Hugggge rant. If anyone can be bothered I'd really appreciate some advice
I'm 22..my boyfriend is 34 and we've been together for about 2 years and live together. When we met I was in fully in 'young, experimental, LAST thing on my mind is a relationship' mode and he was also unattached and despite holding down an extremely high pressure well paid job he was heavily abusing stimulants on the weekends. When I met him I thought he was really funny, fun to be with, openly a complete womaniser but I found that attractive probably because I wasn't looking for anything serious and his confidence was attractive.
So we spent about 5-6 months getting wrecked together..going on huge coke binges having loads of fun (while still keeping up with uni comittments!) having the BEST sex I've ever had by far...mostly because of insane passion rather than technique. We started to develop deeper feelings for each other eventually and he expressed these but I held back because I knew I'd never be able to trust him because of his volatile, impulsive nature and he was great to have as a casual boyfriend but potentially horrendous as an exclusive one. Because I held back he wanted me even more and eventually we became exclusive as I realised it had gone beyong the point of not caring who else he was sleeping with and it either had to turn into a relationship or end completely.
So we became exclusive. My uni work started to suffer as did his career so we knocked drugs on the head pretty much (only every few months now) and made a real effort to have a proper relationship. We moved in together about a year ago and overall I love him to bits and can't imagine being able to find anyone else that I feel this close to and who loves me for me and doesn't try to change me. But we have some big problems that primarily stem from the head****y drug induced early days - namely deep set trust issues and he is SERIOUSLY bad at discussing issues and compromising so small issues become deep set repressed resentment.
I'm not perfect myself, I'm demanding of attention (sexual and emotional), because I give a lot of each, I'm stubborn and also have difficulty seeing things from the others perspective and usually in other relationships I refuse to compromise my feelings...but with him I've made such an effort to back down and try to understand where he's coming from as well as I realise it's a relationship not a competition and I'd rather we were on good terms then I was 'right'. However he hasn't done this and will fight to death even if he knows he's wrong which really pisses me off because then if I back down it feels like submission instead of compromise.
Our main issues are trust (mainly me not trusting him to be fair). I've never been a jealous person in my life or had insecurity issues but my gut tells me I just do not trust him. Now I know this isn't fair so I don't go around accusing him of things before he's done them but for instance his xmas work do came up - loads of his collegues abuse drugs (sales industry for you). I said you can do what you want obviously but I'd really appreciate it if you just got hammered on alcohol and lay off the drugs...or if you don't think you have the willpower to do that...don't get hammered on alcohol. This is because I do trust him sober/drunk 100% with women. When he's on drugs he'd probably have sex with someone whilst sat next to me accidentally because he's a different person...and the same probably goes for me which is why I don't put myself in that situation.
Anyway he said he totally understood and he would just drink. He came back hours later off his face, had got kicked out for snorting coke in the toilets. Told me nothing had happened with women...then months later told me someone had tried it on with him. This is just an example, he's let me down loads of times with **** like this and I hate waiting for him to get back, telling myself he won't let me down I'm being paranoid and being proven wrong every time. He then tells me he doesn't tell me things because it will make me paranoid...but he doesnt understand that trust builds over time and if he keeps ****ing up EVERY time he has the opportunity to why is it my fault that I don't trust him?
I know he has problems with drugs and I could totally excuse the occasional **** up...but it's every time. I've been to house parties, raves etc without him and ALWAYS turned drugs down because he means more to me. That's why it's hurtful because it's just complete selfishness and I feel like I'm asking him for something that should just go without saying. Plus I have being perceived as or feeling like the whiny girlfriend. He's over ten years older than me and if anything I feel like this should be the other way around.
Second big problem is sex. It went from best sex ever from both perspectives to possibly worst sex ever. Since stopping drugs his sex drive has plummeted and I don't really take it personally because a girl can walk past in the street with her top practially covering her nipples and he's probably comment on her handbag....but it's really ****ing frustrating!!! I have a very high sex drive so I don't expect to get it all of the time and I know he can't help having a low sex drive but he's just not doing anything to make it better, i.e. doctors to check hormones or more exercise or trying different things.
When we do have sex it's so selfish and one sided. I think he doesn't have the confidence or drive with the drugs and I know the worst thing I can do is put pressure on him and make it feel like a chore but sometimes I'm just like ...it's not finished until we're both finished! ...He used to sleep with escorts on a regular basis when single probably due to convenience and I sometimes feel like an unpaid escort to him. I try telling him nicely and make it sound positive like "I really like quickies sometimes but you're so good at *certain foreplay activity*"...this works once maybe then reverts back to normal laziness ...so I get angry and say something like "I'm not a ****ing masturbation tool".
Massive rants and insults aside...we have so much fun together, he can be the most generous and considerate person I know in some respects and the most selfish and cold hearted in others, and he does put effort in in different ways and I DO trust him sober. I just wish he'd not have this 'take me as I am' attitude and realise that relationships require effort and you need to compromise or nothing will ever work with anyone...you can't just brush issues under the carpet and hope that they'll get better by themselves. Like with the sex thing..I told him it's really important and I know we can do so much better, just needs a bit of effort on both sides when you've been together for longer.
We had huge argument yesterday and I said all this and said I do think we can work it out but YOU need to compromise not just me. I didn't blame him for everything I acknowledged that there's things I need to change as well. But he just had this defeatist attitude and said "I dont think there's any point, I can't be what you want me to be" ...and wants to end this. I half suspect when he realises I'm moving out he'll stop taking me for granted and change his mind...but is he right? I don't know if we can sort things out because I think by nature he's fiercely independent and very self-centered because he's had to be....so I might be asking for something that comes naturally for me but just isn't there for him and that's not fair for either of us.
I don't know what to do and really need an outsiders perspective. Very greatful to anyone who could be bothered to read this!
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Break up? watch
- Thread Starter
- 04-04-2011 14:28
- 04-04-2011 16:00
IMO - no breakup... yet.
- 04-04-2011 16:02
Oh dear. tl;dr
But the answer probably is: One of you has to man up. Or both.