Why can't people accept that attractiveness is a major part in a relationship...

OMG, you are so much like me (or I am so much like you) and I am always in similar situations. I normally get out of it by saying I am seeing someone else, even when I am single. But it doesn't look like an option for you. I think the only thing you can do is keep telling him that you can't be together until you find the right guy and then he will definitely see that you've moved on.

Of course some of the earlier points about not talking to him also make sense. Maybe you could say that you both need to take a break?

And this: "just because I can't sleep with you doesn't mean I can't be friends with you, but you say I'm good in terms of morals and personality but for all you know I could just be playing a long game..." I don't get the second half, but you should totally say that that's your point exactly - we can't have sex, we can be friends good luck!

I know how you feel i think the reason you get on so well is becuase you are not attracted to him.so this means you can just hang out with him and not try too hard say what you want.

Does that make sense?

Ok basically this guy has been giving me signals that he likes me for a while. I've been a good friend to him, he texts me all the time and I reply mostly and we have good conversations and we've been to the cinema a few times. Yes it has been alone but I did try to make clear my intentions to him.

This has been happening for a few months and people have been saying he's clearly interested in me, but I'm just not. I don't find him attractive at all, I wouldn't be able to sleep with him/kiss him genuinely and there are aspects of his personality I don't find attractive (some things we are entirely in other worlds about, not in a good way, and he's confident but not got any self-esteem and to be honest that makes any guy attractive).

Anyway, last night he was out with a group of people I was with and at one point during the night he came over to warn me that this guy was being a complete sleaze and this guy said "Is that *insert my name here*? I'm going to **** her by the end of the year". This started a major argument between my friend and said guy. Then when he left me, later on he came up to me and said "I need to talk to you", took me away to a quiet area and said "I've been thinking this for a while and I don't know if you noticed and chose to ignore it or whether you were completely oblivious. But I think you're wonderful, and we get on really well, and I think if we were to start a relationship we'd work really well as a couple. I've been drafting texts trying to explain the reasons for some of my actions towards you and sometimes when we're out I have to resist the urge to kiss you and honestly you're gorgeous." It was probably the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me and I do agree we get on really well, but as I said, there is no attraction and at this point I felt entirely vain and superficial, so I said something to him which was also the truth- that I'm still in love with my ex (who is his friend), so it wouldn't be fair.

He told me to think about it, however, so I accepted even though I knew it wasn't going to be a good answer.

So later on I sent him a text saying "honestly, thinking about it won't help" and said that I still loved my ex, and that I didn't think of him that way. This discussion lasted a long time and he said that he understood, and he was upset, but asked me if, when I did get over my ex, that he could at least take me to dinner and try to show we were compatible. I said I wouldn't say that, and this was entirely honest, because I've been in a situation exactly the same to that before and the guy got my hopes up and unfortunately when he was ready to move on, he'd already found someone else and I ended up hurt and we were both confused for a while. I didn't want to do that to someone. However, I explained this and he said "honestly I get that, but why won't you even consider it? Your ex is being a tool and I don't see why you won't try something new. there must be another reason, I'm sick of being friendzoned because people don't see me in 'that way'" and then some other stuff which basically meant that people should stop seeing him in a shallow way. At this point I couldn't be honest with him, that I wasn't attracted to him, because he was going on about his self-esteem and stuff and I didn't want to hurt him.

A friend told me to give him a chance, and when I said I just didn't want to he called me shallow and self-absorbed. I'm not like that at all, but attraction is important in a relationship and why can't I make my own choices? I know people, both guys and girls, complain about people being "shallow" and that "personality matters" all the time, but let someone make their own mind up about who they're attracted to or not without stigmatising it and making them out tobe a complete shallow bitch for it.

Also, the guy keeps mentioning it and trying to put me off my ex/is texting me as much. I don't want to lead him on and I don't want to hurt him, so how do I tell him it's just not going to happen without ruining our friendship entirely?

NO, YOU AREN'T BEING SHALLOW. Yes, attraction is important and you don't have to 'give this guy a chance'. You're not a charity or a government-run emotional report service.

But you have to tell him the truth because you're being crueller by stringing it out like this. I'm sorry but it's ridiculous because as things stand, the poor guy still has hope.

i disagree. as i get older, i have found there have been a couple of guys wh i wouldnt have looked twice at but once i got to know them through work or other boringness, they were very cute and i would date them. but if i met them on a night out i wouldnt even bother speaking to them that much. you got to get to know these dudes. unless they are grossly obese with bad hygeine and sweat and body odor, or severe acne only in these extremes when they physiclly digust you is it ok to refuse point blank

people do realise this you fool... how often do you hear people say my g/f or b/f is a minger!!!!

Give him a chance.

I can understand how looks can be important but he sounds like a really nice guy.

Go on a few dates with him, and if it doesn't work out then at least he would be happy to have been given the chance....and you can definitely reassure yourself that he isn't the one for you.

Maybe when you get to really know him and he treats you really well, you could end up falling for him.

Just don't dismiss him without giving him a chance.

No. That is the stupid thing too. Just stick to your ground OP, tell him it won't happen. Else he might keep thinking something may happen. You might lose his friendship though. Imagine if the situation were reversed - some guy rejected you and you really liked him, could you really stay as close to him as before?

I've been in a similar situation to him before, only difference was this guy and I got with eachother a couple of times, went on a date and were texting eachother for ages then he said nothing could happen, he had good reasons and we both expected it from the start but it crushed me and he felt crushed for me. I liked this guy a LOT, but it couldn't and wouldn't happen so we distanced ourselves for a while but became friends again and went out as friends to a jazz bar.

I realise that's not always going to happen though, it just frustrates me that I can't be as good friends with him anymore for the danger of leading him on.

You are shallow and self absorbed. Get over it. But it's good you're not stringing him along. Kudos for that. He shouldn't be friends with you when he feels that way

To another extreme, if you're male and straight, if this girl:



who's quite stereotypically unattractive, especially in this photo, asked you out on a date and was really nice and you got along well, would you think there was any chance of you changing your mind? If there was no chance of you changing your mind and becoming attracted to her, would you get her hopes up and accept a date? Even if you had a brilliant friendship and it's possible leading her on would destroy it?

Obviously the guy isn't THIS level of unattractive, but the attractive switch in my mind, when I see him, is just "off".

I wasn't sure what to make of you until this post: I've now narrowed you down to either a troll or a ****.

Well, physical attractiveness would surely be of significant importance for sex, but surely not for a relationship?