Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Hey,

    So the guy I'm seeing at the minute has been one of my best friends for about 6 years. We have a huge amount of history, so it's a relationship I have a lot invested in. I've had a thing for him for a long time, but it had always seemed to be non-reciprocal, so nothing had ever happened between us.

    In September he started University near where I live and one day when I was wittering away about a date I'd been asked on he asked if I'd go out with him. I was completely gobsmacked, cancelled the date and started seeing him pretty seriously. So we've spent the last 6 months in the most wonderful relationship I've ever been in, he's affectionate without being claustrophobic, sweet without resorting to cheesy cliches and waking up with him just makes me incredibly happy.

    But of course there's a fairly major problem in the fact he's asexual. The first time we tried to have sex he couldn't stay hard, which I put down to nerves and ignored, but after it had happened a few times I mentioned it to him. He was really sweet in reassuring me it wasn't anything I was doing wrong, but he said he'd suspected he was asexual for a while, which was why he'd avoided relationships for so long. I just said that was okay, and if he wanted to talk about it I was there.

    It's not okay. Sex is a really important part of a relationship with me, I can't do without it however much I love him and I can't I can't do without him however much I love sex. I can't suggest an open relationship because I don't want sex with anyone other than him. He tries for me, he really does, but I just can't get him hard and there's only so far oral can go, yes he can make me come but somehow I don't feel like you get the same emotional connection with other kinds of sex as you do with penetrative. It's driving me up the wall, I just don't know how to deal with it. Anyone ever been in a similar situation? Or have any words of wisdom?
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey,

    So the guy I'm seeing at the minute has been one of my best friends for about 6 years. We have a huge amount of history, so it's a relationship I have a lot invested in. I've had a thing for him for a long time, but it had always seemed to be non-reciprocal, so nothing had ever happened between us.

    In September he started University near where I live and one day when I was wittering away about a date I'd been asked on he asked if I'd go out with him. I was completely gobsmacked, cancelled the date and started seeing him pretty seriously. So we've spent the last 6 months in the most wonderful relationship I've ever been in, he's affectionate without being claustrophobic, sweet without resorting to cheesy cliches and waking up with him just makes me incredibly happy.

    But of course there's a fairly major problem in the fact he's asexual. The first time we tried to have sex he couldn't stay hard, which I put down to nerves and ignored, but after it had happened a few times I mentioned it to him. He was really sweet in reassuring me it wasn't anything I was doing wrong, but he said he'd suspected he was asexual for a while, which was why he'd avoided relationships for so long. I just said that was okay, and if he wanted to talk about it I was there.

    It's not okay. Sex is a really important part of a relationship with me, I can't do without it however much I love him and I can't I can't do without him however much I love sex. I can't suggest an open relationship because I don't want sex with anyone other than him. He tries for me, he really does, but I just can't get him hard and there's only so far oral can go, yes he can make me come but somehow I don't feel like you get the same emotional connection with other kinds of sex as you do with penetrative. It's driving me up the wall, I just don't know how to deal with it. Anyone ever been in a similar situation? Or have any words of wisdom?
    viagra works
    there's also these things called **** rings which trap the blood inside his penis once he gets an erection so he can stay hard

    I feel dirty writing this...
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Refrigerator)
    viagra works
    there's also these things called **** rings which trap the blood inside his penis once he gets an erection so he can stay hard

    I feel dirty writing this...
    I appreciate the input but I'm not sure that the mechanics are really the root of the problem - I don't want to ask him to go that far, if sex isn't something he enjoys then it seems like that could actually be pretty traumatic for him, and I don't want to have sex with a less than enthusiastic partner either.
    • #2
    #2

    You may find this hard to hear as a suggestion but quite a high proportion of apparently asexual men are gay. Perhaps you could cut your hair short and stop shaving around your body!? hehe Also, if that wasn't the case you could suggest therapy to him. Not sure how effective it is though...
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by bleak lemming)
    a strap on
    ahahahahahahahah!
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    Hi. Sorry about your situation
    Doesn't asexual mean not attracted to either gender? But surely if your dating he's attracted to you?
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You may find this hard to hear as a suggestion but quite a high proportion of apparently asexual men are gay. Perhaps you could cut your hair short and stop shaving around your body!? hehe Also, if that wasn't the case you could suggest therapy to him. Not sure how effective it is though...
    Ignore the gay suggestion, your boyfriend knows if he's asexual or gay, and if he has a loving relationship with you then it's not the latter.

    Assuming that your boyfriend truly is asexual, and this is truly the cause of the problem (he may have simple ED, it can be hard to distinguish, is not necessarily mechanical in nature and it's not something you should rule out without a medical opinion), the reason he was willing to try sex to begin with is that he wants to please you, and this is something you can work with.
    There are other ways to derive sexual pleasure without necessitating use of the penis (if you catch my drift). These should be sufficient to meet your needs, at least in the short term, and it is quite possible that he will gain some enjoyment of the activity from your pleasure (empathetic enjoyment, so to speak; that he has been willing to give it a go several times implies that there is probably some degree of this already)
    Its not to say that you can only have sex in such ways, just that you perhaps need to give them a more prominent role.

    It sounds like you have a very good thing with him, and it wouldn't really be right to give that up without at least trying several options. Sex isn't going to bring you happiness, no matter how important you may consider it, and it is possible to be happy with someone without particularly good sex. If you are as happy with him as you appear to be, this isn't something to loose him over.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 11, 2011
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Has a teacher ever helped you cheat?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Write a reply...
    Reply
    Hide
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.