i told her how sorry i was and that i was here for her if she needed me. But i just feel i should have done so much more than just give her a ring. She sounded really upset on the phone and i really want to just go round there and give her a big hug and just - be there for her. I know i must be strong for her but the death has really affected me, even though i didnt really know her mum that well.
I probably sound really selfish but I would really appreciate some help as I've never had to deal with something like this before.
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when my friend lost her grandad (who she was really close to), i got her a journal type book, and wrote her a letter saying how sorry i was that he had died, and that she could use the book to save memories of him, so that she would not have to worry about forgetting him, then i posted it to her. she seemed to appreciate it.
when my grandad died (practically a second dad) i was distraught all i wanted was my friends there to listen and to comfort me, just being there for me. it was nice of you to phone her at least she knows your there. your not selfish at all, no one will think that, just be strong for her. you've let her know your there and thats all you can do at the moment. i like acoustic-angels idea aswell that would be nice. my friends didnt know what to do cause it affected me so badly, all i wanted was a hug and to know they were there, you've done the first part. go see her and give her that big cuddle and just let her get it out of her system, let her cry and you be there to wipe the tears away and offer words of comfort. there isnt a lot more you can do because you cant take her pain away.
You're not selfish - you are a great friend for caring this much about your friend and how she must be feeling at the moment. Keep on as you're doing - let her know you're there for her - that's the best thing you can do for her. xx
She probably needs some time to herself. Ringing her was a good thing to do, sending flowers etc might also be a good idea as it shows you are thinking of her and are there for her- in other words make her aware you want to help in any way you can but let her decide in what capacity.
when my nan died my mate well not mate now laughed and they didn;t really care but when hers died she was pleading me to help her through it
as horrid as it was i walked away!!
be there for her as she would properly be the same in that situaion and take her for a coffee and a natter at least you can try to take her mind off of the pain and hurt for a little while!!
as horrid as it was i walked away!!
be there for her as she would properly be the same in that situaion and take her for a coffee and a natter at least you can try to take her mind off of the pain and hurt for a little while!!
Ask her what she wants you to do. Try and call her every few days, maybe send her some flowers or chocolates. She might want space but I think its better to know that there are always people thinking of you. Having lost my dad this year, the help I valued was friends just calling/popping over and telling me it'd be OK and giving me practical help e.g dropping off some comedy DVDs or taking me out for lunch etc.
I think its better to know that there are always people thinking of you
yer i agree with that, even though none has really taken the time out of their lives to do that for me, when my nan died i used to cry at school becuase i was upset just randomly it stopped after about 3 months but my 'mates' just used to call me a cry baby and be like why are you crying now, when it went quiet i just used to think and it would set me off!!
i like to help the peple i love through things even if they don;t do the same back!!
Call her up and ask her if she wants you to go round...
Give her a hug,often that's the best thing to do.
And try and keep her mind off it...don't drag her out full on clubbing or anything but take her out for a coffee or something,just to get her out of the house...
Just let her know you are there for her.
Give her a hug,often that's the best thing to do.
And try and keep her mind off it...don't drag her out full on clubbing or anything but take her out for a coffee or something,just to get her out of the house...
Just let her know you are there for her.
When my dad died some of my friends could not even say it to my face. I really did not appeciate this.
Let her know that you really want to help her, and she should feel at ease to call, but not feel compelled. Pretending it did not happen, certainly does nt help.
Then again my Dad was a suicide and people view that differently sometimes
Let her know that you really want to help her, and she should feel at ease to call, but not feel compelled. Pretending it did not happen, certainly does nt help.
Then again my Dad was a suicide and people view that differently sometimes
She might need some time to herself, or she might want nothing better than to have you there. Just ask her what she wants. Maybe she wants you to be there and hug her and listen to her, or maybe she wants you to leave her alone. Let her know you want to help in any way you can.
LauraWalker
When my dad died some of my friends could not even say it to my face. I really did not appeciate this.
Let her know that you really want to help her, and she should feel at ease to call, but not feel compelled. Pretending it did not happen, certainly does nt help.
Then again my Dad was a suicide and people view that differently sometimes
Let her know that you really want to help her, and she should feel at ease to call, but not feel compelled. Pretending it did not happen, certainly does nt help.
Then again my Dad was a suicide and people view that differently sometimes
Same, even though it's a tough and emotional topic, it's better out in the open in an honest caring way. Some of my friends came to the funeral, and bloody hell, I have so much respect for them for doing that for me..it was just..they were a rock. It isn't like a set of rules for how to help but try and just be as honest and sensitive as possible. Your friend will feel like crap for a hell of a long time, I think thats one of the hardest things to realise..it doesn't go away in a couple of months, not even a couple of years.
spoon1
I wasn't sure whether this is the right forum to be posting in but..hey-ho.
I was wondering if anyone who has ever lost someone, or had someone close to them lose someone could give me some advice. Basically, my friend's mum died on thursday, and I only found out today. After having a good cry, i called her up to see how she was, i told her how sorry i was and that i was here for her if she needed me. But i just feel i should have done so much more than just give her a ring. She sounded really upset on the phone and i really want to just go round there and give her a big hug and just - be there for her. I know i must be strong for her but the death has really affected me, even though i didnt really know her mum that well.
I probably sound really selfish but I would really appreciate some help as I've never had to deal with something like this before.
I was wondering if anyone who has ever lost someone, or had someone close to them lose someone could give me some advice. Basically, my friend's mum died on thursday, and I only found out today. After having a good cry, i called her up to see how she was, i told her how sorry i was and that i was here for her if she needed me. But i just feel i should have done so much more than just give her a ring. She sounded really upset on the phone and i really want to just go round there and give her a big hug and just - be there for her. I know i must be strong for her but the death has really affected me, even though i didnt really know her mum that well.
I probably sound really selfish but I would really appreciate some help as I've never had to deal with something like this before.
All you can do is be there for her as much as you can,
and remind her that your there for her anytime of the day, but remember sometimes she may want to be left alone to think so if she requets that dont be offended.
you just got to support them and listen to them if they want to talk...just listened to friend when she was going through similar shock at someone's death and tried to cheer her up and just be there with her - although in this case her boyfriend's friends were murdered, so everyone was shocked.. but yeah same principles apply be there for emotional support and try to let them see they don't have to deal with this alone
My mother died less than a year ago and I can tell you that the support of good friends is invaluable. Go round and see her to give her that hug! She will appreciate it!
Round my area there's this scheme called CHUMS. Basically a group of volunteers who help children/teenagers coming to terms with bereavement. I don't know if there's a group like this near you, but it may help if you could give their number to your friend...it will give her the chance to talk to someone else, and take the weight off your shoulders for a little while. She might also be able to meet others in a similar situation.
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