Hey, I am an 18 year old gay guy and I feel that my life has completely gone down the pan. It all basically started around December time last year. I split up with my 2 year boyfriend for this other guy. We went out for a while, but he ended up dumping me via text. Since then I have been incredibly down (that would make it about 3 months).
I hate that I was so upset and devastated over this guy (I genuinely felt in love for real for the first time in my life) and still am. I am now seeing a councillor and she seems to be helping me a bit. I have recently just stopped self harming, but it feels like I could easily do it again. I'm trying to figure out whether this period in my life is situational depression, or minor/clinical depression.
Some things do lift my mood, maybe seeing my friend, or watching my favourite TV program, but almost immediately afterwards my mood starts to plummet until on the scale of 1-10, I am a 3 or 4. I have the most terrible social life, have little self-confidence, and have a very stressful time living with my single mother who suffers from anxiety. Also it is impossible to get a job,and I am not in education.
Even when I am doing something that lifts my mood a little, I get this sickening , horrific feeling, like all these things, seeing a friend, watching a good movie, are merely 'scaffolding' that keep me from falling. Simply put, I don't feel like I'm living, I feel like I am barely surviving.
For the past few months I have felt generally hopeless, negative, and have often had suicidal thoughts. I am going to university in September, but even that doesn't seem to excite me that much, much to my mums disbelief. I feel like I cant go on for like this much longer. I get this thought in my head 'Ill be dead by the time I get to university.'
I thought I was getting a bit better last week, but I feel worse, I cant cope with things like I used to, I cant cope with people and emotions, they overpower me and make me feel miserable and helpless. I don't feel like anybody understands me. I cant see a way out and its killing me. Do I need more than a therapist? I really don't know.... I want the world to stop moving, and me with it.
I don't know whether my councillor is helping me, sometimes i do, but sometimes i don't, she makes me feel worse in an odd kinda way. I feel so exhausted mentally. I really don't think I can push myself to do anything any more, the idea of helping my self seems so difficult and exhausting. Do I need anti-depressants? And what kind of depression is this? I feel like ill never be truly happy ever again.
Do I need more than a councillor? Anti-depressants? Watch
- Thread Starter
- 03-04-2011 23:39
- 04-04-2011 00:13
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You sound like you have quite a lot going on and have for some time. It can't have been easy dealing with some of the things that have happened to you. Well done for taking note of activities that you find lift your mood and keeping on doing them. I think this is a really positive step even if it is only temporary.
One important note; if your thoughts about suicide start turning into plans to do something please seek immediate help or support. I really can't urge you to do this strongly enough.
As for your original question, how do you feel about anti-depressants? After all, if prescribed them, you are the one that will have to take them everyday. If you think you could benefit from them why not make an appointment to see your GP in the morning. Probably best to discuss the options with him/her as prescription drugs are really best prescribed by medics, not Internet forums :-)
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
- 04-04-2011 00:36
Three months isn't too long to have been depressed (although I know it can feel like a lifetime) - it's still possible that you'll start feeling better on your own once you start moving on from thinking about your relationship. What I'd probably do in your situation is give myself a deadline, say if you see no improvement in two weeks or a month then you'll see a doctor about getting antidepressants.
A few things to consider: firstly, eighteen is a bit young to be going on antidepressants, some doctors would be unwilling to prescribe them to you as they can increase suicidal thoughts in young people. There's also no guarantee that the first one you try will work - I had to go on seven before finding one that worked (although other people have had better luck, and only have to try one or two). And antidepressants can give you all kinds of unpleasant side effects, including nausea, headaches, weight loss/gain, insomnia/lethargy, and lack of concentration (which can be a real problem when you're studying). If you do decide to go on antidepressants, make sure you'll have a few weeks to get used to them before you have anything important like exams or starting uni.
I know I've said a lot of negative things about antidepressants, but they can literally be a lifesaver. I had major depression which is now completely cured thanks to antidepressants, so although I've had a lot of bad experiences with them I'd still say they're worth a try.
About what kind of depression you have, I think it's too early to tell. It's also possible that what started off as circumstantial depression has now turned into more severe, clinical depression. Try asking your councillor or GP, and see what they say.
- 04-04-2011 01:44
I'd stay off the pills for as long as posisble, particularly if you find counselling helpful even to the slightest sense. I have been on no less than 10 types of AD with different dosages and none was helpful, I am in threapy now and it's much more helpful. However, a lot of people have found ADs being hepful so it really depends on you and how your body and mind respond tp treatment be that drug or talking. ONe thing worth remembering is ADs don't work right away and it can be depressing after trying out a few types and still not find the right type and dosage for your need. Because of the different types of ADs I havee been on, I had to go through loads of needless blood tests and scans etc etc because I had experienced loads of extremely side effect; those only affect 1:1000 people or less, but since my docs couldn't tell if those were side effects from the drug or was I developing some serious illness, they had to be safe than sorry.
As for counselling, it's hard work, I don't know what kind od talking treatment you are having, but if one doesn't work then there are many other types. If you feel your current counsellor isn't helping, could you ask to see a different one if you are not too far into yout treatment? I have seen 2 counsellors and either of them were helpful, now I am seeing a psychologist for some more structural threapy and it's been great help. And tell you the truth, sometimes I wanna shout at my phychogist and never want to see her again because of all the things she makes me do, but at the end of the day, facing your problems is the only way to solve them, I have been avoiding my problems for years and now it's payback time for me. Be brave and deal with your problems now and be a stronger person for the future!
- Thread Starter
- 05-04-2011 22:42
Its the same one who submitted the original post btw, lol. Thank you, your advice is much appreciated My situation is difficult, cause I know most people could just move on from something, or stop thinking about something, but I cant, I over think things generally I get racing thoughts sometimes, and as I cant bury myself in work, as the saying goes, or don't have many people to go out with, or have a job, my thoughts overrule me, I think the lack of a job/social life is making the problem far worse.
I don't know how to stop thinking about everything, I've considered getting another boyfriend, but I don't feel well enough really, and also I don't really want to be in a relationship after all that has happened, I tend to be one of these people who live to be with someone. I need to try and live for myself, but how the hell can I when I don't particularly like myself and I am so miserable? I'm terrified of being alone, which is stupid, cause its not like I'm an awful person and I'm not good looking, I think growing up with my mum, with her being generally alone and seeing how she has desperately struggled with it (not having a partner) has made me like this tbh. All I've ever really wanted was a great social life, and I know at uni I would get one but I don't think I can wait any longer, I feel like, as I said before, I will be dead by the time I get there.
I'm getting to the point where I am being quite stubborn, and generally don't want to be around people at all. I am extremely sensitive and I feel like people have played with my emotions as if they were tennis balls all my life. I've had enough and feel like i am running out of options. I feel desperate.