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How to go about prompting more of a response (love troubles!) watch

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    Theres this girl I've been friends with for about 6 months, I've got to know her to the point where she is one of my best friends, and I'm one of hers and spend a lot of time with her. Anyway for the past 2 - 3 months I began to realise I had deeper feelings for her, and tried to tell her last week, but kept turning into a nervous wreck and couldn't do it (one day I even brought flowers haha).

    In the end I wrote a letter and attatched it in an email (yeah I know, not the best thing to do, but I'd ran out of time, she was going home the next day) - it was a whole page long explaining how much she means to me, what I like about her and how I feel etc. I also included at the end blah blah I'd love to take you out, and we could take things slow, blah blah I'm fine with a no and that there is no pressure on her to respond either way as I'd still love and care for her either way and treat her the same. (also said I understand if she needs time to think).

    Anyway out of all that, I got a response as part of a text saying "I read ur msg, dno wat 2 say really. Thank u 4 caring, it was really sweet x x"

    This was Monday afternoon. Don't worry, I can see from it that it looks like a polite no. But I feel pretty lost and kinda heartbroken right now, it's as if I've been left hanging as that's not a very straight answer. I just dunno if she is having time to think, or has rejected me and is ignoring the situation.

    Have you guys got an opinion on this?
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    Lol the response means " You're still my friend, I put you in the friend zone for a ***** reason, stay the **** there "
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    Haha, I guess you're right there. That's the impression I get. I'm still entertaining the idea that there's a chance, I'll have to call her up or something to talk after leaving the dust settle a little.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Haha, I guess you're right there. That's the impression I get. I'm still entertaining the idea that there's a chance, I'll have to call her up or something to talk after leaving the dust settle a little.
    The sooner you accept that it isn't going to happen the sooner you can move on You both seem like good people so make sure this doesn't turn into something bigger than it is, good luck!
    • #2
    #2

    I've been thinking about this myself. Wrote a letter in a similar situation (we were friends starting a fling, but she quickly backed out) trying to get back together last Tuesday, or at least resolve the reasons.

    Now, I haven't gotten a response at all, and that's gotten me pretty down. The way I rationalised it was that if she didn't reply in a week, either a) she's forgotten, and hence doesn't care, b) she doesn't care or c) she's trying to avoid the issue. In any case, it's an implicit no.

    Rationalisation doesn't get you anywhere. What you need to think now is how to proceed with your ego, pride and sense of self intact - clearly we've taken a beating on all fronts. Really, I've been moping around this week, and it has to stop.

    So, I've thought about it (overthinking, probably) and have come up with a couple of maxims that I feel comfortable following:

    Put as much time into someone as they put into you
    Time is one of the most limited resources we have, and you accord it to the people you care about most. Realistically, if she hasn't replied now, she's not going to contact me until the holidays are over and we have the prospect of meeting face to face again. Until then, zero contact - she doesn't need the attention, and I don't need the emasculation.

    Things change
    And not usually in a good way. I remember reading somewhere about 'ladder theory' once that, several years later, has made a lot of sense. Essentially, men have a single 'friendship/love' ladder - we can and will consider female friends as potential lovers, whereas women keep separate ladders, which are extremely difficult to jump. You've already placed her on a pedestal on your ladder, from which, if this doesn't work out, will probably be very hard to take her down from.

    So a question to ask - are you going to be friends afterwards? I actually had a conversation about this with her, a short while before things started, and she said in her experience a lot of guys go for the clean break. At the time, I said that a lot of that probably has to do with spite: a kind of retribution in the male mind to rejection - 'why should they enjoy friendship when they won't consider love' - and a make-or-break reaction to the 'I value our friendship too much' line. At the time, I said I wasn't the type of guy to do it.

    Things look different on this side now. First of all, it's not so easy to box and store your feelings, especially if it's to gain clemency from a girl. Secondly, I don't feel entirely un-spiteful at the moment, as rational or unrational as that may be. And thirdly - your 'friendship' would be laced with bittersweet irony of doing the things you would like with her as a lover, but with no significance attached, and continuing tinges of hope. I have no desire to be a pocket ego-boost.

    As for this - I reckon I've already put the ball in her court. If she cares enough to justify a friendship or hope then she needs to resolve this - otherwise this all slowly fades into a silent distance.


    Sorry for the long rant, which is mostly cathartic for me, but I hope this helps you think about the situation. I'm anon because I don't want this 'relationship' to be psycho-analyzed by the people who know me on here.
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Cheers for the reply man, nah it means a lot hearing it from your point of view as well, as there are some similarities. What you said about the ladder thing does make sense, sounds exactly what it's like!

    I went into this, saying that I'd be friends afterwards. And said to myelf, I wasn't the kind of guy to walk away after rejection. However as you say, now I'm in the situation, it is pretty tough - and what you are saying sounds like it would be like that for me. Just as you have, I've been moping around and realise I need to man the **** up, and get ready to move on - as it is a probable no at the moment, I just want a proper response - as I've spend 100s of hours thinking, put it into a letter, then got a 54 character answer that wasn't straight, even if I admit it was kind of a no, but dodging the situation.

    Hopefully she does get in contact with you, and you can resolve your situation. With mine, I'm giving it another day of niceties, before I put my last ounce of care into a message and send it, then if I get nothing I know that she is a ***** that doesn't give a ****.
 
 
 
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