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I keep ****ing up my life, people dont like me and Im falling back to an ED watch

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    As the title says I had an eating disorder but was doing really well for the last two years. Felt like my relationship with food was actually normal, I wasn't obsessed by counting it and restricting and was actually able to enjoy eating with friends etc and had a healthy diet, and felt relaxed and comfortable in my own skin.

    But the last two weeks have been pretty bad. I've slid into my old habits completely, including the old familiar sensation of feeling like I am obscenely fat and disgusting and subhuman. I dont know what to do. I think its happening because I'm under a lot of stress, I am trying to make friends but everyone seems to not hate but just not like me at all. I am at such a loss.

    I am incredibly frustrated. Ive been through much worse times than this in the last two years, like when my mum died, and the ED didnt get its claws into me then. Why now? I feel so powerless to stop it, and realise how ****ing stupid it is and that if I cant make friends right now I will make friends at some point, but I am so lonely and upset and then the crap with the food grips me. Then the worse I feel (fatter and filthier and horrible) the more insecure I become and the less likely Im going to make friends anyway.

    I dont know why Im posting, even

    Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear that you're having such a bad time at the moment
    Was there anything in particular that made you start to feel 'fat and disgusting'? I know you've been under stress, so maybe you keep putting yourself down in general, and since putting yourself down for your weight is so familiar to you, it came back.

    But you managed to overcome it before, so you know you can do it again. How did you do it the first time? If you were speaking to doctors etc, you need to start again, or at least tell someone who is qualified to properly help. Maybe if you sort out other stuff that is bothering you, hopefully you can stop beating yourself up for everything

    Sorry to hear about your problem

    Could it be possible that you've gone back to worrying about your body in order to take your mind off something else?

    Sorry to hear you are feeling so low at the moment. Making friends can be tricky at times and if you see everyone in their friendship groups and you don't seem to fit it then it can put a dent in your self esteem.

    Sometimes the harder you try to make friends the harder it becomes because you give off a "desperate" vibe, which nobody really wants to be a apart of. The best way i've found of making friends over the years is just by "trying" to be comfortable in your own skin. Stop thinking that everyone is judging you because most of us are so absorbed in our own lives that we don't have the time to analyse or look down on everyone else.

    Despite what everyone tell's you human beings are very similar creatures and if you ask people open ended questions, then you give them the opportunity to talk about their favourite topic of conversation, themselves. You will be classed as a great conversationalist even though it will be them doing all the talking.

    Eventually you'll meet people that have the same interests and outlook on life and these are the people who will become your friends. Life is all about taking opportunities so don't be afraid to strike up a conversation with someone, you never know that person could become your best friend.

    On the eating disorder. I've had a close family member suffer from anorexia and am well aware of how savage eating disorders can be. She realised that it was when she felt powerless in her life that she felt the biggest urges to slip back into the old habits of the disease.

    She learned to be honest with herself and learned to realise what the undercurrent issues were that were making her feel this way and in doing so take control of her life back.

    You seem to be on the right track in self evaluating yourself, all you need to figure out is how to take action to deal with the issues that are making you feel so low. Your self worth has nothing to do with the number of friends you have. Take a step back and imagine a friend or relative was going through what you are going through just now. What would you advise them to do?

    There's your answer.

    I think you need a hug. :hugs:
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