In January my Grandad passed away. He'd been living with us for ten years and had gradually gotten worse the last year, following lots of bad falls and a dislocated shoulder. It was really hard to see him in such pain, he went in and out of hospital for such a long time and by the end, he could no longer eat or drink. I miss him so much, as I was very close to him and I have found it tough dealing with the loss.
My aunt recently passed away and I was also very close to her. Unfortunately, I was unable to go to her funeral, as I had an exam on that day. I have felt really guilty that I couldn't go, because I wanted to say goodbye and pay my respects to her.
As well as all this, my Dad had a cancer operation for the heart and liver in February. He has been recovering and has recently gone back to work, however, today, he has had another operation.
I have been feeling really low and sad, trying to deal with all of this on my own. A lot of friends I thought I had aren't there and I feel quite alone. I explained to one friend how I had felt, and she said that she had been looking after another friend who was grieving, it felt like she didn't care about me. It hurt quite a lot, recently when I spoke to her and told her what she had said, she denied even saying it. After that, I felt like I'd had enough. I am a nice person and I have always given time and energy to my friends and been there for them, and it feels hard, as I just wonder why they aren't around. It feels even worse because some of them are Christians and as they are religious, I didn't really think that they'd act like that. I don't know what to do.
I am not sure how to deal with this grief. I do try and think positive, but then when I see a letter addressed to my grandad, or little reminders, or memories, everything comes flooding back. I'll have good days and bad days, but mostly recently they have been bad days.
It is partly my fault, because at University, I have been putting on a brave face and acting like everything is fine because it's just easy to cope with everything, but now I realise that that's not healthy for me. I can't talk to my Mum, as she is always so bubbly all the time, and she says that she needs to grieve in her own way. Sometimes we will have arguments and I do feel quite bad, because I am close to my family and they are important to me, so I don't know why I get frustrated sometimes. I don't want to upset my Mum by talking about my Grandad and I can't talk to my Dad, as he is recovering.
It would be great if someone could give me some advice or strategies for grief. I just feel really alone at the moment. I just want to get past the grief and be positive again, but I am not sure how. Please help. Thanks.
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- Thread Starter
- 07-04-2011 14:49
- 07-04-2011 14:58
Well... as you're at uni I would say go and see their counselling service or your GP can refer you to an NHS one. They're really really helpful. If you feel that you've had enough time to 'get over' their deaths and are still grieving too much (because I don't think you ever truly stop grieving over someone, just the way you do it changes) then do go because they will be able to help.
- 08-04-2011 01:08
Message me if you like. I'm dealing with grief too, but it's a bit less raw for me seven months on.
- 08-04-2011 02:03
I think you really just need someone to talk to, and there are many charities with people that can lend their ears, Samaritans for one.
08457 90 90 90
I don't think you've actually had a chance to express your feelings, with your Aunty, you weren't even given the chance to say your goodbye as well as you would have liked to - things seem very unfair, but the way you wrote your post indicates to me that you're someone that does have their head on their shoulders and just needs a chance to get some closure.
Best of luck, happy to talk anytime if you need anything.
- 08-04-2011 02:21
(bit of history first paragraph)
I understand where you are coming from my uncle passed away with cancer (june). I was studying for maths had to stay in school on his funeral which sort of made me angry. Then 6 months later my father died in a car crash (RTA) at 4am then my aunty died at 4pm the same day of cancer (november)....
Although one was a sudden death I have had to face dealing with grief for almost 4 years and had to go through counceling because of it which in my opinion did not help. The only things that helped me get from then (2007) to now is the thought that one day i can make them all proud enough. A little bit of advice would also be take it slow and steady i tried looking for answers (not religious answers never been) on the internet and through friends. However you will feel like you will start to annoy these and they dont really want to hear it, i tried turning to alcohol but that didnt help either just made me worse.
Your family just need time to deal with it on their own, dont put anything down about yourself. Just think of the good times, i carry the only photo that i have of my dad with my keys just to remember the good times tho its the bad times that make you happier sometimes. Think of something good you can do each day enjoy your studdies and try to relax.
- 08-04-2011 02:30
There's no fixed method of dealing with grief, i don't personally think there is anyway.
My dad died when I was 15 from cancer.
Be happy, your grandad and aunty would want you to be. Get you're mind of things by working hard on your work, it will make you more successful which would have made your grandad and aunty proud.
- 08-04-2011 06:08
I agree with the others, you need someone to talk to. Are you sure you can't talk to your mum? If you're close I'm sure she won't want you to be carrying all of this on your own. You've had a lot happen to you within a few months and, as everyone always says, it just takes time. My grandmother died in January and the circumstances sound similar to your grandfather. All I can say is that things will get better and you need to concentrate on rebuilding your life (maybe getting some new friends!) and making them proud