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    #4

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah, I pretty much tick all the boxes on that list of symptoms, think there's only one I wouldn't say applies. I went to the doctors a while ago about social anxiety and she said I should go for CBT and I got some beta blockers but after some complications, it turned out I had to organise the CBT myself, I was nervous about it in the first place and so when it turned out I had to do it myself, I didn't do it. You know, telling someone with social anxiety, an avoidant disorder in the first place that they have to go and organise a one to one with a stranger and talk about everything was never really going to happen and also I kept thinking, maybe I'm just making excuses and I was scared that the counsellor would just think I'm wasting my time and that there was nothing actually wrong with me, other than just being a wuss. The beta blockers never really did much either and after about 2 months I stopped going back to the doctors and haven't spoken to them about it since.
    I'm pretty sure I have something like avpd. I'm going to see my GP tomorrow. From googling this condition it does seem like a pretty damning diagnoses to have. Some older people making vlogs on youtube seem to have such a miserable quality of life after leaving institutions like uni/school.

    Most of my time avoiding others i've spent working online to build up material items due to some kind of false feeling of inferiority. I've recently come to the conclusion that i don't have anything in life beyond weak acquaintances and material items. Many people are envious of my money, car, clothes, food, gadgets etc but they probably don't realise that's literally all i have. A lot of my social interactions somewhat depend on these material items, but chasing them hasn't solved my loneliness at all. I see people on here thinking money is the path to happiness/relationships, but the reality is without a healthy personality it counts for nothing. I believe that even if i had £1bn it wouldn't change my situation at all.

    I've said to my family "i literally don't have anything" and they say "you have everything" and go on to list material items and academic achievements. They're in denial about my problem.

    I even looked into plastic surgery. All 8 surgeons I consulted said there's nothing worth doing, so this again confirms it's something mentally wrong.

    I see people here saying the gym is the way forward. I honestly can't see having a model-like physique solving this problem. If i could be instantly given that kind of body instead of the skinny one i currently have; what would change? i'd still be sitting here. I might not be self conscious about my skinniness, but i would worry about what i say and my body language, which i'd say makes up about 70% of my fears.

    Chasing these superficial things doesn't help, it just makes people like me think 'i need to get x before i can be worth anything', then when/if they get x they're still mostly the same and find something else to chase. Before they know it they're 20yo without anything having changed.

    What percentage of skinny people have my problems? I haven't met any. I can see how the kind of depressive mood whatever my problem is makes it likely someone will be skinny, but simply becoming muscular won't fix the actual issue.

    The only social benefit superficial things like money (and i'm guessing muscles) have had in my life is as a defence against people i perceive would reject me. I find it satisfying to see the painful look of envy on these people's faces when i casually press the key of quite an expensive brand new car on campus.

    For a while i thought i might have antisocial personality disorder after being able to relate to the emptiness of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, but i think i've developed these traits as a way of isolating myself when i actually do interact with others. I don't lack empathy or a conscience, so i guess it's more likely to be avpd.

    I was also diagnosed with a kind of cancer that if left untreated would've lead to 4-7 month 'survival rate'. Thankfully i've had the operation to remove the tumour and don't need radiotherapy or anything else. I feel as if i came uncomfortably close to dying without really living. This is one of the main reasons i'm seeking treatment tomorrow.

    You should look at the people in those vlogs. I feel sick thinking i could end up like them. For me, the misery caused by whatever is wrong with me has only gotten worse. Despair is probably the best way to describe how i feel most of the time now. Like most days i'm awake until 6am and won't have much of an urge to wake up because i don't have anything to look forward to. I'll probably spend the entire summer uni vacation stuck online, occasionally IMing weak acquaintances and fearing them asking what i did/doing during this time.

    Somehow i've been invited to live in a house next year by someone i can relate to who isn't a leech or at all shallow. I can relate to you not wanting to meet that girl because i have similar situations. I've spoken to a lot of people online and then responded to small talk with them in person without ever introducing myself because i felt the conversation wouldn't make a good first impression. Once a person i had interacted with like this asked if i knew 'who [my name] was' and had no idea when i said 'me'.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    How can I stop this? I'm not a very confident guy, obviously, and I absolutely despise how I can never pull up the confidence to actually approach women. In clubs, even when I'm drunk, I find it hard to approach anyone and dance with them which ultimately ends up with me being lonely for the night. I met the girl of my dreams online and after talking to her for a month or so, was too scared to meet her in real life for fear of her hating me and losing someone I enjoyed talking to. I still talk to her but now she has a BF and not meeting her is currently the biggest regret of my life... I know girls like confidence but I just can't do it. I view myself as a failure, no matter what I achieve because there is always someone better.

    I'm sick of being single, I'm sick of not being able to approach girls but most of all, I'm sick of just not having the confidence in myself to take advantage of situations when they present themselves and all these things just end up combining to make me hate myself even more, creating a never ending circle of self-loathing.


    I should mention too, I don't think "Just try being confident for a day" comments are very helpful. While being confident is solely based on your personality and how you perceive the world, it's not as easy as just 'becoming confident'. Take for example someone who isn't funny, you wouldn't just say to them "Try being funny for a day". Even though being funny is a personality trait and how funny you are, is entirely based upon yourself, does not mean you can instantaneously switch from being unfunny to funny.

    Anyway, help and advice is much appreciated. Thanks
    Like someone else said, keep faking confidence until you believe in it.

    I went from being seen as really shy and hard to talk to, to someone who finds social situations, meeting new people etc. really stimulating and is rarely phased by it all, even when things get nasty or violent.

    It's not an instant switch that's for sure, and you will definitely get rejected lots and lots of times - but keep going, and you'll meet the next great girl through trial and error, just like the rest of us mortals =)

    Remember- potential rejections don't define you, but are great learning opportunities and ways of figuring out what works and what doesn't.

    There was a really inspirational thread on here last month by a guy who had serious mental health issues in the past - he was hospitalized a lot and had no friends, his family were emotionally moronic and didn't see his pain as real - so he packed his stuff, got into university and started a new life. He had to teach himself how to be with people, had to learn all the social stuff we take forgranted on his own. His method was going to nightclubs and talking to strangers, forcing himself. He said it went down like a lead balloon a lot at the beginning, but pretty quick he figured out what was okay and what wasn't. Just empirically. Within a year of getting out of his looney bin - solid group of friends and girlfriend who loves him.

    If he can do it, no reason why you can't =)
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's nice to know that it's not just the outgoing confident guys that get all the girls, it does give some hope that someone will actually like me, even if I'm not as confident as I'd like to be. That being said though, I would still prefer to change rather than waiting for someone who does like guys who are a bit shy etc because I don't like being like this, I'm just not sure how to go about it... How do you actually become confident with who you are? I just don't know how I can stop overanalysing everything and stop caring so much >.<
    Thinking about it, i think i might have an idea of how i managed to become confident. Its not always about putting in effort to be confident...sometimes you just think of something in a certain way or come to a realisation that makes you see the world differently and you no longer worry.

    For me, when i wasnt confident, i used to think everybody could see it, or could tell that i was unhappy, despite the fact i never displayed it. Its one of those feelings that you have where you believe you're not fooling anybody. But i was. During heart-to-hearts, people would confess that they wished they were as outgoing and confident as me. They said they wanted my happiness. I didnt have any really, but they thought i did! Compared to other people, i didnt think i was that outgoing or confident, but thats only how 'i' saw myself. So, from this, i started to look at myself (the way i was then) from everyone elses point of view, reminding myself they knew nothing about what went on in my head. I did seem like a pretty happy person.

    It made me realise that when people appear happy, its not always the case. Sure, they're probabally more happy than unhappy the lot of em, but most of the time alot more worrying and stuff goes on in their heads than we think. When you know this, it does help you feel less isolated. Im not trivialising your worry here by making out others are all exactly like you; since youre so concerned about it, its obviously a problem. You should PM me and we can talk more about it if you like. Im a really happy person now, so dont worry about me bringing you down
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by maskofsanity)
    Well, whenever I come across a shy, insecure and quiet person they are nearly always skinny. Obviously I'm not saying to go get big and your life will be complete - I'm just saying that maybe if you were confident about your body it would improve your personality - it certainly made me more confident.

    But hey, I'm not a doctor, and your issue (and the OPs) aren't going to be solved on a student forum...
    So basically what you've done is come along, taken one of the few things I am actually reasonably comfortable with and then told me I shouldn't be comfortable about that either. Thanks for that. Thanks a lot.
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Lunalocket)
    Thinking about it, i think i might have an idea of how i managed to become confident. Its not always about putting in effort to be confident...sometimes you just think of something in a certain way or come to a realisation that makes you see the world differently and you no longer worry.

    For me, when i wasnt confident, i used to think everybody could see it, or could tell that i was unhappy, despite the fact i never displayed it. Its one of those feelings that you have where you believe you're not fooling anybody. But i was. During heart-to-hearts, people would confess that they wished they were as outgoing and confident as me. They said they wanted my happiness. I didnt have any really, but they thought i did! Compared to other people, i didnt think i was that outgoing or confident, but thats only how 'i' saw myself. So, from this, i started to look at myself (the way i was then) from everyone elses point of view, reminding myself they knew nothing about what went on in my head. I did seem like a pretty happy person.

    It made me realise that when people appear happy, its not always the case. Sure, they're probabally more happy than unhappy the lot of em, but most of the time alot more worrying and stuff goes on in their heads than we think. When you know this, it does help you feel less isolated. Im not trivialising your worry here by making out others are all exactly like you; since youre so concerned about it, its obviously a problem. You should PM me and we can talk more about it if you like. Im a really happy person now, so dont worry about me bringing you down
    Mm, I don't know how I appear to others, I find it impossible to tell, I've had one friend tell me that he sees me as an incredibly calm and happy person and that nothing seems to bother me, I think what he said to me was "I'd love to see inside your head, I imagine it to be like running through long grass and sunshine", or something like that... Made me laugh anyway, as I'm the complete opposite really. I've also had some people say to me that I'd be good at acting because I'm obviously not comfortable with being me. Bit closer to the truth. Without some kind of realisation though that people don't actually see me, as I see me, I find it hard to imagine how I would be able to completely change my perspective of myself?

    (Original post by forsaken_earth)
    Like someone else said, keep faking confidence until you believe in it.

    I went from being seen as really shy and hard to talk to, to someone who finds social situations, meeting new people etc. really stimulating and is rarely phased by it all, even when things get nasty or violent.

    It's not an instant switch that's for sure, and you will definitely get rejected lots and lots of times - but keep going, and you'll meet the next great girl through trial and error, just like the rest of us mortals =)

    Remember- potential rejections don't define you, but are great learning opportunities and ways of figuring out what works and what doesn't.

    There was a really inspirational thread on here last month by a guy who had serious mental health issues in the past - he was hospitalized a lot and had no friends, his family were emotionally moronic and didn't see his pain as real - so he packed his stuff, got into university and started a new life. He had to teach himself how to be with people, had to learn all the social stuff we take forgranted on his own. His method was going to nightclubs and talking to strangers, forcing himself. He said it went down like a lead balloon a lot at the beginning, but pretty quick he figured out what was okay and what wasn't. Just empirically. Within a year of getting out of his looney bin - solid group of friends and girlfriend who loves him.

    If he can do it, no reason why you can't =)
    The thing with faking confidence is, you need to actually be somewhat confident in the first place to actually fake it, do you not? I'm really, what's the difference between faking it and not faking it? It has the same effect and you do the same things, it's hard to fake it when you have so little there in the first place.

    That story is very encouraging though, if someone much worse off than me can do it, why shouldn't I be able to as well? They sounded like they have a lot of will power though...


    (Original post by maskofsanity)
    Wow. Okay, here's a better idea; stop crying and wasting your life in self-pity because you can't pull girls in clubs. I mean, are you serious? No one cares if you can't fool a girl into coming back home with you. Do you honestly think that's a reason to hate yourself? Next time you get home from a club, hugging yourself in your room alone because you didn't have the confidence to chat up that girl who was throwing up on her dress, think to yourself, is it possible that my situation, in the grand scheme of things, is actually pretty insignificant?

    Judging by the way you reacted to me when I was trying to HELP, tells me that you're the kind of over sensitive person who thinks everyone is against them and trying to take a dig. Maybe it's time to man up and stop feeling sorry for yourself about such ridiculous issues as getting girls.
    I really don't think you get it. It's not just as simple as, being able to pull girls in a club, it's about not being able to get girls at all and even at that, it's more than that, it's about fundamentally being unhappy with myself. You can't tell me that relationships aren't important in life, everyone needs some people and pretty much everyone needs some kind of intimacy/a relationship with the opposite sex. Granted there are a few that don't need it but for the vast majority of people it's a requirement for happiness. I don't want to be lonely my entire life. So no, it's not insignificant at all. Besides, even if it was insignifant, if it's genuinely making me feel like **** and I genuinely am struggling to do anything about it, then what does it matter if that problem is insignificant to other people, the fact is, it's significant to me and that's what matters.
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    you're not ready to help yourself yet. when you are, you'll listen.
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    Do you play any musical instruments? WHat are your hobbies? Having some kind of a goal and idea of what you want to do with your life and having interests helps you become more confident and have more to talk about. Even keeping up with news and stories/music/tv is good.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by sidoraH)
    you're not ready to help yourself yet. when you are, you'll listen.
    What do you mean? I've been reading all the replies and trying to see how I could take the advice of what people are saying, some people have given some useful advice, some not so useful but I have been reading what people are saying... Just that, well, when people say "You just need to become more confident with yourself" it's a bit like, well yeah but how? I mean, people say, well you just have to put yourself out there and overcome the fears of rejection but again, when the problem itself is not being able to put myself out there in the first place, then it doesn't really help that much =/ I accept that there's no quick fix or anything and it's going to take time to become fully comfortable with myself. It's just ****ing hard.

    (Original post by randomemotions)
    Do you play any musical instruments? WHat are your hobbies? Having some kind of a goal and idea of what you want to do with your life and having interests helps you become more confident and have more to talk about. Even keeping up with news and stories/music/tv is good.
    Yeah, I play guitar. I'm not very good though, even though I've been playing for quite a few years, which is very disheartening. It just seems that whatever I do, I'm always just mediocre at it, not for lacking of trying, just for lack of fundamental ability. I don't really have many hobbies, certainly not many that are people orientated, they're more things like gaming/technology/reading etc and well, most of them are just boring to talk about. I'm doing a degree at the moment, so I guess that's my current goal but frankly, I just don't think I'm good enough to do well in it, I'm really finding it tough.... I'm just useless really. Is it actually possibly to go from useless to... not useless?
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    (Original post by twist.the.illusion)
    I want one of these...
    Sadly they only exist in my imagination
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    (Original post by BigDirty)
    Fake the confidence until it comes naturally. That's what I done. Noone in clubs known that your not confident, so just fake it
    i fake confidence all the time!! works a treat.... or just laugh everything off lol

    but yeah i hate myself for various reasons but no biggy. im a happy person, well that's what everyone thinks lol. oh god i think i have issus lol x
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    How can you hate yourself?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)

    Yeah, I play guitar. I'm not very good though, even though I've been playing for quite a few years, which is very disheartening. It just seems that whatever I do, I'm always just mediocre at it, not for lacking of trying, just for lack of fundamental ability. I don't really have many hobbies, certainly not many that are people orientated, they're more things like gaming/technology/reading etc and well, most of them are just boring to talk about. I'm doing a degree at the moment, so I guess that's my current goal but frankly, I just don't think I'm good enough to do well in it, I'm really finding it tough.... I'm just useless really. Is it actually possibly to go from useless to... not useless?
    You judge yourself way too much op, you need to believe in yourself more. Its self belief and determination that makes people good at things you don't have to be great at everything you try you know people are not gonna hate you if you are not perfect, you need to change your attitude to I can do it. start with I love myself
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    I hate you aswell.
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    (Original post by The Notorious One)
    You judge yourself way too much op, you need to believe in yourself more. Its self belief and determination that makes people good at things you don't have to be great at everything you try you know people are not gonna hate you if you are not perfect, you need to change your attitude to I can do it. start with I love myself
    This is so true.

    No one is going to hate you because you're not perfect. But no one is going to even have the chance of loving you if you don't get out there and meet those people..

    <3
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by ussumane)
    How can you hate yourself?
    Pretty easily... When you don't find anything to like about yourself, you always let yourself down, when you seem to always fall short of your own expectations, when you don't even come close to you own expectations, when you consistently see people who are better than you. When you just consistently view yourself, not as someone awesome or good in any way really, but a just a bit of a loser.

    (Original post by The Notorious One)
    You judge yourself way too much op, you need to believe in yourself more. Its self belief and determination that makes people good at things you don't have to be great at everything you try you know people are not gonna hate you if you are not perfect, you need to change your attitude to I can do it. start with I love myself
    Mm, I really liked this post. I do agree with you, I need to believe in myself more and instead of constantly thinking I'm going to **** things up, start thinking that I can actually do it. It's hard to stop being so critical of myself though, if I try to do a problem and can't figure it out, instead of just thinking it's a hard problem and that's why I can't do it, I'll think it's just because I'm stupid and assume most other people can do it. I'm not sure how to get out of that thinking pattern, maybe it will change if I start believing in myself more but then also, if I try to believe in myself and then fail at something, it shakes the belief. I dunno, you're right though, I need to change my attitude and I need to start somewhere.

    (Original post by VeeBelle)
    This is so true.

    No one is going to hate you because you're not perfect. But no one is going to even have the chance of loving you if you don't get out there and meet those people..

    &lt;3
    I do meet people, sometimes, none of them seem to love me though =(
    Apart from this one girl though and wooooah, she is amazing. She makes me laugh so much, she makes me smile, she's caring and is always there for me, I can talk to her about anything and everything, she actually appreciates me for me, even if I'm a misery guts, she's sweet and loving, not to mention incredibly intelligent, although, she's too modest about that but I know she is. That's not even mentioning how utterly gorgeous she is. I love her!
 
 
 
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