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    So I might be a total pessimist and all, but I am seriously considering a different lifestyle as an adult than before. I am 21 and have been out with a few guys, different types, some so-called "alpha"-males (rich, popular, selfish), some nerds, some religious etc. I have never found a man I find matches me entirely, and when finding the closest possible, he hasn't been looking for commitment. It has always been something that goes wrong. He could be great in bed, but an *******, nice but uninteresting and stupid, nice and sensual but a stalker etc. I have heard people say that it is too much to expect to find it all in one person. My parents are not divorced, they are happily together, but their relationship is based more on friendship and companionship than those sexual feelings. And let's face it, the "crush"-fase lasts approximately 4 years. My parents are constantly curious about my love life, and I think they are wondering why I haven't found someone to be with long-term, ever. I am clever with good grades, have been blessed in terms of looks, have many interests and I'm known as friendly. At 21, most guys are only looking for sex anyway (some do relationships for the sake of regular sex), so I don't think I'm missing out on much right now.

    I have always had a dream about marriage, children and all that. But now I'm thinking about which options people actually choose. I know some couples from my old neighborhood, where the man is constantly cheating and "wouldn't mind if she did too". They most likely have a silent agreement and their marriage is mostly for show (he used to be a politician). In France, where I live now, having a lover is not a foreign idea. I even wonder if I'd be okay with living with a close friend, and just have someone for the physical part on the side.

    I know it sounds as if I've 'given up' at a young age, but it's more that I'm looking into other life forms. I mean, half of all marriages break up, SO many people cheat. The idea of being stabbed in the back frightens me. Do any of you feel the same? Have decided that you don't want kids, or that you do, but you don't need the traditional family life? There is an ocean of single 30-something women out there, whom probably put off choosing a man in their twenties because they had a particular dream of what it was supposed to look like, and it didn't. Do you ever see yourself living in a nice apartment, having the life you like, just a lover on the side for both of you? Some tell me the key to having it all is stop trying to make it look like what you thought it was going to look like.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So I might be a total pessimist and all, but I am seriously considering a different lifestyle as an adult than before. I am 21 and have been out with a few guys, different types, some so-called "alpha"-males (rich, popular, selfish), some nerds, some religious etc. I have never found a man I find matches me entirely, and when finding the closest possible, he hasn't been looking for commitment. It has always been something that goes wrong. He could be great in bed, but an *******, nice but uninteresting and stupid, nice and sensual but a stalker etc. I have heard people say that it is too much to expect to find it all in one person. My parents are not divorced, they are happily together, but their relationship is based more on friendship and companionship than those sexual feelings. And let's face it, the "crush"-fase lasts approximately 4 years. My parents are constantly curious about my love life, and I think they are wondering why I haven't found someone to be with long-term, ever. I am clever with good grades, have been blessed in terms of looks, have many interests and I'm known as friendly. At 21, most guys are only looking for sex anyway (some do relationships for the sake of regular sex), so I don't think I'm missing out on much right now.

    I have always had a dream about marriage, children and all that. But now I'm thinking about which options people actually choose. I know some couples from my old neighborhood, where the man is constantly cheating and "wouldn't mind if she did too". They most likely have a silent agreement and their marriage is mostly for show (he used to be a politician). In France, where I live now, having a lover is not a foreign idea. I even wonder if I'd be okay with living with a close friend, and just have someone for the physical part on the side.

    I know it sounds as if I've 'given up' at a young age, but it's more that I'm looking into other life forms. I mean, half of all marriages break up, SO many people cheat. The idea of being stabbed in the back frightens me. Do any of you feel the same? Have decided that you don't want kids, or that you do, but you don't need the traditional family life? There is an ocean of single 30-something women out there, whom probably put off choosing a man in their twenties because they had a particular dream of what it was supposed to look like, and it didn't. Do you ever see yourself living in a nice apartment, having the life you like, just a lover on the side for both of you? Some tell me the key to having it all is stop trying to make it look like what you thought it was going to look like.
    You sound incredibly arrogant. I'm actually gonna call troll on this one. :troll:
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    (Original post by sil3nt_cha0s)
    You sound incredibly arrogant. I'm actually gonna call troll on this one. :troll:
    Because it is not possible to be good-looking and do well at school at once?

    My God, is this possible. I have noticed that whenever a person mentions that they are attractive because it might contribute to their situation, they are "arrogant". If I didn't say it, all the males would go "you are ugly, that is why no man fancies you".
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    I've been writing reports and reading journal articles all weekend....I refuse to read this, bullet points please.
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    no because a relationship isn't just a friendship with sex maybe you just haven't met the right person yet
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    (Original post by Guy Secretan)
    no because a relationship isn't just a friendship with sex maybe you just haven't met the right person yet
    I know there is more, but still wonder if you can get those things from different people.
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    (Original post by sil3nt_cha0s)
    You sound incredibly arrogant. I'm actually gonna call troll on this one. :troll:
    Hahahaha I love how insecure everyone is on here that they can't possibly fathom the idea of someone accepting their good looks and personality. Nothing in that post sounds 'incredibly arrogant' or trollish at all. Makes me LOL.
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    Phase

    arghhghhghghhghhg
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    . My parents are not divorced, they are happily together, but their relationship is based more on friendship and companionship than those sexual feelings.
    That's how it is now, after many years of being together. They had strong sexual feelings for certain at the beginning of their relationship, but that was before you were born, or you were too young to realize that.

    It is the natural way how a relationship develops, romance with sexual feelings and desires at the beginning, will be replaced by these friendship and companionship feelings afterwards, that are equal in importance. Some people don't accept the change, and that's why they become unhappy :rolleyes:.
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    (Original post by alijimi)
    That's how it is now, after many years of being together. They had strong sexual feelings for certain at the beginning of their relationship, but that was before you were born, or you were too young to realize that.

    It is the natural way how a relationship develops, romance with sexual feelings and desires at the beginning, will be replaced by these friendship and companionship feelings afterwards, that are equal in importance. Some people don't accept the change, and that's why they become unhappy :rolleyes:.
    Exactly, although he is not my biological father, I have known him since I was older, so I can say there was never that fireworks-relationship from the beginning.

    I am just not sure if I will find a man that is sexually compatible with me now (high sex drive) but will be okay with just companionship as we get older. Furthermore, I don't think I would be okay with no/little sex, but I would obviously stay faithful to my husband if we had the traditional, monogamous marriage. I don't want to get that entire situation and prepare myself for close companionship at best, just to end up with a regular tedious marriage and a husband who sleeps with 20-year-olds on the side. Isn't it better to just be ahead of it all and get another arrangement? I am not looking to be stabbed in the back. And as a 20-year-old girl, I know what a married man is thinking when he sees a young blonde. Even a decent, conservative one. 9 out of 10 times they go for it. So why not just accept the facts and get the sexual stuff from one side and the companionship from another?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So why not just accept the facts and get the sexual stuff from one side and the companionship from another?
    Because that doesn't sound like what you really want, short or long term.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He could be great in bed, but an *******, nice but uninteresting and stupid, nice and sensual but a stalker etc. I have heard people say that it is too much to expect to find it all in one person.
    Tbh I'm good in bed and I'm anything but a ****er. I'm nice and interesting. I'm also very sensual and I've never stalked a single girl in my life.

    This ideal guy isn't that hard to find.

    You just haven't found a guy your compatible with yet and just blame it on obvious flaws. If you found the right guy you wouldn't care if he was a little stupid. If he wasn't very good in bed you wouldn't care and give him chance to progress.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So I might be a total pessimist and all, but I am seriously considering a different lifestyle as an adult than before. I am 21 and have been out with a few guys, different types, some so-called "alpha"-males (rich, popular, selfish), some nerds, some religious etc. I have never found a man I find matches me entirely, and when finding the closest possible, he hasn't been looking for commitment. It has always been something that goes wrong. He could be great in bed, but an *******, nice but uninteresting and stupid, nice and sensual but a stalker etc. I have heard people say that it is too much to expect to find it all in one person. My parents are not divorced, they are happily together, but their relationship is based more on friendship and companionship than those sexual feelings. And let's face it, the "crush"-fase lasts approximately 4 years. My parents are constantly curious about my love life, and I think they are wondering why I haven't found someone to be with long-term, ever. I am clever with good grades, have been blessed in terms of looks, have many interests and I'm known as friendly. At 21, most guys are only looking for sex anyway (some do relationships for the sake of regular sex), so I don't think I'm missing out on much right now.

    I have always had a dream about marriage, children and all that. But now I'm thinking about which options people actually choose. I know some couples from my old neighborhood, where the man is constantly cheating and "wouldn't mind if she did too". They most likely have a silent agreement and their marriage is mostly for show (he used to be a politician). In France, where I live now, having a lover is not a foreign idea. I even wonder if I'd be okay with living with a close friend, and just have someone for the physical part on the side.

    I know it sounds as if I've 'given up' at a young age, but it's more that I'm looking into other life forms. I mean, half of all marriages break up, SO many people cheat. The idea of being stabbed in the back frightens me. Do any of you feel the same? Have decided that you don't want kids, or that you do, but you don't need the traditional family life? There is an ocean of single 30-something women out there, whom probably put off choosing a man in their twenties because they had a particular dream of what it was supposed to look like, and it didn't. Do you ever see yourself living in a nice apartment, having the life you like, just a lover on the side for both of you? Some tell me the key to having it all is stop trying to make it look like what you thought it was going to look like.
    Skip your dreams. There is no prince around for princess´ dreams. Your friends are right. Stop waiting for the perfect guy. He does not exist. Choose one for sexual fulfillment if you wish to and a good friend for good company and to take you out etc. I stoped dreaming, too at the age of 26. Try to be as happy as you could and do not spent years waiting for a nice guy who is smart and good in bed and really loves you. that is an illusion. to my experience good looking and smart women scare men because they always feel like being in a competition they can not win. try to find a way which works for you maybe some day mr. right will come around but do not wait for it. otherwise you will get old and depressed.
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    You sound like a perfectionist, which probably puts guys off.
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    Your post was very well written and you sound like a very mature girl who knows what she wants, and it was quite nice to read. I would just like to say that you shouldn't be so pessimistic about it, though. You are clearly the type of person who has really thought about how realistic sex and companionship lasts.

    That's why I suggest you play with the idea of having open relationships in the future. I also agree that so many marriages simply don't work out and so many couples end up cheating on each other. In my experience as a gay man, I have met so many gay couples who are in open relationships and their relationships are incredibly healthy because there's no backstabbing or lying to be done. I really see it becoming an increasingly popular option amongst heterosexual couples as well.

    I think you will probably find another man who is attractive and smart, but also mature like you are. All you need to do is spot the guys who don't fit the bill early on and don't bother with them or else you'll end up with more and more bad experiences that will make you more pessimistic. It's alright to be picky with guys you know, especially if you're also quite happy being single.
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    (Original post by paella)
    You sound like a perfectionist, which probably puts guys off.
    I have tried to explain this in the first post, as it is not the case. I have been out with guys who are by no means good-looking in classic terms, but I found them attractive because I liked them. No top-notch educated, not tall or muscular like some girls like (or guys think girls like). And I have varied in terms of types, and must really say I have never been a girl to go for bad guys (although in the end even the nicest, cuddly guy can be an *******, there is no protecting yourself). I have compromised on some points to get something on the others, although it has never felt like compromise when you like someone. But juggling 4 women at the time, going through my personal stuff, or lying are not things I am willing to put up with, without being a perfectionist.

    I have to be realistic about what I would want out of a marriage. There is the practical stuff, to get a common home. I'm from a wealthy background and have also invested and saved through the years, which means I'd have a lot saved up for a family place and I'd want a guy to go 50/50 in with me. I will not have someone live off me. As soon as you've put some financial requirements to your future man, you have weeded out a lot of nice guys. For someone who goes to business school and hangs out in these environments, I can say that men in suits tend to be quite like Barney Stinson. At least while they are young. Which means I absolutely see why some women are married to men like that, yet have a lover to survive the fact that he has a mistress. (Although in many of those families, the wife lives off her husband, which wouldn't be my situation).
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am just not sure if I will find a man that is sexually compatible with me now (high sex drive) but will be okay with just companionship as we get older. Furthermore, I don't think I would be okay with no/little sex, but I would obviously stay faithful to my husband if we had the traditional, monogamous marriage. I don't want to get that entire situation and prepare myself for close companionship at best, just to end up with a regular tedious marriage and a husband who sleeps with 20-year-olds on the side. Isn't it better to just be ahead of it all and get another arrangement? I am not looking to be stabbed in the back. And as a 20-year-old girl, I know what a married man is thinking when he sees a young blonde. Even a decent, conservative one. 9 out of 10 times they go for it. So why not just accept the facts and get the sexual stuff from one side and the companionship from another?
    The thing is, one can never now what will happen tomorrow, so what about years after?! Feelings will change after some time of being with somebody, that is a fact that you should accept. But companionship is also love. Love is not just about romance, flowers, and having sex every night. You have a high sex drive now, but how do you know whether you would feel the same way in 10 years, irrespective of your situation, married or single.

    The most important thing in a relationship, is to find someone who will always be there for you, especially when you are ill, feel bad,etc... that's why you can't separate the sexual stuff from companionship, because they don't contradict each other, but the other way around.

    Perhaps now when you are 20 you can date a guy just to fulfill your sexual needs, without asking for more. That won't be enough to make you happy when you are 30. You will need a shoulder to lean on, which will be more difficult to find because, the older you get the less you trust people. So better to have it sooner than later :rolleyes:.
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    (Original post by trm90)
    Your post was very well written and you sound like a very mature girl who knows what she wants, and it was quite nice to read. I would just like to say that you shouldn't be so pessimistic about it, though. You are clearly the type of person who has really thought about how realistic sex and companionship lasts.

    That's why I suggest you play with the idea of having open relationships in the future. I also agree that so many marriages simply don't work out and so many couples end up cheating on each other. In my experience as a gay man, I have met so many gay couples who are in open relationships and their relationships are incredibly healthy because there's no backstabbing or lying to be done. I really see it becoming an increasingly popular option amongst heterosexual couples as well.

    I think you will probably find another man who is attractive and smart, but also mature like you are. All you need to do is spot the guys who don't fit the bill early on and don't bother with them or else you'll end up with more and more bad experiences that will make you more pessimistic. It's alright to be picky with guys you know, especially if you're also quite happy being single.
    Thanks for a nice and constructive reply.
    I know myself, and if I do have feelings for a guy, I will have difficulties sharing him. So my options there are basically either a loveless marriage with a lover on the side, or just living with a friend and a lover on the side. The idea of putting all my feelings towards one person for then to watch them walk away or stab me in the back, petrifies me. I really don't know how so many people put themselves out there as much as they do. Sure a loveless marriage lacks emotion, but I see friends in couples with so much heartache in their relationships, the misery surpasses the love many times, yet they don't even see it (I know girls that are in love with infatuation, it is more a matter of being a couple than anything else).
    I don't think I have the classic woman's idea of life. I have heard that when you ask a girl what she sees for the future, she will firstly mention the man of her dreams. Secondly, the other stuff she wants. But it is clear, the search for the perfect male is something that will occupy most of her twenties. You ask a boy, he will bring up all the components of his perfect life - the wife being one of them, on line with a good job, nice house etc. She will be pretty, sweet, a good mother. I think there is a possibility for me too, that there are numerous things that can make me happy. Many look for a life partner and when that person turns out to not be perfect, cheat on them or leave them for someone richer or younger, things fall apart.
    Men who have the things I look for tend to be players - obviously, they have things several women look for, meaning they have options, and any red-blooded young male would take advantage of that. I don't know if I want to spend years trying to "convert" a player to a husband. Even if he would fall for me - which has happened - that is just a bundle of hormones which is bound to end. Alternatively, I can date that guy who is 'husband material' - refers to himself as a "nice guy" (which basically means he'd be a bad guy if he had the option), try to create attraction out of nowhere, but mostly end up in a friendship and feel like I've chosen someone beneath me.
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    Sounds as though you are scared to take chances on stuff because you think that either you won't find the right guy or it will fail and you will inevitably get hurt.

    Sometimes you do want to take the riskless option, but there are consequences for that too. Do you think you could do that without becoming too attached to the person after a while? Do you think it would give you everything you would want from it? There might be times where you want the sexual side of things and the comfort from one person.

    On the other hand, I've known people to have successful open relationships (something I don't think I could do) so I guess it all depends on the type of person you are.
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    (Original post by imonlysleeping)
    Sounds as though you are scared to take chances on stuff because you think that either you won't find the right guy or it will fail and you will inevitably get hurt.

    Sometimes you do want to take the riskless option, but there are consequences for that too. Do you think you could do that without becoming too attached to the person after a while? Do you think it would give you everything you would want from it? There might be times where you want the sexual side of things and the comfort from one person.

    On the other hand, I've known people to have successful open relationships (something I don't think I could do) so I guess it all depends on the type of person you are.


    Are they the type who never gets jealous or have they simply found a way to deal with it?
 
 
 
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