hi all. i never thought id be posting this on an internet forum but anyway heres my story.
im a 19 year old guy and i live in a small town, the sort of place where all the kids in the area know one another. im quite good looking and masculine (not acting, its just the way i am) and when i came out to my friends they looked shocked, some of them even suggested i was taking the piss. the guys mostly didnt care at all and some of the girls were nice and supportive. the thing is, where i live gays simply dont exist, i dont know anyone whos gay. i used to live in london for a while so yes ive been with guys, basically one nights stands which i hate now, and i know what "the scene" is about.
lately ive been looking back and ive come to realise that the things i longed for when i was a kid i still dont have them now. ive never had a proper friendship, let alone a relationship. i used to think that once id come out things would change for the better, only they havent, at all. my friends are nice but obviously they cant help me, and every day i feel more isolated from them. i dont see the point in going out and socialising as i never meet anyone. i feel so left out when i hang out with straight people, theres such a huge part of my life they cant understand (that im longing for a true, honest relationship) while all they care about is getting wasted and going clubbing.
"the scene" is even worse. i like to keep things simple. deep down, all i ask for of life is a group of close, loyal friends and a boyfriend who is honest and loves me. so far all the scene and the gay friends i had can offer me is a bunch of drugged up, sex obsessed, *****y, whiny, in-your-face drama queens.
trust me, its a very very dispiriting feeling. the straights reject me because im gay and the gays for not being gay enough. its like im going to be alone for the rest of my life, like im always a stranger. i dont have any support from my family either, because theyre extremely homophobic, i know that at some point ill have to come out to them but i cant imagine myself doing so, ever.
the only thing that has kept me going is uni (im going to bristol in october). one of my friends from school is studying there at the moment and last week i nipped round and stayed with her in her hall for a few days to see what the uni was like, and just remembering it almost makes me cry. the uni is nice and everything but all the guys and all the girls seem to be straight and that their sole reason for living is clubbing. the only gay people there seem to be the LGBT soc people. and again, theyre camp, *****y, whiny queens.
i get on with people easily so not having friends when im at uni is not an issue, what worries me is having no real friends, let alone a boyfriend. while i was visiting my friend i imagined myself at uni in october feeling lonely all the time, hanging out with people i have very little in common with or staying in my room at night watching tv, and i cant help but think about it all the time now.
the thought of going to uni fills me with dread. its like a nightmare that never ends, like i will never fit in and i will be miserable and lonely and unhappy for the rest of my life. i dont see any way out and i keep wondering whats the point of staying alive. i dont expect too much but maybe some of you have been where i am and have some advice?
thanks for taking the time to read. serious answers only please, im not in a mood to listen to any of the usual "funny" comments.
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I genuinely believe I will never fit in watch
- Thread Starter
- 11-04-2011 02:52
- 11-04-2011 03:03
I really do feel for you and genuinely hope and wish that things turn out well.
Sorry I can't really offer any advise other than don't give up and do something stupid... things can't get any worse and eventually you'll love your life. Trust me.
- 11-04-2011 03:05
So basically you're the only gay in the village?
- 11-04-2011 03:10