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Commitment-phobics : excuse or reality? watch

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    Isn't this 'commitment phobia' business just another excuse to say 'i'm just not that into you'?

    I mean, if a person really likes someone, they'll probably get over their commitment fears because of their urge to spend time with that person.

    or can it be a genuine issue.

    Opinions? cheers.
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    Some people are afraid of getting in too deep for the reasons you've mentioned. Whilst he may enjoy your company very much, he be aware that of how much he likes you and doesn't like that he can't control his feelings, and even that your actions could also affect his feelings.

    The best thing to do would be to talk to him, find out what is worrying him or bothering him.
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    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_emq7d7OCQs...QA/s1600/humor
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    I'd call myself a commitment-phobe. I'm a very 'closed' person as such and for me commitment is letting someone completely into your life, knocking all the walls down,which I personally find very hard to do. It's also a fear of being hurt too I guess, when things are casual, you have less of a chance of this.
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    I'm terrified of commitment. I live with my girlfriend and I still get this nagging voice asking me what the hell I'm doing. I'm awful at talking about my feelings, and I spent my younger years having a stream of meaningless, sex-based casual relationships just to avoid getting close to anyone (not that I realised that at the time).

    So yeah, it's a real thing.
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    Of course it can be used as an excuse, but I think it can also be a genuine thing. Commitment can be, well, boring. Doesn't matter how great the person is, commitment can be quite a big deal.

    And it can be scary too. If you've been hurt before, the thought of letting someone into pretty much every area of your life, and letting them see you at your worst and most vulnerable, is a little bit intimidating.
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    i used it as an excuse when really all i want to do was shag the **** out of the girl
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    Personally i think it's a load of rubbish. It's just another way of saying I don't want a relationship with you but I'm happy to string you along until I find someone who I really like.
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    (Original post by Watcher7)
    I'm terrified of commitment. I live with my girlfriend and I still get this nagging voice asking me what the hell I'm doing. I'm awful at talking about my feelings, and I spent my younger years having a stream of meaningless, sex-based casual relationships just to avoid getting close to anyone (not that I realised that at the time).

    So yeah, it's a real thing.
    Yes, but at the end of the day, your attachment/feelings for your girlfriend prevailed and even though you might have been reluctant to get closer to her, you did in the end. So what I'm saying is that, if you like someone enough, you will probably get closer to them/commit to them in the end. The fear is there, but it's not strong enough to stop you.


    (Original post by FrostyLemon)
    Personally i think it's a load of rubbish. It's just another way of saying I don't want a relationship with you but I'm happy to string you along until I find someone who I really like.

    Yea, that's what was on my mind...at the end of the day, if you really like someone, your fears probably will become secondary, even if they might be real.
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    (Original post by heart shaped box)
    Yes, but at the end of the day, your attachment/feelings for your girlfriend prevailed and even though you might have been reluctant to get closer to her, you did in the end. So what I'm saying is that, if you like someone enough, you will probably get closer to them/commit to them in the end. The fear is there, but it's not strong enough to stop you.
    No, not me personally. But you're sugar coating it. Remember, this is a fear that took me four years to overcome, since being treated awfully by my first girlfriend. Four years of not being very nice to my partners because I was afraid to let them get within arm's reach. A fear I still have that I can only overcome because we're old enemies and I've learned all of its blind spots.

    And it's at its strongest when you first get together with someone. I live with my girlfriend now, but that's one success after a trail of broken relationships. I'm not defending being afraid of commitment as an excuse to treat people like crap - my regrets from those years add to my own fear - but I am defending the people who are afraid. You can't point to me and say "He got over it", because not everyone can.
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    (Original post by Watcher7)
    No, not me personally. But you're sugar coating it. Remember, this is a fear that took me four years to overcome, since being treated awfully by my first girlfriend. Four years of not being very nice to my partners because I was afraid to let them get within arm's reach. A fear I still have that I can only overcome because we're old enemies and I've learned all of its blind spots.

    And it's at its strongest when you first get together with someone. I live with my girlfriend now, but that's one success after a trail of broken relationships. I'm not defending being afraid of commitment as an excuse to treat people like crap - my regrets from those years add to my own fear - but I am defending the people who are afraid. You can't point to me and say "He got over it", because not everyone can.
    What made you overcome your fears with your current girlfriend though, as opposed to all the previous girls that you've been involved with? Wouldn't you say that you just liked her more than the others?
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    (Original post by heart shaped box)
    What made you overcome your fears with your current girlfriend though, as opposed to all the previous girls that you've been involved with? Wouldn't you say that you just liked her more than the others?

    No, I wouldn't say that at all. As I already said, my fears and I are old enemies now. I've had three "serious" relationships in my life - with my first girlfriend, my current girlfriend, and my most recent ex. All of the others have been train wrecks.

    My most recent ex was lovely. We were together for just over a year, but eventually my fear got the better of me and I screwed everything up and left. I didn't like her any less than my current girlfriend. Obviously I don't love my ex any more, but our time together was no less amazing than the time I share with my girlfriend.

    So it's not as simple as liking one person enough to overcome your baggage. It's about knowing your baggage well enough, and being able to know when it's trying to trick you. It's being confident enough to try to be with someone, because you're always afraid that you're going to find a reason to run away. Saying "I don't think we should be together, I'm scared of commitment" is a way more fair thing to do before a relationship happens than six months in.

    Get my meaning?
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    (Original post by Watcher7)
    No, I wouldn't say that at all. As I already said, my fears and I are old enemies now. I've had three "serious" relationships in my life - with my first girlfriend, my current girlfriend, and my most recent ex. All of the others have been train wrecks.

    My most recent ex was lovely. We were together for just over a year, but eventually my fear got the better of me and I screwed everything up and left. I didn't like her any less than my current girlfriend. Obviously I don't love my ex any more, but our time together was no less amazing than the time I share with my girlfriend.

    So it's not as simple as liking one person enough to overcome your baggage. It's about knowing your baggage well enough, and being able to know when it's trying to trick you. It's being confident enough to try to be with someone, because you're always afraid that you're going to find a reason to run away. Saying "I don't think we should be together, I'm scared of commitment" is a way more fair thing to do before a relationship happens than six months in.

    Get my meaning?
    I see, thanks for your answer. I'm currently involved with someone who apparently is a "commitment phobe". At first it was great, we did loads of things together, talked all the time. But as time goes by, he seems more and more reluctant to spend time with me; I've asked him about it, and he told me that he doesn't know if he wants this to get serious. But when I ask him if he'd rather just be friends, he says no.. and he's definitely not with me for the physical aspect though, since we don't have sex.

    I'm having trouble determining whether he really is afraid of committing to me, or if he's just stringing me along until he finds someone better.

    That's why i was asking you all these questions.
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    (Original post by heart shaped box)
    I see, thanks for your answer. I'm currently involved with someone who apparently is a "commitment phobe". At first it was great, we did loads of things together, talked all the time. But as time goes by, he seems more and more reluctant to spend time with me; I've asked him about it, and he told me that he doesn't know if he wants this to get serious. But when I ask him if he'd rather just be friends, he says no.. and he's definitely not with me for the physical aspect though, since we don't have sex.

    I'm having trouble determining whether he really is afraid of committing to me, or if he's just stringing me along until he finds someone better.

    That's why i was asking you all these questions.
    I don't think there's any way you can be absolutely sure. You have to ask yourself two important questions:

    First, do you trust him? If not, then you're right to be wary. But then, if you don't trust the guy then you shouldn't be pursuing a serious relationship with him.

    Second, are you prepared to stay with him if he might up and leave through fear?

    If the answer to both of these is yes, then my advice to you is to maintain your distance for a while. Give him a chance to realise that he prefers it when you're around. My girlfriend's visiting her family right now, and to be honest I don't miss her being around all that much. But I know that in a couple of days I will, and by the time she gets back I'll be overjoyed to see her.

    If he really is scared of committing, he's made a big step in telling you. It's difficult to share your fears with a potential partner if you're scared of getting close to them. You'll just need to be patient with him. Distance when needs be, and closeness in equal measure. If you become a constant in his life too quickly, he'll find himself running.
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    (Original post by heart shaped box)
    Isn't this 'commitment phobia' business just another excuse to say 'i'm just not that into you'?

    I mean, if a person really likes someone, they'll probably get over their commitment fears because of their urge to spend time with that person.

    or can it be a genuine issue.

    Opinions? cheers.
    Well my (as of yesterday) ex told had been on about baby names etc. Now she's come out with this great "not sure I'm done being single" line.

    I, personally, have too much self respect for the moment to be arsed. It's not the first time this has happened with her, I think it will be the last. I'm not going to let my life be ruled by someone who just dicks me about.

    Whether it was genuine or not? Who knows. I can think of many different reasons for her to say it was that. Maybe it has something to do with pushing herself? Maybe it has something to do with some desire to be thoughtless, and obsession with control?

    Not my problem, so I'm not dealing with it, but things I guess you (the op) may be reflecting on.
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    After seeing how my dad was treated by his ex-wife I can assure you it is genuine. I would never let myself be in the position of letting that happen to me
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    A fear of commitment can often stem from a fear of rejection or hurt. No matter how much you like the person, when you've been hurt badly before, your guard is up and it's sometimes powerful enough to stop you from fully committing in case your partner betrays your trust or hurts you like someone else has done in the past. There's a voice in your head that tells you to bail because of that fear, and not wanting to have to go through it again.
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    I think liking some one a lot can be the main problem for a commitment phobe - the idea of liking someone that much is terrifying because you can't control it. Next thing you know, you might be talking love and marriage and babies. What if you lose yourself to that person? What if you have to give up everything love, and you don't even know you're doing it?
    I think I'm something of a commitment phobe - I'm so independant that when I get into a relationship and they start sapping my control of my own life, because I have to give them parts of my self, parts of my time, and parts of my dreams and wishes, that I just panic. I want it all for myself and to control it all myself. I don't want to have to share.
    I'm scared of spending the the rest of my life in the same situation, scared that I might have to lose out of my dreams for them. Scared that my priorities will change...
    I think commitment phobia is something of a selfishness. It certainly is for me. Yes you really like them/love them, but that's the problem...that's the danger.

    I have a friend who is in a 2year r'ship and is very comfortable and happy, but every now and then she just has a major panic over spending the rest of her life with the same person. Of making decisions that important this early in her life.

    So yeh, in answer to your question I think it's a real thing.

    I've had two serious relationships in my life - one lasted a year, the other two years. I loved both partners intensely. I'm a commitment phobe whose fears only come out later into the relationship. I do the honeymoon period brilliantly, I'll go full force into the relationship and give it my all. Then one morning I'll wake up and want my life back.
    It's made me scared about relationships now because I'm sick of breaking my partners' hearts. I know it's going to happen, and there seems to be nothing I can do to stop it. I even warned my last partner about it, but thought maybe it wouldn't happen. It did. I wish my fears came out at the start..that I wouldn't let people get close, because at least that'd be less painful for both of us.
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    (Original post by fredscarecrow)
    I think liking some one a lot can be the main problem for a commitment phobe - the idea of liking someone that much is terrifying because you can't control it. Next thing you know, you might be talking love and marriage and babies. What if you lose yourself to that person? What if you have to give up everything love, and you don't even know you're doing it?
    I think I'm something of a commitment phobe - I'm so independant that when I get into a relationship and they start sapping my control of my own life, because I have to give them parts of my self, parts of my time, and parts of my dreams and wishes, that I just panic. I want it all for myself and to control it all myself. I don't want to have to share.
    I'm scared of spending the the rest of my life in the same situation, scared that I might have to lose out of my dreams for them. Scared that my priorities will change...
    I think commitment phobia is something of a selfishness. It certainly is for me. Yes you really like them/love them, but that's the problem...that's the danger.

    I have a friend who is in a 2year r'ship and is very comfortable and happy, but every now and then she just has a major panic over spending the rest of her life with the same person. Of making decisions that important this early in her life.

    So yeh, in answer to your question I think it's a real thing.
    To put it another way, for you, there's this conflict between being in control, and this need to be a bit of a control freak (for lack of a better term). And the compromises that necessarily ensue in every relationship?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    To put it another way, for you, there's this conflict between being in control, and this need to be a bit of a control freak (for lack of a better term). And the compromises that necessarily ensue in every relationship?
    Totally. I can do it for a while but it just seems to get to a point when it feels like I'm losing myself to the relationship and I need to get the control back. Every relationship is about compromise, about working together and I just can't do that.
 
 
 
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