I know it may seem rather dubious to post something as an "anonymous", but please, understand that I am neither confident or strong enough to post this with my TSR account. I feel like I can't take things anymore, and I just want to explode but I simply can't.
All my life I've been traveling from one place to another along with my family. Yet, since I was a small kid I've noticed that the relation of my parents wasn't as good as they claimed it was. Their fights were constant, and to made things worse, my grandmother always had to meddle into the middle of the conflicts between them (please, don't take me wrong, I adore her more than anything in this world). Things got even worse when we moved to Brazil in the late monts of 2003. A few months later, in March, my father's father passed away and let's say it wasn't a very nice thing to bear. Until today, I regret not having to have the chance of traveling to Spain and saying at least goodbye, but at the moment I couldn't as I had to go to school. Then, things started to go horribly wrong. My father's mood changed completely, and took a turn towards the worse. My father quited his job in August 2005, and decided out of sudden that he was tired of his job and being controlled by someone, deciding to set up his own company. During that period inbetween, we were rather short on money, until he settled up his own business, a restaurant. That only happened in 2007, and well, by that time things were already horrible. I discovered a set of emails between my father and a woman, and that he was cheating on my Mum. I couldn't take it, as I've always loved him dearly, and I broke down. I've always had problems at school (being considered as antisocial and such), but they seemed to got worse, until the point I wasn't really paying attention at school at all and both my psychologist and the school counsellor decided that it was suitable to give me an extra "aid". They forced me to take Ritalin, usually aimed for ADHD cases. As I couldn't take having to be forced to take such a medication when I clearly didn't needed it at all, I ended spitting it up after they had given it to me. I claimed that such a medicine gave me "headaches" and they ended removing it. Things didn't stop there. My father by that time was going out each night (even during the working days), and didn't even bother to return until he needed, and for that entire days could pass by. I cannot keep myself shut, and I had to speak up against the unfair treatment he was giving us (me, my mum and my brother and sister) and let's say things didn't end well at all. He ended throwing me against a vase. At least I managed to end the year with acceptable grades at school, but the damage was still there. My Mum tried to speak him into allowing us to stay in Brazil, where after four years, we had made a life. We had our friends there, and neither my brother, sister or I wanted to leave, but he literally threw us out. Without my Mum knowing, he cancelled our visas and the rent of our house, making us leave Brazil. That happened in June 2007. Since then, I've been a bad joke of what I once was. Today, I'm in Year 12 and well, it's just too hard to bear. I am broken inside and I cannot bring myself up. I've gained lots of weight, turned myself into something uttely pathetic and I'm prone to breaking up because is just too hard. I always have ugly fights with my Mum, and they always end up with her calling me selfish or claiming that I just care about my problems and not hers. Each time it happens, I feel my heart break into pieces. I love her more than anything and such a thing tears me inside. Currently, I feel that I am emotionally unstable and that I cannot get out of it.
I just want to express myself a little, as I'm tired of not saying anything. I always laugh, when in fact I'm breaking down more and more.
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I don't know what to do- I feel lost watch
- Thread Starter
- 10-04-2011 22:31
- Thread Starter
- 10-04-2011 22:43
I just wanted to have the chance to say that any help is welcomed, and please don't think I'm another moody teenager who likes to brag on how miserable her life is. As I said before, any help is really appreciated.
- 10-04-2011 22:54
I feel you made a massive step in your life by bringing yourself to open up as much as you have, even if it is anonymously. You really need to give yourself credit.
I get the feeling your mum is feeling slightly responsible for the awful things that have happened to you and your siblings, when in fact there is nothing she could have done to avoid this. Because of this bad feeling maybe she's not realizing how she is replying to you is hurting you.
Just think, you're still here, still holding your hand out for help. Doesn't that just prove how strong you are? You could have taken my road and nearly ending it all, which I nearly did, and it was the weakest thing I could have ever dreamed of. You have chosen to talk to someone about it
This probably did not help at all. I just wanted you to know I will happily chat to you about this. I've been through trauma too. You're not alone