Why can't people accept that attractiveness is a major part in a relationship...
Ok basically this guy has been giving me signals that he likes me for a while. I've been a good friend to him, he texts me all the time and I reply mostly and we have good conversations and we've been to the cinema a few times. Yes it has been alone but I did try to make clear my intentions to him.
This has been happening for a few months and people have been saying he's clearly interested in me, but I'm just not. I don't find him attractive at all, I wouldn't be able to sleep with him/kiss him genuinely and there are aspects of his personality I don't find attractive (some things we are entirely in other worlds about, not in a good way, and he's confident but not got any self-esteem and to be honest that makes any guy attractive).
Anyway, last night he was out with a group of people I was with and at one point during the night he came over to warn me that this guy was being a complete sleaze and this guy said "Is that *insert my name here*? I'm going to **** her by the end of the year". This started a major argument between my friend and said guy. Then when he left me, later on he came up to me and said "I need to talk to you", took me away to a quiet area and said "I've been thinking this for a while and I don't know if you noticed and chose to ignore it or whether you were completely oblivious. But I think you're wonderful, and we get on really well, and I think if we were to start a relationship we'd work really well as a couple. I've been drafting texts trying to explain the reasons for some of my actions towards you and sometimes when we're out I have to resist the urge to kiss you and honestly you're gorgeous." It was probably the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me and I do agree we get on really well, but as I said, there is no attraction and at this point I felt entirely vain and superficial, so I said something to him which was also the truth- that I'm still in love with my ex (who is his friend), so it wouldn't be fair.
He told me to think about it, however, so I accepted even though I knew it wasn't going to be a good answer.
So later on I sent him a text saying "honestly, thinking about it won't help" and said that I still loved my ex, and that I didn't think of him that way. This discussion lasted a long time and he said that he understood, and he was upset, but asked me if, when I did get over my ex, that he could at least take me to dinner and try to show we were compatible. I said I wouldn't say that, and this was entirely honest, because I've been in a situation exactly the same to that before and the guy got my hopes up and unfortunately when he was ready to move on, he'd already found someone else and I ended up hurt and we were both confused for a while. I didn't want to do that to someone. However, I explained this and he said "honestly I get that, but why won't you even consider it? Your ex is being a tool and I don't see why you won't try something new. there must be another reason, I'm sick of being friendzoned because people don't see me in 'that way'" and then some other stuff which basically meant that people should stop seeing him in a shallow way. At this point I couldn't be honest with him, that I wasn't attracted to him, because he was going on about his self-esteem and stuff and I didn't want to hurt him.
A friend told me to give him a chance, and when I said I just didn't want to he called me shallow and self-absorbed. I'm not like that at all, but attraction is important in a relationship and why can't I make my own choices? I know people, both guys and girls, complain about people being "shallow" and that "personality matters" all the time, but let someone make their own mind up about who they're attracted to or not without stigmatising it and making them out tobe a complete shallow bitch for it.
Also, the guy keeps mentioning it and trying to put me off my ex/is texting me as much. I don't want to lead him on and I don't want to hurt him, so how do I tell him it's just not going to happen without ruining our friendship entirely?
This has been happening for a few months and people have been saying he's clearly interested in me, but I'm just not. I don't find him attractive at all, I wouldn't be able to sleep with him/kiss him genuinely and there are aspects of his personality I don't find attractive (some things we are entirely in other worlds about, not in a good way, and he's confident but not got any self-esteem and to be honest that makes any guy attractive).
Anyway, last night he was out with a group of people I was with and at one point during the night he came over to warn me that this guy was being a complete sleaze and this guy said "Is that *insert my name here*? I'm going to **** her by the end of the year". This started a major argument between my friend and said guy. Then when he left me, later on he came up to me and said "I need to talk to you", took me away to a quiet area and said "I've been thinking this for a while and I don't know if you noticed and chose to ignore it or whether you were completely oblivious. But I think you're wonderful, and we get on really well, and I think if we were to start a relationship we'd work really well as a couple. I've been drafting texts trying to explain the reasons for some of my actions towards you and sometimes when we're out I have to resist the urge to kiss you and honestly you're gorgeous." It was probably the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me and I do agree we get on really well, but as I said, there is no attraction and at this point I felt entirely vain and superficial, so I said something to him which was also the truth- that I'm still in love with my ex (who is his friend), so it wouldn't be fair.
He told me to think about it, however, so I accepted even though I knew it wasn't going to be a good answer.
So later on I sent him a text saying "honestly, thinking about it won't help" and said that I still loved my ex, and that I didn't think of him that way. This discussion lasted a long time and he said that he understood, and he was upset, but asked me if, when I did get over my ex, that he could at least take me to dinner and try to show we were compatible. I said I wouldn't say that, and this was entirely honest, because I've been in a situation exactly the same to that before and the guy got my hopes up and unfortunately when he was ready to move on, he'd already found someone else and I ended up hurt and we were both confused for a while. I didn't want to do that to someone. However, I explained this and he said "honestly I get that, but why won't you even consider it? Your ex is being a tool and I don't see why you won't try something new. there must be another reason, I'm sick of being friendzoned because people don't see me in 'that way'" and then some other stuff which basically meant that people should stop seeing him in a shallow way. At this point I couldn't be honest with him, that I wasn't attracted to him, because he was going on about his self-esteem and stuff and I didn't want to hurt him.
A friend told me to give him a chance, and when I said I just didn't want to he called me shallow and self-absorbed. I'm not like that at all, but attraction is important in a relationship and why can't I make my own choices? I know people, both guys and girls, complain about people being "shallow" and that "personality matters" all the time, but let someone make their own mind up about who they're attracted to or not without stigmatising it and making them out tobe a complete shallow bitch for it.
Also, the guy keeps mentioning it and trying to put me off my ex/is texting me as much. I don't want to lead him on and I don't want to hurt him, so how do I tell him it's just not going to happen without ruining our friendship entirely?
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can you give a tl;dr version of that please?
You have to be attracted to someone to be in a relationship with them?
Stop the ****ing press.
Stop the ****ing press.
Original post by sil3nt_cha0s
can you give a tl;dr version of that please?
Unattractive mofo wants to **** OP, insists they have compatible personalities. OP wants to friendzone without deadzoning.
Original post by Lack of Creativity
You have to be attracted to someone to be in a relationship with them?
Stop the ****ing press.
Stop the ****ing press.
The press is stopped.
The world is still recovering from the shock of these new findings.
Original post by Anonymous
However, I explained this and he said "honestly I get that, but why won't you even consider it? Your ex is being a tool and I don't see why you won't try something new. there must be another reason, I'm sick of being friendzoned because people don't see me in 'that way'"
He's sore. And needs to understand bitching about being friend-zoned will not get him out of the friend-zone.
However he doesn't sound like an idiot and comes across quite sweet. Explain to him the truth - that you don't find him physically attractive, and that there are elements of his personality that don't click together with yours.
Original post by Hippysnake
The press is stopped.
The world is still recovering from the shock of these new findings.
The world is still recovering from the shock of these new findings.
Thank god for that.
I just spat my drink out.
Looks? In a relationship?
****... That's what's been going wrong. All these years I thought I could be a smelly tramp and pull girls as long as I made them laugh.
Now I realize they were laughing at me, not with me. My personality is therefore void.
This is the greatest discovery since sliced bread OP; applause to you sir.
Looks? In a relationship?
****... That's what's been going wrong. All these years I thought I could be a smelly tramp and pull girls as long as I made them laugh.
Now I realize they were laughing at me, not with me. My personality is therefore void.
This is the greatest discovery since sliced bread OP; applause to you sir.
(edited 13 years ago)
You say you don't want to ruin your friendship entirely, but unfortunately I think you will both need some space from each other just so he can sort his head out and how he feels about you, and maybe time apart will help you too. It'll all be fine in time. You shouldn't have to explain yourself so much. Attraction to begin with does play a big part, and whilst the way he's pursuing you is flattering, you need to stick with your instincts sometimes because usually they're right and ultimately only you know what you want.
Original post by DH-Biker
I just spat my drink out.
Looks? In a relationship?
****... That's what's been going wrong. All these years I thought I could be a smelly tramp and pull girls as long as I made them laugh.
Now I realize they were laughing at me, not with me. My personality is therefore void.
This is the greatest discovery since sliced bread OP; applause to you sir.
Looks? In a relationship?
****... That's what's been going wrong. All these years I thought I could be a smelly tramp and pull girls as long as I made them laugh.
Now I realize they were laughing at me, not with me. My personality is therefore void.
This is the greatest discovery since sliced bread OP; applause to you sir.
Well, tell other people that. I realise this is pretty much something most people know, however my "friend" and the guy interested in me don't seem to understand this.
Also, nobody seems to understand no means no, not no means "maybe in a few weeks".
Who was denying it?
Original post by Stressworthy
You say you don't want to ruin your friendship entirely, but unfortunately I think you will both need some space from each other just so he can sort his head out and how he feels about you, and maybe time apart will help you too. It'll all be fine in time. You shouldn't have to explain yourself so much. Attraction to begin with does play a big part, and whilst the way he's pursuing you is flattering, you need to stick with your instincts sometimes because usually they're right and ultimately only you know what you want.
I think you're right. He's been texting me today again and I don't think it's really very healthy. If I don't reply, he asks why I'm not replying. I just don't know how to go about getting some/giving him space without sounding like a complete bitch or without losing our friendship.
Original post by Peachykeen09
Who was denying it?
A male friend who told me to "give him a chance" and basically told me to stop being shallow. Also, my flatmate's mum (who my flatmate tells everything to) said I should give him a chance because he clearly "cares about me".
Give him a chance.
I can understand how looks can be important but he sounds like a really nice guy.
Go on a few dates with him, and if it doesn't work out then at least he would be happy to have been given the chance....and you can definitely reassure yourself that he isn't the one for you.
Maybe when you get to really know him and he treats you really well, you could end up falling for him.
Just don't dismiss him without giving him a chance.
I can understand how looks can be important but he sounds like a really nice guy.
Go on a few dates with him, and if it doesn't work out then at least he would be happy to have been given the chance....and you can definitely reassure yourself that he isn't the one for you.
Maybe when you get to really know him and he treats you really well, you could end up falling for him.
Just don't dismiss him without giving him a chance.
Original post by Anonymous
I think you're right. He's been texting me today again and I don't think it's really very healthy. If I don't reply, he asks why I'm not replying. I just don't know how to go about getting some/giving him space without sounding like a complete bitch or without losing our friendship.
Just be honest in the most gentle way possible. Of course it'll probably hurt his feelings, but he will get over it. It's a lot better this way than you potentially getting confused or continuing to text him etc. without being clear and giving him hope... then it'll just get messy unnecessarily. And losing him as a friend for a bit is a small price to pay, I think, for saving yourself from future potential heartache. As I say, I'm pretty sure it'll be fine in time anyway. Time heals pretty much anything.
Man, people really need to read the OP before they post smart-alec comments about how the OP is pointing out the obvious ...
Not much you can do OP. I think you're doing the right thing. You might have to admit that you don't find him attractive to get him off your back, but then of course you will be demonised as the girl who called him ugly. It's kind of lose-lose.
Not much you can do OP. I think you're doing the right thing. You might have to admit that you don't find him attractive to get him off your back, but then of course you will be demonised as the girl who called him ugly. It's kind of lose-lose.
I've been in your situation before. You just have be honest and say the 'spark' just isn't there for you.
Original post by o Rebecca o
Give him a chance.
I can understand how looks can be important but he sounds like a really nice guy.
Go on a few dates with him, and if it doesn't work out then at least he would be happy to have been given the chance....and you can definitely reassure yourself that he isn't the one for you.
Maybe when you get to really know him and he treats you really well, you could end up falling for him.
Just don't dismiss him without giving him a chance.
I can understand how looks can be important but he sounds like a really nice guy.
Go on a few dates with him, and if it doesn't work out then at least he would be happy to have been given the chance....and you can definitely reassure yourself that he isn't the one for you.
Maybe when you get to really know him and he treats you really well, you could end up falling for him.
Just don't dismiss him without giving him a chance.
This is the thing. People say "give him a chance" but imagine if you were in the situation I'm in, with someone you're not attracted to at all and is usually not your type at all, and you were told to give them a chance but you can't imagine yourself ever wanting to be with them sexually. Is there really any point? Is it not just leading said person on? Also, the idea of being physical at all with him just doesn't appeal to me, so what should I do, cringe when he tries to hold my hand on a date or if he tries to kiss me?
It's a foundation for a friendship. not a relationship. And whilst he's a sweet guy and I've tried to see another side to him that I hadn't seen before my heart just says "friend, friend, friend" and nothing more. As I said, it's about attraction. I've found people more attractive the more I got to know them, but there's a difference between that and not finding someone attractive physically and then suddenly being physically attracted to them.
I feel like I have no control in the situation whatsoever and if I spend time alone with him he'll get the wrong idea and try it on with me and I don't want that to happen.
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