Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    We all know that girls say "I don't want to ruin our friendship" when the guy is in the friend zone, and not attractive to the girl and/or not their type.

    so what exactly is the friend zone? As a man I think I can speak for the vast majority of us when I say, we generally don't have a friend zone. I mean, I don't stay friends with a girl for a while and all of a sudden lose attraction to her, is this what happens to girls?

    Also, how do you know when you're in the friend zone? How can you stay out of there?

    So I suppose what I'm asking for is a good overview of the friend zone.
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    the friend zone is a lot like a filing cabinet. you keep things there that you might need later. for girls, guys who are in the 'friend zone' are often the rebound boyfriends in case of the emergency (when she's single, lonely and desperate).
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    friend zone = i dont fancy you, but i want you as a friend, nothing more.

    some girls may be ****-teasing and using you for attention... but dont dismiss all girls in this way. sometimes it is just a way of telling a guy you aren't into him in that way, but want you as a friend, simple as that.
    Offline

    5
    ReputationRep:
    Being a girl myself I know plenty of girls who are in the friend zone (over a guy who doesn't like them back in 'that way'.)

    Most of the time, from my own experience, friend zone guys/girls are listeners, shy and haven't been in a relationship before/for a long time.

    They are a shoulder to cry on and are unlikely to stop being friends with you any time soon. Why take things further when they are reliable as they are?

    Of course that's not everyone, just what I see most of the time.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    It's a bit like if you were to apply for a job, be told you have all the right credentials but they're not going to hire you. Instead they wish to use your application as a point of comparison to compare all future applicants to. They are likely to accept applicants who aren't as qualified as you, as long as it's not you, and then phone you up to complain that these new employees aren't working out; "if only they were more like you" (but obviously not you). Even if no more people apply, they will not hire you, instead they will phone to complain about noone else applying. You will never get the job, perserverance will not pay off.

    Just avoid being trapped in the friendzone at all costs, nothing good can come of it.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Harrifer)
    so what exactly is the friend zone?
    The term "friend zone" is a term used by self-described "nice guys" to describe the state of being friends with a girl who isn't sexually attracted to them. The rest of us use the term "friendship" to describe this particular state.

    It seems to make them feel better to think of it as a "zone" (i.e. something you can move in and out of) rather than facing the fact that some girls just don't find them attractive enough to date.
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    Yeah you cant always control who is friendzoned or not. It's all to do with if the girl has attraction to you and how long it takes for you to act on/detect that attraction if she is attracted to you. Perhaps by asking her out on a date or something (and making it clear that you have romantic intentions towards her)

    After a while sometimes the attraction goes and the friendlike feeling sets in and you've reached the place of no return.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by moaty...it's gazza)
    It's a bit like if you were to apply for a job, be told you have all the right credentials but they're not going to hire you. Instead they wish to use your application as a point of comparison to compare all future applicants to. They are likely to accept applicants who aren't as qualified as you, as long as it's not you, and then phone you up to complain that these new employees aren't working out; "if only they were more like you" (but obviously not you). Even if no more people apply, they will not hire you, instead they will phone to complain about noone else applying. You will never get the job, perserverance will not pay off.

    Just avoid being trapped in the friendzone at all costs, nothing good can come of it.
    I reckon there's an equivalent of friend zone for football managers, it's assistant-zone.

    You know when you get the guy who was a good honest pro as a player, then joins the back room staff, puts out the cones. Works as assistant to a big name manager. Big name manager gets sacked with the team fighting against relegation. So this guy gets the job, the chairman 'backs him till the end of the season'. Every fan knows that no matter how well this guy does, he ain't gonna be considered for the top job, they will bring in some guy who has failed at a load of high profile clubs before, and he'll go back to putting out the cones.

    Then every now and then you get a coach who breaks out of assistant-zone like Chris Hughton. Gets a chance, does everything right, and still gets ditched. I can imagine Hughton going on TSR for managers and saying "why does it always go wrong for me" and getting advice from 'alpha males' like Allardyce telling him, its cos your a nice guy, you gotta be a jerk, chairmen love cocky blokes....
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Pink Bullets)
    The term "friend zone" is a term used by self-described "nice guys" to describe the state of being friends with a girl who isn't sexually attracted to them. The rest of us use the term "friendship" to describe this particular state.

    It seems to make them feel better to think of it as a "zone" (i.e. something you can move in and out of) rather than facing the fact that some girls just don't find them attractive enough to date.
    Repped. It's been a good day for you miss Pink Bullets.

    Agreed. the zone usually has been established during the initial attraction phase. You just can't create a spark. It's either there or it's not. You can have all the ingredients of a perfect boyfriend but without a spark it's doomed to failure. The spark is what the 'je ne said quoi' is on attraction which excites you both romantically and physically to a person.
    • #1
    #1

    being friend zoned isn't thaaaat bad. You're still a nice guy with a great personality. Just not, you know, just don't have *the spark*
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by MagicNMedicine)
    , its cos your a nice guy, you gotta be a jerk, chairmen love cocky blokes....
    It's a bit more complicated than that unfortunately. Without the 'spark', even the cocky guy wont get any further. It's just about chemistry for us girls. We either feel it with guys or we don't. We have ideas about what we want in a bloke (almost to the point of a list of checkpoints in some cases) but then a guy who has perhaps only 1 or 2 of those essential points will come in and blow your head off with chemistry that just works well.

    There's no reason to it. You just can't fake it. It just works with some people and not with others.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Pink Bullets)
    The term "friend zone" is a term used by self-described "nice guys" to describe the state of being friends with a girl who isn't sexually attracted to them. The rest of us use the term "friendship" to describe this particular state.

    It seems to make them feel better to think of it as a "zone" (i.e. something you can move in and out of) rather than facing the fact that some girls just don't find them attractive enough to date.
    This analysis is right and I agree with you.

    The less talked about female version of this is when you get a girl who describes a situation with a guy she knows as being "complicated" or along the lines of "we've had an on and off thing going for ages now...". Sometimes the girl will make this out to her friends to be something quite different to how the guy perceives it (some girl who I can pretty much always get a shag with). The girl feels better by thinking of it there being "something there between us" which implies the guy having repressed feelings for her which could have blossomed into a relationship if only circumstances had been different...rather than facing the fact that really the guy just sees her as an easy lay when he wants to get his end away.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by MagicNMedicine)
    I reckon there's an equivalent of friend zone for football managers, it's assistant-zone.

    You know when you get the guy who was a good honest pro as a player, then joins the back room staff, puts out the cones. Works as assistant to a big name manager. Big name manager gets sacked with the team fighting against relegation. So this guy gets the job, the chairman 'backs him till the end of the season'. Every fan knows that no matter how well this guy does, he ain't gonna be considered for the top job, they will bring in some guy who has failed at a load of high profile clubs before, and he'll go back to putting out the cones.

    Then every now and then you get a coach who breaks out of assistant-zone like Chris Hughton. Gets a chance, does everything right, and still gets ditched. I can imagine Hughton going on TSR for managers and saying "why does it always go wrong for me" and getting advice from 'alpha males' like Allardyce telling him, its cos your a nice guy, you gotta be a jerk, chairmen love cocky blokes....
    Haha good analogy, it took me a few mins but I finally thought of someone who sucessfully made it out of the assistant zone. Mourinho was Fank Rijkaard's assistant at Barca a long time ago, it's not exactly like he's a 'nice guy' though. Other than that they all end up getting sacked. Paul Hart, Hughton, Avram Grant (Chelsea)...
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Harrifer)
    We all know that girls say "I don't want to ruin our friendship" when the guy is in the friend zone, and not attractive to the girl and/or not their type.

    so what exactly is the friend zone? As a man I think I can speak for the vast majority of us when I say, we generally don't have a friend zone. I mean, I don't stay friends with a girl for a while and all of a sudden lose attraction to her, is this what happens to girls?

    Also, how do you know when you're in the friend zone? How can you stay out of there?

    So I suppose what I'm asking for is a good overview of the friend zone.
    Girls generally enjoy the fact that (from about the ages of 16-26) they enjoy social power of selection when it comes to a mate. During this age the average girl is going to get a lot more male attention, than the average male gets female attention, so she can exercise this power in a lot of ways. So as a male you have to wise up to this and retain your self respect.

    Unfortunately social interaction has some harsh truths. Males in the ages 16-26 generally don't have much power of selection, unless they are at least two out of the three of: good looking/self-confident/high social status. By high social status I mean they are 'something' which gets them respect from other men as well as women, ie in a band, have a good job, in a professional sports club's junior teams and so on. If a man does have two of those (and there are quite a lot who have the first two) then he will have a lot of power of selection over women, he will usually be able to sleep around and have women hanging round texting him scrapping for his attention.

    But unfortunately for our fellow male bretheren there are many men who don't have any of those things, they are just ordinary blokes who would like to have a girlfriend. Sometimes they act in a manipulative way and get bitter when their female friends don't reciprocate their feelings....this is just them lashing out at the frustration of never being able to get in a relationship. And this is the key point for the type of guy who gets friend zoned, he pretty much never gets with girls, EVER.

    By and large males prefer the friendship and company of other males, so it's not as common to get girls in a guy's "friend zone". Guys will hang around girls who they find attractive, but in general guys find girls boring, they don't have interest in talking about the general gossip and chit chat that girls do, they will only maintain a female friendship if there is some level of sexual spark and banter. Now its possible to have female friends even if the guy has a girlfriend, if he finds the girls semi attractive because he can have that slight undertone of playful flirtatiousness, but if he doesn't find the girl attractive on any level then he won't be motivated to flirt with her so he won't bother befriending her. If a guy meets a girl who he is not attracted to, who he senses is interested in him, he will run for the hills, he can't be doing with that, what if his mates find out and take the mick out of it.

    Girls on the other hand have a different concept of friendship and are more open to friendships with the opposite sex so they will happily accept a male friend who they are not attracted to. It will be an easy uncomplicated friendship because she won't need to worry about him being *****y in the way girls have issues with their female friends, and also as she doesn't fancy him, she won't feel nervous or uncomfortable round him. If she senses he fancies her then she will be even more motivated to keep him around, as long as he isn't too full on and put her in an embarrassing situation. Secretly she will find his attention an ego boost and all girls suffer from self confidence issues sometimes so having a friend-zoned admirer helps keep her confidence levels up.

    Most girls have some form of friend-zoned male admirer in their lives at some point. The ideal one is one who is either too shy to ever confess his true feelings, or socially astute enough to realise he doesn't have a chance and will just accept friendship from the girl.

    In some cases the friend zone arrangement suits the guy as well, if he's not very sexually experienced he will be nervous and worried about anything escalating with a girl, but if he's got some female who he fancies, who is willing to spend time with him, he can be almost as happy as though he had a real girlfriend because he gets to do all those 'hanging out' companionship things without exposing his sexual nervousness. But that will be a temporary arrangement at best as in time the girl is going to find a proper boyfriend and that will be a crushing blow to the friend-zoned guy who will feel like he has had a relationship break up of sorts.

    That is the sum of my social observation on the friend-zone.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by moaty...it's gazza)
    Haha good analogy, it took me a few mins but I finally thought of someone who sucessfully made it out of the assistant zone. Mourinho was Fank Rijkaard's assistant at Barca a long time ago, it's not exactly like he's a 'nice guy' though. Other than that they all end up getting sacked. Paul Hart, Hughton, Avram Grant (Chelsea)...
    With Mourinho it was a bit before Rijkaard's time, he was Bobby Robsons protege at Lisbon and Porto and then went to Barca with him. After Robson went to Newcastle he worked with Van Gaal for a bit then he started going off for head coaching jobs. The key thing is, if he'd stayed at Barca he'd have never had a look in....he had to look for places where he was a fresh face and hadn't been 'assistant-zoned', like Benfica
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by MagicNMedicine)
    With Mourinho it was a bit before Rijkaard's time, he was Bobby Robsons protege at Lisbon and Porto and then went to Barca with him. After Robson went to Newcastle he worked with Van Gaal for a bit then he started going off for head coaching jobs. The key thing is, if he'd stayed at Barca he'd have never had a look in....he had to look for places where he was a fresh face and hadn't been 'assistant-zoned', like Benfica
    yeah your right, was just thinking from memory
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by MagicNMedicine)
    Girls generally enjoy the fact that (from about the ages of 16-26) they enjoy social power of selection when it comes to a mate. During this age the average girl is going to get a lot more male attention, than the average male gets female attention, so she can exercise this power in a lot of ways. So as a male you have to wise up to this and retain your self respect.

    Unfortunately social interaction has some harsh truths. Males in the ages 16-26 generally don't have much power of selection, unless they are at least two out of the three of: good looking/self-confident/high social status. By high social status I mean they are 'something' which gets them respect from other men as well as women, ie in a band, have a good job, in a professional sports club's junior teams and so on. If a man does have two of those (and there are quite a lot who have the first two) then he will have a lot of power of selection over women, he will usually be able to sleep around and have women hanging round texting him scrapping for his attention.

    But unfortunately for our fellow male bretheren there are many men who don't have any of those things, they are just ordinary blokes who would like to have a girlfriend. Sometimes they act in a manipulative way and get bitter when their female friends don't reciprocate their feelings....this is just them lashing out at the frustration of never being able to get in a relationship. And this is the key point for the type of guy who gets friend zoned, he pretty much never gets with girls, EVER.

    By and large males prefer the friendship and company of other males, so it's not as common to get girls in a guy's "friend zone". Guys will hang around girls who they find attractive, but in general guys find girls boring, they don't have interest in talking about the general gossip and chit chat that girls do, they will only maintain a female friendship if there is some level of sexual spark and banter. Now its possible to have female friends even if the guy has a girlfriend, if he finds the girls semi attractive because he can have that slight undertone of playful flirtatiousness, but if he doesn't find the girl attractive on any level then he won't be motivated to flirt with her so he won't bother befriending her. If a guy meets a girl who he is not attracted to, who he senses is interested in him, he will run for the hills, he can't be doing with that, what if his mates find out and take the mick out of it.

    Girls on the other hand have a different concept of friendship and are more open to friendships with the opposite sex so they will happily accept a male friend who they are not attracted to. It will be an easy uncomplicated friendship because she won't need to worry about him being *****y in the way girls have issues with their female friends, and also as she doesn't fancy him, she won't feel nervous or uncomfortable round him. If she senses he fancies her then she will be even more motivated to keep him around, as long as he isn't too full on and put her in an embarrassing situation. Secretly she will find his attention an ego boost and all girls suffer from self confidence issues sometimes so having a friend-zoned admirer helps keep her confidence levels up.

    Most girls have some form of friend-zoned male admirer in their lives at some point. The ideal one is one who is either too shy to ever confess his true feelings, or socially astute enough to realise he doesn't have a chance and will just accept friendship from the girl.

    In some cases the friend zone arrangement suits the guy as well, if he's not very sexually experienced he will be nervous and worried about anything escalating with a girl, but if he's got some female who he fancies, who is willing to spend time with him, he can be almost as happy as though he had a real girlfriend because he gets to do all those 'hanging out' companionship things without exposing his sexual nervousness. But that will be a temporary arrangement at best as in time the girl is going to find a proper boyfriend and that will be a crushing blow to the friend-zoned guy who will feel like he has had a relationship break up of sorts.

    That is the sum of my social observation on the friend-zone.
    Excellent post REP+, I think you're right there.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by MagicNMedicine)
    Girls generally enjoy the fact that (from about the ages of 16-26) they enjoy social power of selection when it comes to a mate. During this age the average girl is going to get a lot more male attention, than the average male gets female attention, so she can exercise this power in a lot of ways. So as a male you have to wise up to this and retain your self respect.

    Unfortunately social interaction has some harsh truths. Males in the ages 16-26 generally don't have much power of selection, unless they are at least two out of the three of: good looking/self-confident/high social status. By high social status I mean they are 'something' which gets them respect from other men as well as women, ie in a band, have a good job, in a professional sports club's junior teams and so on. If a man does have two of those (and there are quite a lot who have the first two) then he will have a lot of power of selection over women, he will usually be able to sleep around and have women hanging round texting him scrapping for his attention.

    But unfortunately for our fellow male bretheren there are many men who don't have any of those things, they are just ordinary blokes who would like to have a girlfriend. Sometimes they act in a manipulative way and get bitter when their female friends don't reciprocate their feelings....this is just them lashing out at the frustration of never being able to get in a relationship. And this is the key point for the type of guy who gets friend zoned, he pretty much never gets with girls, EVER.

    By and large males prefer the friendship and company of other males, so it's not as common to get girls in a guy's "friend zone". Guys will hang around girls who they find attractive, but in general guys find girls boring, they don't have interest in talking about the general gossip and chit chat that girls do, they will only maintain a female friendship if there is some level of sexual spark and banter. Now its possible to have female friends even if the guy has a girlfriend, if he finds the girls semi attractive because he can have that slight undertone of playful flirtatiousness, but if he doesn't find the girl attractive on any level then he won't be motivated to flirt with her so he won't bother befriending her. If a guy meets a girl who he is not attracted to, who he senses is interested in him, he will run for the hills, he can't be doing with that, what if his mates find out and take the mick out of it.

    Girls on the other hand have a different concept of friendship and are more open to friendships with the opposite sex so they will happily accept a male friend who they are not attracted to. It will be an easy uncomplicated friendship because she won't need to worry about him being *****y in the way girls have issues with their female friends, and also as she doesn't fancy him, she won't feel nervous or uncomfortable round him. If she senses he fancies her then she will be even more motivated to keep him around, as long as he isn't too full on and put her in an embarrassing situation. Secretly she will find his attention an ego boost and all girls suffer from self confidence issues sometimes so having a friend-zoned admirer helps keep her confidence levels up.

    Most girls have some form of friend-zoned male admirer in their lives at some point. The ideal one is one who is either too shy to ever confess his true feelings, or socially astute enough to realise he doesn't have a chance and will just accept friendship from the girl.

    In some cases the friend zone arrangement suits the guy as well, if he's not very sexually experienced he will be nervous and worried about anything escalating with a girl, but if he's got some female who he fancies, who is willing to spend time with him, he can be almost as happy as though he had a real girlfriend because he gets to do all those 'hanging out' companionship things without exposing his sexual nervousness. But that will be a temporary arrangement at best as in time the girl is going to find a proper boyfriend and that will be a crushing blow to the friend-zoned guy who will feel like he has had a relationship break up of sorts.

    That is the sum of my social observation on the friend-zone.
    Smartest thing i've ever read (so far) with regards to teen boys and women. This is just SPOT ON mate. Repped you. This is why i'm now focusing solely on my education. I have too much pride to be some silly girl's ego boost and *****.
    I'm somewhat confident but not too good in the looks dept and definetly no social status for me.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by MagicNMedicine)
    Girls generally enjoy the fact that (from about the ages of 16-26) they enjoy social power of selection when it comes to a mate. During this age the average girl is going to get a lot more male attention, than the average male gets female attention, so she can exercise this power in a lot of ways. So as a male you have to wise up to this and retain your self respect.

    Unfortunately social interaction has some harsh truths. Males in the ages 16-26 generally don't have much power of selection, unless they are at least two out of the three of: good looking/self-confident/high social status. By high social status I mean they are 'something' which gets them respect from other men as well as women, ie in a band, have a good job, in a professional sports club's junior teams and so on. If a man does have two of those (and there are quite a lot who have the first two) then he will have a lot of power of selection over women, he will usually be able to sleep around and have women hanging round texting him scrapping for his attention.

    But unfortunately for our fellow male bretheren there are many men who don't have any of those things, they are just ordinary blokes who would like to have a girlfriend. Sometimes they act in a manipulative way and get bitter when their female friends don't reciprocate their feelings....this is just them lashing out at the frustration of never being able to get in a relationship. And this is the key point for the type of guy who gets friend zoned, he pretty much never gets with girls, EVER.

    By and large males prefer the friendship and company of other males, so it's not as common to get girls in a guy's "friend zone". Guys will hang around girls who they find attractive, but in general guys find girls boring, they don't have interest in talking about the general gossip and chit chat that girls do, they will only maintain a female friendship if there is some level of sexual spark and banter. Now its possible to have female friends even if the guy has a girlfriend, if he finds the girls semi attractive because he can have that slight undertone of playful flirtatiousness, but if he doesn't find the girl attractive on any level then he won't be motivated to flirt with her so he won't bother befriending her. If a guy meets a girl who he is not attracted to, who he senses is interested in him, he will run for the hills, he can't be doing with that, what if his mates find out and take the mick out of it.

    Girls on the other hand have a different concept of friendship and are more open to friendships with the opposite sex so they will happily accept a male friend who they are not attracted to. It will be an easy uncomplicated friendship because she won't need to worry about him being *****y in the way girls have issues with their female friends, and also as she doesn't fancy him, she won't feel nervous or uncomfortable round him. If she senses he fancies her then she will be even more motivated to keep him around, as long as he isn't too full on and put her in an embarrassing situation. Secretly she will find his attention an ego boost and all girls suffer from self confidence issues sometimes so having a friend-zoned admirer helps keep her confidence levels up.

    Most girls have some form of friend-zoned male admirer in their lives at some point. The ideal one is one who is either too shy to ever confess his true feelings, or socially astute enough to realise he doesn't have a chance and will just accept friendship from the girl.

    In some cases the friend zone arrangement suits the guy as well, if he's not very sexually experienced he will be nervous and worried about anything escalating with a girl, but if he's got some female who he fancies, who is willing to spend time with him, he can be almost as happy as though he had a real girlfriend because he gets to do all those 'hanging out' companionship things without exposing his sexual nervousness. But that will be a temporary arrangement at best as in time the girl is going to find a proper boyfriend and that will be a crushing blow to the friend-zoned guy who will feel like he has had a relationship break up of sorts.

    That is the sum of my social observation on the friend-zone.
    ****ing dead on. I wouldn't be able to say it better myself.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by kristinaalovesu)
    You know what's funny, I told the guy I'm seeing right now that I don't want to ruin our friendship so I want us only to be friends. I told him that a few months ago. It took him 1 year to go out with him. Now look at me, I'm sleeping with him we chat all the time, seeing each other once a week even though we're not bf/gf yet. Point is, you can't be on the friend zone forever. Sometimes it can change because you grow feelings to that person and realise that you like him in the end.
    Are you settling? Do you think you're settling? If not, why on earth did it take a year for you to go out with him?

    This is an honest question - I'm curious to know the answer.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 20, 2011
Poll
Do you agree with the PM's proposal to cut tuition fees for some courses?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.