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Err bit of a mess.. any thoughts? watch

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    Long story short.. I have some major self esteem issues (yawwwn) but when me and my OH got together he made me feel so much better, I started feeling good about myself for the first time.

    Then after a while he went off sex, and once we got into a raging argument and he called me fat. He later said he did it on purpose because he knew it was the one thing that would hurt me. Not sure if I ever really believed him after that.

    I found a huge folder of porn pictures on his laptop a few months back, and he quickly deleted them. Or so I thought.. the sneaky sod just moved them. Me being oblivious to the fact until I stumbled on the other folder just after Christmas. We had a big heart to heart and I basically poured my heart out about how I felt about myself and how it made me feel knowing that he had all that porn when he hardly wanted to have sex with me. He got really upset about it and apologised, we cleared the air and I thought things were ok. He said he'd lay off the porn which I appreciated. I know it's probably me being oversensitive but I just wanted him to support me while I work on my issues instead of adding to them.

    Anyway, on his laptop again and I admit I snooped but I just needed confirmation that he was being honest.. and what happens? A new folder in a system folder that he thought I'd never find! The kick in the face is that he made it the same night we had the heart to heart.. we live together and the only time I wasn't in the room that night was when I made dinner or went to the toilet. It's like the second I was out of the room he did it.. I couldn't believe it.

    Argument ensued.. since then he's incredibly open and honest about what he does on the laptop, because I basically said if he wasn't then I'd leave him because it wasn't doing either of us any good and I couldn't take the secrets and lying.

    So tonight he's at work, I've gone to use his playstation to play some music through my tv and in the predictive text bit at the side is all the porn sites he's been searching for. I'm absolutely livid. Why bother saying you'll stop and then lie about it? He knows how much I hate being lied to yet he continuously does it.

    Tonight's plan was to get all dressed up for him in some sexy underwear and surprise him for his birthday, now I don't even feel like being here when he gets home. So sick of the covering up and lack of honesty.. can't really have a relationship filled with lies can you?
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    can't really have a relationship filled with lies can you?
    Whilst true, has he lied to you about anything else besides the porn?
    I mean, from somethings on this forum some girls would love to have a guy who's only flaw was he loved his porn.
    So as hurt as you are, which is understandable, what else is there?

    I;m guessing you feel inadaquate, down, etc. And i'm sorry. But has he actually said "why" he went off sex? Or "why" he's refused to give up? If he has, at all.
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    Ah well see that's the thing.. basically he got in touch with an ex and they were sending secret messages on facebook, then emails.. then some other girl he met online started inboxing him and I later found out that to hide it from me he created a fake facebook profile to talk to her. It's all a bit of a mess when it comes to him using his laptop and it's really brought my confidence right back down to zero when I was doing so well.

    The porn was just the icing on the cake really.. I've been dealing with it and working through all the other stuff and was starting to feel okay, and here's something else to kick me in the face.

    Selfish git :|
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    As for the going off sex thing.. he just says he can't be bothered. He's been out of work for a while and gotten really lazy but jesus christ! Now he's back at work his excuse will be that he's tired lol. We'll have a good week where it's back to a reasonable amount (I don't expect it every single day) and then we have times like this where we haven't even kissed properly in about two weeks!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The kick in the face is that he made it the same night we had the heart to heart..
    Haha what a lad.

    Sorry but porn is something that almost every man will watch whether you like it or not. Also trying to stop a guy from watching it just pushes him away from you.
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    Here are some possible causes and solutions for this problem (bear in mind they are in no particular order of likelihood)

    1. He has an addiction to porn. Confront him about this, and suggest he speaks to somebody or goes to counselling/therapy
    2. He finds the women in porn more attractive than you. No real solution, since the women in professional pornography tend to be unrealistically physically fit and well-maintained, have had plastic surgery, and are good actresses. I suggest he talks about this too, if this is the problem
    3. He may be shy/feel inexperienced when it comes to sex. This is something you can solve by using your confidence to bring him out of his bubble and show him how good you can be.
    4. He may feel sex is too much of an effort. Again, you will have to coax him out of his shell and give him a good time
    5. He is trying to irritate you for fun
    6. He prefers watching porn to having sex, for the simple reason that he enjoys the former more than the latter
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    I can accept that every bloke will watch it.. I knew he did before, but surely it's an issue when he doesn't want sex with me. I don't think I'm asking too much for him to have a little consideration for my feelings.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    he went off sex ... and he called me fat
    Lose some weight or lose the lying chump, your call
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    (Original post by AmericanPsycho)
    Here are some possible causes and solutions for this problem (bear in mind they are in no particular order of likelihood)

    1. He has an addiction to porn. Confront him about this, and suggest he speaks to somebody or goes to counselling/therapy
    2. He finds the women in porn more attractive than you. No real solution, since the women in professional pornography tend to be unrealistically physically fit and well-maintained, have had plastic surgery, and are good actresses. I suggest he talks about this too, if this is the problem
    3. He may be shy/feel inexperienced when it comes to sex. This is something you can solve by using your confidence to bring him out of his bubble and show him how good you can be.
    4. He may feel sex is too much of an effort. Again, you will have to coax him out of his shell and give him a good time
    5. He is trying to irritate you for fun
    6. He prefers watching porn to having sex, for the simple reason that he enjoys the former more than the latter
    He says he's not addicted, and that he doesn't even masturbate to porn, he just looks but doesn't get turned on (I think that's total **** though). He's not sexually inexperienced and the least shy person I know.. I've tried everything I can think of to get him in the mood and interested but I've run out of ideas. Sorry I've just rubbished most of your reply lol.. it's just I've already covered this ground with him before.

    At a loss as to what to do now!
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    Ah well see that's the thing.. basically he got in touch with an ex and they were sending secret messages on facebook, then emails.. then some other girl he met online started inboxing him and I later found out that to hide it from me he created a fake facebook profile to talk to her.
    Then he's basically cheating? =/

    Thing is, do you really feel he's worth it?

    In addition, he called you fat. Because you are, or because you percieve yourself to be?
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    You could do so much better than that! you shouldnt be treated like that at all. But if you really want to try and make it work, i suggest you leave like a note saying you need space, or just something vague like 'cant believe youve done it again' and stay at a friends or parents for a day or so, and just ignore hi calls and let the reality of it sink in for him, he needs to realise that its not okay to treat you like that and maybe some drastic action rather than just talking might be the kick up the bum he needs! good luck! x

    Whats with the neg?! He's been a ****!!
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    What a ****. You can't even offer him one more chance, he had his chances and you cannot trust a word he says. What's the point in dragging this out any longer? I'd dump girrrrl
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    Seriously, everyone watches porn. Get used to it.
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    (Original post by Sovietpride)
    Then he's basically cheating? =/

    Thing is, do you really feel he's worth it?

    In addition, he called you fat. Because you are, or because you percieve yourself to be?
    Some days I think he is and I just put it down to him not really THINKING about what he's doing.. he's always been the kind to act first think later. But on bad days I can't rationalise it and I just want to leave. I really wish life was black and white lol. He says that he said it because it's what I think about myself and that he doesn't and never has thought I'm fat.

    Can I believe that though? Grr!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Long story short.. I have some major self esteem issues (yawwwn) but when me and my OH got together he made me feel so much better, I started feeling good about myself for the first time.

    Then after a while he went off sex, and once we got into a raging argument and he called me fat. He later said he did it on purpose because he knew it was the one thing that would hurt me. Not sure if I ever really believed him after that.

    I found a huge folder of porn pictures on his laptop a few months back, and he quickly deleted them. Or so I thought.. the sneaky sod just moved them. Me being oblivious to the fact until I stumbled on the other folder just after Christmas. We had a big heart to heart and I basically poured my heart out about how I felt about myself and how it made me feel knowing that he had all that porn when he hardly wanted to have sex with me. He got really upset about it and apologised, we cleared the air and I thought things were ok. He said he'd lay off the porn which I appreciated. I know it's probably me being oversensitive but I just wanted him to support me while I work on my issues instead of adding to them.

    Anyway, on his laptop again and I admit I snooped but I just needed confirmation that he was being honest.. and what happens? A new folder in a system folder that he thought I'd never find! The kick in the face is that he made it the same night we had the heart to heart.. we live together and the only time I wasn't in the room that night was when I made dinner or went to the toilet. It's like the second I was out of the room he did it.. I couldn't believe it.

    Argument ensued.. since then he's incredibly open and honest about what he does on the laptop, because I basically said if he wasn't then I'd leave him because it wasn't doing either of us any good and I couldn't take the secrets and lying.

    So tonight he's at work, I've gone to use his playstation to play some music through my tv and in the predictive text bit at the side is all the porn sites he's been searching for. I'm absolutely livid. Why bother saying you'll stop and then lie about it? He knows how much I hate being lied to yet he continuously does it.

    Tonight's plan was to get all dressed up for him in some sexy underwear and surprise him for his birthday, now I don't even feel like being here when he gets home. So sick of the covering up and lack of honesty.. can't really have a relationship filled with lies can you?
    Guys look at porn. It's something most guys do, and will continue to do even when in a relationship and through married life. I wouldn't get angry about it, because you'll have a hard time finding a guy who doesn't (your boyfriend is just pretty bad at hiding it). If he's watching porn instead of having sex with you (when you're willing to), then I'd be worried about it, but I don't know how it stands in that respect.
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    (Original post by lukas1051)
    Guys look at porn. It's something most guys do, and will continue to do even when in a relationship and through married life. I wouldn't get angry about it, because you'll have a hard time finding a guy who doesn't (your boyfriend is just pretty bad at hiding it). If he's watching porn instead of having sex with you (when you're willing to), then I'd be worried about it, but I don't know how it stands in that respect.
    That's what I'm getting at.. if things between us sexually were ok then I'd be a bit more relaxed about it, but they're not so I'm wondering whether he still fancies me or not. His answer is yes but nothing changes.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Long story short.. I have some major self esteem issues (yawwwn) but when me and my OH got together he made me feel so much better, I started feeling good about myself for the first time.

    Then after a while he went off sex, and once we got into a raging argument and he called me fat. He later said he did it on purpose because he knew it was the one thing that would hurt me. Not sure if I ever really believed him after that.

    I found a huge folder of porn pictures on his laptop a few months back, and he quickly deleted them. Or so I thought.. the sneaky sod just moved them. Me being oblivious to the fact until I stumbled on the other folder just after Christmas. We had a big heart to heart and I basically poured my heart out about how I felt about myself and how it made me feel knowing that he had all that porn when he hardly wanted to have sex with me. He got really upset about it and apologised, we cleared the air and I thought things were ok. He said he'd lay off the porn which I appreciated. I know it's probably me being oversensitive but I just wanted him to support me while I work on my issues instead of adding to them.

    Anyway, on his laptop again and I admit I snooped but I just needed confirmation that he was being honest.. and what happens? A new folder in a system folder that he thought I'd never find! The kick in the face is that he made it the same night we had the heart to heart.. we live together and the only time I wasn't in the room that night was when I made dinner or went to the toilet. It's like the second I was out of the room he did it.. I couldn't believe it.

    Argument ensued.. since then he's incredibly open and honest about what he does on the laptop, because I basically said if he wasn't then I'd leave him because it wasn't doing either of us any good and I couldn't take the secrets and lying.

    So tonight he's at work, I've gone to use his playstation to play some music through my tv and in the predictive text bit at the side is all the porn sites he's been searching for. I'm absolutely livid. Why bother saying you'll stop and then lie about it? He knows how much I hate being lied to yet he continuously does it.

    Tonight's plan was to get all dressed up for him in some sexy underwear and surprise him for his birthday, now I don't even feel like being here when he gets home. So sick of the covering up and lack of honesty.. can't really have a relationship filled with lies can you?
    To start with, don't give up on the sexy underwear plan for tonight!!! Guys LOVE that, don't underestimate the power of some lacy lingerie!!!

    Secondly, while I agree with the honesty issue, any sexually active guy who has a lockable door and internet access will look at porn and masturbate over random sex videos. Fact. If you could come to terms with him looking at porn, then he could be honest with you and then there wouldn't be a problem.

    If you want to take it one step further, when you surprise him with your sexy underwear, and then put some porn on for the two of you to watch together.... It'll help your self-esteem and do wonders for your relationship! ;-)
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    (Original post by dinglemeister)
    To start with, don't give up on the sexy underwear plan for tonight!!! Guys LOVE that, don't underestimate the power of some lacy lingerie!!!

    Secondly, while I agree with the honesty issue, any sexually active guy who has a lockable door and internet access will look at porn and masturbate over random sex videos. Fact. If you could come to terms with him looking at porn, then he could be honest with you and then there wouldn't be a problem.

    If you want to take it one step further, when you surprise him with your sexy underwear, and then put some porn on for the two of you to watch together.... It'll help your self-esteem and do wonders for your relationship! ;-)
    Bless you, some constructive advice always helps! You're probably right, if I could come to terms with it it'd be easier but he makes that very difficult for me. A few months back I'd have put the porn on to watch with him, and have done in the past.. now it just makes me feel inadequate and turns me off because all I do is wonder if he's comparing me to them.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Bless you, some constructive advice always helps! You're probably right, if I could come to terms with it it'd be easier but he makes that very difficult for me. A few months back I'd have put the porn on to watch with him, and have done in the past.. now it just makes me feel inadequate and turns me off because all I do is wonder if he's comparing me to them.
    I aim to please :-)

    Its sad that he makes it difficult for you to come to terms with him watching porn, and the way that he's gone about things.

    You sound lovely and deserve to be made to feel better about yourself.

    I'm sure he's not comparing you to them... they're just pictures on a screen, you're his lovely, thoughtful, caring girlfriend.

    PM me if you like.....? x
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    Stop snooping around his laptop.

    And come on...porn? Really? How is that even an issue.
 
 
 
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