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    Late last year this guy had a terrible breakup with his ex girlfriend of whom he'd known for many years prior (and was basically best friends with). He went from seeing this girl that he knew inside out everyday, to no contact at all.

    So, enter me in January where we become friends and he tells me all about his ex and broken heart. He tells me that he can't have sex any more because of the demons of the past.

    Last week, I kiss him and he reciprocates telling me to take it slow which i do. We start having sex but he stops apparently frozen in anger/trauma at his girlfriend's ghost.

    Do i leave it? I cant stop thinking about him...
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    (Original post by theonelink)
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    It sounds like you moved from the kissing to sex pretty quickly, which does not fit with him wanting to take it slow. He's hurt, and not fully over her. Not in the sense that he doesn't like you, more in the sense that he feels guilt (probably towards you as well) It's going to take some time for that to heal.

    pursue him, but not aggressively, and be prepared to wait for sex a while, if you at all value his well-being. He's feeling pretty **** right now, so you should be there to help him through that. And he probably is kicking himself for that happening, if you don't stay on good terms he'll be even more hurt.
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    (Original post by The Mr Z)
    It sounds like you moved from the kissing to sex pretty quickly, which does not fit with him wanting to take it slow. He's hurt, and not fully over her. Not in the sense that he doesn't like you, more in the sense that he feels guilt (probably towards you as well) It's going to take some time for that to heal.

    pursue him, but not aggressively, and be prepared to wait for sex a while, if you at all value his well-being. He's feeling pretty **** right now, so you should be there to help him through that. And he probably is kicking himself for that happening, if you don't stay on good terms he'll be even more hurt.
    sound advice. yeah, it did happen pretty quickly tbh (in the space of 10 seconds tops were flying off). Im happy to stay friends because he's a pleasure to be around and i have quite a liberal attitude when it comes to sex.

    just wondering if i end up being the girl that nurses him back to full health, who then gets discarded as soon as someone else comes along...he talks about his ex so much that i do wonder how he sees me.
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    Yes, definitely too fast for him I'm afraid.

    I'm afraid I can't say what would happen if you wait around for him to recover, but I can tell you it's less about staying friends for the time being, and more about giving him time to settle into a relationship with you.

    The problem is that he will have stopped himself viewing other girls in that way. This is part of the effect of having ones heart broken, in some ways a defence mechanism, in some ways a difficulty to move on with things, in his mind, unresolved with his ex. He will feel guilty because it is like he's cheating on her, and also guilty for feeling that guilt.

    I don't expect you will be discarded, but it will have taken some time for him to even accept the prospect of other potential partners. You need to show him that you do want to be with him in the long term, until he no longer feels guilty about liking you back.

    The reason he talks about her all the time is that things are unresolved; it sounds like the break up was very abrupt, and so he will find himself thinking about her all the time, always on his mind because he never said what he wanted/needed to say, and never fully understood what was happening. It's the abrupt lack of contact that's the painful thing; you can't get over someone when the last time you spoke to them was so emotionally charged.

    As for how he sees you, possibly (i think unlikely) as a very good friend. More likely as someone he would like to be with, but feels guilt because of that, or that it'd be unfair on you given the state he's in and that he might not be ready to be a good boyfriend for you.



    You definitely need to talk to him though. maybe don't bring it up straight away. how long ago did this happen, and how much have you spoken since?
 
 
 
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